Chapters: HijiNKS ENSUE

Field Sobriety Test

The big giant mega blowout HE Store sale is over, and we are putting the final touches on the new HE store which will hopefully launch tomorrow HERE.

UPDATE ON THE FANCY DIGITAL SKETCH DRIVE: If you are still waiting on your Fancy Digital Sketch, I am SUPER BACKLOGGED on these. I am very sorry it’s taking so long. Doing 50+ original pieces of finished art always sounds easy, until you agree to do it and take money for it. I am working through them, but if you need yours urgently, feel free to let me know via email.

Joel is headed home so I guess we’re about to meet his wife. Hear that, ACTUAL WIFE? I’m about to draw you in a comic or whatever! Let the record she that she did not protest. Let the record ignore that she is asleep because it’s 4:30 am. Things you whisper alone into the dark are totally admissible in court.

COMMENTERS: By virtue of being married to me and being totally supportive of my creative endeavors, my wife has sort of obligated herself to appearing in the comic. She’s had 6 years to get used to the idea, so I can’t say it will be that much of a shock. That is, until I get to the LEGEND OF THE ULTIMATE ROBOBEAST: ORGY WAR 2068 storyline later this year. What are the unwelcome obligations and perks that come along with your spouse or significant other’s job/profession/whatever? Does their job give you free travel all over the world? Perk! Does their job require free travel to New Jersey? Less of a perk!

PACMAN NECKLACE! WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA…

This is my wife’s birthday week! Celebrate it by buying yourself a present from her Etsy store “Science and Fiction.” Check out her her latest geeky creation, a Pacman inspired necklace!

Pacman Necklace on Etsy

 

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Neph Sy · 89 weeks ago

He has the unwelcome obligation of helping with many facets of my business as an unpaid helper. Being a schlepper, and driver for 6-13 hour drives is probably the worse of it. I’m so lucky!

His previous job had great perks for my business; free photocopies, access to free dial up after business hours, a free laptop that no one wanted (it was so old, and permanently locked into a charging station base). Free trip to San Diego once. Health insurance.

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Cdogg · 89 weeks ago

My husband is a philosophy professor, so he gets free trips to conferences once or twice a year, so we just need to buy me a ticket and we have an almost free vacation! We went to Vancouver and Edinburgh last year, which I definitely call a perk.

But, on the other hand, I’m married to an over-educated man who spends his days with annoying undergrads and gets paid to argue, so that can be a bit of a pain in my ass… 🙂

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PokeyPuppy · 89 weeks ago

Husband’s job requires a TON of travel, which is not a perk for me – he’s gone a lot. But every time we travel, free air travel & hotel stays in swanky rooms from all his points, so that is a GREAT perk!

I have a bookstore, so his marriage perk is access to tons of books for cheap-or-free, which in our household is a major deal. Books everywhere…

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Chris· 89 weeks ago

Her job gets us a discount on fuel to drive around and visit people/places more (which if you know what fuel costs in the UK, is pretty handy).

My job gets her free access to pretty much any decent gig when her favourite bands come to town…

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brigidkeely· 89 weeks ago

In about 2 months we get medical, vision, and dental coverage which is a huge god damned perk, and before that he’s finally making enough money I can actually see a dentist for some emergency stuff. Huge perks. Downside? he works 12-15 hour shifts 5 days a week so I get no help around the house and our kid frets about how much he misses his dad. My husband’s perk for marrying me is that I’m a tolerable housewife, really good cook, and can keep things functioning when he’s away. Downside for him is that I’ve been in severe pain for several months and lash out in a furious rage when anyone tries to touch me.
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jujyfruit0· 89 weeks ago

The hubs works in Physical Therapy, so he basically fixes whatever is wrong with my apparently aged-before-it’s-time body. Wonky hip, neck pain, shoulder pain, I just point, grunt, and hiss ‘dooooo sooooomethiiing’ and he fixes me up.

The downside is I’m also the guinea pig for any new ‘techniques’ he wants to try out before he inflicts his patients with new torturous ways of making you ‘feel better’. Many have left me writhing in pain. But hey! Being able to turn my head 360 degrees is super-useful now!

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PokeyPuppy · 89 weeks ago

Definitely – shouldn’t be considered a “perk,” should be something everyone has! Stupid health care system *grumble grumble*
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Neph Sy · 89 weeks ago

I’m Canadian, just because we have “free” healthcare doesn’t mean everything is free.

It’s still good to have separate private health coverage for medication, eyecare, dentistry, therapy, hospital stays…etc.
Medication costs for some illnesses or conditions are major!

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Justplainsomething · 89 weeks ago

I have one of her Quidditch necklaces and it is PRETTY.

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hijinksensue· 89 weeks ago

Really glad you like it.
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lou · 89 weeks ago

When one of my parents goes out of town for business for a week or more, they both go and make a mini-vacation out of it. Last year, my mom had a conference to go to in Germany and the Czech Republic, and Dad went along because of their centuries-old breweries, bringing home the beer steins and bottle openers to prove it. To quote Liz Lemon, “I want to go to there!”
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Siirenias · 89 weeks ago

I’m a massage therapist. I think my girlfriend appreciates this muchly.

