The Red Reading

Monday June 3rd was my birthday! I am 32 years old and STILL aging! If you want to say “HAPPY FANCY BIRTHDAY!” might I suggest sharing HE with your friends via your link medium of choice? Might I also point you to my Amazon Wishlist and my donation page? CELEBRATE ME FOREVER!!!

I’m really hoping George R.R. Martin’s A Game Of Thrones inspired coffee table book is just page after glossy page of arterial blood spray.

!!!SPOILERS FOR THE CURRENT SEASON OF GAME OF THRONES IN THE COMMENTS!!!

!!!PLEASE NO SPOILERS FOR THE BOOKS/SHOW BEYOND THE RED WEDDING!!!

COMMENTERS: So how about that Red Wedding? Yeesh.

Comments (34)

Wesley· 104 weeks ago

Happy Belated Birthday Old Man!
I say that as you are only one day older than I. 🙂

@RHaseman· 104 weeks ago

I’d had it mildly spoiled for me in that I’d heard the phrase “Red Wedding” and any mention of Catelyn Stark being annoying was greeted with knowing winks and “…not for much longer” nods, and then my fears for Rob’s life were pretty much shot all to hell when the Red Witch dropped his name into that leech-fire…BUT HOLY SHIT-BALLS OF BLOOD AND BABYGUTS! WATCHING THAT MASSACRE WAS SHOCKING ON A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL!HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO WATCH EDDARDS DIE!?

My only hope is that this somehow confirms that we get to see Balon Greyjoy and more importantly King Joffrey get the same sort of brutal life-ending treatment ASAP, one “false king” down, two to go

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Michael Corley· 103 weeks ago

Shit balls just about covers my reaction 🙂

thevoxpopuli· 104 weeks ago

Deinse is back!! I’m happy to see her again.

Mike· 104 weeks ago

As someone who read all 5 books the second season 1 was over, watching the reaction to The Red Wedding has been great. It’s been horrible KNOWING this was coming and hearing everyone go on and on about what a great show Game of Thrones is. Yes it’s a great show, but dayum if anybody can die at any time. All the “OMG THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE” fans forgot that fact.

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@CozworthGrind· 103 weeks ago

yeah, but for me, it was the red wedding that really brought home, anyone can die at anytime for any reason

Bemmie· 104 weeks ago

I Had a horrible nightmare where Serenity was being renewed with Whedon directing, but it was being written by George RR Martin…Yay i’m getting my favourite characters back and oh god oh god they’re all going to die!

Candace· 104 weeks ago

Awesome! I think it’s been a while since we’ve gotten to see any HE arterial blood spray. I sort of miss that sometimes about the older HE comics, when the characters would die horribly in gouts of arterial blood spray, then be back alive and OK the next comic, kind of like a Looney Tunes cartoon, except bloodier. I realize doing that now would spoil the continuity, and I do enjoy the continuity, so glad you found a way to work in some glorious blood spray without breaking continuity. :-)Of course, it’s hard to top the climax of the artpocalyse, in which everyone was bathing in oceans of blood. That was beautiful.

@muinamir· 104 weeks ago

I think the funniest thing besides watching my Twitter feed asplode was finding out that my upstairs neighbors watch Game of Thrones because I heard their screaming and ranting at the end of the hour.

kingofmadcows· 104 weeks ago

It was not the worst atrocity of the Boltons. We must never forget the crimes of Lord Michael of House Bolton. His blasphemous hymns have wrought much pain.Also, you know nothing, show watchers.

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UnitedShoes37· 103 weeks ago

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lu3tcpORu31r5it…
Fear not. I will drive out the usurper and reclaim my ancestral seat and all will be right with the world.

Jason· 104 weeks ago

I’ve read all of the books and I thought that I would be prepared for this episode. Honestly, it just made it worse. I was starting to worry in the episode when Robb first planned to attack Casterly Rock. I just knew it was coming but it was still a little surprising. Robb’s wife is completely different and not pregnant in the books, so the baby maiming was just as shocking to me as it was to people experiencing the Red Wedding for the first time.

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Paul· 104 weeks ago

Robb’s wife is pregnant in the books, but holed up at Riverrun with the Blackfish, and she’s Jayne Westerling, not some foreigner from across the Narrow Sea.

Jason· 103 weeks ago

Ahh. Ok. Thanks for that correction. I forgot she was pregnant.

aprilinautumn· 103 weeks ago

She’s not pregnant. Or not anymore. Someone stuffed her full of moon tea to fix any possible “problems” she might be harboring.

Jason· 104 weeks ago

Spoilers for the finale!!!!!
Picard is captured and assimilated by the Borg, and the episode ends with Riker firing on the Borg Cube that has Locutus on it. Cliffhanger!

90percentgeek· 104 weeks ago

I honestly didn’t see it coming! I’m avoided reading the books until after the show is finished as it’s one series I hadn’t got round to reading before they chose to adapt it for TV. I heard some muttering about ‘The Red Wedding’ and at first I thought it was going to be the Red Lady marrying someone. Only when they were all in the drinking hall and all the women rushed out of the room did I suddenly recall that old viking tradition of inviting your enemy to a feast, getting him drunk, and then charging in and killing him and all his men. At which point I suddenly couldn’t believe that Rob would be so stupid as to go into the situation without guards or without at least noticing the potential for danger!
My only consolation now is that potentially something truly horrible will happen to Joffrey!

