The Unforgivable

“George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!!

Everyone involved in THIS should be ashamed of themselves forever.

Are Metallica just trolling their fans now? Did suing 800,000 Napster users not do a good enough job of alienating them? The bitter sting of St. Anger was starting to fade and Death Magnetic was actually pretty good, so… what? They have to try even harder to make sure everyone despises them? Does their pact with Satan expire of their number of fans grows past a certain point? Are they the Speed of speed metal? Are they involved in some kind of Brewster’s Millions situation where they lose their inheritance unless than can shed 30 million fans in 30 days? Are they a 30 year long performance art piece designed to explore the limits of a fan’s commitment to a band, and expose what it is to truly love something, only to have it hate you so hard you implode under the weight of your own sadness? I bet it’s that last one. The simplest explanation is often the right one.

COMMENTERS: Please come up with other projects Metallica brainstormed before opting to collaborate with Lou Reed. Is Lou Reed the linch pin in this whole thing? Do they love him so much they would make terrible music just to please him? What artist (music, acting, etc) would you make that kind of sacrifice for and what would their terrible pet project be? What role would you play in it?

Is Your Incorporeal Clock Ticking?

“George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!!

Me, Randy Milholland, David Willis, Danielle Corsetto, Jeph Jaques, Rob Denbleyker and MORE will be at the Dragon’s Lair Webcomic Rampage panel/signing event on December 10th and 11th. It is always a good time. Austin Fancy Bastards should NOT miss it.

More details HERE.

Of the recent slate of new shows, I’d have to say American Horror Story is probably my favorite. That title comes with an asterisk, however. The creators of the show, are also the creators of Nip/Tuck and Glee. Their pedigree screams, “GREAT CONCEPT! GREAT FIRST SEASON! THEN EVERYONE STARTS ACTING LIKE CARTOONS AND THE WHOLE THING TAKES THE SUCK TRAIN TO SHIT TOWN FOR 5 MORE SEASONS!!!” AHS has been showing some of the Nip/Tuck stink since day one (in that people, haunted or not, continually behave in ways that human beings would never behave, so much so that it begins to distract you from the story), but it has managed to balance that out by also keeping the plot moving and continually surprising the viewer.

It also suffers a bit from having no likable characters. Not one. Not one who is living, at least. Some of the ghosts are sympathetic, but they also suffer from being extremely one note as ghosts are wont to do. I get the idea that being stuck between realms with unfinished business might lead one to having a very singular focus, but eventually the ghosts constantly chanting their one desire over and over gets annoying. Add to that the fact and all of the living human characters are also dumb as tombstones and things get more annoying still. The ghosts are the only ones that seems to have understandable motivation. “I was murdered and I am pissed about that HAUNT HAUNT HAUNT” is more relatable than “If we move out of this crazy murder house where ghosts keep trying to murder us with ghost murder we would be upside down on the mortgage.” That said, these are flaws in what is still a VERY compelling show. Jessica Lange just steals the screen every time she’s on it. The whole thing is almost worth it just for her performance. I give it a strong recommendation, especially considering this week’s episode, which was a real game changer for the series. Just as it seemed like they had already run the entire course of the premise they have found a way to keep the family connected to the house for the foreseeable future, which is not contrived or lazy.

I do kind of want to see Quinto and the other ghost-gay get the babies. My Two Ghost Dads would be a fantastic phantasmic spin-off.

COMMENTERS: I was a little harsh on American Horror Story the first time around, but now I’ve warmed up to its cold, dead, etherial fingers. Have you given it a shot? What do you think? NO SPOILERS IN THE COMMENTS PLEASE, considering the severity of this week’s episode.

The Boy Who Waited

Nothing says, “I bought you some stuff from the Internet,” like buying people stuff from the Internet.

More details HERE.

In honor of The Doctor and my current allergy-related headsplosion, I am drinking a cocktail of Dayquil, Sudaphed, vodka and orange juice. I call it a Sonic Screwdriver*. I can’t say I’m happy that The Doctor is leaving for so long, but I would rather them make a great series than rush to meet some arbitrary deadline. Plus, The Doctor always comes back eventually.

My daughter is starting to figure out that Santa Claus isn’t real. [SPOILERS] Recently she’s said things like, “I bet scientists don’t think that Santa can really see everyone all the time,” and “I don’t think Santa’s reindeer can really fly. I bet they just walk everywhere.” I think I’m going to start telling her that Santa is and has always been a lie, because it’s The Doctor that brings her presents every year. Then we can leave fish fingers and custard on the fireplace for him on Christmas Eve.