Shame we live a state apart and all.

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hijinksensue· 89 weeks ago

this is the perk to end all perks as far as Im concerned.
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planetliz· 89 weeks ago

My other half and I both work at the same University, so I get car rides and the occasional middle of the day hug. It’s nice.
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rostheskunk · 28 weeks ago

Mmmm Solyent Green Mountain Dew.

All Apologies

“PORTA JOHN SMITH” SHIRTS ARE UP AT SHARKSPLODE!!!

The big giant mega blowout HE Store sale is over, and we are putting the final touches on the new HE store which will soon (like probably October 1st) live HERE.

UPDATE ON THE FANCY DIGITAL SKETCH DRIVE: If you are still waiting on your Fancy Digital Sketch, I am SUPER BACKLOGGED on these. I am very sorry it’s taking so long. Doing 50+ original pieces of finished art always sounds easy, until you agree to do it and take money for it. I am working through them, but if you need yours urgently, feel free to let me know via email.

COMMENTERS: You get what Denise is saying, right? I mean, you GET IT, right… man? What’s the best/most confusion drunksplanation you’ve ever gotten/given? Since they are basically the same, what’s the best childsplanation (a kid trying to explain something complicated to you, giving little to no context or discernible facts) you’ve ever received?

When my daughter was 4 she had a playdate with a friend and they watched a movie. She tried to tell us what the movie was in the car on the way home. There was a man who was dead, but not all the time. And a girl who didn’t know she was really a princes and the bad man did a spell. It went on like that for 20 minutes before I realized the man who was not always dead was Rasputin and the movie was Anastasia.

PACMAN NECKLACE! WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA…

This is my wife’s birthday week! Celebrate it by buying yourself a present from her Etsy store “Science and Fiction.” Check out her her latest geeky creation, a Pacman inspired necklace!

Pacman Necklace on Etsy

 

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

This became evident when we realized everything she was saying was totally accurate.
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samaelsmile· 90 weeks ago

Kudos on extending the Nirvan-y goodness another comics’ worth with the title!
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Adrian · 90 weeks ago

My wife was a little loopy, but decided that would be better than being in super panic attack mode, and she sat down we me and a bunch of friends to watch Teeth. That one movie where the lady has shark teeth, y’know, down there. Well there is a scene where she dives into a lake with a guy friend and my wife innocently asks, “I wonder if her teeth are chattering.” I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.
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seriously · 90 weeks ago

One time I was expecting an important phone call and had to leave the house for a few minutes. I figured they’d leave a message on my machine and that would be that.

Turns out in the fifteen minutes I was gone my sister-in-law dropped by with my 5 year old nephew to visit. And the expected phone call happened. My nephew answered the phone before she could stop him and he fervently promised whoever was on the other end he’d give me the message.

Yeah, turns out five year olds can’t take phone messages for shit.

His version of what was said basically boiled down to: “The man said to see the lady Monday, at um….I forget. But to call him back at exception um…seven hundred something. And I think his name was Lou.”

Luckily I was able to get a hold of “Lou”, whose real name was Albert, the appointment was for a Wednesday, the extension was 435, and he’d never said anything about a lady in the phone call at all.

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Zee · 90 weeks ago

I remember babysitting a five year old, and her three year old sister. The five year old went to the bathroom, and after a while, I thought she’d been gone for too long. I knocked, and she opened the door, and there was a giant puddle all over the tile. It had appeared that she filled a shoebox with water (and a rubber duckie), and then put it on the floor, where it proceeded to leak everywhere. I asked her why she had ton this, and she said that she had “accidentally, but on purpose” put the water on the floor. We went through several different variations on this, but it was always “accidentally on purpose”.

After about the third or fourth iteration, I realized that this was a child’s way of saying, “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time…” laughed, and got a mop.

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zee · 90 weeks ago

why she had “done” this
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Kevin · 89 weeks ago

A lot of the actual conversation is lost to me, as it was me trying to explain.. I was visiting a friend and we were drinking quite a bit when I got out a bag of cookies I had brought (ziploc baggie with about 10 cookies in it?) I had a bit too much to drink, and blacked out and thought it had only been about 10 seconds when it had been about 5 minutes. All but 2 of the cookies were gone. At this point I called my female friend a fatass and got angry she had eaten all my cookies.

1 reply · active 89 weeks ago

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Kevin · 89 weeks ago

(second part got cut off.)
I then spent quite a while trying to drunkenly convince her that there had been about 30 cookies in this single small bag.

Apologies were made the following morning ..

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lou · 89 weeks ago

I think I’m better at explaining things when I’m drunk, because I’m just more talkative than when I’m sober, and as I hear myself, more witty and charming. I have dubbed this “The Bond Effect”.

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hijinksensue· 89 weeks ago

I feel the same way. I’m extremely talkative as it is, and Im VERY comfortable speaking in front of large groups of people, but after a few drinks I am just ON. I find the part of my brain that can do quick joke calculations and rapid fire comebacks, and joke tags performs at peak efficiency when slightly lubricated. Then a few more drinks and I just get reeeeeeallly quiet.

