The Macchanal

The HIJINKS ENSUE STORE Is where you can buy stuff that I made! It supports me and my family and keeps this little operation going.

I keep trying to find a way to honestly call this a “mostly true” story, but my integrity won’t let me. It’s a completely true story. When Josh told me his one month old Macbook Air had been damaged, I was mostly curious as to why he still owned a computer that was already a month old. He’s not usually one to deal in antiques. Then I wondered if it had perhaps been cut on its own sharpness. Next I suggested he buff out the damage with toothpaste (which I hear is a thing people do). When he informed me that said damaged with an actual crack in the glass, I wanted to suggest maybe using that stripy toothpaste or some of those whitening trays. Then I figured that not ALL dental health products related to laptop screen repair. Before I could make fun of his hardship further, Apple just gave him a new Macbook Air. I assume the genius in question pulled up his purchase history, saw that it was greater than the GNP of most small island countries, immediately offered a thousand pardons for making him wait so long and poured him a glass of champagne with a hundred dollar bill floating in it.

COMMENTERS: Josh did actually crack his new Macbook Air by dropping a $250 remote control on it. What’s the dumbest way you’ve ever damaged something valuable? Any good stories about getting something replaced for free? Have at it.

Tags: apple, genius bar, mac, macbook air, steve jobs, tech

The iLluminati

THE HIJINKS ENSUE STORE IS A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BUY STUFF!!!

OMG you guys, Apple totally wants to go steady with Tim Cook! Brenda told Gina and Gina told Stephanie H. that after study hall, Apple is going to give Tim Cook a million shares of their company valued at nearly 400 million dollars that will be fully vested over the next 10 years! OMG OMG OMG! Couldn’t you just die!? They are going to be SO. FREAKING. CUTE together. Totes.

I know Tim Cook’s sexuality doesn’t really pertain to his new job as AppleLord [All hail AppleLord may his blessings be upon you], but I do think a gay man being in charge of one of the largest tech companies in the world is a good step towards universal acceptance of homosexuals. I don’t expect him to crusade for gay rights or anything. It’s better for humanity as a whole if he just does a great job as a gay man in a high profile position. As dumb as this may sound, if some guy with lingering homophobia has the realization that, “I love Apple. Tim Cook runs Apple. Tim Cook is gay. So… gays aren’t evil?” the world becomes a slightly less hateful place.

All of that tolerance aside, the secret gay cabal that runs the media is coming for us, and they won’t stop until we are enslaved under their fashionable iron boot and they rule the over-side. Be afraid. Be super crazy fancy afraid.

Tags: anderson cooper, apple, dollhouse, gay, mac, steve jobs, tech, tim cook

iWish iKnew How To Force Quit You

THE HIJINKS ENSUE STORE IS A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BUY STUFF!!!

Time to retire his black turtleneck into the rafters.

I honestly feel that Steve Jobs, and his singular vision for his company, have done more to increase the acceptance of technology by the general public and the integration of that technology into our daily lives that any other single person in the last 50 years. Like his products or hate them [for whatever arbitrary reason] they have consistently strived to make high end, seemingly “magic” devices accessible to technophiles and n00bs alike. Your mom has an iPad. A device that wasn’t even on the horizon 5 years ago. Steve helped bring us [that] much closer to the future, and for that I will always be grateful to him. Not to Apple, but to him directly. Ever since he returned to Apple in the 90’s, Steve’s drive, commitment, integrity and borderline certifiable insanity have directly influenced how we interact with technology. He’s a total nutter, but great men often are. I think you’d be hard pressed to find any one person that REALLY changed the world (for better or worse) that wasn’t at least a little unhinged. Here’s hoping he’s in better health than I expect he is, and that his input will continue to lead to wonderful shiny gadgets for years to come.

I hesitate to speculate on the future of Apple as a whole. Can they stay on the path Steve set them on, or will they falter under new leadership? My friend Bill Barnes of Unshelved and Not Invented Here wrote some nice words about Steve, and my friend Adam Koford drew this subtly touching and ironic (using the literall meaning of the word) cartoon.

