Shit Happenings

See what I did there? There was a twist ending. The comic wasn’t about “The Happening” at all! Boosh.

“Wayne’s World” played a pivotal role in the early development of my sense of humor. It was the only movie I ever owned on VHS. I watched it every day after school (sometimes twice) for months after I got it. I didn’t even understand 2/3 of the jokes at age 11 (I didn’t know much about Alice Cooper or why it isn’t cool to play “Stairway” in a guitar shop), but that didn’t stop me from memorizing the movie word for word (even the Cantonese) and reciting it to my friends. It introduced me to a style of parody and non sequitur that I still use every day, especially in this comic. For those reasons I can forgive Mike Myers. He gets a free pass to comedy heaven as far as I’m concerned. But, let’s make sure he gets there soon… somebody please kill him* for making “The Love Guru.”

I love the headline from this Aint it Cool News review: ‘If Shit Got THE LOVE GURU On It, Shit Would Wipe It Off!’

At least it’s not making any money. That should (hopefully) crush any chances of a sequel.  Mike Myers and sequels are not a good combination. He’s invented two characters that are forever emblazoned on the American pop culture psyche, and have added a slew of words to our collective lexicon (Shwing!, Party On, Asphinctersayswhat, Shagadellic, Oh Behave, Do I make you horny?, etc.). You might be tired of these phrases but that’s most likely due to their overuse in their films’ repsective sequels.

“Wayne’s World” and “Austin Powers: IMoM” were both comedic masterpieces. Expertly exectued in every way. “Wayne’s World 2” was “All the Jokes from Wayne’s World” – Rob Lowe + Christopher Walken. It’s watchable, but only on a Saturday afternoon when it’s coming on TBS and nothing else is on. “Austin Powers” 2 and 3 might have actually been shot from the same script as the original. Take one part “Austin Powers,” mix with 2 parts midget jokes, twice the number of dick jokes as needed, 2 giant handfuls of recycled catch phrases and mix vigorously until you feel ashamed. Feel free to substitute leggy British brunette for mentally retarded blonde or mentally retarded Beyonce Knowels (who is just terrible. Like, at everything).

“The Love Guru” seems to have surpassed his previous formula in terms of shittiness by no less than 200,000 percent.

Mike Myers + funny hair + funny makeup + funny accent + mild to moderate racism + Hottish female lead + midget + dick jokes + disgusting physical or anotomy gag + having a hard time riding around in amusing transportation + celebrity cameos + dick jokes… OK, that IS the formula for “Austin Powers”. I guess lightning doesn’t strike twice. Or if it does, the second time instead of lighting it’s a shitty movie.

Mike Myers’ Career 1989-2008

*That’s a joke. Please don’t kill Mike Myers or anyone else in the name of HijiNKS Ensue. That would suck.

P.S.

“The Happening” also sucks.

Josh Smash!

I’ve spent the last 3 days or so working non stop on “The Vault of Secret Awesome.” At one point today I said, “wait… I actually have to make the comics or there won’t be any comics.” Let me tell you, this job would be easy if it weren’t for all the comics. I could just sit back and collect delicious internet monies. So delicious.

This comic is as close as I can get to talking about “The Incredible Hulk” since I haven’t seen it yet. Granted, that has never stopped me before, but I actually plan to see this one. Eli says it’s pretty good. Regarding Josh’s pigmentation,  I suppose the hyper-gravy-ation turns the skin green. Why not?

In real life Josh has an “in” with a Popeye’s chicken employee that owe’s him a life debt. Much like Angel and his butcher friend, Josh sneaks in the back of the restaurant and Hector loads him up with life giving gravy… and probably some pig’s blood too.

My comment challenge to you: what else might one order off the menu at “Cluck-U-Chicken“?

(Thanks for your patience with the late comics and such while I’m getting the foundation poured for this webcomic empire. Your comments and emails of support are extremely helpful.)


Economically Stimulated

“Hey, America! Shut your gaping pie holes and take this ca$h! Go buy a Blu-Ray player or some other worthless shit! Don’t stop to ask WHY the economy’s in the toilet, just consume! Go buy $600 worth of donut holes, or Cherry Pop Tarts, or Moon Pies or whatever you miserable fat fuckers eat! Burn it! I don’t care! Eat your check and fucking choke to death! IGNORE ME AND THINK ABOUT THE FREE MONEY!!! IT’S FREE AND IT’S MONEY!!! BUY SOME SEX FROM A WHORE OR BETTER YET, JUST GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!”

-Love,

W.

Did anyone else get this note with their check?

Me? I saved my check. We’re in a recession, you know.

The Host’s Lament

Despite what this comic would lead you to believe (who writes this thing anyway?), my birthday party was a smashing success. Thanks in part to the Fancy Bastards who shared in the festivities via live video stream. It was pretty amazing feeling like there were dozens of people watching the shitty movies with us.

Thanks to everyone that came in person and every one else that interwebbed the trons.

Today’s comic is the first one I ever live streamed as it was created. The Fancy Bastards kept me entertained and focused for 7 hours as this thing came together.

You can see videos of “The HijiNKS Ensue Webcomicocalypse” here. I’ll try and edit them together then speed them up for a time lapse type of thing later (assuming I can download them from Ustream).

The Immaculate Extinction Theory

Hereterrific? Heretacular? Either way, this is a church I would join. It’s like Christianity meets Turok, meets “Kill Bill.”

Denise unwittingly inspired today’s comic by sharing this image with me.  It reminded me of a book I had as a child called “Dinosaurs and the Bible.” It was sort of like “batshit nuts propaganda for kids.” It explained how a few vague passages of scripture, a painting or two and a poem here and there proved that dinosaurs only died out about 3000 years ago. Dinosaurs were in the garden of Eden (please make this into a movie), and were on the Ark, and so forth and so on.

I encourage you to excercise your right to worship as you please, believe as you wish and whistle while you work, but if you think the entirty of Earth’s history fits into a neat little 6000 year span, you should probably stop reading this and (to paraphrase the poet) “go pound nails in your dick.”

My wife had a “science” text book at her private school that offered the idea that God put the dinosaur bones in the earth to test our faith. It also suggested that carbon dating was not to be trusted. I’m sure they had issues with the “theory” of gravity too. I believe we stick to the Earth because our hair is so heavy. That’s why bald people can fly. Look it up.

FYI

Intense Debate is having problems and I’m not getting comment notifications via email right now.