A Real Fixer-Upper

“Winter Is Coming” shirts are now IN THE STORE!!! [based on this comic]

American Horror Story is only 5 episodes in and it’s already banana tits insane. Every single day 100 unspeakable horrors  happen to the family in the murder house, any one of which would cause regular, sane people to curl up into the fetal position and scream until they were dead. It is impossible to watch this show without constantly wondering WHY ARE THEY STILL IN THE HOUSE!?!?!! At any given time there are at least 3 creepy murder neighbors (2 of which are probably ghosts) lurking uninvited in the house, 3 or 4 people are who supposed to be dead (and probably are) trying to break into the house and a host of demons, ghouls and haunting visions plaguing every waking moment of this family’s lives yet they never just GET THE FUCK OUT. Oh, the market is bad? You can’t sell the house without being upside down? FUCK IT! GET OUT! SAVE YOURSELVES! It’s super frustrating how unbelievable everyone’s actions and reactions are. It’s like asking us to believe a family gets a new dog and it turns out the dog farts bullets, so every single day someone is getting accidentally fart-shot and yet they NEVER get rid of the dog.

COMMENTERS: Are you watching American Horror Story? Post your thoughts, theories, etc. in the comments. I’m sure there will be some spoilers, so read at your own risk.

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66 Comments

  1. California is a non-recourse state, too. So just move out, stop paying the mortgage, and tell the bank, "Hey, enjoy foreclosing on this hellmounth!

    • and of course the counter to that logical argument is "but if they moved out, there wouldn't be a show!" to which I counter, "The premise you have established doesn't work for a series because no one would stay there long enough. This should be a movie at best."

      How the hell are they going to do a second season?

      • Maybe the entire family will be murdered and/or kill themselves and another family will move in and the cycle/season starts anew. This has all happened before and will happen again

        • Maybe the family will move into another haunted house and forget to move out for another year. There will be lots of "why does this keep happening?" and "here we go again" thrown around

          • And perhaps this haunting will just tail them around like in all the fancy stories.

            In as far as a second season … maybe they never intended to have a second season. It seems that some American shows are starting to pick up on the old British custom of having a beginning and an ending. Well, aside from Doctor Who. May they never quit making that.

      • According to an article in EW, the plan was to have the house kill a new cast each season. Many of the actors are only committed to one season.

        I want to know how the chick knew that she was pregnant with GimpBaby the next day.

        They did mention that all of their money is stuck in the house and they can't afford to move out. Just like Sylar and his BF.

  2. You do realize that since you gave away the premise of Fox's new show, "Silenced But Deadly: Blame It On The Dog", they're going to have to cancel your favorite show now.

    Even if it's not on Fox.

  3. This reminds me of an old Eddie Murphy routine. He's joking about how in these horror movies the owners are never black folks as they've got to much sense. The whole movie would be like this — Black man and women walks into their new home. Man looks lovingly around and says "Look at our wonderful new home baby. It's got a great yard, lots of room for the kids, close to work and everything we need, it's just perfect" (suddenly you hear a deep gutteral "GET OUT"). "To bad we can't stay baby" … The End.

  4. A dog that farts bullets? Which fart-shoots people? Of ALL the wacky shit you could have come up with, THAT'S it?

    This is why I love you, Joel Watson. That and my Winter is Coming shirt.

    The baby thing in the picture is awesomesauce as well.

  6. Dogs that fart bullets. Okay, I'll admit I'm a pet lover and the first thing I think of is "how could you keep the dog"…and now I'm going to be stuck with the mental picture of a dog wearing kevlar-coated doggie-depends – thanks oodles!!!

  9. I'm really enjoying the show. The first episode was full of tripe and tropes, but I think each subsequent ep has been pretty great. (Except for the not-moving-out thing, of course. I mean, seriously.)

    • See, Im not even saying that it's unenjoyable. Im just always distracted by the fact that no one is screaming terror while running as far away from that house as possible.

