Causality And FX

Alternate Title: Tera Novella

Before you jump up my ass, YES I know they wrote off the possibility of a paradox in the pilot of Terra Nova by saying the past they travel to is in an “alternate time stream.” More on why I think that’s bullshit later.

Ok, so I gave the Terra Nova pilot a shot. The short version is that it’s Jurassic Park meets Avatar with a little bit of Lost thrown in for good measure. There’s dinosaurs and humans juxtaposed, there’s escaping a dystopian Earth in favor of a hostile but majestic jungle environment and there’s “no matter what you were, you get a second chance ~~on the island~~ in the past” to round out the premise. There are even a group of “others” to add a little mayhem and mystery.

Let’s start with the shitty future humanity traps itself in. Fans of sci-fi will find nothing new about the present day future of Terra Nova. It’s all well trodden ground. Humanity destroys itself with greed, overpopulation and environmental devastation. The air sucks, the living quarters are tiny and only the most wealthy and connected don’t live on the brink of extinction. Through a coincidence, seemingly caused by parking two supercolliders next to each other, scientists discover a “fracture” to 85 million years in the past. A probe is sent through, assuming it will automatically show up somewhere in the present. When it doesn’t they determine this past is in a different time line, so it’s ripe for exploring, and settling and butterfly stepping on without fear of paradox… IN OUR UNIVERSE. What about the present of the parallel Earth whose past they are invading? Maybe they didn’t fuck up their planet. Maybe the first person who goes through that portal commits planetary genocide. Why is that not a concern?

Anyway, they decide the only future for humanity lies 85 million years in the past so they start sending settlers through the portal to establish a new colony. It isn’t explicitly stated, but I assume the idea is “Our Earth is fucked. Everyone on it is going to die. Screw those guys. The people in the past and their descendants are going to be the only humans to survive long term.” Seems a bit short-sighted. Why didn’t they just invest all that future know-how into a more advanced space program and work on terraforming and colonizing Mars? Oh… right. Because then they wouldn’t have a show where people get chased by dinosaurs.

The dinosaur effects are passable, but shockingly NOT up to snuff with the original Jurassic Park. How does that film keep aging so well? All in all, the 2 part pilot was rather enjoyable but rife with confusing, nit-picky plot holes and story difficulties that could prove too big to overcome without alienating the hardcore sci-fi fan (again, the “alternate time stream = go nuts, do whatever we want” thing will never stop bothering me). I will say the characters and the pacing are a DRASTIC improvement over Spielberg’s last genre TV outing Falling Skies. There was a decent dose of family drama, but it didn’t weigh the whole show down like it did on Falli… 7th Heaven + Aliens.

I will probably give Terra Nova at least a good 4-5 eps to show me what it’s got, though I find it nearly impossible to concentrate on the plot with all the Jurassic Park jokes I keep making while watching it. Every time General Avatar showed Main Character Cop/Dad a new area of the compound (especially his living quarters which looked suspiciously like a page out of the IKEA catalog), I couldn’t stop myself from blurting out “Spared no expense!”

COMMENTERS: Did you see Terra Nova? Any thoughts? [posting mine in a few minutes, check back and refresh]

Don’t Excrete Guano Where You Eat

“Alfred, have you pressed my bat pantaloons? And shined my bat spats? Then I’m off to fight crime, right wrongs, serve justice, be the instrument of vengeance… and get a little pussy on the side.”

You guys are lucky I have a modicum of restraint. This comic very nearly included the phrase “his dynamic dong-o.”

Latest comics controversy: Did DC ruin two more female characters? [Shows the post-coital image in question]
The Big Sexy Problem with Superheroines and Their ‘Liberated Sexuality’
DC Relaunch Snap Judgments, Week 3: WTF, Catwoman‘s Boobs?

COMMENTERS: Do you think DC is just grasping at straws and pandering to the lowest common boner denominator? Or are they really showing modern, liberated, sexually empowered characters? What other outrageous hookups or super-sexual exploits might get more eyeballs on DC’s filth rags? Here’s what my buddy David, has to say on DC’s “retooling” of Starfire.

