Of Tradition And Obligation

Did you know I have published two books of my comics containing NEW COMMENTARY for absolutely every comic, embarrassing stuff I drew in middle school and high school, and LOTS more extras that have never been published online? Well, I did and I’m really proud of them and they have funny names and I think you should buy them.

First things first: The Cabin The Woods is really good. I mean REALLY good. It’s original and exciting and fun, and funny and SO VERY Whedony. The smart dialog is there, the heartbreak is there (in spades), as are the characters that you either love immediately, hate immediately, love to hate immediately or can’t wait to see get eaten by something terrible. At it’s core it is a horror movie, but in a world of Saws and Hostels and torture porn films that only exists to up the gore on their previous installment, The Cabin In The Woods takes the genre and turns it back into an actual genre of film making. It isn’t just a series of stabbings strung loosely together with nameless knife fodder characters. It builds a world, sucks you in and tells a real story. Also it’s hilarious. So funny that it could almost be classified a comedy before a horror film. Almost.

Every review or tweet I see regarding Cabin seems to emphasize, “GO SEE IT BEFORE SOMEONE SPOILS THE CRAZY TWIST!” I feel like that only applies to the average movie goer. A Whedon fan, sci-fi junky or geek aficionado should have the “surprise” figured out mere minutes into the movie. I actually pegged it during the opening credits. That isn’t to say it isn’t a fantastic premise or even that it’s well trodden ground. On the contrary. I just don’t believe there was a “I NEVER SAW THAT COMING!!!” moment, especially if you are already immersed in genre fiction. With that in mind, I can honestly say that no horror movie has ever taken this particular angle in terms of what the “big bad” actually is. Like I said, Cabin is original and refreshing and 100% worth your time and dollars.

I almost felt it was too meta to do a comic about a “Save Cabin In The Woods” campaign, since the film was actually shot in 2009 and sat on the shelf for 3 years. There was a time when it would have likely never seen the light of day. I am certain that Chris Hemsworth and Joss Whedon’s recently rising stars have more than a bit to do with it finally getting released. I imagine some studio exec looked at it like an investment portfolio that had suddenly matured. Odd that both Whedon and Hemsworth are now legitimized by the same franchise, if not the same movie.

I hesitate to say we’ve reached a point where our Whedon no longer needs us to save him. I would like nothing more, but I think the knee jerk reaction to get up in arms over his projects being treated unfairly by Hollywood will be with me for years to come. It’s probably a good thing I don’t know him personally, because I have a feeling I would cause a scene if we were at Taco Bell together and he asked for a chilli cheese burrito and got a regular bean burrito instead. He’d be all, “It’s not a big deal. They have basically the same ingredients in a different configuration.” And I’d be crying havoc and letting slip the dogs of war at a $6 an hour taco-teen with a caulk gun full of sour cream. What do you do when the guy whose back you have made it a habit of having, no longer needs your unwavering devotion? I’m sure there are others out there that need our collective complaining power on their side. Maybe we geeks should just adopt the slogan: “SAVE WHATEVER SCI-FI SHOW IS ABOUT TO BE CANCELLED!”

I am going to be at Calgary Expo this coming weekend with Blind Ferret at booths 925/1025! The whole cast of Star Trek: TNG is going to be there as well, but you are probably more excited about seeing me or whatever. Right? RIGHT?! Well, you know who AIN’T gonna be there? Lieutenant Barkley. Fuck that noise, Space Admiral Dickhole. Broccoli or GTFO. MORE INFO HERE.

COMMENTERS: Feel free to give your SPOILER FREE impression of The Cabin In The Woods. NO SPOILERS AT ALL PLEASE.

Cryptidillated

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this “Fighting Time Lords” shirt for you!

I caught maybe 45 seconds of an episode of Finding Bigfoot a few weeks ago and the “expert” in “bigfoots” on the “show” kept saying things like “squatches REALLY love this time of night for goin’ out and fiddlin’ ’bout in the woods,” or “these ain’t sqautch droppings. I can tell by the taste,” and “one thing a squatch really hates is when you keep saying SQUATCH all the time.” They also hate that they are make believe and thus don’t get a lot of respect. This dude was just throwing out details and factoids about this fictional beast left and right. He had obviously done his homework (i.e. reading Wikipedia or listening to an elderly dementia patient in a rocking chair on a porch of the nursing home where he was raised as a ward of the state after his parents were mauled to death by a squatch). It’s one level of bullshit to go on TV and pretend noises are ghosts and different noises are bigfoots, but it’s a whole different tub of shit to pretend to be a certified ghost expert or squatchologist.

