An Offer He Can’t Refuse

Alternate title: “Meesa Makin’ Him An Offer Heesa Can’t Be Refusin’ ”

The idea that the upcoming Star Wars TV series would be like “Deadwood meets The Sopranos ” does little else other than make me twitch. Not that I have anything against either show (I’ve never seen them). I just can’t understand how, when given the opportunity to resurrect his now laughable franchise Lucas will ignore each and every single one of his (former) fans as they scream in unison, “ALL WE WANT IS JEDI AND LIGHTSABERS AND SPACE BATTLES AND DROIDS!!!” That’s it.

Now you might say, “The dreaded prequels had all of those things. You must be some kind of idiot.” Let me clarify. We want those things and ONLY those things. No Senate sub-committees, no trade disputes, no convoluted political posturing, no biology to explain the metaphysics of the universe, no terrible child actors, no great actors forced into mediocrity by poor writing and worse directing, none of that shit!

This is also not to say that we don’t want story elements. We do. We crave it like delicious mango’s or spiced meats. We want action, suspense, love, Wookies, “The Heroes Journey,” all of it. But you are so fucking bad at those things, George. You are just terrible at each and every one… at least you have been for the last decade or so. Stick to your guns. And by that I mean guns. The kinds with lasers. If you try and reinvent this franchise as a mafia drama or anything other than “Knights of the Old Republic: The Series” I’m going to kick you in the neck-scrotum.

George, you have spent 100% of your effort focusing on perfecting the technology of film making and in the process you have robbed your films of their soul. The Original Trilogy was a technical masterpiece, but it had heart. You are trying so hard to control everything down to the smallest detail that you’ve completely lost your way. The people that cared about you don’t even recognize you behind all of the machinery and computers. You seem fueled by a lust for ultimate control and power, but you are alienating everyone that loves you and transforming into more machine than… ohmyfuckinggod George Lucas is Darth Vader.

The prequels were a cry for help. George, I know there is still good in you. Come back to the light side.

On a side note, rather than make this rediculous “The HutFather” series, hire these two kids and let them run wild. I had more fun watching Ryan and Dorkman than I had during all 3 prequels combined.

So, give it to me. What’s your IDEAL Star Wars series? I would accept either “Jedi Academy”  or “KOTOR: The Series.”

P.S.

Here’s a decapitated horse head in a bed. I’m just saying is all.

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79 Comments

  7. The R2 lamp is just great.

    "Let the name of Jar-Jar be stricken from every book and tablet… unheard and unspoken, erased from the memory of men for all time…So let it be written, so let it be done."

  19. Not really. Im saying crime-family as in Mafia. Organized Crime would have been a better word. Captain Tightpants and crew were certainly committing crimes but definitely not organized. Firefly was really a western in space, and they were the stagecoach robbers.

  22. While I'm like 95% against this show ever being made with the current "visions", there is that 5% of me that thinks 'What if they make the show take place many years after episode VI'. Because then you could see if all our fav's come back as cameos, and that would logically explain their age. You have to admit, Cock Knocker? Mark could do sooo much better (but sadly, not by much).

  25. Don't worry, Joel, I have full faith in your geekiness. I expect we'll see more of these details when you release the "Special Edition" Hijinks Ensue in some 20 years. Then in another 7 years you'll have your "full original vision" realized in the Blu-ray V.43 release.

    Gotta have a Millennium Falcon in there somewhere, too.

  28. Ok, 200 points to anyone that makes a "Special Edition" of this comic. Im talking extra background characters, new dialog, digital "enhancements," the works.

    Post it online and link it in the comments.

  29. Reposting this for everyone to see. I issue a challenge:

    200 points to anyone that makes a "Special Edition" of this comic. I'm talking extra background characters, new dialog, digital "enhancements," the works.

    Post it online and link it in the comments.

  30. To be 100% honest, and to kill some of my awesome anon. geek cred, I've never actually read anything Star Wars-y. Before 1-3 came out, i had friends in the book series, and I was reading Asimov and Jose Farmer instead =/ Or even worse… Robert Jordan.

    i have always wanted to pick up a star wars book, or a small series, as I loved the movies.

    Would you recommend Zahn's Thrawn Trilogy to be my first foray into the SW book world?

  31. Star Wars novels usually go like this: take obscure character from the Mos Isley Cantina, write super detailed back story, include Cameo from a major character, repeat.

    I recommend the Thrawn Triology because it picks up right where ROTJ leaves off and DOES continue the stories of Han, Leia, Luke, etc. Its considered to be canon.

    The rest of the expanded universe is ALL OVER the place. Entire series are devoted the lives of clone troopers. Not my cup of tea. I would read Thrawn first, then check Amazon for user lists that also rated that series highly. The expanded universe community probably has some recommended authors that are generally safe reading.

  32. LMAO @ George Lucas' neck. So accurate, and so sad.

    I think the best Star Wars show would be "Jar Jar and Friends". At the end of each show's intro, they'd display a screen with the show's logo and then Jar Jar pops out from the bottom corner and says, "That'sa meesa!" Isn't that just perfect?

  33. Godfather scene + dead JarJar? This felt like a love letter just for me. How about the scene in Cuba (in GF 2) when Michael gives Fredo the (SPOILER) kiss of death for betraying him? It would be like when Lando betrayed Han. Wow, the trilogies are intertwined!

  37. Meh, I'd argue that the only ones worth reading are the Han Solo Trilogy and Shadows of the Empire. Not wonderful, but still entertaining.

    I stopped reading when Luke fell in love with a space ship. That's dumb shit.

  39. Nah, George hates the desert, remember? The neighborhood IS, however, about ten minutes from the Muir Woods forest where they shot the giant ass trees for ROTJ. And his house does somewhat resemble a tree house. I should say "houses" though, cause he's buying up all of the little bungalows around his and renovating them.

  40. I know I'm committing geek blasphemy here, but I really, REALLY hated the Thrawn trilogy. The whole thing seemed nothing more than Zahn showing how much material he could jam in from the RPG, and the story was basically this (spoilers, but only in the most vague sense):

    THRAWN: I have a plan to beat the rebels. We're going to (whispers in Pellaeon's ear)

    PELLAEON: That's brilliant, sir.

    (Battle begins. Rebels emerge victorious)

    PELLAEON: Sir, the Rebels won.

    THRAWN: No matter, this was just a warmup. What REALLY matters is my NEW plan to beat the Rebels…

    (Repeat)

    On top of that, Luke, despite having been a Jedi for five years, uses the Force about as well as he did at the start of Episode 5. That, and there's a continuity error on the VERY FIRST PAGE.

    Oddly, I read Zahn's "Hand Of Thrawn" duology a few years later and loved it. And most of the new characters he introduced, like Mara Jade and Captain Pellaeon, became important additions to the EU. But the Thrawn trilogy, I would only recommend if you're a completist.

  41. What's even scarier is when you try to remember his hair from before, you'll find ILM has digitally enhanced your memory of his hair and added extra Storm Troopers riding giant lizards and a whole new dance scene in Jaba's palace to his hair. I can't wait until his hair comes with a less whiny version of Luke!

  43. Rogue Squadron. See the EU books and comic series for reference. There really should be no other option. Tons of awesome space dogfights, minor characters like Wedge would be shown to be the studs they are, and there's be a dabbling of major characters wthin.

  44. Ok, say what you like about George the Filmmaker, but George the Businessman is freaking brilliant. He's completely revolutionized the way films are made. If you ever get the chance to see Skywalker or Big Rock Ranches, do it. They are veritable palaces of filmmaking beauty.

    Seriously, without George and ILM, your childhood would have sucked balls. You have to admit, he started out in the right place.

    Our current George is what happens when you don't have a good producer (couchrickmccallumhackcouch) to tell you NO when you need to hear it.

    Also: they didn't hire me at Big Rock despite having two great interviews and a recommendation from Alan Ladd, Jr. (a brilliant producer and responsible for setting up SW at Fox), so I really hope the Clone Wars animation series tanks.

  46. Deadwood and Sopranos meet Star Wars huh?

    At least we will get some hillarious new science fiction cuss words to make fun of!

  47. I expect this to be fucking terrible.

    It'd be awesome if they went back like 20,000 years like in Kotor, and made some movies on that.