A Drinkin’ Song

“PORTA JOHN SMITH” SHIRTS ARE UP AT SHARKSPLODE!!!

sharlsplode-porta-john-smith-ad

The big giant mega blowout HE Store sale is over, and we are putting the final touches on the new HE store which will soon live HERE. Big thanks to everyone that supported the blowout sale and my apologies to anyone that had to pay unusually high shipping prices. Unfortunately that problem wasn’t sorted out before the sale ended.

Pacman Necklace on Etsy

PACMAN NECKLACE! WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA…

Yesterday was my wife’s birthday. Celebrate it by buying yourself a present from her Etsy store “Science and Fiction.” Check out her her latest geeky creation, a Pacman inspired necklace!

Alternate titles for this comic: “Face Down, Ass Up,” “Bound For The Floor” and “Hello Linoleum, My Old Friend.”

I used to work for a landscape company as a book keeper. I was 19 years old, I knew nothing about landscaping and even less about book keeping, but I interviewed extremely well. In fact, I’ve landed essentially every job I’ve ever interview for. Perhaps THAT should have been my job. Getting jobs. At the landscape company I worked for a tiny little man with an ENORMOUS chip on his shoulder regarding his tiny little stature. He was a temperamental little sprite and he took great joy out of bossing around his large, tall, somewhat slow-witted business partner. They had a very “George and Lenny” vibe going on. “The best laid sod of mice and men…” and what not. This little, angry dude also had a sign hung next to his desk and over his mini fridge that said “NO BEER UNTIL 5pm!” Guess what the mini fridge was full of.  Day-drunk for him was apparently both a constant struggle and a way of life.

My only real experience with that early afternoon temptress, Lady Day-drunk, comes from comic conventions. It’s much easier to get through 10 hours a day at a slow convention when a reader brings you a tiny bottle of rum and you’ve sold just enough merch to afford a $9 Coke from the concession stand. Day-drunk is the Universes way of saying, “Let’s go ahead and put a stop to this crappy day before it even happens.”

COMMENTERS: What are your best and worst experiences with being (or being around someone who is) day-drunk? Was it at a festival, a funeral, at work or at home because you’re an adult, god dammit, and no one’s going to tell you 11am isn’t wine o’clock!

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seriously · 90 weeks ago

Funnily enough one morning after Christmas we wanted pancakes but realized we’d used it all making eggnog the night before.

Turns out eggnog loaded with bourbon + pancake mix = surprisingly good pancakes. And gets you slightly tipsy.

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

You can substitute Egg Nog for any ingredient in any recipe and it will usually improve the situation. That’s just science .
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LazyDolphin· 90 weeks ago

This may be my favorite ever HE storyline. You’re on a roll, Joel.

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

Hey thanks! I’m having fun.
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Annie B · 90 weeks ago

I must say I really like the new tangent. Before, I would skip a few comics when my RSS were too full (900+ posts is way too much to go through without marking a few categories as read), but now I make a point of reading your comic every day. Good job!

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

Mission accomplished. Thanks!
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Michael Corley · 90 weeks ago

Beernana is going to be the drink of the next spring break!
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Wesley · 90 weeks ago

Best day-drunk.. can’t remember. It’s great just spending the day with friends or on a festival having fun and drinking.

Not-so-great were the burn-out days. Being by yourself, avoiding everyone because everything felt like stress and getting drunk to feel better.. except you don’t. You feel worse. It didn’t happen every day, but it was darn-well rotten not being able to cope, feeling frustrated and being too drunk to finish a damn thought.

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moffattbooks· 90 weeks ago

first thought: man Hijinks Eli gets drunk alot, second thought: IRL Eli would have Wolverine’s healing powers then if he drank that much lol

2 replies · active 90 weeks ago

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

Well, A LOT of comics so far only relates to getting drunk ONCE in actual time. It’s all relative.
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mist · 90 weeks ago

Well technically if he gets drunk once early on, and stays topped up, that also counts as “only once” 🙂 (con rules.)
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PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

I am the most boring person alive – haven’t been drunk, let alone day-drunk, in years. But when everyone around me is getting stupid-drunk, the last thing I want is to be mentally impaired!

2 replies · active 90 weeks ago

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Trish · 90 weeks ago

Weird, cuz that’s exactly when I feel the need to be drunk. Drunk people are a lot easier to tolerate when you’re impaired.
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Judy R. Wilder · 90 weeks ago

It is good to know someone is thinking with a clear head. My biological father and Step father were both alcoholics and even though they were good men, the drinking kept them from reaching their full potential. They both died young.

A lot of people drink beer and it is the beverage of choice in many countries. I guess what I am saying is that getting plastered isn’t a solution for anything. I feel it is wrong to make people, mostly minors, think getting drunk is away to wind down or forget their troubles. It is only my opinion and I am just an ancient flower child trying to share a “little” wisdom.