2 replies · active 103 weeks ago

robgonzo· 104 weeks ago

The series doesn’t play up enough the idea of ‘guest right’ that the book does. Catelyn warns Robb to make sure Frey shares “bread and salt” i.e. refreshments with them as soon as they arrive because then the Sacred Law of Hospitality is in place and he can’t hurt them. It’s just not done in Westeros.

UnitedShoes37· 103 weeks ago

Also, they didn’t play up that Robb had guards, not that it did him any good (seriously, I just reread that chapter a few days ago. Cat mentions being so relieved that he brought two of his most trusted knights, kept them sober, and kept them fairly close to his seat. Can’t remember what happens to them after the carnage begins though)

Dave Kinsella· 104 weeks ago

I actually thought that it was much less grisly than the book. The slaughter of all the Stark soldiers, hundreds of bodies floating down the river and most of all the chapter ends with you thinking that Arya is dead too.Looking back, I had a similar reaction to some of the fans watching the TV show though I kept it to myself; as is required by law for English gents such as myself.

@CX316· 104 weeks ago

I kinda saw it as a cheap imitation of the book’s scene, much like the Blackwater. Basically it was still good for TV, but everything was massively scaled down (the room was like 1/8th the size of the dining hall in the book, much less people, much less action, no one trying to save Robb when he got shot, the soldiers outside being murdered one at a time for some stupid reason instead of being killed en masse with little effort, Ghost not putting up a fight, etc.Basically the only thing that it did to up the impact from the book was having the in utero shanking happen.Apparently when he wrote the books, Martin got to the wedding knowing what was going to happen because of the story plan, couldn’t bring himself to write the chapter, skipped to the aftermath and wrote that up to the end of the book THEN went back and wrote the wedding because he didn’t want to see these characters he was attached to die

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Mitch H.· 104 weeks ago

I’m not watching the show now – I have the DVDs ordered – but the TV Blackwater was about as over-the-top as they possibly could have staged, given the realities of their budget. Well, that, and the fact that the battle occurred mostly at night – you can’t get Jackson-scaled CGI overkill when it’s all torchlight and magic explosions – “Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.” The first season’s “battles” were so laughably non-existent that I honestly didn’t expect what we *did* get in the second season.

@CX316· 103 weeks ago

The setup for the battle was completely changed to remove the need for the army in the background, the fleet was about 1/10th the size of the one in the book on both sides, they didn’t use the chain, etc etc. At least their scaling-down issues are getting better… Remember the royal hunt in season 1? That was a joke.

Lfreeze· 104 weeks ago

Greywind, not Ghost.

@CX316· 103 weeks ago

Shit, how did I do that?

jasomenaso· 104 weeks ago

GOT is making Walking Dead look like sesame street!

Jonathan H.· 104 weeks ago

Was my birthday as well, and I also turned 32. Glad you’re still with us making people laugh 🙂

scarlettb· 104 weeks ago

My mother’s reaction when I asked her what she thought, “The CGI department has really mastered the throat-slitting effect.”

robgonzo· 104 weeks ago

If anyone wants to see how it goes down in the Books they should check out the Wiki of Ice and Fire. http://awoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/Red_Wedding

tl;dr· 103 weeks ago

I’ve watched the Game of Thrones and I have learned how it is played
I’ve seen characters rise and fall through dragons, plots, and blades
But underused the most powerful weapon still remains:
The rampant male organ of the one called Podrick Payne!Poor Ned “the Eddard” Stark thought his honor would see him through
But his attempt at Cersi-mercy merely got him screwed
Yet, would his sense of honor have left him feeling constrained
If he’d had just one night of beastly lust with Podrick Payne?Cersi and Jaime’s love broke Brandon’s back to stay hidden
And now the kingdoms are at war since these lovebirds are kin
But would their incest-driven urges still bear this war’s blame
If both these Lannisters rode, not horses, but Podrick Payne?

Theon Greyjoy was sent as ward (hostage) to Winterfell
Quoth dad: “You’ve forgot your kin!”, so he screwed the Starks as well
Yet, I propose he would have dropped the slight of kin long-slain
If his kraken got a smackin’ from the snake of Podrick Payne

King Joeffrey is a tosser-douche of the highest degree
An inbred piece of slime and filth scraped off a demon’s knee
Yet, would he . . . no, forget it, such a pairing I’ll refrain
He can’t deserve to be pleasured by Podrick fucking Payne!

The White Walkers, those buggers, killed another Stark (Benjen)
But whiney Jon Snow can’t kill them back sans obsidian
Sam DID stab one wight from behind, but still the point remains
What if he’d been stabbed in THE behind . . . by Podrick Payne?

And now we come to the events of this past Sunday’s eve
The Red Wedding (Bolton and Frey!!!) had left us all to grieve
But Walder and Roose might have relented had it been arranged
That, instead of Edmure, Robb had brought them Podrick Payne

There are characters still alive that leave us still with grins
Arya (she’s Batman!), Tyrion, Daenerys plus dragons
But all their tribulations could have been dodged and restrained
If all of Westeros had but a taste of Podrick Payne .

DuckAmuck· 103 weeks ago

Again, I say “I think it’s awesome that Arya gets to play Eddie Furlong with her own pet Terminator.”

