Westwood College: Tightening Up the Graphics on Level 3 since 1953

1953? That’s impressive. I didn’t know you could tighten up the graphics on punch cards. Why beat this horse corpse when the internet has delivered such a resplendent flogging already? Joystiq just posted an article from Game Career Guide that prompted me to remember how shitty those commercials were.

An anlysis encompassing both the Gen1 (or O.G) Westwood commerical and the Gen2 (with the spinning robot model on the projector).

Even if you were developing a game for the PSOne, your don’t program it with the controller. I can’t explain how many different ways that this is just wrong
Your boss isn’t a moderately hot chick who needs you to finish programming this game because she needs you to program another one. Again, too many levels of wrong to elaborate on. You don’… you can’t….ugh. It’s pointless.
You don’t view the game you are “coding” on a wall sized projector screen.
You dont “add the sound effect we used in the last level” with an 8 channel instrument mixing board with some XLR cables plugged into it. They might as well have been “injecting” the sound effects with a turkey baster.
And lastly, sing it with me, “There’s no such thing as tightening up the graphics on level 3!” Thats like saying “we just need to reverse entropy, then we’ll be done.”

I don’t mean to rag on the students of Westwood. On the contrary, I feel for them. It seems like they are spending 10’s of thousands of dollars to get set up for disappointment. Real gaming studios don’t take these colleges-in-a-box that seriously. You have a much better shot of landing a game job by learning 3DS Max at home over the summer. Studios are interested in demonstrable skills. Develop some then use them to get a job at the bottom of the ladder (tester). Then work your way up (to pizza-go-getter).

Westwood college’s view of the gaming industry is a lot like seeing the internet through the eyes of Johnny Mnemonic or Hackers. The internet is not “surfed” via interactive 3d cyberscape, nor are games designed in a matter of days with duel-shock controllers in hand. I’m just waiting for a school to offer a degree in being a rock star.

“I can’t believe we got these jobs being rock stars”

“Yeah, my mom said I’d never get anywhere with my guitar and devil-may-care attitude.”

“Oh snapz, it’s the boss”

“Are you guys done recording that hit record? I need you to record another one tomorrow.”

“We’re almost done and we need to tighten up the awsomeness on track 3.”

Update:

In case anyone was wondering who “Final Boss” was; that’s Jeramy. He was/is the Director on a few games that I did voice over work for (oh, also Josh and Eli sort of helped create them, sort of… and Mikey sort of entirely wrote them, and kind of exactly killed my character about 1/3 of the way through the first game…). ~~Jeremy is A boss, of sorts, but I don’t think he is actually Josh and Eli’s boss in any fashion.~~ As Mark and Mikey pointed out, Jeramy is not only A boss, but he is, in fact, The Final Boss. Jeramy FTW!

The $100 iPhone Rebate’s on the Dresser, Chocolate

Uncle Steve is a stone cold pimp. Sure, you’re used to seeing him in black turtle necks and bluejeans, but I assure you his weekend attire consists of a purple and green suede suit, alligator boots (with the pointy toes), a cane with a giant diamond for a handle and a feather in his pimp hat. Imagine Archishop Don “Magic” Juan but whiter and a billionaire.

If he’s “Daddy,” then who’s turning the tricks? You are. I am. Josh certainly is. As I mentioned before, Josh was a day one iPhone adopter (when you can’t conceive, adoption is an honorable alternative). So for being a well behaved be-itch, Daddy will give him a $100 gift card. I hope he uses it to buy cancer.

Now that the price us $200 tastier, I am expecting Santa to leave a pair of iPhones under the tree this year for the wife and I. In return I will leave him a bottle of bourbon and assorted asian and shaving themed pornographies.

This is the plan assuming the 3g 16gb iPhone rumor turns out to be bunk. Either way, I know that as soon as I activate mine Steve will announce a new one with GPS, DVR, video conferencing, no contract, and the ability to grant 3 wishes all for $60. Two months later he’ll drop it to $40, add 2 extra wishes and a 3-way feature (and I don’t mean “calling”).

Reasons I Love Teh Internets: Vol 1

It is a well documented fact that I love the Internet. You may counter, “Well, if you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?” Two reasons: A) I’m already married, and 2) judging from its proclivity towards pornography one can assume that the Internet is a dude. Not that I wouldn’t marry the Internet if it were a dude. It’s just that it would be illegal in Texas, and I’m not in the mood for a road trip to Massachusetts. Sidenote: “Homophobia” beat out “Racism” and “Fear” as the official “State Feeling of Texas” this year. “Blinding Rage” was a close second.

