We Are The 5%

NEWT FOR PRESIDENT!!! GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!!!

Josh IRL actually got a stern warning from AT&T that his “unlimited” data usage was approaching it’s lim… utmost boundary. I find this kind of shit infuriating. The trend among data service providers (cell, internet, tv, etc) is to give the customer a reasonable deal in exchange for a reasonable level of service UNTIL the service is widely adopted, at which point they reduce features and raise fees. I’m in a situation where I can NEVER alter my AT&T plan up or down in any direction because I am also grandfathered into unlimited data and a calling plan that was phased out years ago, and which has no comparable equivalent in terms of features/price. I guess It’s good to know that the grandfathered “unlimited” data plan I’ve been clinging onto so tenaciously is really only a “5GB or we get cranky” plan. That said, their current 5GB plan costs nearly twice what my “unlimited” plan does.

Still, I have no idea how Josh uses nearly 4GB of cell data a month. I use my phone almost constantly and I have never even reached 500mb in a month. I suspect there are secret gay data shenanigans afoot to which I am not privy.

UPDATE: Looks like Josh is not alone.
UPDATE 2: More info from Consumerist. Apparently the cap for “unlimited” is actually 2gb.

COMMENTERS: Once I needed a screencap of Superman II for photo reference on a comic that I couldn’t find online. The only person I knew with the movie was Josh, so I had him video chat with me while pointing his laptop at his TV as I took screenshots. Keep in mind this was 2007 or 2008, before we were all connected to the MotherGrid and had instant access to all information instantaneously. Have you ever constructed such a Rube Goldberg machine in a time of need?

You can now purchase a super high quality 11×17″ print of any HE comic by clicking the “Buy A Print” button between the “Previous” and “Next” buttons in the navigation menu. If you don’t see it, try refreshing your browser cache.

The Welcome Wagon

NEWT FOR PRESIDENT!!! GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!!!

There’s got to be more to it than warp drive, right? What about Mr. Clean Magic Easers? How could you consider a species for eventual admission into the United Federation of Planets if they can’t even get tough, baked on spaghetti stains off their glass top ranges? I say it breaks down like this: You want to roll with the galactic big boys? You need ten things. 1) Warp drive 2) Equality 3) Mostly functional government with short campaign periods, minimal television coverage, and strict caps on campaign donations to minimize big business influence 4) Press’N Seal Wrap 5) Magic Erasers 6) Dyson vacuums 7) Segways (Not that anyone actually uses them. We just need to see that you CAN make them.) 8) Multiroom DVR or GTFO 9) Peanut butter and jelly in the SAME jar (Same as with the Segway or a nuclear bomb. Just a proof of concept.) 10) … I don’t know. World peace or something.

COMMENTERS: What are the other necessities for initiating first contact with a new species? Should they have created, abandoned, re-created and re-abandon 3D movies? What are the hallmarks of true readiness to join the galactic society? Should they have developed a method for merging a Pizza Hut AND a Taco Bell?

Fully Functional

You’re The Last Of The Timelords, Charlie Brown

I’m not saying I fucked your washing machine. I’m just implying that in about 9 months there might be a litter of baby appliances running around your kitchen that look a lot like a cross between me and your Kenmore Elite Front Load.

I have been known to covet a gadget or two in my day. I’ve even continued those covetous feelings AFTER already owning a gadget. The experience could be described as “gadget lust,” but I have never considered actually having intercourse with my iPad. Ok, I have never actually taken practical steps toward fucking my iPad. I guess there’s a distinction that needs to be made between figuring out the mechanics of an act in your head and actually going to Home Depot to purchase materials.

Confirmed: Fleshlight Developing an iPad Case You Can Have Sex With

As panel 1 above suggests, I really think the fuckable iPad marks a significant moment in human history. We’ll likely start measuring recorded history in B.C., A.D. and A.F.i. (After Fuckable iPad). The only question is whether we will say “I can’t imagine how terrible life must have been pre-A.F.i.” or “Remember pre-A.F.i. when roving gangs of cyber-wolves didn’t patrol the streets of the burned cities in their decapitanks? Remember clean water? Remember the sun? Remember OH SHIT LOOK OUT IT’S CHIEF CYBER-WOLF, VICEROY STEELPAW!”

Maybe it won’t be all that severe. Maybe fuckable iPads will just be the next “checking email while jogging” or “texting while driving” or “breaking while entering.” Regardless, I am going to start investing in companies that sell close up videos of the tops of peoples’ heads bobbing up and down. Mark my word. It’s going to be the next Hula Hoop. You know? For kids.