COMMENTERS: Please share your brushes with the paranormal. Did you ever know anyone that was convinced their leaky pipes and aging duct work were sweet spirits from the beyond? My uncle was convinced that a ghost named Gary lived in his house and kept hiding his things. He was a particle physicist, so maybe Gary was just a big clump of Higgs-Boson particles trying to dark matter all up in my uncle’s cedar chest for loose change. Alternately you may offer up for silly names for silly shows. How about Noise Listeners, Spook Havers, or Enthusiastic Yeti Patrol?

I made some blank comic templates that you can print out for your kids. My daughter has already made a couple of comics about our cats magically transforming into different animals.

Earth’s Most Magnetic Heroes

Wow, we haven’t seen the Evil Fox Executive in a LONG time. I know Fox doesn’t have anything to do with The Avengers, but who else could be behind such a nefarious plot besides Joss Whedon’s oldest nemesis? Who else would want to take something good and geeky and pure like The Avengers and turn it into a commercial for fucking bullshit “magic” magnetic bracelets?

I’ve shared my thoughts on the carnival scam that is Magnetic/Hologram/Power Bracelets in the past. Let’s just say I am not in favor of them as those who sell them prey on the uninformed with parlor tricks and chicanery. In exchange for a bit of misplaced blind faith and $25 – $50 each mark gets the promise of a no effort, no side effect miracle cure for basically everything and the only convincing they require is a bit of slight of hand and some extremely vague technobabble. I seriously want to rage-flip the kiosks selling these things every time I see them in the mall.

So why am I upset about them again? Apparently there is a subplot in The Avengers that involves Tony getting a set of magnet bracelets as a gift which inspires him to make a new suit of armor (possibly his current nano-tech/neural interface armor). This would be innocuous enough (you can see him putting them on when he confronts Loki), except that Marvel and Paramount are actually shilling for a real $200 bullshit magnet bracelet that you can actually buy if you are A) the stupidest dummy in the world B) suffer from the fictional condition known as improperly polarized blood and C) do not understand that $200 is a lot of money which can be spent on things that are not fucking bullshit.

I uncovered this dastardly plot when watching a 7 minute prequel motion comic concerning all of the movie incarnations of Iron Man’s armor. I felt like such a fucking asshole when, during the last 30 seconds, I realized the entire thing was a set up for an ad for the bracelets. Motion comic’d Tony, upon receiving the gift, actually says “Don’t I see a lot of professional golfers and athletes wearing these?” to which Pepper replies, “They are considered a medical assistive device in China.” You know what Ms. Pots? So is ground up tiger dick! How dare they interject this fucking anti-science horsefuck into the biggest geek movie of the year?! They might as well have The Hulk raving about those Japanese foot pads that suck all the negative energy out of your body “just like the roots of a tree” because people are essentially trees and Hulks are essentially idiots. Fuck this noise. I wanted to love everything about this movie. I bet Cap keeps his 80 year old abs in such great shape wearing one of those belts that electrocutes your fat until it magically turns into an 8-pack. Just 4 easy payments of GO FUCK YOURSELF and you to can possess the abdominal excellence of a super soldier!

COMMENTERS: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! Am I overreacting or not reacting overly enough? Is it possible this whole thing is just a silly plot point that I have somehow self-trolled? If so, then whey is there a REAL tie in magic magnet bracelet for sale that claims to have wondrous health benefits? This isn’t just some over priced limited edition movie prop. These jackoffs actually claim “voodoo blood magicks” will occur when you wear their jewelry. Tell me I’m not crazy.

C2E2 2012 Fancy Sketches

Please enjoy these sketches I did for some Fancy Bastards at C2E2 in Chicago last weekend. I would like to eventually collect all my my convention sketches and artist edition books sketches into an eBook and call it “I’m Sorry I Ruined Your Book.” Maybe I’d put it up for a few bucks or a pay-what-you-like type of thing. Just as idea.

