Chapters: HijiNKS ENSUE Classic

It Puts The Black Mock Turtleneck On Its Skin

Sorry. I watched “Hannibal” last weekend. Hannibal Lecter is my favorite fictional villain of all time. I’ve always said, “If I have to be murdered and eaten, I want Hannibal Lecter to be the one to do it.” You know why? One word. Class.

Not only is Steve Jobs NOT giving the keynote speech at Macworld 2009, but Apple says it’s the last one they’re ever going to attend. That’s like not showing up to your birthday party, but hoping all our friends will still have a good time.

If this is the last hurrah of old Steve, I really don’t see Apple being the same company without him. He’s not God (he’s Jesus), but he IS the driving egomanaiacal force behind their success in the last decade. They should download his brain into an OS X sever and allow his essence to live on forever in the Pixar film of his choice. I say “Wall-E.” He can be Messiah to all the fat lazy humans and guide them in rebuilding Earth. He’ll rule with a Brushed aluminum fist… until they come out with a shiny black plastic fist… and then a better unibody brushed aluminum fist cut from a solid block of… he’ll be getting a new hand every six months.

99 Lives And A Bitch Ain’t One

If you outta’ mans, I feel bad for you son.

Yes, I know “99 Lives” is more of a Mario thing, or a Contra 4 DS glitch thing, and the Konami Code only gave you 30 lives in Contra, but I couldn’t resist. My lyrical flow mustn’t be stifled.

I love the idea of an NES pad powered security system that can only be cracked by geeks or nerds. I wouldn’t consider it all that secure, since there are hojillions of us out there, but the idea is pleasing all the same. Maybe you could just have a box full of awesome free candy in your dorm room, and the only way to open it was to divide X-Men action figures into the Gold and Blue teams, or type in at least 3 aliases for Aragorn.

Let’s hear your ideas for “Geek/Nerd locks” in the comments. Some of your fellow Fancy Bastards have already weighed in on the FB Forum.

It should also be noted that the sign on Josh’s apartment door usually reads “Delivery Boys Come in the Back Door.“

La Menace Fantôme

I don’t have much to say about the apparent coup d’état taking place in the Candian government right now. I only know what The Daily Show has told me. I honestly had no idea the Queen of England actually held any real power over Canada, but as soon as I heard the words, “vote of no confidence” I had an Episode 1 flashback. That phrase will forever ring out in my mind in Natalie Portman’s faux-regal tones. I just can’t decide if Prime Minister Stephen Harper is Chancellor Velorum, Palpatine or a combination of both. Does that mean the Queen is Darth Plagueis?

I know there are Fancy Bastards in Canada. Please fill us Americans in on what the hell exactly is going on up there. You know how fucked up our government is. We always though you guys were pretty stable.

UPDATE:

FFB (Female Fancy Bastard) Rhiannon points us to this summary of exactly WTF is going on in Canada (on a knitting blog of all places).

Thanks to all the CFB’s (Canadian… you get the idea) that posted their take on the turmoil in the comments. International politics is so interesting. Someone should make three incredibly boring space based movie prequels about such subject matter. Call it “The Space Congress Prequel Trilogy!!!” and broadcast it live on CSPAN at 4am.

Keanuaatu

Alternate solution: find out if they are allergic to water or susceptible to germs. Chances are, dirt makes their brains catch fire. Invading alien hordes never seem to the do the research required to properly choose a planet to target.

The trailers for “The Day The Earth Stood Still” certainly give the impression that humanity is doomed due to our shoddy treatment of the earth. It’s safe to say we aren’t getting our security deposit back.

“We didn’t melt those ice caps! They were totally melted when we moved in. It must have been the last tenant. Go find the fucking dinosaurs and ask them what they did to the ice caps. They probably breathed fire all over them. I’m calling the Better Business Bureau and telling all my friends to stay away from your shitty planet!”

I’m sure our cries of “But I drive a Prius!” will fall on deaf alien ears, assuming they have ears and not just cycloptic laser beam eyes.

I’m not a big fan of Kenaanaeux Reeves but I can certainly buy him as an emotionless, wooden alien who’s uncomfortable occupying a human body. I doubt the director ever had to shout, “EMOTE LESS, KEANU!” It just comes naturally to him. Though I do imagine the director got tired of screaming, “ALIENS DON’T SAY “WHOAH,” KEANU!” Regardless, I am looking forward to this movie due to my natural geeky thirst for all things scifi. I hope it’s well executed and entertaining because as sweet as good scifi tastes, bad scifi is like… something that tastes really bad. Like a bad pecan. Have you ever had a bad pecan? You’re happily plowing through a bag of pecans and they are all nutty and awesome and then you bite into a bad one. It’s like drywall, turpentine and pee. That’s what bad scifi is like.

UPDATE:

I was starting to get worried that this comic was totally off base and the new movie wasn’t actually about the environment as I had gathered. Luckily, some quick Googling seems to assuage my fears:

I should do this research BEFORE i start drawing.