  10. i like to believe that the family is so self involved they recognize that SOMETHING is wrong with the house but then get distracted by their own "problems" and henceforth ignore the grim and ghastly goings on.

    • I agree with the "self absorbed blinders" theory to an extent. I mean in last nights ep (SPOILERS) the daughter believes that her boyfriend is being chased by murderers, calls the cops then 2 minutes later sits down for a cup of tea with the crazy neighbor. These people can compartmentalize like nobody's bid-ness.

  12. Of course they will have plenty of folks to occupy those Horror Houses! Why do you think those stoopid Reality Shows are still on? There's always going to be some shlump who values 15 minutes of fame over dignity, self-respect and living til next week. (love teh dog, though)

  13. Well, it's either live in the demonic domicile or move back to the city; with all the immigrants blasting their raps and shooting all the jobs.

    White Flight can be a powerful motivating force.

  14. Comic is hilarious.
    Maybe I'm banana tits crazy also, but I can buy that they haven't moved out yet. I thought the show fairly well established in the first episode that the family feels this house is their last chance. If they can't make this work, they'll take it as a sign their family is meant to fall apart, so they mutter it's in their head or just a one time occurance. Just look at how many people stay in horrific abusive relationships for years. This time, it's an abusive relationship with a house instead of a person. Even when an actual murder (family member body on the floor staring up at you) takes place in a family home, the family typically doesn't move out. Thus why crime-scene cleanup is a niche in the cleaning industry. I think the "horror" aspect they're going for in the show isn't so much the imagery or the history of the place. I think it's the horror of watching how this family continues to hope in the American Dream of having a wonderful house and family while following out the Buffy axiom of rationalize and forget. But again I could be crazy.

    • Yeah, but what better sign from God do you need that it's not meant to be? 😀 "This house is our last chance" *BAM* House full of murder. "Alright, I get the point!"

    • I just figured it was a commentary/analogy on the current problem of Americans who are stuck in homes with underwater mortgages… or it could be I need to stop reading the news so much and go watch some sci-fi.

    • Um, what do you mean, "Buffy axiom"? I thought that was "Kill every vampire but the two you inexplicably have filthy sex with."

  15. I love the photograph/painting of the abused kid, on the wall behind the people. Being abused truly sucks, but the image is funny—is the kid wearing a clown suit?

    Fear gremlins in the basement, blood on the walls, finding oneself in a latex body-suit: You know, these things happen—one just needs to "go with the flow", wait for things to settle down, and "get with the program". After all, bad things happen in other houses, too, right? Right?

    • "Being abused truly sucks"

      Who said the kid was abused? They just show a bunch of weird pictures of creepy kids during the intro of the show.

      • I was referring to the kid in the painting on the wall, in the comic. He looks like he is covering his crotch. His outfit looks kind of like a clown suit—like a Hallowe'en costume I once had, at a similar age…

        I have not seen the show—in fact, I had not even heard of it, in spite of reading the entertainment section of the newspaper, until this strip came out. The people in this strip look funnier with every viewing!

    • For a while I forgot I was drawing bob vila. The difference is he has an actual human neck and not a sadness pouch.

    • I was thinking Lucas at first, too, until I read the show name and it clicked that it was supposed to be Bob Vila. Is it bad that I mainly remember him from "Home Improvement" (as Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor's arch-nemesis-type person)?

    • yes but bob villa is the one most often associated with the show, hence why he shows up in comics so often when they spoof something like this/

      • Exactly. 9 out of 10 people over 25 at least know how Bob Vila is. Cant say the same for Norm, despite his New Yankee Workshopmanship.

        Also, it's probably Bob Vila's ghost.

      • True. He's still the best rememberd name from DIY type shows. Of course Mike Holmes from Holmes on Homes and Holmes Inspection is the big new name. As a contractor, he goes around with his "Do it right the first time" attitude, and loves to "Take it all down" referring stripping rooms back to the studs to fix all the problems.

  21. Did you just reference Jimmy the Murderdog from The System and imply that he should get his own show where he murders people by fart-shooting them? Because in all honesty I would watch the hell out of that. Best animal planet sitcom ever?