AdinfinitumSpero· 103 weeks ago

I don’t think that table book was as realistic as advertised , I didn’t see any white stains

Tentaculr.

Today, Monday June 3rd is my birthday! I am 32 years older than some dumb baby that was just born today. SUCK ON THAT, BABY! I can drive and rent a car and get car insurance and… do other stuff that involves cars. If you want to say “HAPPY FANCY BIRTHDAY!” might I suggest sharing HE with your friends via your link medium of choice? Might I also point you to my Amazon Wishlist and my donation page? I might? Well, good then. I just did. CELEBRATE ME FOREVER!!!

Lar made this for my birthday because he loves me… and also he might hate me… and you… and people with eyes.

Yahoo buying Tumblr is like Napster buying Spotify. Or did Napter eventually become Spotify? After the 4th or 5th sell off and rebranding I kind of lost track. I know for a while it was a brand of pocket internet radios and vacuum sealers to keep deli meats and cheeses fresh.

It’s weird to watch a company with no real relevance or identity struggle to recapture some perceived essential usefulness in the mind of the online public that they lost a decade ago. I say it’s weird because any other company that didn’t survive the DotCom bubble and come out with billions would just disappear into total obscurity. Yahoo somehow persists, buying things people like, ruining them then wondering why we move to a different table when they sit next to us at lunch.

COMMENTERS: Are you worried Yahoo is going to ruin Tumblr? Do you care? Haven’t Tumblr users been doing a pretty good job of ruining Tumblr by themselves? Has any site, service or brand you’ve loved gotten better after a buyout?

Comments (34)

@BenMS· 104 weeks ago

The thing Josh is putting vodka and chocolate sauce on – is it mac’n’cheese? It looks amazing.

On topic, Yahoo buying Tumblr is basically going to have to result in the significant watering down of Tumblr. I can’t remember where I read this, but I’ll quote: “A significant minority of Tumblr is soft-core porn, and at least a single-digit percentage of it is hardcore porn.” Yahoo won’t be able to square that away with its shareholders easily.

8 replies · active 104 weeks ago

Candace· 104 weeks ago

It looks like it might be Fritos to me. There is a long, proud tradition of putting stuff on Fritos and making something even more awesome than just plain Fritos. 😉

hijinksensue· 104 weeks ago

It’s definitely mac n’ cheese.

Tom327Cat· 104 weeks ago

No it’s not, It is Mac and Cheese and Chocolate and Vodka. Seriously Joel, you need to keep up, after all, you are writing the darn thing.

@lzyglutenfremom· 104 weeks ago

why doesn’t he just buy the store brand chocolate vodka mac and cheese?? it’s so much easier, and comes in bulk packages…

Tom327Cat· 104 weeks ago

Go with the name brands on that, You will always be disappointed buying the Kroger or Safeway stuff.
Ugh, don’t even get me started on Kirkland’s Best Mac n’ Choc n’ Vod ‘n Cheese.

Sam· 104 weeks ago

Yahoo has shareholders? huh. Who knew.

@JBSiegelMD· 104 weeks ago

Joel….Joel…Joel… You know that Josh and chocolate-anything don’t go together…. Peanut butter and vodka would be a Josh-winning combo though…. IRL Josh ordered the Frito Bandito chili and frito burger at Twisted Root last weekend and had them add peanut butter… I kind of threw up a little 🙂

hijinksensue· 104 weeks ago

I thought about being true to reality, but I decided comic Josh, like every other regular human, likes chocolate.

James· 104 weeks ago

The good about Yahoo buying Tumblr: One less site with a poorly chosen name I have to worry about not caring about.

The bad about Yahoo buying Tumblr: I forgot.

Will Tumblr survive? Not if Yahoo tries to put their login page in front of it… Seriously.. who coded that thing? It wasn’t a code monkey (*sings* maybe manager wanna write god damn login page himself)… it’s the only page I’ve ever been to on my phone that seems to be intentionally written to be completely useless from a mobile device.

@JustinHoskie· 104 weeks ago

No, I’m not worried about it at all. If I’m correct, and I believe I am, the reason the buy-out happened in the first place is because the site was starting to cost too much to run, and it was either sell it to someone and have them worry about the bills, or just shut it down.

As it stands now, Yahoo has agreed to let Tumblr run as an independent company and not mess with it; the terms and conditions aren’t changing, and there isn’t gonna be a major shake-up in terms of who runs it.

Tumblr is gonna be fine. It has too much fan-girling, pizza, and smut not to be.

Candace· 104 weeks ago

I think Chipotle got better after McDonald’s spun them off.

thevoxpopuli· 104 weeks ago

I know it’s not the point of the comic but the slightly out of focus Josh in the background of panel two is amazeaballs. I love little art things like this.

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hijinksensue· 104 weeks ago

Hey thanks! I try to make it interesting to look at.

Junkyard· 104 weeks ago

Hah, this is fantastic! My first genuine laugh-out-loud moment from a webcomic in a while. 🙂

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hijinksensue· 104 weeks ago

Thanks!

@ShayneF· 104 weeks ago

“It was four things. Trust me.” I’m gonna be chuckling all damn day.

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hijinksensue· 104 weeks ago

I was happy with that line too.

Bill Murphy· 104 weeks ago

I’ve never used Tumblr, but hearing that they are in trouble makes me glad I didn’t focus any time on it.

