Archives

All Thai’d Up In Bangkok

Alternate Titles: “Thai a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree,” “Babes in Thailand” and… well, anything else with “bang and kok”

In poor tastse? Probably. Too soon? Sure. Whatever.

I stand by my “everything is funny or nothing is” philosophy. If we can’t laugh at death, death wins. Plus, if we can’t laugh at a death that involved being found in a Bangkok hotel room with your neck, hands and genitals bound, then all is lost.

Wizard Pride Shirt

Wizard Pride Shirt

I know there is an ongoing investigation to find out if foul play was involved in David Carradine’s death, but I think it’s pretty clear what happened. The internet has taught me about all the crazy ways people enjoy their own jigglies and what not. Mr. Carradine seems to have traded kung-fu for auto-erotic asphyxiation. He went a little too far and the worst happened.

If you have to tie up your balls to get off, more power too you. If you need a large woman in a Strawberry Shortcake outfit to hold a butane torch dangerously close to your buttox while you furiously masturbate to 1980’s tractor pulls on VHS, I say go for it. Consenting adults should be able to sex each other up however they like as long as no one else is hurt.  But, I think it’s safe to say, regardless of how you abuse your baby-makers, you probably don’t want to die mid-said-abuse and forever be remembered as “that guy that died doing that odd sexual thing to himself with that leaf blower and the water melons.”

If you believe Carradine’s ex-wife, he was a depraved old bastard obsessed with sexual deviance who liked to grope her in public against her wishes. That sounds pretty awful but I don’t know the situation personally so I can’t really make a judgment call. I have to sympathize with the dude if only for the Richard Geeresque tainting of his legacy.

Maybe it was murder. Who knows? Maybe the only hope for survival after  a tall, blond woman all clad in yellow uses the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique on you is you restrict the blood flow to your hands, head and balls. Let’s go ahead and pretend that was the case. Ya’ know… out of respect.

Our Buttonless Future

There was some sort of trend at E3 2009 towards getting gamers off their collective ass-flesh. Microsoft debuted it’s full body/no controller Project Natal while Sony offered their magic wand/raver glow stick hybrid dubbed the… well, nothing. They’re just calling it the PS3 motion controller. I’m sure by the time it’s released they’ll be calling it the “Cyber Lance” or “Excitement Bulb” or something.

Not being an active gamer, these products hold little promise for me for future entertainment, but I am quite intrigued by the technology involved. Microsoft has opted to do away with the controller completely (a ballsy yet foolish movie IMO) so that you can swipe furiously at menus, roundhouse kick your gamer tag to log in and scream movie preferences at your TV with all the fervor and zeal of someone who’s been on the phone with a Discover card voice-robot for 45 minutes (I think you said “Cock Shitting Fuck Mouthed Piece of Shit… If that is correct say “Yes” or Press 1). Their tech-demo was impressive but I really don’t see it translating well into an actual living room gaming experience. Although, finale getting to act out a “Hadouken” and having it actually accomplish something other than confused stares from the cats would be pretty sweet.

I think Sony actually came a lot closer to creating something people can actually use to play games. Their “web cam tracks the glowing orb in 3d space” tech makes a lot more sense to me than the Wii’s clumsier set up. Plus, you need buttons. That’s just how it is. Why would anyone think it’s easier to cartwheel across your living room than to hit A or X? Unfortunately, everyone already has an X-Box 360 (I don’t even have one and I HAVE ONE) so their arm flapping, high kicking back injury inducing system will probably prevail (if any of them do).

Oh, and Nintendo (Intenda to you Grandma’s in 1988) made a heart monitor that you ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO CLIP ON YOUR PENIS. Big deal.

Do any of these new control schemes excite you? Would you buy a system you didn’t already have to take adantage of one? Anything else from E3 that got your geek juices flowing? Why am I doing a gaming comic?

UPDATE: Lots of FB E3 09 talk on the Forum

In The Year 2000, In A Galaxy Far Far Away

Short post because today is my birthday: I thought the new Conan-powered Tonight Show was good. Leno is a hack. Jimmy Fallon is terrible. There are a few Conan-specific references in this one that many of  you probably won’t identify with. I started watching Conan when I was in middle school when his show was little more than public access with a slightly higher budget. It was frighteningly weird and I loved it. As it got more mainstream I stopped watching but I always got the feeling that Conan O’Brien was “one of us.” He’s just a lanky red-haired geek who happens to have a really high profile job on TV. I wish him the best.

No Fly Zone

[reddit-me]Alternate Title: “Bogey Nights”

[NOTE!: I’m getting the impression that a lot of you think the shirts in the Topatoco Store are the only ones for sale. This is not the case. Check out the HE Store to see everything I have to offer. ]

I saw “Up!” and this was the first thing that came to mind. I have a really hard time NOT imposing real world logic on children’s movies. Pixar makes it so much more difficult since their films are so immaculately produced. While I thoroughly  enjoyed the movie (the order goes Nemo, Incredibles, Monsters Inc., WALL-E, Up!, then the rest in no particular order. I’m not a huge Toy Story fan since I haven’t seen it since it came out on VHS), I was incredibly distracted with thoughts of “are the cops looking for this cub scout kid that’s been missing for 3 weeks and who was last seen going into the house of a 70 year old man?” and “why didn’t the house float away while the balloons were under the tarp? Surely the tarp didn’t weigh so much that it was keeping the balloons from lifting a 20 ton house,” and other such quandaries.

After seeing “Up!,” I wondered why Pixar chose to market it as “old guy+balloon-house” when it was really so much more. Granted, I DID go see it based on the limited information provided in the trailers, but at this point I’m going to see anything with a Pixar stamp on it. Is that what they were counting on? Luckily the film delivers at every turn. Visually it was beautiful (did you expect anything less?), the voice acting was top notch, the story moved at a fun pace for adults and children and there were more than a few LOLS and HNNYC’s (Hope No one Notices You’re Crying’s).

!!!FINAL COMMENT CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!

To any BSG fans that have already seen “Up!,” couldn’t you just picture the final episode with Adama and Roslin leaving Lee and Starbuck but instead of heading to a Raptor they are walking towards a house with balloons? I got a very similar vibe from the end of “Up!”. Maybe that was just me.

!!!END SPOILERS!!!

Rebuffed

A “Buffy” Movie without Joss Whedon? I will simply state that I am not in favor of this idea. But, I am self aware enough to admit that I am not an unbiased observer and am probably unable to render an wholly  objective opinion on the subject. That is why I will gladly leave it up to you to read through this copious amount of bipartisan material:

…then deliver judgment on the matter in the comments.

Now since I’m not commenting on whether or not it’s a good idea (it’s a fraking terrible idea), I do want to delve into the reasons why this issue has surfaced. The company that owns the film rights to the Buffster (which is NOT Mutant Enemy) is probably represeted by people that A) have eyes B) have wallets and C) desire to fill said wallets with something other than coleslaw… let’s say money. So they can undoubtably see that the nation’s youth is going through a “vampire phase” brought on by the “Twilight” series of  books and movies. They think, “Kids like the vampires and we have a vampire property ripe for rebootification!” What they may not realize is that “Twilight” borrows so heavily from “Buffy” that to remake “Buffy” based on the success of “Twilight” is like remaking “Teen Wolf” based on the success of “Teen Wolf Too.” It’s a fucking paradox. Buffy would be its own grandpa! The snake would eat its own tail and eventually shit out its own face! I think my metaphor got a little out of hand, but you get the idea.