Being that I am smack in the taint of convention season (roughly the middle) I feel like I’ve been on tour. I got home from Seattle… yesterday? Last week? I have no idea. I was home for a 8 days or so and then I went to Chicago. I got home from Chicago all of 14 minutes ago and now I’m about to get on an iceplane to Canada for Calgary Entertainment Something Something Expo where I will be entertainingly expo’ing with Blind Ferret next weekend. I really love this job, and I consider doing conventions to be more of a perk than an obligation, but I am certainly ready for a good month or so where I don’t leave Texas… or my house… or my office. I have 150 ideas for things that I need actual, uninterrupted time to accomplish. Comics, shirts, things that are not comics or shirts… IDEAS! FOR THINGS! NEED TIME!

One nice side effect of going to several conventions in a row is that I’m getting to see my comics friends more often than I actually see my local friends. One of the biggest negatives about working alone for me is the lack of creative collaboration. Put me at a bar with 3 other professional funny types and the ideas just start flowing. Convention bars are the Cardiff rift to my creative TARDIS. Yes, I just made that analogy. Just last weekend the boys from Explosm and I outlined a musical (that we might actually make before the end of time), invented Satanic Gospel music, and did about a 100 ragtime, swing and early jazz renditions of 90’s nu-metal songs and/or songs from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Someone should be recording this stuff and putting on the internet in some sort of downloadable format. Too bad that’s an impossible dream given today’s technological limitations and strict regulation of all media by the Freemasons. Oh well.

COMMENTERS: I am a little spent, so feel free to comment or question based on any of the topics rased in the sketches above.

Of Tooth And Claw. Of Blood And Stone.

Strange things happen to me when I travel. I basically suspend the need for regular sleep and go into a sort of survival mode fueled by adrenaline, alcohol and copious amounts of meat. I become a creature not of reason, but of instinct. I become… a BLOODWOLF! Also sometimes I am chased by them through airports. I am alternately one OF them or tormented BY them. It depends on how long my flight is delayed or when the last time I had any coffee was. Anyway, the underlying condition that brings on the Bloodwolves is called Plane Madness, and I promise that you do not wish it on your worst enemy (my worst enemies are the rival pack to the north known as Cave Wolf Clan).

“George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!!

Plane Madness, scientists believe, stems from the unbelievable amount of horseshit you have to deal with in modern day air travel. Pat downs, porno scanners, oversold flights, lost checked bags, lost CARRY ON bags (seriously this happened to me once), missed connections, confusing terminals, other passengers, people in general… it’s all just maddening. Since I am traveling A LOT these days in order to peddle my wares and sundries at various comic’ed book type conventions, I am subject to the throws of Plane Madness more often than the average ~~Bloodwolf~~ human person.

The incredibly odd thing about my condition, and you may know this if you follow me on Twitter, is that in order to keep my tenuous grip on reality during the onset of Plane Madness I have to immerse myself in fictional scenarios that are somehow less terrible than the chaos that is actually happening all around me. Obviously a pack of blood-hungry wolves terrorizing the terminal is preferable to the realities of air travel, so The Bloodwolves were born.

I feel like I’ve over-explained this concept in a big, confusing mobius strip now, but I am still recovering from C2E2 in Chicago last weekend and my brain is not yet fully de-wolfed and re-brained yet. I had a lot of fun at the con. Thanks to all that came out and said hi, got a sketch or bought a thing. The guys from Explosm and I wrote a musical at a few different bars over the course of the weekend. Who knows if we’ll remember it all and actually write it down before the Bloodwolves devour our memories with their bone-magics in order to conceal their existence. Oh, you didn’t know they did that? Of course you didn’t. That’s how you know it worked.

COMMENTERS: Have you ever suffered from Plane Madness? What about Road Trip Tripping or Train Dementia? What about just general Travel Insanity? Only in sharing your experiences can you begin to understand the Bloodwolves’ plan for you.

I wrote this comic on my iPhone at 30,000 feet, and subsequently drew it on my iPad using Paper by 53 and an Adonit Jot Pro stylus. I pieced it together and added text in Photoshop when I got home. Other than that, I have no explanation for what the hell it’s all about. The Bloodwolves were guiding my hand.