COMMENTERS: Fuckable iPads: What a person does in their own home without harming or victimizing anyone else is their own business, or ruination of the species? Is it harmless fun or a slippery slope to shoving laptops up our asses? That slope would have to be PRETTY slippery.

The Fringe Candidates

You’re The Last Of The Timelords, Charlie Brown

Your foreign policy record is questionable at best, and you have yet to form a coherent theory as to where Nina Sharp’s true allegiance lies. What makes you think you can lead this country?

Sorry, non-Fringe fans. Not because you don’t get this comic, but because you aren’t enjoying the best show on TV. This will likely be Fringe’s final season (a year sooner than J.J. Abrams would like), due to it being too fantastic to be profitable. This seems to be the fate of all original, thought-provoking, well acted (extremely well acted in the case of John “Please let me curl up in your grandpa cheeks” Noble), well produced sci-fi on television. Any show that refuses to dumb down it’s intensely complicated, yet expertly executed premise in order to reach a wider audience just isn’t commercially viable on TV.

I think Fringe is the type of show you have to already be a sci-fi fan to enjoy. It asks a lot of the audience, but the average sci-fi fan is already used to accepting things like alternate dimensions, shapeshifters, techno-organic hybrid beings, and Leonard Nimoy. Each of those is probably a stumbling block for the average Joe “Is Real Housewives new tonight?” Television Viewer. J.J. Abrams has said that this season’s finale can act as a series finale if the worst happens, but that certainly won’t be ideal for the fans or the creators. I want, just for once, to know what the actual planned ending of a high concept sci-fi show was supposed to be. LOST and BSG don’t count since not even the writers themselves knew how those shows were supposed to end.

I used to think the place for shows like Fringe, Firefly, Stargate SG:U, etc was on the Internet, free of the trappings of network expectations, ratings and advertising. I wanted them to be directly accessible to the people they were made for, instead of slotted between Kitchen Yelling and Crime Cops: Topeka on Friday night. But those kinds of shows require MILLIONS of dollars per episode to maintain their level of quality. And I don’t mean 1 or 2 million. It’s more like 6 to 10. These are absurd numbers and certainly not Internet-type numbers. The worst thing about trying to independently produce and distribute sci-fi is the “sci” part and the “fi” part. The medium REQUIRES that spaceships, robots, lizard people and all other manner of imaginary things that simply do not exist and cannot be filmed unless created out of foam latex, pixels and money. So how does the BBC do it? Is it because they are publicly funded? There’s no way Doctor Who costs as much as an episode of Fringe, but the quality is there. Is there a DiY work ethic to BBC shows that the US entertainment industry simply doesn’t abide? Or is there just a wider acceptance amont the average brit for science fiction, and thus sci-fi TV stands a greater chance of reaching a mass audience over there?

COMMENTERS: I’ve asked about 100 questions in the post above. Feel free to tackle any of them. Or just post more Fringe debate questions.

UPDATE 01/25/12: You can now purchase a super high quality 11×17″ print of any HE comic by clicking the “Buy A Print” button between the “Previous” and “Next” buttons in the navigation menu. If you don’t see it, try refreshing your browser cache.

CHICAGO and CALGARY Fancy Bastards: I am coming for you! I will be at C2E2 April 13-15 and Calgary Expo April 27-29 with Blind Ferret.

Occupy Cornfield

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this “Fighting Time Lords” shirt for you!

Alternate Titles (by me and Kris Wilson): “Remember Remember November December Cucumber,” “I Ain’t No 4CHANate Son,” “4CHAN Favors The Brave,” “MegaUpsplode,” “Remember Remember Dikembe Mutombo” and “Remember Remember Dismember Friendster.”

[Context for those who need it]

I, uhh… have nothing in particular to say about Anonymous attacking the Department Of Justice’s website in the wake of the MegaUpload shutdown. At least nothing that might rouse the ire of any group of frequently masked Internet vigilantes. Validating the fears of an already confused, defensive and trigger happy US Government was probably a good and reasonable idea as far as I can tell without committing to a strong opinion one way or another. I bet everything surrounding this situation is just going to get exponentially better forever (PLEASE DON’T WISH ME INTO THE CORNFIELD PLEASE DON’T WISH ME INTO THE CORNFIELD PLEASE DON’T WISH ME INTO THE CORNFIELD).

COMMENTERS: Hey, talk about what ever you like knowing that I neither endorse or refute any claims you may make, express or otherwise imply regarding the alleged actions of any online hacker organizations.