COMMENTERS: Is Apple still Apple without Steve? Should it be? Other thoughts on Steve Job’s departure from Apple? [Please no Apple haters or pointless negativity]

Tags: apple, mac, steve jobs, tech

Hush My Darling, Don’t Fear My Darling

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our University of Gallifrey Fighting Time Lords Shirt over at Sharksplode.

I find myself in this position with Josh IRL more often than I like. That is, the position of him “fixing” my computer to be more to his liking. “YOU AREN’T USING SPACES, THE MOST INFURIATINGLY FRUSTRATING THIS ABOUT OS X?!?! [click click click] THERE! I TURNED IT ON FOR YOU SO THAT I LIKE USING YOUR COMPUTER MORE!” Once, Josh IRL didn’t like the latency on my MIDI keyboard so he “upgraded” my soundcard driver to one that totally reduced the latency by not allowing my computer to boot any more.

I’m still adjusting to OS X Lion, but I did disable reverse scrolling after about 5 minutes. That shit made me feel like I was in the International Space Station. I don’t want my Internet browsing to cause bone loss. I don’t roll like an astronaut.

COMMENTERS: What other gestures are available in OSX LION? What about the one armed reverse awkward hug, or the Captain’s embrace? How about the one finger Ankh – where you draw gender symbology on the trackpad while singing Ace of Base songs? Gimme your best example and what they might accomplish within the OS.

Dallas Fancy Bastards! I am going to be at STRIP: The Dallas Webcomic Expo this Saturday [August 6th] from 10-5pm. It’s only $5 to get in. Come get a book or a sketch. It’s a very low key show and I’ll probably be doing a fun times panel with the dude from Cyanide and Happiness.

I am also going to be attending the Marian Call concert TONIGHT (Tuesday the 2nd) at Poor David’s Pub in Dallas. You should come.

Last thing: My AC died yesterday and living without AC in Texas is not an option. The new unit is costing me $3000. SPOILERS: I don’t have 1 thousand of dollars, let alone 3 of them. If you enjoy my ability to make comics without dying of heat stroke, please consider making a donation, buying something from the store or buying something from Sharksplode.

UPDATE: You wonderful Fancy Bastards have already donated nearly $400 towards the AC repairs. Thank you so very much. I am always speechless at your kindness and generosity.

Tags: apple, mac, osx lion, tech

Genius Barred

THE HIJINKS ENSUE STORE IS BACK!!!

The newly relaunched HE Store is up and running over at Blind Ferret. Please go check it out and maybe buy a book or a shirt or something. Shirts will begin shipping soon, now that we are all back from Comic-Con.

Today’s comic is a super special crossover event with one of my favorite webcomics, Not Invented Here. See how the action plays out (or refuses to) in THIS bonus Friday NiH comic. Not Invented Here is the brainsplosion of my friends Bill Barnes and Paul Southworth. You may know Bill from his other comic Unshelved (because libraries are funny?) and his incredibly hurtful foreword to my first book. Paul (who normally draws NiH, but if off this week) is the creator of Ugly Hill (one of the first comics I ever did a guest strip for) and Isaac Splode.

Not Invented Here started out as a comic by an ex-programmer for current programmers, but has since evolved beyond its premise (as good comedies often do) into a character driven gag/story about two friends (one of whom is Owen, shown in my comic above) working in an intensely corporate environment. Bill writes the strip based on 30… 50… at least 75 years of experience in the software development world. If you have ever coded, worked with a coder, had a manager that imposes impossible deadlines/milestones, or spent any time at all sitting at a desk for 10+ hours a day firing mental hate-rays at the clock then you really need to check out this strip. If you want to see how the comic normally appears courtesy of Paul’s expert and enviable art style, check out THIS ONE or THIS ONE. Otherwise you should start reading from the beginning and/or pick up their first book, Runtime Error.

Bill, I believe this completes my contractual obligation. Now please tell me where my family is.

COMMENTERS: What other products are for sale at the “Apple Store”? What other details, defining characteristics or employee behaviors might be a tip off that something is amiss?

Tags: apple, apple store, bill barnes, china, crossover, fake apple store, mac, not invented here, paul southworth, steve jobs, tech