  22. A dog that farts bullets feed him meat and beans and you've got the ultimate in stealthy home defense, just aim his ass at any intruders and squeeze his stomach a bit, bam, no more intruders.

    I wonder if they come in 12ga.

  23. I am not a horror fan, but I would totally move into that house. If only to find the old man in the mask and hear him blame "those meddling kids".

    Plus I want to meet and disassemble the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVTpJIOoyIw

    I love Bob Villa's approach to the blood. Kind-of like Mulder's approach to the problem of disappearing pink flamingo on the lawn. Mulder's response? Fuck this, I am renting a big-ass excavator and digging up the lawn! Personally I would start with a complete house renovation, take everything apart, mess around with the EM field to see what would happen, wrap everything in aluminum foil and set up a couple of Tesla coils in the yard and the house. Let's see what the ghosts think of 40-50 thousand volts running through the middle of their domain.

    As for this specific family and this case, why don't they just sell the house to some death metal band? I am sure Danzig would put up an offer – or some other people. The hard part would be to get the elf blood to flow up the walls. Also, devil worshipers or whatever would jump at the chance. Sell tickets to paranormal investigators.

    • That would get the horror folks, who are already watching the program, PLUS the tech-gadgets folks, the I-LOVE-high-voltage! people, death metal listeners, groupies, and WTF? viewers, all to the one show. Heck, probably even I would watch the show! (Assuming My brother's cable-TV has the appropriate channel…)
      Too bad it will never happen…

    • 40-50 thousands volts? My old tube TV had more oomph than that.
      Now put a Million here and few Million there and after a while you are talking REAL Potential,.

      • Potential? HAH! Great nerd pun! Also, Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from The Future is my personal favorite ep. I can totally picture a metal band moving in, or at least filming a video there.

  25. The real reason they don't move out is because the house isn't haunted; they're all just insane. The residents are all crazy in different ways, ways that feed off each other. They just blame it on the house, so if they left they'd have nothing to pin all their crazy on. For example, there is no scarred man; Papa Bear whanged his baby-momma in the face with a shovel his own self. Psycho teenage boy? Just the daughter's way of excusing her glee at disposing of bodies, nothing more. So yes, if they left there wouldn't be a story. But the story is the one the characters are telling themselves and each other.

  27. May I add something?
    "P.S. We repeat GTFOof the evil, sexually-discomforting house! Haven't you seen our movies?! Do they not exhist in the world you live in?"

  28. Another winner here, joel! My parents are hooked on this show, if the contents of the DVR are any indication, but AHS makes absolutely no sense to me. Why even sell the house if there were so many deaths in it? My dad's in real estate, and he says if a murder happened in the house for sale within the last 3 years, the agent is supposed to tell the prospective buyers. The logical reaction this family should have had to that is "FUCK THAT SHIT!!! We're hauling ass the hell back to the damn city!" (5 curse words in 1 sentence. New personal best!)
    And that was a very lively debate in the previous strip's comments, wasn't it?

  29. The third episode was overcompensating for the 'just move out already!' logic, and in the space of 20 minutes told us that:

    – they couldn't afford to move out, (yet were buying an expensive new security system by the next episode);

    – the daughter threatened to run away if they moved out of the house to her mother: 'and you'll never find me';

    – a doctor would recommend the best way to avoid a miscarriage is to stay in your famous Murder House that attracted copycat killer home invaders because 'moving is like 'really* stressful and would be bad for the baby'.

    Seriously. Just go with it. This show is absolutely insane, and if you start looking for logic, you'll end up wearing your own Rubber Man suit. But it's easily the funniest comedy on television at the moment.

  30. Love the comic! I love/hate this show. I don't care how broke I was, I would not stay in this house. Totally insane! Everytime the rubberman shows up, I let out this audible whimper/whine…scares the crap out of me. And yes, of course, it's much less stressful to stay in your Murder House where creepy shit happens every day than to move.

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