Transport Me Up Into The Spaceship, Scotchy

I know you can’t really use “Swiss” as a noun, but at least I didn’t just say, “some Swede.” I have a feeling the Swiss and the Swedes have a sort of GoBots/Transformers style rivalry. Like they probably came out at roughly the same time, but one of them (I’m not saying which one, but I think you know) was clearly superior in terms of marketing and originality. I also get the impression the Prime Minister of Switzerland is an enchanted swan that occasionally takes human form to hand out pastries to good children. Or maybe that’s just Bjork. She’s from Iceland which is either near and very much like Switzerland or not at all. I think they both have ice hotels.

So it looks like physics as we know it might just be a bunch of crap. You see, these scientists at CERN have been shooting neutrinos (not to be confused with the pseudo new wave/punk rock aliens for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) at Italy for some time (which seems like an act of war), and they appeared to be arriving shortly before they left. Well, not really, but they were appearing sooner than they should have. Sooner than light, in fact. Light shows up in Italy the the neutrinos are acting all casual, stretched out on the sofa, sipping a creme soda and being all, “Oh, hey light. I guess you finally decided to show up. I’ve been waiting for you for like 60 nanoseconds. I was about to call the police and make sure you hadn’t been murdered or whatever.”

I say all of that to A) Intimidate you with my obviously superior knowledge of science, and B) to say this: I guess we don’t really know anything about anything, and I find that kind of terrifying and exciting.

COMMENTERS: Do you believe the findings will hold up to scrutiny or be replicable? Do we need to start rewriting physics? Will this discovery finally get us to a world more like Star Trek? Can it please?

The Weeping Fanboys

Thanks for understanding guys. I am just swamped right now. There will be a proper new comic tomorrow.

~Joel

COMMENTERS: I assume many of you bought the Star Wars Blu Rays. Feel free to express your opinions, positive, negative or neutral, in the comments.

Splitster

Reed Hastings seems like a made up CEO name. Like someone that moves to Hollywood and changes their name to Selby Feingold to Rock Explosionhole or somehting. I feel like this guy has the right idea in wanting to hedge his bets that streaming will overtake physical media for movie distribution in the coming years, but his decision to split Netflix into two companies (thus raising prices, and confusion for customers) is definitely shortsighted. The real problem for me is that neither side of Netflix, streaming or DVDs by mail, was really worth my money. It was the combination of both services for one price that made it worth while. I only take one physical DVD from them maybe ever 6-8 weeks and I only watch 4-5 streaming shows a month (most of which are for my daughter). All of that in total was worth the $9 I was paying. Of course now that fee is $16 and soon it will be split between two sites with two logins and two different credit card charges. I’m not entirely sure what the fee breakdown is going to be when the dust settles, but I have a feeling I will be far less enthusiastic about keeping both services, which in turn will make me less likely to keep either.

Unless Netflix come out in the next couple of months with some KILLER content deals, I don’t see me sticking around for that long. They are going to need something along the lines of EVERY major hollywood release available for streaming no more than 30 days after the DVD hits stores to keep their product viable. Something tells me that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. The only thing that makes me hesitate abandoning them in favor of other streaming sites and RedBox is the back catalog. If I really want to see The Last Starfighter and I don’t already own it, Netf… Qwikster is going to be my only legitimate option… unless that movie is already on streaming. I haven’t checked.

I think Hastings needs to integrate his “divide to accommodate” strategy into every aspect of his life. “Hey kids, from now on the person known as ‘Dad’ is going to split into two entities. ‘Dad’ will still be around if you need advice on dating, or help with your homework, but when you step out of line, don’t clean your room or break curfew you are going to have to answer with ‘THE PAIN HAMMER.’ Remember, ‘Dad’ will always love you and be there for you, but ‘THE PAIN HAMMER’ is going to crush you.

COMMENTERS: What other changes or alternative delivery methods could Qwikster implement to grab our attention? What other companies or institutions could be broken up into smaller, more confusing entities? Perhaps “The Post Office” will still sell stamps and envelopes, but if you actually want to mail something you have to deal with “BlergBlorg,” the Internet startup that consists of mail trucks that randomly drive around major US cities collecting mail from people lucky enough to find them. Also, who already owns the Twitter names of the new companies? @BlergBlorg belong to a convicted sea lion rapist.

Serious question: If you have Netflix, are you going to keep both services? Just one? Neither? Why?