  51. Make no mistake, I couldn't agree with you more. I've been saying for years that McCallum is excellent at getting out and building up excitement for the movies, even in the face of the constant negativity that clouds any mention of SW. But neither he nor anyone else seem to be able to gently take George aside and say "hey, look boss, I know that to you this is great and makes perfect sense, but I don't think people are gonna get it. How about we try a different approach?"

    The trouble with the new trilogy is that there was no one like Harrison Ford saying "you can write this shit, George, but you sure can't say it."

  52. i've been reading the comics, and I love the little blurb at the beginning of each comic. Apparently, it was also the opening narration to the show, but I don't recall it on the DVDs.
    "After the Earth was used up, we found a new solar system and hundreds of new Earths were terraformed and colonized. The central planets formed the Alliance and decided all the planets had to join under their rule. There was some disagreement on that point. After the War, many of the Independents who had fought and lost drifted to the edges of the system, far from Alliance control. Out here, people struggled to get by with the most basic technologies; a ship would bring you work, a gun would help you keep it. A captain's goal was simple: find a crew, find a job, keep flying."

  53. Lucas knows that people don't like the new trilogy, and people don't like the "enhanced" versions of his films, right? He saw the South Park episode, right? I heard on some show that he saw the ep, and decided against remaking something else in his library.

    Cause really, how could someone fuck up so royally?

  54. I'm surprised no one has beheaded Jar Jar Binks on sheer matter of principle yet.

    That t-shirt in the same pattern as your sweater is ragin'! (and I mean that non-ironically)

  55. It was Stephen Spielberg. He was going to "enhance" Raiders of the Lost Ark like he did with ET (I.E. cut the balls off of the movie and add some shitty CGI). Supposedly he saw the episode and realized what a bad idea it was. Trey Parker said in an interview that he sent them a nice/angry letter about the episode. I have a feeling though it more had to do with how badly the new version of ET was recieved.

  60. Was watching it with friends. Had been ok with changes thus far, the horror hadn't set it.

    Then…HE appeared.

    As if we were one person, we all ran screaming out onto the balcony, shrieking our nightmares to the sky. The cacophony was such that the neighbors came out to make sure we were not in mortal peril.

    True story.

  61. Star Wars Arrested Development that's it, I said it, the series pretty much writes itself…

    George Snr – Darth vader
    Michael Bluth – Ben Kenobi
    George Michael – Luke
    G.O.B. – Han Solo
    Tobias Funke – Yoda
    Lucille Bluth – Queen Organa
    Maeby – Princess Leia (take out the part of the star-wars plot where Lei gets with solo and it's safe from censors)
    Annyong – Jar-Jar
    Carl Weathers/Franklin Delano Bluth – Lando Calrissian
    Ice – Boba Fett
    Wife of G.O.B. – Chewbacca
    Lindsay – C3PO
    Lucille Austero – R2D2
    Mr. Banangrabber – Jabba the Hut

    And so on, it's eith this or Star Wars-[scrubs]…

  65. I believe the absorption of Jar Jar's energy can actually kill an immortal. In a way, that's a good thing, since it would once and for all end the string of crappy Highlander sequels.

  66. "Okay, we are just about ass-to-ankles back here, Leia. Do you want to hop on your cousin’s lap there, please?"

    "There're galactic credits in the banana stand"

    I also think there should be storm troppers marching around shouting "STEVE HOLT!"

  73. Definitely better if it kills the immortal, as opposed to turning the immortal into a horrific immortal/Jar Jar hybrid, which could destroy all sci-fi as we know it!

  75. fluzz – n. (fluhz) – 1. space poontang 2. one who easily gives up access to her own fluzz

    As illustrated in this example – "Captain Kirk got all sorts of fluzz from green women…and also the Bufolian clap."

  76. No. I meant I don't have a newsletter. You were obviously being clever. I was obviously trying to be a smart ass back. Fail.

    But feel free to reiterate that you agree with me as often as you like.

  77. Amen to that. I got the "snazzy" updated versions for Christmas when they came out, and i about cried at the end of RoTJ… anyone else scarred for life by that?

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