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

Day-drunk of the living dead?
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Bron · 90 weeks ago

I’ve always vaguely enjoyed getting sloshed during the day (when not working that day obviously) its especially nice in the summer. I especially like going out for lunch and having a drink and a chat in the pub until dinner and then maybe going to the club afterwards to play darts or some such. When I was in university we used to do that at least once a fortnight sometimes twice a week (we had Wednesday afternoons off you see, I think we were supposed to be doing sport or some other similar nonsense). We once worked out we drank about 200-300 units of alcohol between the 5 of us per session, I’m surprised we didn’t die of liver failure.

I had great difficulty with a co-worker once who turned up drunk to work a lot (or was suspected to be doing so, she became erratic after breaks) but no one could work out where she was getting alcohol from. We noticed she always smelled overwhelmingly of cheap floral perfume, turned out she was drinking the stuff, jolly strange way to go about things I must say.

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zathael · 90 weeks ago

actually, there are three more legitimate claims. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Christophe,_Pri…http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louis_Alphonse,_Duke…http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henri_d%27Orl%C3%A9a…

The first is the direct descendant of Napolean, the other two of House Bourbon by way of two different family branches.

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lou · 90 weeks ago

Now I have to find out just how much territory the Hapsburgs ruled! My parents visited their old palace in Vienna, Austria, and learned they basically ruled all of Europe, but Mexico too?!
The closest I have to that drinking in class story is when I had to take an American Studies course when I went to SJSU, and we had our last regular meeting before finals in the Gordon-Bierscht microbrewery in San Jose. There we were, giving presentations on various topics, while drinking different types of GB’s original brews!
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Mitch H. · 90 weeks ago

Philip II (he of the Spanish Armada, widower of England’s Mary I, aka “Bloody Mary”) ruled about a third to two-fifths of the world in the early 1580s after inheriting the Portuguese throne, although his wars with his rebellious Dutch subjects and former English subjects had already started dismantling the Portuguese empire in the East Indies, and Spanish dominion in the West Indies.

And the professor was an idiot. The colony of Tejas was under a Hapsburg king for maybe fifteen years before the Bourbon succession. And the Austrian branch of the family *never* had a claim on the Spanish possessions in the New World.

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lou · 89 weeks ago

Portuguese? Philip II was King of Spain
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Bear · 90 weeks ago

Woke up around noon on a Saturday, opened the fridge, saw a beer, and thought, “Why not?”. Skip ahead ALL THE BEERS later to me waking up laying on the dog bed in the dark and thinking, “I don’t remember going to bed here last night.” I checked my phone and saw that it was 8 o’clock… in the evening. I’d managed to drink myself onto the floor in a few hours and “nap” the day away.
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brigidkeely· 90 weeks ago

I have 2 stories.

The first is from college.

My room mate and I picked up a bunch of little packets of slushy mix that Kool-Aid made. i don’t think they’re made anymore, sadly. We’d mix them with vodka and freeze them in solo cups and then wander around campus eating boozy slushy and nobody knew. NOBODY KNEW. Stealth drank.

The second involves breakfast.

I made some absolutely incredible bread pudding, studded with orange and bourbon soaked raisins, with an amazing bourbon sauce that was… very, very strong. So my parents came over and I made scrambled eggs and bacon and this intensely fantastic bread pudding and coffee and we all got breakfast tipsy off the bourbon sauce.

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Emmy · 90 weeks ago

There is a horse race in Australia called the Melbourne Cup, AKA ‘the race that stops a nation’. It’s held on a Tuesday, around lunchtime. Almost every office stops for the race and there’s sandwiches and champers or beer. I learnt early on not to send emails after Melbourne Cup Lunch – there is a risk that you’ll piss off soemone who you really don’t want to piss off.

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beer o’clock · 90 weeks ago

II can’t count the number of times I’ve been day drunk! I’d have to say my favorite is water parks and theme parks. We would carefully unscrew lids off water bottles so that little ring would stay attached to the cap and pour in any clear Booz we wanted then re-seal them. Most parks let you take in water and not much else so we took full advantage of their naiveté.
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Bill Murphy · 90 weeks ago

There’s never a bad time to have a drink.
Hey, It’s gotta be Noon somewhere right? 😛
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bubujin_2 · 90 weeks ago

Once in college a buddy and I mixed up 3/4 of a gallon of strawberry daiquiri and took it to afternoon classes to share with our fellow students. After three classes I know we were definitely feeling a good buzz–buddy swore I was day drunk but I didn’t think so.
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Aetheling · 90 weeks ago

Last year, me and a friend mixed up White Russian and put it over cereal (Cinnamon Grahams, to be precise) to go to an 9AM lecture with breakfast after a heavy night of drunken Risk. The lecturer didn’t realise that the milk in the tupperwares…wasn’t.
Then we went home and did it again, until about three in the afternoon, when we both passed out.
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Holly · 90 weeks ago

Everyone’s favorite: the Office Christmas Party. Except I was working in a theater, and the party started at 11am. We drank during the “awards ceremony” at the theater, drank in a party bus on the way to a restaurant/arcade, drank while playing ski ball and Pacman, then drank in the party bus on the way back to work. Best. Party. Ever. One of the accountants had to call his son to pick him up from work.
The only downside: being a theater the real work actually started at 5pm. I’m pretty sure I didn’t sober up until intermission.
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Runcibletune · 90 weeks ago

While I have no day-drunk stories to relate, I want to say that I think this is one of your finest comics, Joel. Something about the pacing of the puns, juxtaposed against the way you’ve drawn Eli on the floor… it’s still making me chuckle just thinking about it!