Sam· 104 weeks ago

“Yahoo somehow persists, buying things people like, ruining them then wondering why we move to a different table when they sit next to us at lunch.”

That. is. Gold.

Happy Birthday Joel.

2 replies · active 104 weeks ago

lou· 104 weeks ago

Who else did they buy?

hijinksensue· 104 weeks ago

Most notedly flickr.

@bucknam· 104 weeks ago

Yahoo! is just buying anything with a missing vowel in it, since it has a surfeit of them in its name. This way Flickr can become Flickyr and Tumblr can become Tumbloor, leaving Yahoo! a somewhat smaller but still somewhat pronounceable Ah!

Snag· 104 weeks ago

Tumblr was ruined the moment it went live.

Kryss LaBryn· 104 weeks ago

Gotten better after a buy-out? Not that I’m aware of. Gotten worse? Yeah, a buy-out ruined my perfect job.

It was well-paid, and got me in amazing shape; I really liked it. But then it got bought out by a huge American, and very litigation-conscious, firm, and went straight to hell. Suddenly we all had to wear hard hats and steel toed boots, even in the parking lot, and all the middle management guys who had been fairly relaxed beforehand suddenly were (legitimately) in fear of their jobs and cracked down on us like a tonne of bricks.

This in a place where the equivalent rules beforehand went “No open-toed shoes out on the floor.” And pants, while encouraged, seemed to be pretty optional.

Yeah, I kind of hate buy-outs. Also, Cargill sucks.

Daniel J. Hogan· 104 weeks ago

It didn’t bother me when Yahoo! bought Tumblr, as I only causally use it to begin with. I am interested to see what happens though.

Ryan· 104 weeks ago

I think you meant ensure instead of insure in the third panel.

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hijinksensue· 104 weeks ago

yikes.

Sam· 104 weeks ago

It’s technical, so probably most folks won’t understand it, but yeah… most of my career I’ve worked with ColdFusion. It was created by Allaire Corp which was later bought by Macromedia, who made it a whole lot better and then Macromedia was bought by Adobe who also made it a whole lot better. Each company in turn was larger and more popular than the one before and each company in turn did real well by the product.

lou· 104 weeks ago

I’m not a tumblr user or visit it very often, so I don’t have a strong opinion one way or the other (I sound like I’m from the Neutral planet from Futurama). As for a service getting better after a buyout, did youtube get better or worse after Google bought them? But troubles with cartoons aside, Disney buying Marvel really didn’t change much. They kept on like they been doing since before.

Oh, and happy birthday, Joel!

Siirenias· 104 weeks ago

I…never really understood what Tumblr is. I don’t get it, and I shrug non-commitally, as if someone asked me about football or something.

Chipotle unsold-out. I think that’s the closest thing I can think of. Some years ago, McDonalds went through a process of tidying up, selling stocks that they did not want. So, Chipotle, who sold their stock in order to fund them in the beginning, had the golden opportunity of purging that stain upon their reputation. They seized that opportunity, and bought back that stock. Years later…soft corn tortillas and lime cilantro lime rice.

Things are looking up.

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Siirenias· 104 weeks ago

*lime cilantro BROWN rice.

Liam· 104 weeks ago

I don’t even know what Tumbler is.

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emperorbailey· 97 weeks ago

It’s what you put rocks in to polish them.

Phoenix Comicon 2013 Fancy Sketches Part 2

Go to my store. I promise there is something there you will enjoy owning. In turn, I will enjoy owning your money.

Hey hey! It’s part 2 in my 2 part series of 2 sets of Fancy Sketches from 1 Phoenix Comicon! This set indirectly stars my friend John Scalzi, who is known for his best selling sci-fi novels, his love of churros and his crippling addiction to Coke Zero. I defaced his booth sign along with some other dudes for reasons.

He made this face when he saw it.

COMMENTERS: Your favorite author has just become a giant robot. Who is it, are they good or evil and (regardless) do they fight Godzilla?

Comments (31)

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Carl· 107 weeks ago

Cool art. 🙂 Wish I could have hit Phoenix.

oh, and FYI. Your site seems to have weird pop-up boxes that glide across the screen, and block your artwork. You may want to punch one of your ad-servers.

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Titmouse · 107 weeks ago

George R.R. Martin…. so hes pretty evil and just kills everone you love just as you really start to think everything is going to be fine!!

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Nakari · 107 weeks ago

H.P Lovecraft.

He’d probably be evil by modern standards. He would fight Godzilla, after taking down the Dutch. Man really hated the Dutch.

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Teri · 107 weeks ago

Philip k Dick ‘bot would probably be good, and he’d eventually figure out that Godzilla is a robot. Then he and Jasper Ffordebot will open a portal into the Southland Tales universe.

The Mark Z Danielewskidroid would be the Tardis.

What would Kafkabot be like?

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1 reply · active 107 weeks ago

zathael · 107 weeks ago

An enormous cockroach, obviously

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Jeremy Thomas· 107 weeks ago

Neil Gaiman. He is (obviously) good and he would clearly not directly fight Godzilla, but rather dazzle him with a cunning plan that would involve something absolutely brilliant.

Also, Wreck-It Doctor and Amy von Schweetz may be my favorite of your Fancy Sketches ever. Or possibly any drawing of all time.

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1 reply · active 107 weeks ago

hijinksensue· 107 weeks ago

Hey thanks! That was the sketch-requesters idea, but I thought it came out pretty great. Actually the Amy was my idea, but hey whatever.