The point of this comic was simply to point out a few things that make the Intertron a special place for me. I generally gets my LOL Feline fix from I Can Has Cheezeburger. If you aren’t hip to the Cheeze then you need to stop reading this drivel and hop to it. I’m not kidding, you guys. They have pictures of cats with things on them that the cats DO NOT WANT to be on them. It’s hilarious. Hats, furniture, other cats. You name it, they will put it on a cat and take a picture.

What can I say about Tay Zonday. Tay Zonday, some stay dry and others feel the pain. Tay Zonday, a baby born will die before the sin. Tay Zonday, made me cross the street the other day. Tay Zonday, Josh once accused him of inward singing.

Wikipedia is a treasure like none other. Sometimes I want to know things. Some guy already knew those things and wrote about them in Wikipedia. Those things often have to do with Hobbits and Transformers.

(Yes, that’s Utah Raptor from Dinosaur Comics that General Eli is riding. Good eye!)

Finally, Myspace. Myspace is a fucking piece of shit. It is, by far, the worst thing I have ever used for any reason, in any capacity or circumstance. The UI is non-existent and the features are the opposite of features. To call them “features” would be like calling weeping sores a “feature” of herpes. Check out my Myspace!

The “Vol. 1” in the title eludes to some possibility of a follow up. What Internets should I tackle next?

Bonus: You can download a hi-res version of the Wikipedia panel here.

NBC Makes Excellent Business Decisions

Remember Scrooge McDuck’s money bin? It housed not only the whole of his vast riches but also his “Number One Dime.” I imagine Jeff Zucker, President of NBC, has a similar structure for housing NBC’s wealth. I also imagine (nay, assume) that Mr. Zucker backstrokes through gold ingots and bank notes alike, occasionally diving only to resurface and spew priceless coins from his blow hole.

The only reason I can come up with for NBC’s decision to drop iTunes as a distributor for it’s television properties is that the Money Bin in question must be full.

“We simply can’t fit any more money in this fantastic chamber! One more dollar and I won’t be able to use the diamond encrusted high dive! What good is all of this money if I can’t swim through it? What other uses could I possibly find for it? I know I can have sex on it, or WITH it, but that’s not the point. No! Do not empty that wheelbarrow of money in here! Where did that money come from? iTunes sales of popular NBC shows like “The Office” and “Heroes?” Get Steve Jobs on the phone immediately! I’ll put a stop to this!”

The guy talking was Jeff Zucker.

Josh might have been concerned by this news but it turns out that the terms of the deal in no way affect his ability to illegally download NBC shows from BitTorrent. So he’s cool with it.

Building The Brand

I read an article in Wired about the secret lives of Gabe and Tycho from Penny Arcade. It was eye opening to say the least. Penny Arcade is not a simple two man production whose sole focus is uploading jpegs and cracking wise. Oh no. Gabe and Tycho are merely figure heads that sit loftily atop a monolithic stone edifice overseeing a vast corporate empire. PA is a business. PA is a profit generating, self perpetuating turbine of lewd and lascivious 1’s and 0’s. I say this not to disparage, but to demonstrate my extreme reverence and awe.

Here are the Cliff’s notes:

Gabe and Tycho oversee a staff of 10, including a full time sales staff
PA Generates profits in the multiple (at least 2) millions annually (the writer estimates)
Gabe and Tycho were contemplating day jobs at the height of their initial super stardom due to VASTLY undercharging for advertising. Robert fixed all that.
PAX is now the LARGEST NORTH AMERICAN GAME EXPO. Period.

Read the article. It was good. What a surreal and amazing experience the last few years must have been for those two.

Josh met Jerry and Mike a few years ago when they were working on a promotional piece for a game he and Eli were developing (and for which I did voice work). He said they are extremely cool guys and quite down to earth. I believe it. Their intentions seem to be pure and their motivations just. My one and only confusion stems from the fact that Tycho writes from time to time about not having money for this game or that peripheral… YOUR WEBCOMIC GENERATES OVER 1 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR! Stop fucking with me.

Also, Gabe looks like Freddy Mercury.

Also, Also: On the subject of hoboes, you must download and listen to John Hodgman’s (PC from the Mac commercials and Daily Show correspondant) 700 hobo names. Its fabulous beyond repair. “Boxcar Aldous Huxley” is my favorite. It also features music from the fantastic Jonathan Coulton. When you are done you can visit the site with all 700 hobo names in illustration form.