1 reply · active 89 weeks ago

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hijinksensue· 89 weeks ago

That’s very kind. Thanks!

Kirby Krackle

“PORTA JOHN SMITH” SHIRTS ARE UP AT SHARKSPLODE WHUUUUUUUT?!?!? sharksplode-t-shirt-porta-john-smith-1

The big giant mega blowout HE Store sale is technically over, but until the plug is pulled (today? tomorrow?) you can probably still get some cheap books and shirts HERE. I’m really sorry about the high shipping prices many Fancy Bastards have been telling me about encountering in the store. That basically defeats the purpose of having a blowout sale, doesn’t it? Oh well. I still really appreciate the support for the sale and I promise when the new, improved store opens (hopefully later this week), there will be no such problems with insane shipping prices.

Pacman Necklace on Etsy

PACMAN NECKLACE! WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA-WAKA…

Today is my wife’s birthday. Celebrate it by buying yourself a present from her Etsy store “Science and Fiction.” Check out her her latest geeky creation, a Pacman inspired necklace!

Eli (IRL)’s cat, Kirby (or is it Kurby? Who cares?) weighs somewhere between 30 lbs and 1/4 the mass of a neutron star. Rather than beg for food, he will usually just scoot himself into a area where food is likely to fall, and lay there, upside down, mouth agape for hours. He’s like a feline filter feeder, just floating through the ocean that is Eli’s home, allowing bits of cheese and sausage to get caught in his kitty baleen. What a giant piece of shit.

COMMENTERS: Why are cat’s such giant pieces of shit? How do your cats let you know that your sole purpose in this life is to service them? Are you a piece of furniture to them? A scratching post? A method by which food is delivered? What?! You say your cats AREN’T total assholes? Those, my delusional friend ARE NOT cats. Those are either unusually large guinea pigs or rare, african land otters.

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

I feel like this is a perfect cat eulogy.
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moffattbooks· 90 weeks ago

my mother has a cat that loves black pants and black shirts. Despite our best efforts yesterday, she needed to sit as close as possible to us because we had black shirts on for a photo shoot. i think somewhere in her cat mind, she probably said “yes, shed on the black shirts!”
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Stupido Comics · 90 weeks ago

Is that mustard sauce she is feeding the cat? Feed it mouse-tard sauce. Cats love mousetard sauce. They also love mewnnaise!
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DuckAmuck · 90 weeks ago

We just moved (less than a month ago) and the trials of Nuku-Nuku (the old cat) vs. The House have been completely entertaining.
She’s still way too scaredy to be an asshole, mostly. She lets us know that she trusts us – we wouldn’t let the dogs next door eat her – and that she needs us – to protect her from the traffic in the street for some reason – and that I’m furniture that feeds her.
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brigidkeely· 90 weeks ago

I’m allergic to cats AND THEY KNOW IT so they like to come up to me and wrap themselves around me and purr and cuddle my face. It doesn’t matter how stand-offish or hostile a cat normally is. I enter the room and they are all over me.

Assholes.

3 replies · active 90 weeks ago

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brigidkeely· 90 weeks ago

I think both of those are spot on assessments.

I really love cats, but I don’t love asthma attacks and swollen runny eyes.

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

They can smell your weakness.
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rattify· 90 weeks ago

You’re doing a great job making Eli and Co strong and interesting characters 😀

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

Thank you. It means a lot to hear that from someone else’s perspective.
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Bill Murphy · 90 weeks ago

Today’s comic was fantastic! I laughed over the cat falling into Joel’s lap, the drank 5 beers comment and the cat being fed cheese wiz! Lots of fun today!

However, I like cats. Because they ARE a$$holes! 😉

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Trish · 90 weeks ago

I don’t trust any living creature that isn’t an asshole at least part of the time. Which is why I’m a cat person and not a dog person, and which also explains my choice of friends…
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Dave · 90 weeks ago

The great Terry Pratchett once wrote a bit on the matter.
“If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty cruel little bastards they really are. Style, that’s what people remember”
also:
“In ancient times Cats were worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this.”

2 replies · active 90 weeks ago

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

Actual LOL from the Pratchett quote.
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StephC · 90 weeks ago

This is too much like my dad and Tippy. That cat is a medicine ball with legs (he’s a heavy bastard). The last three panels are *exactly* what the interactions between Dad and Tippy are like… just add more swearing.
Most of my other cats are supreme assholes. Two of my girls will launch themselves from 7-8 feet away and land on your shoulder while you’re doing something, then they’ll start to lose their balance and grab onto you with every single claw.
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PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

We used to foster cats for the Humane Society, but my husband is terrible at fostering and wants to keep all the kitties, so now we have SEVEN. SEVEN CATS.

They are all sometimes assholes, but also adorable and snuggly and hilarious, so tolerable.