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deadrobot· 107 weeks ago

Asimov! And it would kill outside those pesky laws!

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Leshka · 107 weeks ago

Stephen King would spend 200 pages describing the path that Godzilla took to get to the city (complete with witty banter in it’s head,) then another 100 pages detailing the struggle between good and evil that robot King has to face. And then, because King is bad(ass,) he would team up with Godzilla and oh, so deliciously plunder the countryside, dedicating a good 50 or so pages to the raping of the women.

Yeah, I’m re-reading The Stand and it may be giving me a bias 🙂

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Stephen · 107 weeks ago

Patrick Rothfuss. He would have a beard of writhing cables that would subdue all those who stand against him. He would be good, but misunderstood (probably because of the tentacle similarity to Davey Jones in the Pirate movies). He would fight Godzilla simply because any giant robot worth his salt would, but they would come to an understanding and Godzilla would agree to get a RoboBeer (just oil mostly) with him and teach him the names of all things.

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@joescreenwriter · 107 weeks ago

Robert JordanBot would be both good and evil, as life is a robotic wheel and neither good nor evil can exist, one without the other. He would then spend nearly 20 years creating the greatest, um, fight with Godzilla unitl his untimely ascencion to the stars. This would leave a much inferior SandersonBot to muddle through to the final battle, where all of the greatness of JordonBot would be undone in short order.

Totally not bitter.

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tomspeelman· 107 weeks ago

Neil Gaiman. Good. And yes. He takes him down through deploying the powers of whimsey to turn Godzilla into a churro-eating, barbeque-providing friendly dinosaur.

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Grimslade · 107 weeks ago

Bran-don Sanderzon would differentiate his robot abilities depending on what fuel it consumed. It would be completely devoid of morality. Good, evil, are judgements by others. The death of Godzilla is only the beginning of the liberation of Monster Island.
I agree that Patrick Borgfuss would wield an electro beard mas grande, making Cthulhu jealous of his facial tentaclular superiority. He would fight Godzilla, but only to subdue him and help him end world hunger.

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@DenaghDesign · 107 weeks ago

Super Mecha William Gibson can transform into an antique wristwatch. As such, he wouldn’t be able to put up a fight against Godzilla.

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zathael · 107 weeks ago

ALL SHALL FEAR THE GEORGE RR MART-TRON!!

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Zach S · 107 weeks ago

Michael Crichton’s family, following the protocol he set out long before his death, reconstitutes his DNA into a artificially supported neural structure his son has spent the last 15 years constructing. At long, long last, he arises, stares at Godzilla and immediately starts postulating scientific reasons how Godzilla came about. After spending a number of hours intrinsically searching to find what really differentiates human nature from that of Godzilla, he realizes that Godzilla isn’t a force of nature, but a result of human nature. He resigns to the fact that Humanity will only destroy itself as he snaps Tokyo Tower in two and takes his place in the natural order.

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Andy · 107 weeks ago

Well you already did Scalzi perfectly. Joe Abecrombe would be an evil robot, covered in spikes and all dark metal. He would join Godzilla in trashing Tokyo. Richard K Morgan would start out not caring but eventually fight Godzilla because it benefited him.

David Brin, Vernor Vinge, Myke Cole would all be good robots. George Martin, Orson Scott Card and Stephen Erikson would all be evil.

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Nick H · 107 weeks ago

Raybot Chandler wakes from his cybernetic slumber and potters around the office, struggling with his programming. The coders wrote an ordered sense of right and wrong but something was off in the assembly. His circuits are corroded by a steady stream of brown liquors and he goes through the motions but can’t seem to muster up the respect for civic authority he should have. The Dame, Pneumattie, crashes through the dingy glass and asks for the third time if he’ll reconfigure her to forget that no good husbot. Problem is, Raybot’s already taken husbot’s dough and can’t bring himself to care which of the two has more corrupt data.

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Kathy J. · 107 weeks ago

Terry Pratchett would be a good guy, ambling along in his thin soled ancient footwear shaking hands with giant doorknobs, and when he meets Godzilla he hires him for the Ankh-Morpork city watch.

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1 reply · active 106 weeks ago

geekygirluk· 106 weeks ago

Godzilla turns out to be particularly good at apprehending deliquent dragons. 🙂 Thanks for saying Pratchett! <3 <3 <3

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@CurtMcD · 107 weeks ago

I was going to do a Terry Pratchett one but Kathy J. nailed it.
Alternatively, Spider-Bot Robinson would be a totally benign time-travelling, telepathic super borg who would probably just get Godzilla baked out of his tree and then they would have a super awesome jam session with ‘zilla on percussion.

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Candace · 107 weeks ago

Steven Brust would at first appear to be an evil giant robot, but ultimately turn out to be moderately good in the end. He would not fight Godzilla, but might convince him to jam with Brust’s giant robot band, which might result in the ultimate destruction, entertainment, and/or terrification of all within earshot.

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Ali · 107 weeks ago

Neil Gaiman. Neutral. He wouldn’t fight Godzilla directly, but he’d get him to stop rampaging…by teaching him about subtlety, thus leading to much more disturbing and nightmare-inducing terrorizing of Tokyo. (I mean did you SEE Nightmare in Silver?!)