COMMENTERS: Mofftatt said the incredibly long Doctor Who hiatus (Doctor Whiatus) is due to his feelings that new adventures in the blue box should start in fall. In this age of DVR’s, Netflix streaming, and all manner of time-shifted TV, does any of that really matter? Would we be better off if series were released all at once or in chunks, 6-10 episodes at a time?

Also, what are you doing to cope with the year long break from Doctor Who? Any shows taking its place? What about other activities? Do you go… outside? Do you know where outside is? Are their people out there? Please don’t tell them where I am.

*Seriously guys, do not try this.

Comfortably Numb

“Winter Is Coming” shirts are now IN THE STORE!!! [based on this comic]

Saturday 8-11 pm
Sunday 12-5 pm

**Q&A panels by reservation only!**
Sat: 6-8 pm
Sun: 10-12 before signings
8-11 pm after signings

There is a whole class of “gift” one may receive around the holidays that says, “Hey. I don’t really know you that well, nor do I care to. Here’s some bullshit I paid money for.” The Snuggie (the blanket with arm holes) and the Forever Lazy (the blanket you wear like a shame-suit while you go tailgating or play Wii) have the distinction of falling not only into this category, but all into the “Thing that solves a problem that isn’t really a problem at all and actually makes trying to solve that fake problem more difficult that using the thing you already have or just ignoring it outright” category.

These types of items flood the stores around December as if to say, “SHOPPING IT TOO HARD! BUY LIKE 40 OF THESE AND YOU’LL BE DONE AND YOU CAN GO HOME AND HATE YOURSELF!” They also play into the worst part of Christmas and other gift-giving holidays: the idea that buying something, ANYTHING, for someone is a requirement. Nay, an obligation.

I have successfully managed to strategically distance myself from most of my family in such a way that I A) Do not receive any bullshit X-mas trinkets, and B) Do not have to purchase any such bullshit for others. I buy gifts for my wife, my mother, my in-laws and my daughter. I know those people and I have a pretty good idea of what they like. Often that thing does not cost very much, if any money. My in-laws certainly don’t need me to spend money on them. They have plenty. We give them gifts they wouldn’t think to give themselves or something you can’t buy in any store. With my mom, it’s more about giving time, memories, etc. For the kiddo it’s about treating her to a few special or larger items than she would normally get during the year while simultaneously instilling the value of giving to others in her. Every year she has to fill up a box (sometimes 2 or 3) with toys that she doesn’t play with any more to donate to needy kids. This year she is doing that and using her own money from chores to purchase a new toy from the store to donate.

I say all of that to say this: When you see a commercial that starts with “Doing [insert extremely easy, every day task] is hard! Don’t you wish there was a better way?” DO NOT BUY THAT THING! No one wants it. No one needs it. Stop buying stuff for people just because you think you have to. Make something. Frame a photo of the best day you ever had with that person. Take them on an adventure. Knit a freakin’ scarf. Give them something that doesn’t have a direct monetary value and isn’t available at Best Buy. Otherwise you might as well just write how much cash you were intending to spend on a piece of paper, give it to the other person, take their slip of paper and work out the change owed.

I should probably mention that NONE of the above logic applies if you are giving gifts from The HE STORE or Sharksplode. Seriously. Go buy that shit up.

COMMENTERS: Whats the worst “Here’s some bullshit” gift you have ever given or received? One time I got a set of pocket knives (a SET of pocket knives… like 6… as if you would ever need more than one) with the last 6 U.S. president’s faces on them. If that doesn’t say “I have no idea who you are. Here, take this,” I don’t know what does. ALTERNATELY: What’s your favorite “As Seen On TV” product to hate? Mine is the “Make a giant cupcake” pan whose commercial starts out with “Regular cake is boring…” NO IT IS NOT. FUCK YOU. CAKE IS AWESOME.

No We Cain’t

“Winter Is Coming” shirts are now IN THE STORE!!! [based on this comic]

Saturday 8-11 pm
Sunday 12-5 pm

**Q&A panels by reservation only!**
Sat: 6-8 pm
Sun: 10-12 before signings
8-11 pm after signings

GUYS! Before you get your ballots all in a knot, I am not making fun of Herman Cain’s political views, his party or his policies. I am making fun of the fact that he quoted the Pokemon Movie theme song in a speech, that he might have gotten his tax plan from Sim City and the fact that he was actually a performance artist who punked the entire nation for like 6 months. I’m not entirely convinced that he wasn’t Banksy.

COMMENTERS: Please write a new campaign speech or slogan for Herman Cain using the cartoon theme song of your choice. Bonus points if you can work in Big Bad Beetle Borgs. Alternately, come up with a campaign platform based on a video game. Will you rid the country of illegal Koopa Troppa immigrants? Will we move to magic, floating coin-based economy?