3 replies · active 90 weeks ago

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

And when they find your bodies, the headlines will also read, “SEVEN. SEVEN CATS.” When I was younger we had a friend of the family that was a sort of surrogate grandmother to me. She lived out in the woods and had 21… TWENTY ONE feral cats that lived on her property. She’d go to the back porch and cry, “BAAAAAAABIIIIIIES!” and twenty fucking one cats would come running out of the trees and bushes and get their food. One of them, named Hobbes, had deformed front paws and hopped on his back feet like a rabbit.
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lou · 90 weeks ago

Seven! Seven cats! Ah ah ah ah ah!
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PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

I have no doubts we would have 21 cats along with a pack of rescued greyhounds if we had a larger property, but we live in a 3-level townhouse, so yeah, seven is still a ridiculous number.

Luckily, my husband is a clean-freak, so no one would ever guess we had 7 cats.

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gabepuratekuta· 90 weeks ago

that cat most likely died on his lap…

Anyway, my cat–which is only about a few months old–likes to to to where we keep the cat treats and beg for one even though there aren’t any, stare outside like she’s still in heat and go near electronics like their scratching posts even after repeated warnings and sprayings

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seriously · 90 weeks ago

Why are cats such giant pieces of shit? For much the same reason babies and little kids are, they don’t know any better and are too cute to boot across the room.

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

THEY DO KNOW BETTER! THEY KNOW SO MUCH BETTER.
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Karen · 90 weeks ago

My big fat cat, Boober, is known for being an asshole. People would come to feed him if we were gone and have to face 20 lbs of pissed off cat. He even cornered someone on the stairs once and they had to fight him off with a bag of used litter.
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FuryOfFirestorm· 90 weeks ago

Looks like that pussy….

*puts on sunglasses*

…totally wrecked your dick.

YYYEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

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FuryOfFirestorm· 90 weeks ago

I like kittens, but I don’t like the fact that they grow up to be cats.

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

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lurkie · 90 weeks ago

The trouble with a kitten is that
eventually it becomes a cat.
Ogden Nash
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Tom327Cat · 90 weeks ago

Cats exist to be the purpose of squirt guns.
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UnderTheDark · 90 weeks ago

Panel 4 EXACTLY expresses how it feels to have a CatBeast pile-drive into your sensitive areas! One of my cats loves to pick up speed on the floor, launch herself directly at my internal organs, and use the accumulated ricochet force/agony to power a giant LEAP at my other cat’s face :S
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LawWren · 90 weeks ago

I am a cat person. Especially evil, asshole cats. I have one that is well over 20 lbs and she knows that she is the queen and treats us all as her servants.

Recently, while visiting a friends house, I stumbled upon her roommate’s even bigger cat and was told, “Don’t touch him, he’s the Devil.” I can’t stay away from any animals though and had to reach in and scratch his ears. He followed me around the rest of my visit and wanted pettings every chance he got.

Cats can tell a friend when they see one.

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Candace · 90 weeks ago

We used to have a completely declawed Siamese that was the sweetest cat that ever lived, sweeter even than many dogs. He loved everybody and was very affectionate.

OTOH, one of our cats we have now started out as a juvenile delinquent, and is now working on being a grouchy old man. He can be really sweet and cuddly and funny when he wants to, other times he’s out for blood. He’s like a cat version of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Our other cat is bitchy to the other pets, but very sweet to us.

Just goes to show not all cats are assholes, and most of them are not assholes all the time. They are damn entertaining, though, in any case. I laughed my a** off at the fourth frame, because cats do seem to have a talent for finding sensitive areas and stomping or clawing them.

And “Also here is the floor…” The last frame is up there with “All. All beer.” 😀

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neph sy · 90 weeks ago

I’ve owned two cats, and while they weren’t perfect, they were sweethearts who did not destroy or beg for food except near their scheduled feeding times.

Compare the contant trail of destructions by my sisters Pugs;
vomiting, defecating, and whizzing into shoes, chewing on shoes.
One pug will find any possible way to get food; he will pull tablecloths off the table, open the fridge, find his way into all kinds of garbage cans. One he got into the lazy susan cupboard and ate a bag of flour. He’s eats bars of soap and has even eaten rat poison and chocolate, and had to had his stomach pumped.

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lou · 90 weeks ago

I don’t really have a pet cat myself, but my street is the home to a cat (who’s someone else’s pet, but he roams around at will) that we call Patrol Cat. At various times of day, I’ll see him stalking the vineyard across the street from my house for varmints to eat, and sometimes I’ll catch him lounging on the sidewalk, catching some sun, and I’ll give him a belly rub. Is it wrong to just give him food from my kitchen?

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

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lou · 90 weeks ago

Oh, I almost forgot: happy birthday to the missus! And I love the new direction you’re taking the strip!
And in answer to that question about movies that described the decades they premiered from a few strips ago, I thought of another ’90’s movie: PCU. I just watched it again on VH1 of all channels, and it’s just so damn funny!
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Kylie · 90 weeks ago

My cat knows that when the alarm goes off, he gets food. He doesn’t think I move fast enough though so he starts pushing everything off the bedside table – mobiles, lamps, glasses of water. He actually hit one so hard the other day it smashed me in the face.