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Richard · 107 weeks ago

Margaret Weis. She would probably fight Godzilla hut since she wrote all the stories about Draconians from the Dragonlance series, she’d know his reptilian weak spots and send him packing back to the ocean! he would return in the sequel to marry her so they could have Godzilla Jr and her understanding of draconians would make her the best reptile monster mom ever!

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Bryce · 107 weeks ago

Good, bad, everybody fights Godzilla. If you don’t fight Godzilla what’s the point of being a giant robot? What are you going to do, fight second string knock-offs from Sentai shows? Aliens with odd biblical themes that may actually be your mother? Other giant robots from series that are so commingled you don’t know who’s ripping who off when one turns into a jet?

No, screw that. Fight Godzilla, then you can worry about what else you do.

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Tom · 107 weeks ago

David Weber, and he’s good until someone lets him cross genres and mix science fiction with fantasy.

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skoby · 106 weeks ago

Ive got a bad feeling that George RR Martin would trap siblings and force them to do stuff. I think he would kill godzilla eventually but only after godzilla kills everyone you care about.

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DuckAmuck · 106 weeks ago

Douglas Addams, back from the dead as a robot?
I don’t think so much “good” or “evil” as perhaps indifferent, apathetic and possibly depressed. Unless he can telepathically send out radio shows.
But then he’d watch the HHGG movie, and the depression would set in again.

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1 reply · active 100 weeks ago

emperorbailey· 100 weeks ago

Aww, misspelling your favorite author’s name? That’s not right.
I hope that was your phone’s autocorrect.

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@writebastard · 106 weeks ago

My favorite author was actually made into a robot–no, really–but they left it on a plane and it hasn’t been seen since. So he was apparently defeated by an overhead luggage compartment door.

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Chaucer59 · 102 weeks ago

MechaHarlanEllison fights Godzilla, melting flesh from the giant assembly of lizard bones with a spew of acid from his mouth and then defaces Gojira’s memory by reassembling the bones into a giant penis sculpture.

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Phun In The Sun

My Ewok Stare shirts are only $15 while they last!

Guys, Phoenix is phucking hot. It’s just a phact. Phoenix is hotter than Texas. Another phact. That ANYWHERE ON EARTH can be hotter than Texas and still sustain life is a testament to the tenacity of the human spirit with regards to defying nature and common sense to colonize a sweltering, lifeless desert. Between the heat and the escalating racism, it’s like Phoenix is trying to bite Texas’s whole style.

The ONLY embellishment in this comic is that Phoenix doesn’t have any birds because they all died. Also, David didn’t quite die. He wanted to, but I wouldn’t allow it. I needed him to help me take our booth apart after the convention.

COMMENTERS: What is the MOST BRUTAL heat you’ve ever been in? For me it was probably in highschool during marching band practice. We’d lose two weeks of summer vacation to prance around on asphalt in 105 degree weather at 98% humidity with zero shade and zero places to sit down that weren’t capable of producing 3rd degree burns. Add to that holding 15 pounds of brass in your hands and forcefully expelling all of your superheated oxygen through a tube, and it makes for a pretty abismal experience.

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Liam · 107 weeks ago

The humidity in the South is terrible. It is all moisture and as soon as you step outside you can feel it.

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1 reply · active 107 weeks ago

The Unknown FB · 107 weeks ago

Agree with that. I exchanged Ohio-class lake effect snow and the two seasons of the year (Winter/Construction) for 108 degree summers with enough humidity to make we want to move to Phoenix just so I wouldn’t have to deal with sweat in hot weather.

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jujyfruit0· 107 weeks ago

I’ve lived in the PNW my whole life, so I’m basically part salamander. Which means I’m uncomfortable in any temperatures above 80 and any humidity lower than 90%. That said, I find heat ANYWHERE but hear to be bearable, because y’all are prepared for it. AC abounds, so its easy to get away from.

I once had a job canvassing in PDX, in 95 degree heat, during THE hottest part of the day, and I literally couldn’t carry enough water with me to keep from passing out. At one point I think I stopped asking for donations & just asked if I could lie in peoples sprinklers.

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Devin Noel · 107 weeks ago

Kuwait 110-120 F. Antiperspirant was useless, deodorant only slightly less so.

The best was the sandstorms. You are soaked in sweat about 4 steps from the door, then the blowing sand & stuff turns the sweat to mud the some concrete like substance.

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@joescreenwriter · 107 weeks ago

Well, on my first day in Las Vegas in 2005, it was 127 degrees. That was the most brutal dry heat I’ve ever experienced. And for the record, 100 or more is hot…wet, dry or frozen!__Also, I too suffered the death march of summer band camp. However, the worst bandisaster was during a band trip to Florida and the Bahamas–marching on the big island, 105 and 90% humidity (and I was also carrying all the brass…damned susaphone!). We had people dropping with sunstroke, dehydration and I’m pretty sure a few just gave up and died. __Heat is bad.

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1 reply · active 107 weeks ago

StephC · 107 weeks ago

I know the feeling. I’m from WNY, and our biggest band season is field band in the Fall when it regularly snows later in the season. That being said, our jackets were dark navy and weighed about 7 lbs so we wouldn’t freeze. We would always go on band trips in the Spring and once went to Florida with those jackets. And the weekends around Memorial day were always Spring competitions…and warm.

