Totally Unprovoked

In my home, I am beset on all sides but fuzzy dumbasses. Tivo, the brown and grey one, is a miserable, whiny grump whose terrified of essentially all things. He also doesn’t like to be touched below the waste. He SPECIFICALLY doesn’t like to be touched at the base of the tail. Naturally, I find great amusement in poking that spot like a sort of “whine button” whenever he’s getting on my nerves. The first few pokes elicit a whimper, the second few get an angry whine and a “why aren’t you dead yet?” glare, and with the last couple of pokes you just get blood. Just an impossibly fast, brownish-greyish swipey blur and blood.

Tivo has injured me from time to time for no reason. Either because he is terrified of a shoe, or a box, or a shoe near a box or some other harmless juxtaposition of items he assumes I have arranged just so to cause him distress. Like I said: fuzzy dumbasses. These are the injuries I get angry about. But the tail poking injuries… I really can’t get upset with the cat for these. I am specifically provoking him and walking on the goddamn razors edge. GOD, I FEEL SO ALIVE! Wait, no. I mean foolish. So bloody and foolish.

When my Patreon reaches $2000/month I’m going to release a new podcast where upon I interview my 7 years old daughter as she reads through the Harry Potter series. It’s called Potter And Daughter! More details HERE.

Replay (the white and grey fuzzied dumbness depicted above) is less likely to cause a human, even a human provocateur, actual harm. He knows how to “play bite” where as Tivo only knows “do no stop until teeth touch bone.” Where as Tivo’s fight or flight response is set so far to “fight” that the knob is broken off, Replay’s is set to “find a happy place in your mind and go there. GO THERE AND NEVER LOOK BACK!” When he wanders around the house screaming at full volume, despite having a full bowl of food, a clean litter box, no desire to go outside and every possible comfort a fuzzy dumbass could ever desire, I find myself inclined to do the one thing he hates more than anything: turning him upside down and carrying him around like a baby. When I do this, he doesn’t actually attack me. His eyes sort of gloss over and he gets this look on his face that seems to say, “If I had a secret poison filled compartment in my tooth, I would be opening it right now.” But, he does stop screaming. So score one for the humans, I guess.

Planned Obsolescence

Austin, TX Fancy Bastards: We are just over a month away from the 6th annual Dragon’s Lair Webcomics Rampage! Get details HERE.

Here are some things I have done that have caused me crippling, immobilizing back pain: putting on a shirt, taking off a shirt, standing up, sitting up in bed, drying off after a shower, washing my back, bending over, picking up a ladder, picking up a larger ladder, placing my hands on the lip of a desk and thinking about moving it, but not actually moving it. The list goes on! In the last few years, I have taken major steps towards living mostly back pain free. I never pick up anything over 30 lbs or larger than a cat. I use my arms to lift myself out of a chair or off a couch. I use a footstool at my desk. I use a higher, more comfortable chair when I draw. I put a yoga block under my elbow when I draw to keep it from drooping, and I recently got a Sleep Number bed. My sleep number is: ∞.

I say all this not to impress you with my glamorous lifestyle, but to illustrate how my particular vessel of guts is on the back half of its particular period of usefulness. Two days ago I woke up from bed (my first mistake), and went to pop my neck like I do every morning. Instead of popping, my neck bones and neck meats screamed in unison and I spent the next 48 hours unable to look this way (It doesn’t matter that you can’t see which way I’m looking. Whatever way you are imagining, I could not look THAT way). Jealous? I know that sounds pretty baller, right? Deal with it.

Regarding the dating of the recent comics: I was, until today, backdating comics published in October to September so I could fill in the gaps that I missed while away at conventions. The simple act of doing this actually caused me more delays and issues and I’ve given up on filling in those gaps for now. I’m taking the mulligan and moving on with updating in the present day. I have a neat idea for a story line involving Josh that could have run parallel to the previous “Roomba” story line. If I get it worked out, I may publish it backdated to fill in the October comic slots.

Momentum

I might have already written about this story here, but a little over a decade ago I saw a dude refuse to leave a customer service line at Walmart the day after Christmas until they agreed to refund him for a dozen or so bottles of perfume that were NOT purchased at Walmart. It was just his refusal to cooperate, listen to reason or back down in any way that eventually broke them. He went through two or three cashiers, a manager and eventually the store manager. The store manager asked him what the perfume was worth, typed a special code into the register that denoted “giving some fucking asshole $100 so he will go away” to the higher ups and was able to satisfy the “customer.”

When my Patreon reaches $2000/month I’m going to release a new podcast where upon I interview my 7 years old daughter as she reads through the Harry Potter series. It’s called Potter And Daughter! More details HERE.

I learned a few important lessons that day. The first was that Walmart does have the power to return ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. It was shortly after this that they instituted the “show us your driver’s license if you don’t have a receipt” policy, but that just means that you can only pull shenanigans a few times a year before they get suspicious. I also learned the power of stubbornness. I didn’t think it was a virtue, but it was definitely power. I mean, the guy was clearly a lying fuckhole trying to defraud the store. That much was abundantly clear. He knew what he was doing, THEY knew what he was doing and he KNEW that they knew what he was doing. Still, he stood there INSISTING that the world conform to his will. He demanded that reality reshape itself to match his desire just by standing there and repeating the same lie over and over and over. Again, I did not think this was a good thing to do, and I did not plan to incorporate this tactic into my own dealings in the future, but it was certainly educational to see how it played out and to extrapolate how this might and DOES play out all over the world every single day.

The other thing I learned is that I probably shouldn’t be too nervous about trying to return the Playstation that I ruined while attempting to solder on a mod-chip that would let me play burned games. Compared to the other guy, I might as well have been there to deliver back rubs and blowjobs for all the employees. Subsequently, I did NOT try to modify the brand new Playstation that they gave me. I learned my lesson.

I’ve Got A Secret That I’ve Been Hiding Under My Skin

Wha-wha-WHAAAAT?! Bro! Bro! You pullin’ the ol’ robot switcheroo on me, bro?! Bro! I thought we were Bros, Bro! I know you’re not presentin’ me with a false android, Bro! Is that what your tellin’ me, Bro?! ‘Cause if it is, you’re blowin’ my mind, BRO!*

*I assume this is how douchey, shithead bro-dudes will start fights with each other in the future.

When my Patreon reaches $2000/month I’m going to release a new podcast where upon I interview my 7 years old daughter as she reads through the Harry Potter series. It’s called Potter And Daughter! More details HERE.

Better The Dirt Devil You Know

COMMENTERS: You already know Eli’s. What is YOUR “mating call.” Alternately, what is the “song of your people.”

When my Patreon reaches $2000/month I’m going to release a new podcast where upon I interview my 7 years old daughter as she reads through the Harry Potter series. It’s called Potter And Daughter and it’s awesomefreakinadorableashell! More details HERE.

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Dalek earrings my wife made! They’re in her Etsy store and ready to EXTERMINATE your… lack of perfect ear jewelry?