Little shit

1 reply · active 90 weeks ago

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PokeyPuppy · 90 weeks ago

Yeah, we have one of those, except she doesn’t wait for the alarm. Sometime between 5am & 7am is magic wake-up time, every day.
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Missmushu · 90 weeks ago

I have two cats; both of whom follow me around the house waiting for me to become stationary. The moment I sit or, gods forbid, lie down…they both perch inches from my face and stare at me like Hypno-toads. I get the distinct impression that they don’t so much love me as they are waiting for me to die so they can eat my face.

I Feel The Need

The BIGGEST MERCH SALE I HAVE EVER DONE  ENDS THIS WEEK (9/21/13)! GO NOW to the HE STORE $10 Books! $9 Shirts! 

[I’m hearing reports of unusually high shipping charges in the store. I’ve asked what the deal is but so far I have not gotten a straight answer. I PROMISE you that shipping prices will be normal when the store re-opens shortly after the blowout sale. I’m really sorry about this and I appreciate anyone that tried to support the sale, but had to abandon their cart due to crazy shipping prices.]

Hot damn if these new strips aren’t kicking my ass. I spent a day just trying to figure out how to draw Denise. Longtime HE readers may know that she’s appeared very infrequently and thus has never really had a consistent appearance. Primarily her scarceness was due to my lack of confidence with regards to drawing ladies. I am forcing myself to get better at this by writing them into the comics for essentially the first time ever. I am also taking more time on the backgrounds since I’ve realized that continuing stories will probably call for continuity in background settings. Feel free to check my math on that, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. Anyway, these new challenges have lead to my typical 4-5 hour comic process taking 8-10 hours.

Regardless of the additional time constraints I am extremely proud of the new comics and the feedback I’ve been getting is really reassuring. It’s does wonders for my enthusiasm to see people tweeting and posting jokes from my comics that are just dialog I’ve written between characters instead of my take on some Hollywood shenanigan or Doctor Whoism. There’s still a place for that in the Lo-fi comics (because I still love telling those kinds of jokes), but it’s gratifying to know I can invent something of my own and have it still be amusing to some.

COMMENTERS: What did you significant other do to make you realize that they just GET you? Or vice versa? When did you look at someone and go, “Oh, you feel that way about that thing, then our brains/hearts must have similar operating systems.”

NOTE: The Mobile Alt Text button broke when I put the big store sale banner in the site. As soon as the sale is over I will put the button back.

Have you seen my wife’s geeky jewelry creations? 

You can see her Tetris necklace below and more geeky goods in her shop! 

tetris-necklace

 

Comments (34)

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iampaul's avatar

iampaul · 91 weeks ago

Im from the Philippines
But I dont seem to get it
Sky Boners?
Please explain
Thanks

2 replies · active 91 weeks ago

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benthorp· 91 weeks ago

Top Gun has been consistently accused of being full of thinly-veiled homoerotic motifs. The joke here is that, because of this, when it’s translated into another language the thin veil is removed – it’s not necessarily Philippines specific.
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hijinksensue· 91 weeks ago

What he said. I’m glad you did this because I would rather chop off my own head with a brick than explain a joke.
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All-Purpose Guru· 91 weeks ago

I like Denise. No, I *really* like her. “My ass needs a couch, my brain needs a beer.”

2 replies · active 72 weeks ago

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Fren · 91 weeks ago

Give us six of her and worlds shall tremble.
Phil's avatar

Phil · 91 weeks ago

As a former American colony, the Philippines rarely gets alternate movie titles.

But if we did, Sky Boners would be TIGAS LANGIT. Which is awesome.

4 replies · active 91 weeks ago

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Stephanie · 91 weeks ago

Tigas Langit is a good name for the hero of an action sci fi adventure movie.
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hijinksensue· 91 weeks ago

Is that Tagalog?
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hijinksensue· 91 weeks ago

Also, please be super prepared for my vision of the Philippines and the ACTUAL Philippines to differ WILDLY.
Phil's avatar

Phil · 91 weeks ago

Yep.
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Stephanie · 91 weeks ago

For me and my hubby it was the sense of humor. My best friend stuck us in a car together for a long drive to an exhibition game against another college. I started out bummed because I actually had a crush on another guy. But then we passed some land feature named after some sort of tableware (fork pass or something) and we spent the rest of the trip naming land features after tableware. It was silly and ridiculous, but it passed the time quickly. I relentlessly pursued him after that until he finally gave in and asked me out. We’ve now been married almost 10 years and we still have the same sense of humor. I’ve discovered that his ability to make me laugh when I’m having a bad day is the single most important thing in our marriage.
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AmyLynn · 91 weeks ago

My husband is a baseball geek as well as a Browncoat and a Trekkie. We find common ground on the latter all the time. The other day I said something like “yeah, but that record is from the dead-ball era” and he just stared at me. I swear I could see Looney Tunes style hearts emanating from his head.
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Bill Murphy · 91 weeks ago

While reading the comic and before reading your blog I thought to myself…
“Oh good, he’s staying consistent with the background.” It’s something I appreciate. I like to become familiar with character’s surroundings.
I also laughed at Joel in the third panel. 😉

As for the comment question, for no reason at all, I was given a Gamorrean Guard doll.