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seriously · 107 weeks ago

Worst summer job I ever had was working as a theme park mascot in 100+ weather.
You couldn’t take the head off for ANY reason once you stepped into the park, you only got two 30 minute breaks, and my boss frowned upon us using our lunch breaks to soak in the pool to cool down.

I lasted two and a half weeks.

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@Kisai · 107 weeks ago

I could not stand to be outside in Dallas, Texas until the sun went down (in the middle of summer.)
Las Vegas I couldn’t stand to be outside, even after the sun went down. How do you people not catch fire down south?

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1 reply · active 107 weeks ago

josh· 107 weeks ago

very, very carefully.

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furrbear· 107 weeks ago

I have to disagree about dry vs. damp heat; at least with dry heat it’s theoretically possible to just keep drinking water, iced tea, etc. to stay hydrated, and if there’s a bit of a breeze it feels less hot than it is. If it’s humid, though … nothing but electrically-powered comfort (A/C and/or dehumidifiers) will help, otherwise you just freaking steam to death. [And anyone who looks down on Mexican culture for the siesta – that is, not working during the most viciously hot part of the day – is a freakin’ idiot.]

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1 reply · active 107 weeks ago

lou · 107 weeks ago

We need siestas here in America. They sound awesome!

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Lynne · 107 weeks ago

The past eight summers I’ve worked at an outdoor day camp in the DFW area, and the hottest I’ve ever been was one day when it was 106 but humid enough that the heat index was 115. We canceled all activities not involving water, set up sprinklers all over camp so the kids could play in them when not swimming or doing the slip-n-slide, and didn’t have our afternoon staff meeting for the first time in camp history. The best part was that I had to direct traffic out in our parking lot during pickup, where we literally fried an egg on the asphalt once the cars had left. I have pretty good heat tolerance, but that was absolutely miserable.

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Stephanie · 107 weeks ago

Any time I think it might br “too hot” I just think back to that February when it was minus 40 and the heater in my car broke and I had to drive with the windows open or the front window would freeze over on the inside and I’d have to scrape ice off of the inside at stop lights…

There’s no such thing as too hot out.

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chris · 107 weeks ago

An Ohioan here… we really do get the worst of both worlds. Freezing cold winters, and 90+degrees, 90% humidity summers. Hooray!

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1 reply · active 107 weeks ago

The Unknown FB · 107 weeks ago

The heat lasts for about 2 days between winter storms, or de-slush time/slush up time as well.

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tudza · 107 weeks ago

I had the heaves once, but it was OK because it was the dry heaves.

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Paul · 107 weeks ago

I was in Phoenix once to hear a morning DJ declare “It’s going to be cool today, 90 degrees” and to find out the Phoenix Zoo ships out their aquatic animals during the summer because they can’t keep the water cool enough for them.

The WATER is too hot for life in Phoenix.

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benthorp· 107 weeks ago

I have a photo of a thermometer in the shadows under the eaves of the kitchen building at the orphanage in Mozambique where I spent a week showing 50 degC (122F). It was hot. Although we were relatively near to the coast, so there was a breeze for some of the time, so I coped.

I also spent a week in Tunisia on holiday with teh wife a number of years ago. Burnt the tops of my feet on the first day. They went purple. Spent most of the week in a long-sleeve t-shirt, trousers, socks and shoes, seeking out air conditioning. Even went riding on a camel into the Sahara. Don’t know the exact temp, but it was decidedly warm…

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Stephen · 107 weeks ago

My band director had the sense (as much as he hated it) to move our rehearsals inside when the a Judge told the schools that they couldn’t work their students outside. It was only like 101 though. We could have made it. LOW BRASS FOREVER!

P.S. I live in Mississippi, where it is almost always 90+% humidity. While I understand that you have no desire to be baked in an oven (and neither do I), we would love to get a little dry heat every once and a while.

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1 reply · active 106 weeks ago

Allen · 106 weeks ago

Oh damn. I remember summers in marching band practice (Trombone player here). I also remember the heat causing me to have dizzy spells twice.

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Lawrence · 107 weeks ago

Golan Heights in Israel in July. it was 105 in the shade and super humid. No A/C, and fans just made it worse. I just tried not to move. I wanted to kill myself, but that would have required moving.

And dry heat is much more tolerable because of a little thing called evaporative cooling. The next year I was in Vegas for two days with highs of 112. It was beautiful.

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1 reply · active 107 weeks ago

LazyDolphin· 107 weeks ago

Gotta agree — an 83 degree humid summer day here in New York is absolutely more miserable than a dry 98 degree day in Arizona.

Although 112 is damn hot, no matter how little moisture is in the air

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scarlettb · 107 weeks ago

El Paso, Texas. August. 112 degrees. Outdoor wedding. Polyester bridesmaid’s dress.

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1 reply · active 107 weeks ago

sedula· 107 weeks ago

Kill Bill????

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tomspeelman· 107 weeks ago

Several years ago, I was at an outdoor softball tournament in Indianapolis in 112 degree heat. I got second degree burns on my nose and now for the rest of my life, I have to put sunscreen on it every time I go outside lest I get cancer.

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Dan · 107 weeks ago

I’d rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.

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Spacey · 107 weeks ago

Ages ago back in HS I was in a marching band that played in a parade in Vegas. While everyone else was passing out I was doing fairly well since I grew up just outside Phoenix.

