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Parents Let Kid Drop Out of High School to Focus on Guitar Hero

To me, that reads the same as “Parents let kid drop out of highschool to focus on crystal meth,” or “Parents let kid drop out of highschool to explore newfound interest in clumsy teenage sex.”

“”We couldn’t take the complaining anymore,” said his mom.” That’s REAL parenting. The kind of parenting you normally only find when mom and dad share a few chromasomes. The best part is, the kid ISN’T some kind of Guitar Hero prodigy. He won a few local tournaments and has only earned about $1000, and most of that was in chicken sandwich coupons (I shit you not). I know to a kid $1000 worth of Chik-Fil-A seems like all you really need to get by in life (hell, it sounds pretty good to me right now), but man can not live on delicious breaded chicken parts alone. How’s he going to afford fries, Diet Coke and honey mustard?

I remember when I was 8 and I told my mom I was dropping out of 3rd grade and leaving home to join Voltron. I had my arguments rehearsed (something like, “I WANT TO JOIN VOLTRON BECAUSE THEY ARE ROBOT LIONS AND THEY ARE IN SPACE AND THEY HAVE A SWORD AND I WANT TO DRIVE A ROBOT!”) and I wasn’t taking “no” for an answer. As any good parent would do, she told me I couldn’t join Voltron because they were satanic and made Jesus cry. Seemed like a good reason to stay in school at the time. In retrospect I regret not taking that chance at happiness.

Aw hell, Guitar Hero Idiot Kid, go live your dream. You ride that plastic guitar all the way to top. All the way to the extended stay motel where you and your common law wife will wretch and convulse night after night becuase your button clacking skills can’t afford you the delicious meth you need to feed the dragon in your brain. DREAM BIG YOU STUPID SONOFABITCH!

Addendum:

I know there’s more to this story than what I’ve portrayed here. If you want to know the rest, Google and read. If you want to laugh at a silly comic with little to no basis in reality, I can help you with that.

I’m Going To See “The Clone Wars” Ziro Times

It’s hard to call George Lucas a racist or a bigot becuase I get the impression he really has no idea what he’s doing. Remember those interviews a few years ago with Michael Jackson where you really started to believe that he had NO IDEA that he was, in fact, a pedophile? I feel the same way about G.L. He seems completely oblivious to the effect his meddling has had on his once beloved franchise.

This guy practically had Jar Jar dancing a soft shoe, and singing “Mammy” in black face. He’s completely gone. I guarantee you he has some bullshit philosophy that “it’s not even the same galaxy, so Earth’s racial and sexual stereotypes have no relevance. Anyway let’s get ready to shoot the cross burning on Tatooine.”

So now he’s made the first flaming Hutt (that has to be a drink at the Mos Eisley Cantina). Again, I assume he has no idea what he’s done. The conversation went like this:

GL: “Guys, for Jabba’s Uncle Ziro, I want him to be purple, wear make up, have feathers in his hair, be very effeminate and for good measure let’s give him the distinctive voice of a famous homosexual author.”

Guys: “Isn’t that… going to offend gays?”

GL: “This is a long time ago in a galaxy far away! Why do I have to tell you this every day?! There is no predjudice against space-gays in the Star Wars Universe. IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON! IT’S NOT CANON!”

Then he stomps a whole in the ground and turns to stone.

When I saw Gendy Tartakovsky’s animated “Clone Wars” on Cartoon Network, I was convinced that it was a positive turning point for Star Wars. The stylized animation was distinct and likable, the voice acting was, at times, excellent and the stories the series told were compelling. Mace Windu took out an entire droid army by himself. It was awesome.

When I found out they were remaking the series as a CGI movie (with a new tv series to follow) I groaned that same “Lucas can’t leave well enough alone” groan I’ve been groaning for years.

Sure enough, the reviews are confirming my fears. Many of you will say, “I don’t read reviews. I see the movie and decide for myself.” Be my guest.

Links:

Tropic Chunder?

$10 says Mad Magazine or Cracked use that same title.

When I say that many of these comics are autobiographical, please believe me. For not one, not two, but three of my friends approached me with roughly the same review of “Tropic Thunder.” It just so happens they were the three featured regularly in HijiNKS Ensue. I hope when I have lunch with them later today I might actually learn if they thought it was a good movie.

Eli said basically what I portrayed in the panels above. He speaks in cryptic riddles and half truths. I think I’m supposed to find an amulet to decode what he tells me.

Denise was actually the one that suggested Eli might have been talking about “unicorn vomit” as opposed to his own, or someone else’s. Somehow, in her world, this suggests a shift from a negative connotation (throwing up in your own mouth) to a positive one (finding that there is mythical horned horse vomit in your mouth). As if the response to that discovery would be “Mmm, delightful!”

Denise also proposed that “Tropic Thunder” was made by 12 year olds with access to high explosives. Again, I think she meant this as a compliment to the film makers.

I’m so confused.

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“Tropic Thunder” sounds like a sports drink that might actually be “enfused” with unicorn vomit.

SAVE HIJINKS ENSUE UPDATE

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Can You Dig It?

I battled a serious case of writer’s block today. I had roughed out 4 or 5 comic ideas but none of them ever gelled. Josh suggested I do a fart joke and be done with it. I didn’t want to cop out quite that hard, but as a tribute to my day of desperation and to his flatulent suggestion, I threw one in the first panel.

I’d like to think Isaac Hayes was floating around in some sort of Soulicious Chocolate Funk Heaven, the kind of place where Bootsy Collins, not St. Peter, would greet you at the pearly entrance to the Eternal Life Funkdubious Mothership Spacegasm. Alas, Mr. Hayes was a Sci-Lon. You’d think he could have warded of the brainwashing powers of the “Church of Scientolgy” with his Sex-Machine powers or his ability to “not cop out when there’s danger all about.” (I know the song isn’t about HIM but… isn’t it, though?)

At least Sci-Lon’s believe in a type of reincarnation (it litterally involves a trip to Venus to have your soul refitted with a new “meat-body”). He could already be back. If you see a 2 day old baby with a deep, soulful voice, a willingness to risk his neck for his brother man and just a little more facial hair that you would expect from an infant, that’s probably him.

Ya’ damn right.

Special Effing X

I, for one, welcome our new Chinese overlords. I missed the actual opening ceremony of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, but the photos alone were enough to blow my mind. Josh has an HD rip of the whole thing, so I’ll probably get to “experience the mindsplode” eventually.

After writing this comic I found that Eli’s assumption wasn’t too far off. Apparantly there were some CG Chinanigans.

I turned on the games last night just in time to catch the US Swim Relay team… swim… really well. I don’t much about sports and I’m certainly not enthusiastic about The Olmpics, but I found myself glued to the TV watching these dudes swim. It was mesmerizing. One lap in that pool would have put me in the hospital. They did MORE THAN ONE. LOTS MORE! It was really quite a spectacle to behold. I guess there is something laudable about attaining a machine-like endurance and reaching near perfect physical condition. It doesn’t make me feel patriotic or “more American” to see the US athletes take home Gold, but it certainly seemed like it took more effort than, say, a football game. So I can appreciate their accomplishments.

SAVE HIJINKS ENSUE UPDATE!!!

As of this post Monthly Subscription Donations are at: $380. The goal is to get as close to $2500 as possible in the next few weeks in order to keep HijiNKS Ensue as my full time job.

Thanks to all that have already donated, sent an encouraging email or spread the word on their blog, forum or website. Your support means everything to me.