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Paul · 91 weeks ago

Just wanted to join the chorus and say that I think this move to continuing stories is a good idea. It’ll help you stretch creative muscles you may not have used previously, and I think that focusing on and expanding a cast of regular characters will build readership and contribute to the longevity of the strip.
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Sonia · 91 weeks ago

I love both the new direction you’re going in as well as the lo-fi strips and think you are doing a fantastic job. Challenging yourself artistically is a good thing. I will keep reading as will most of my friends.
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InkBlot· 91 weeks ago

My wife told me when we were dating that she wanted me to come over and watch the NHL finals with her. I grew up playing hockey, she had only a tangential knowledge of it. She then asked me to explain it to her. I’m not sure there is anything better for a sports fan than explaining the sport to a newbie.
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HikingViking · 91 weeks ago

I’m glad I wasn’t drinking coffee when I read about Pretty Horse and Mustache Duck, or I would have spit it out. Because laughter.
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Thatman42 · 91 weeks ago

Anything you decide to do with the comic I will support. I’ve been reading it for a couple of years and have enjoyed it all.
I used to be pretty into Warhammer back when I had more time to devote to it. My fiance isn’t much of a geek but one year for Christmas she made a folding warhammer table for me. At that point I realized that even though she may not be into all the same stuff I’m into, she will at the very least support and encourage my involvement which is awesome.
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Richter · 91 weeks ago

When I rebuilt an engine over the kitchen sink
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thehappysmith· 91 weeks ago

I knew the ex and I were in trouble when we went to the Grand Canyon and she described it unironically as “just a hole in the ground.”

2 replies · active 91 weeks ago

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Huttj509 · 91 weeks ago

When my family went there, my reaction was basically “It’s pretty, a bit bigger than what I’m used to, but not as magical as the hype has it.”

Then I moved to Indiana, and realized how good scenery-wise I had it back in northern New Mexico, with the Rio Grande gorge literally in my backyard.

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Bruceski · 91 weeks ago

The main thought I remember from the Grand Canyon was at sunrise, when the shadows combined with the size of it killed my brain’s sense of scale and made it look like a cardboard diorama.
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Jon · 91 weeks ago

When my wife got me a giant book of DC comics art. I want to put it on a pedestal in the living room like some families do to bibles. In turn I gave her a pendant of Mars for her birthday. The look on her face was priceless as she is obsessed with the planet and space in general. As for the new direction I dig it. Reading this comic is like grabbing coffee with good friends.
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Neph Sy · 91 weeks ago

Having a similar sense of humor was the turning point for me. I’d been attracted to men that were funny, but most of them liked to be the center of attention, as if they were constantly on stage performing a set. Then I met someone who thought “I” was funny, would laugh at the odd things I say, and then could join in and throw back his own concoctions to get me going too. Rarely does a day go by when we’re not being silly and joking around.

And it didn’t hurt that on our first official date when I was talking about my favourite science fiction and fantasy authors (at the time) he ran into his boarding house and came out carrying their latest releases!

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Aetheling · 91 weeks ago

Pretty much as soon as I met her!
She’s an English Civil War re-enactor who specifically runs a cannon crew, she shares the same man-crushes as me, listens to dodgy eighties hair metal, and farted at me in the pub on the very first occasion we met.
After that, I knew it was only a matter of time.
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Dudeguy · 91 weeks ago

I once told my wife that sometimes, on long car trips, I imagined shooting laser beams out of my pinkie finger (since the others were occupied) and blowing up stuff on the side of the road. She looked at me like I was absolutely nuts, shook her head slowly and said “That’s stupid. Everyone knows the index is your laser finger.”
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Laura · 91 weeks ago

There have been many things with my boyfriend (like when I mentioned that after long gaming sessions, I would get in the car and be disappointed that it wasn’t my epic mount, to which he responded “Yeah, so you keep reaching for the spacebar to jump, and slowly realize you can’t just fly over the other cars…”) but the most recent have been as a result of moving into a new place together. Talking about getting art for the walls and such, he mentioned putting up giant prints of Magic: the Gathering art and I mentioned a series of DC comics based art that caught my eye. We were both thrilled with the other’s choice.

Also, although moving costs have left us strapped for cash, he told me the other day, “So the first time we ordered pizza over here, I tipped the guy really well. $10 on a $30 order. I’ve been tipping similarly well every time since then. Our delivery time has been cut in half.” Priorities, man…. priorities.

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hijinksensue· 90 weeks ago

My wife got me Pandemic for my last birthday.

We started dating when we were 18, and it wasn’t that I met her so long ago and she still “gets me.” It’s that we got each other when we were 18, then we started to grow up and mature and refine our interests and become more complex people… together. We sort of progressed at the same rate, changed in very similar ways, and through luck stayed compatible though we are both entirely different people that we were when we met.