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Mark · 107 weeks ago

It was about 115 in Baghdad during the summer, and I was usually sitting in the turret of a Bradley Fighting Vehicle wearing an OTV (flak vest)….so about 120+ degrees Fahrenheit. Think that was bad? At least I usually had my hatch open so I could feel a breeze, the dismount troops in the back didn’t even have that.

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Nephaline · 107 weeks ago

Rarely get high temperatures in the Canadian Prairies, but one summer there was a week of 44 Celsius with high humidity. Thankfully I had air conditioning.

The worst heat I can remember when travelling, was in Texas in June back in the 80’s. The humidity was so high, I couldn’t sweat, and felt like I was being smothered when trying to sleep at night in hotels that didn’t have air conditioning.

Trips to California, Florida and Arizona were always in the winter, so the weather was mild, sometimes even a cold snap. Our family always stood out as the crazy people wearing shorts, and the only ones at the beach.

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@RHaseman · 106 weeks ago

Darwin, Australia. Thankfully I’ve only spent a few weeks there on holidays but I have friends who grew up there and a cousin who was based there when he was in the Army, and I can’t understand how it’s considered habitable for the 11 months of the year that it’s “much worse” than when I visited.

Apparently it’s a “relief” when the build-up finally breaks into a Tropical Cyclone…

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Joe Sanderson · 106 weeks ago

Here in the UK, hot days are a blessing, as our summer for the past few years seems to have been ‘the one day in June when it didn’t rain and everyone in the country had a barbecue.’
But, in May this year, I was doing Anglo-Norman reenactment at a castle in Shropshire and the heat for all three days was intense. It was made worse by the fact that I was wearing two linen tunics, a gambeson (padded armour- imagine a wearable duvet) and then 45lb of chainmaille over all of that. Oh, and a nasal helmet. The metal became too hot to touch to the extent that people were burning themselves, salt started crystallizing on my gambeson when it was exposed to direct sun, and I had to ring my tunics out repeatedly.

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Tony Padegimas· 106 weeks ago

I live in Phoenix so…

When I was young, my friend had some cousins stay for the summer from the northeast. His father took them out to the street like the second day, broke an egg on the asphalt, and as they watched it fry (because they really will) he said, “This is why we don’t go outside without shoes.”
People going barefoot in summer is something we only see in books and magazines.

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Mary · 105 weeks ago

I’m native to Phoenix. The temperature made 122 degrees a few years ago in July. Its only for a few days each year that we top 110.

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Acadius · 104 weeks ago

Spent a blistering weekend doing Amtgard at Fort Travis Seashore Park, Bolivar Peninsula, TX. Roasted all weekend getting 2nd degree sunburns and no way to walk down to the water and cool off, painful! Winning the Kingdom of Wetlands first Kingdom-wide Jugging tournament, Priceless!

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emperorbailey· 96 weeks ago

Yeah, unless I’m wearing a suit or something, I can typically shrug off heat up to about 110. But there’s something about that number. And the fact that Phx so often surpasses it. It just breaks your spirit.
A couple weeks ago I interviewed for a job in western Washington.

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Phoenix Comicon 2013 Fancy Sketches Part 1

The Phoenix Phancy Bastards had some excellent sketch requests this year. Here’s part 1 of a 2 part collection of my favorites. Looks like Gallifrey Comicon might not be too far away since we just discovered Gallifrey.

COMMENTERS: Speaking of Gallifrey Comicon, in what fictional geek genre place would you like to see a comic convention held? What are the panels, the events, etc? Who are the speakers?

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hijinksensue· 107 weeks ago

If anyone wants the original Josh “Powergirl” black and white art, it’s for sale. $30 shipped in the USA.

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4 replies · active 107 weeks ago

Scott · 107 weeks ago

I’d love to get the Josh Powergirl piece. How to get it?

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hijinksensue· 107 weeks ago

Paypal $30 (if you’re in the US) to store at hijinksensue dot com and include your mailing address. Also let me know if I should sign it to anyone.

-Joel

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Scott · 107 weeks ago

Will do, thanks

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Scott · 107 weeks ago

I don’t see a direct link form that piece, so will “donate” $30 and mention inthe comments what it’s for and where to send it. Thanks!

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Bryce · 107 weeks ago

Moria could be an epic convention hall once they cleaned the place up.

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Adwxxx · 107 weeks ago

PODCAST PLEASE!

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lou · 107 weeks ago

I can see Coruscant hosting a Con, since a planet-covering city just HAS to have a totally bitching convention center. Then again, organizing something that size would be a nightmare.

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Candace · 107 weeks ago

Love the Captain Jacks and the Josh!

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@Silellak · 107 weeks ago

Yay, my Khan vs. Khan sketch made the cut! Thanks again, Joel!

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Siirenias · 107 weeks ago

…is that the temporal dimensional pod from 7 Days?

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Charles Foster Kane · 107 weeks ago

So I guess Benedict Cumberbatch plays Khan in the new Star Trek movie? I’m seeing Star Trek tonight because it didn’t open sooner in my country, so that kind of spoils it for me 🙁

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1 reply · active 100 weeks ago

emperorbailey· 100 weeks ago

Yeah, don’t go to geeky American websites until you’ve seen it.

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Andy · 107 weeks ago

If you would make a fancy, weathered-looking print of the Vitruvian Zuul, I would be so happy (and pay you moneystuff for it).

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