Truth In Advertising

This comic is a completely true story, except it was less Josh yelling at a Brookstone employee and more me and my wife making fun of all the vibrators masquerading as “personal massagers” on their shelves.

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If you start on the left side of the “massager” section, you see some plausibly legitimate, semi-medical devices. There are some big, sturdy pieces of machinery with multiple rubberized contact points contoured to the shape of the human spine. As you move to the right, it’s like the evolutionary chart of the vibrator. They get smaller and more cylindrical, lower power (more buzzing and less percussing), more ergonomically shaped for one handed use and more focused on stimulating a specific, conspicuously vagina-sized area. The packaging also shows less and less people making the “OUCH! My back hurts!” face and more of the “I’m having a glass of red wine, taking a hot bath, then laying a towel down over my good sheets,” face.

Of course, if you look at it from right to left it just seems like ladies are demanding more and more cumbersome and industrial erotic implements. It’s like the tiny ones on the right are for humans and the multi-pronged jill-hammers on the left are for bears and rhinos and to aid in the collection of bull semen.

In reality, people have been using personal massagers to get themselves off since their inception and some clever marketing person just decided to start designing them towards their actual use rather than their intended purpose. Still, the cheeky box art, exploding with innuendo is rather amusing.

Speaking of bang-machines, have you seen the trailer for Hysteria? It looks pretty great as far as lady-gasm based films go.

COMMENTERS: What’s the silliest “this is totally a vibrator” item you have ever seen in a store? When’s the last time you saw a product advertised as one thing that was CERTAINLY supposed to be used as another thing? Are “massagers” the only industry that does this? Why can’t we just sell vibrators on regular store shelves next to the tupperware? People need to keep their leftovers from spoiling and they need to get off.

Decaf Just To Recaf Pt. 2

Part 1 is HERE.

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I’m about 3 or 4 days into my new caffeine free situation. I am happy to report there have been very few headaches, and also very little joy, happiness or hope. Also there have been a lot of headaches. Since giving up the Devil’s additive, I have noticed my appetite has gone down a bit (from “WAY TOO LARGE” to “medium too large”). I wonder if I just always wanted a snack to go with my soda or if the caffeine was actually affecting my hunger. I do know it was dehydrating me like a mother eff. I suppose it isn’t normal for your eyes to make a crackling sound when you blink. I’ve taken to soaking contact lenses in aloe and putting 3 or 4 of them in each eye.

Mostly I am just annoyed with how difficult it is to find caffeine free alternatives to the drinks I enjoy. That’s a real problem, right? I mean, it’s got to be up there somewhere on the hierarchy of basic needs. First it’s food/water, then shelter, then… what like some sweet bros to hang out with, maybe a lady friend or two, then a ready supply of decaf Pepsi Max followed by self actualization. I think I remember that from sociology class.

Decaf Just To Recaf Pt. 1

This is at least the 10th time I’ve given up caffeine in my 30ish years on this earth. I really did reach the point last week where I was saying, “Why is my body doing all this crazy shit? It’s not like I had a cup of coffee, 3 Pepsi Max, and a grande Starbucks iced Soy Latte before 5pm or anything. No wait, that exactly what I had EVERY DAY AND IT IS KILLING ME.”

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Hyberbole aside, I really felt like I was vibrating. The weird thing is I have never given two shits about caffeine. I just enjoy the many of the liquids they often package it in. My softdrink of choice for years has been Pepsi Max due to the zeroes of calories and its not having the assbutt taste of most diet sodas. Though I always forget the “Max” is referring to the “MAXimum chance of stroke due to the methamphetamine level of stimulants in this can.” So, at least for now, I am off the juice. I have stocked up on decaf coffee, tea and less than desirable sodas. There’s an old adage about work for hire. Out of Good, Cheap and Fast you can pick two, but you can never have all three. Sodas are the same way. Out of tasting good, having no calories and being caffeine free you are lucky if you get to pick two. There does not exist an option that covers all three bases.

My eye is stil twitching but I think that’s because I need new glasses. I was really hoping my declining eyesight would plateau at some point instead of getting worse almost exactly every 12 months. I sort of need my eyes to do this job.

COMMENTERS: Any stories about excessive caffeine intake accidental or on purpose? Any milestone event that forced you to give the stuff up? Any suggestions for alternative drinks to help sort out my hyper-agitated organs?

Drac-doula

Alternate Title: Emergency V-Section

The only thing I know for sure about Twilight: Breaking Dawn is that the director own’s one of my Team Edward shirts, because his partner bought it for him at Comic-Con this year. He was a nice guy (the partner, never met the director) and apparently he bought most of the BSG props when they went up for auction. I’m talking hatch doors, the CIC table, the phones, the computers, everything. So that’s pretty neat.

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COMMENTERS: What scene in any movie has really surprised you with how uncomfortable it made you feel? Doesn’t have to be horror or gore. Just anything that was completely out of place, over the top or beyond the boundaries established earlier in the film.

They Get The SPACE… MADNESS!

Why did I make this comic? Event Horizon is neither recent, nor topical, nor good, nor not terrible. I’ll tell you why [I’ll teach your grandmother to suck eggs]. It came on TV a few days ago and I, having not seen it in over a decade, remembering it was awful, but not remember exactly WHY it was awful, watched it in its entirety. It was then that I learned the dark secret of the movie about a spaceship that takes you to hell. The movie itself does the same thing.

For the first 5 minutes or so, it seems like you’re going to get some decent, self-contained sci-fi, then almost immediately and with no provocation everything turns bat-tits and the ship, which is also the Devil [spoilers] shows everyone creepy visions until they kill themselves or each other. Luckily the movie seem to give you a blue print for how to escape its life-suck field by constantly showing you people that have mellon balled their eyes out. It’s an easter egg that says, “Want to escape with your will to live in tact? Well pluck our your eyes and run a crossbow bolt through your ear canal like a toilet snake.”

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The HIJINKS ENSUE STORE Is where you can buy stuff that I made! It supports me and my family and keeps this littler operation going.

The only thing I was able to enjoy about Event Horizon was figuring out who the “before they were kind of famous” supporting cast were. The ship’s crew consisted of the mom/wife from Nip/Tuck, Lucious Malfoy, the kid from Mtv’s Dead At 21, the FBI dude from Terminator: TSCC (who seemed to be doing a fairly spot on Denzel impression the entire time) and a lady who I kind of remember from Prison Break.

If you haven’t seen Event Horizon in a while, or ever, PLEASE do not make any attempt to change that. You will seriously be carving off chunks of your own face before it’s over. Instead, maybe go check out Pandorum. It’s got the same creepy spaceship vibe + maybe there’s a monster, maybe just a killer type of situation and, in my opinion, it’s executed really well for a fairly low budget space-horror flick.

COMMENTERS: Is space-horror a genre now? Other than the ALIEN franchise what other films fit? I suppose 2001 does. The Predator and AVP franchises probably qualify more as action than horror. Something to think about.

Speaking of Event Horizon, my friend Corn Mo made a damn fine rock and roll song about that terrible sack of space-shit. Here’s a VIDEO for it.

Speaking for Corn Mo, if you like A Gamge Of Thrones and songs, he has gone to the trouble of combining them for you. Two great tastes that taste bleek and ominous together! Video HERE. Buy the song HERE.