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A Very Particular Set of Skills

I fell in love (actually lust) with “Taken” starring Liam Neeson after the first time I saw the trailer. The calm in Neeson’s voice just sells the character/plot so hard. SO HARD! I didn’t expect an Oscar caliber movie. I expected Liam Neeson to be a fucking bad ass and kill every mother fucker that took his daughter until there were no mother fuckers left to kill.

According to Josh and Eli, that is EXACTLY what you get… in the Rated-R European version of the film. WTF Hollywood? Since when are we cutting out the violence for U.S. movies? I wouldn’t take a kid to see this film even if you replaced all the blood with rainbow unicorn vomit, so what gives? It’s obviously intended for adults.

So once again, H-Wood has forced my hand. I will wait for the Unrated DVD (which I will get from Netflix). So instead of $20 worth of tickets and $20 worth of concessions they’ll get whatever percentage of $8.99/ month Netflix gives them.

I won’t say how Josh and Eli saw the international version, but it rhymes with Bit Torrent.

I don’t know how you guys feel, but for me sometimes a movie like “Taken” is all you need. It has just enough story to keep the action going and a cool-headed badassmith like Liam Neeson to carry it and keep you focused.

QUESTION TIME!
What are your favorite “I’m A Badass and I Must Kill Everyone Until I Am The Last One Standing!!!” (IABIMKEUIATLOS!!! for short) movies?

What other movies have had awesome Eurpean cuts and beefed it on the US release?

Like a Blacksmith, But For Songs

DANCE, MONKEY-BOY, DANCE!

Microsoft spent hundreds of millions of dollars last year to try and undo the damage Apple’s “I’m a Mac/I’m A PC” ad campaign had done to their image. Judging from the infomercial they produced for Microsoft Songsmith (a software that lets you… well, read panel one in the comic) it only took about $500 to negate all of their damage control efforts and solidify their image as the ultimate “we still don’t get it” company.

By “it” I am referring to “cool” not quality. Microsoft products may fit your needs perfectly and that’s just fine. I used them for over a decade before switching to a Mac and the biggest complaint I had was Windows XP Networking and file sharing NEVER working the same way from day to day or machine to machine. Other than that I was able to compute to my hearts desire. To each his own. So, while I am not suggesting that their product is actually inferior to their competition’s, I am asserting that their marketing department is a butthole chewing dumbass factory (literally a factory that manufactures dumbasses that chew on their own buttholes for sustenance). Did you watch the infomercial? Watch it! Seriously. It’s like an exercise in lack of self awareness. Blade Runners actually administer that video as part of the Voight-Kampff test to identify potential replicants. If the subject doesn’t laugh at first, then slowly start to stare in shivering disbelief, they know it’s a synthetic and “retire” it on the spot.

Now, I said MS’s products weren’t ALL inherently inferior… Songsmith certainly is the exception. It is a product that fills no need. I have been to the internet and I promise you there weren’t any kids there clammering for a software that adds 1990’s-esque midi jams to their bittersweet lyrics about ponies and ninjas and such. It’s supply on one side and an absolute vacuum of demand on the other.

Luckily the internet occasionally giveth more than it taketh away. And it hath giveth a plentiful bounty, ten fold… a bunch of mash ups of modern song lyrics backed by Songsmith’s instrumental stylings. They are truly horrifying to behold. UPDATE: Turns out the Songsmith Classics were created by HE reader azz100c. There are more horrors on her blog entertainmentweakly.com/blog.

If This Battlestar’s A-Rockin’

Sometimes he makes her wear an eye patch and call him “The Old Man.”

Isn’t it about time these two frakked? Or do you believe, as I do, that Adama and Roslin have been knocking space boots since New Caprica? Or are you of the opinion, as so many unfortunately are, that you have no idea what this comic is about because you don’t watch Battlestar Galactica (shame on you, bad geek, BAD GEEK!)?

I know ultraspecificSPLODE comics like these are bound to alienate a vast number of you Fancy Bastards, but BSG has nearly run its course and I have to get this stuff out of my system while it’s still relevant.

Even if you don’t know the specifics of the Roslin/Adama relationship dynamic, you can still enjoy the fact that two old people are banging in space. That’s Grade-A Hotness right there. To make it even nastier, the lady involved is bald and dying of cancer (queue the “bow-chicka-wow-wow” music)!  I know, right? If you are too turned on to continue reading this, feel free to stop here and go have some sex.

……….

Did I mention the dude portion of this futuristic elderly sexcapade has a face so leathery and scarred with pock marks, craters, cracks and crevaces that it looks like the Moon and an old couch bad a baby? This pairing is oozing with sexual intercourse appeal… and probably some BenGay.

[Credit goes to Eli for coming up with the de-cornered condom wrappers. That shit is gold.]

Dick Everlasting

Alternate ending: “Ancient Spirts of Evil, Transform this decayed form into CHENEY THE EVER-LIVING!!!”

[This comic is translated from Dick Cheney’s native language, a mixture of Parseltongue and the dark tongue spoken in Mordor]

Cheney was looking pretty rough at the inauguration on Tuesday. He was on his third baboon heart, and previously had all of his bones replaced with steel recovered from ground zero. With his titanium kidneys and cobalt spleen, he is more machine now than man. Though there are those that believe Cheney isn’t a man at all, rather he’s actually a highly evolved insect that has learned how to use it’s natural camouflage to mimic a human appearance. Personally, I believe that he is ageless. He was birthed of the primordial fires of creation, and roamed the Earth long before any other sentient life. He drove the demons, trolls and orcs deep below… or they banished him to the surface… either way, he is as ancient as he is evil and he is large amounts of both.

I’m guessing Cheney has been assuming different identities throughout history. Who was he? Zeus? Jack the Ripper? Joseph Stalin? Dracula? I bet he was Dracula. Also, feel free to share your ideas for other ways Cheney has kept alive all these years. I would have defaulted to the obvious conclusion that he’s a Cylon, but without the Resurrection Ship, I’m not sure how that would work.

And before you tell me to take it easy on Cheney, or the Bush administration, save it. I’m still high on Obama fumes and I’m not nearly ready to come down.

And a SPECIAL THANK YOU to those Twittering FB’s that unwittingly helped me write this comic with their @’s (justchristine, lonneynerd, bradymikep, bshirley, jaydeflix, and muttonhead104).

Adjusting To Change

At Noon today, Barack Obama will be sworn in as our 44th president. At 9pm he’ll delete the “Walker, Texas Ranger” season pass from the White House Tivo.

Oh, and just to clarify, Bush spent and average of 2 months clearing brush each year at his Crawford, TX ranch, but he spent and average of 4 months total on vacation each year that he was in office. That’s roughly a month shy of 1000 days of vacation in 8 years. What can I say? Don’t let the big white doors hit you in the ass on the way out, W.

Inauguration Links: