What Did You Blu, Ray?

I’m fairly certain “Batman and Robin” was never actually unleashed on the public in 1080p super-crisp-bat-nipple-ocular-assault format, but the possibility alone is enough to make me wear a welder’s mask at all times. If you are foolish enough to watch “BatNips” please do so through an appropriate Rifftrax filter.

I honestly thought I would never have to comment on the HD format war again, but in an unprecedented and uncharacteristic display of non-douche behavior, Warner Brothers is letting you trade your Warner HD-DVD’s for their BluRay equivalent. You do have to pay $5 + shipping and send in the paper insert from each disc, but you get to keep your HD-DVD’s. I think it’s WB’s way of saying “we don’t want that busted shit in your house.”

Warner Bros. is obviously admitting a mistake here. They are apologizing for their unfortunate part in a partisan war that was designed from the ground up to divide the geek population and cause heavy casualties. Given this new found conscience, I would like to formally ask Warners to provide reparations for anyone that purchased any of the following WB items:

  • Metallica’s “St. Anger”
  • Paris Hilton’s Album (I refuse to look up the title, but let’s just assume it’s called “MoneyTitsVagFlash”)
  • Dawson’s Creek on DVD (Why did Joey have to end up with Pasey!? Why didn’t Dawson show her how much she meant to him when he had the chance?!)
  • One Tree Hill on DVD (Why did Chad Michael Murray have to leave Dawson’s Creek!? Why!?)
  • “Comedy” albums by any of the “Blue Collar” dudes… actually, no. I take that back. If you bought these you deserve no mercy. Wallow in the anguish you have created for yourself. Despair for all eternity in loneliness and shame.

If you have a stack of dusty maroon boxes and want to get nice new shiny blu ones, check out red2blu.com for instructions. I wonder if the other studios like Universal will jump on board with this concept. I wonder if now might be a good time to go pick up a bunch of WB HD-DVD’s for $10 in bargain bins and start trading them in. The whole Harry Potter series? Anyone? I’m just sayin’.

The lost Toshiba press conference

The match can be explained, but why did he have a gallon of gasoline behind the podium?

With Warner Bros. planting their flag firmly twixt Sony’s Blu-Ray buttocks, only Paramount and Universal remain married to HD DVD. I was pulling for the maroon boxes (though I refuse to commit to one or the other) because they are cheaper to produce, cheaper to buy, the players themselves are cheaper, and the tech is (sort of) better if only for the fact that the spec is finalized and the features work on every player currently being sold. If that makes no sense to you, you probably aren’t aware that the Blu-Ray spec IS NOT finalized and most of the players on the market right now will not be able to take advantage of the features on Blu-Ray discs coming out, say, tomorrow. The PS3 is the only acception, since it’s such a hoss of a machine they can continue to upgrade its features through software as Blu-Ray evolves.

CES happened this weekend, and Toshiba was going to have an HD DVD “State of the Format” press conference… until they heard about WB ditching them for blu-er pastures (I guess this means I’m rebuying all of Dawson’s Creek on Blu-Ray now). The Tosh packed up their embroidered swag bags and said, “I’m taking my maligned high definition format and GOING HOME! NYEAH!” The ONLY right thing for the HD DVD Consortium to do right now is gracefully admit defeat. Not because they are definitely going to lose (though the outlook isn’t good) but because they now have the power to end the format war and reunify the fractured consumer masses.

Josh and I were in Best Buy this weekend looking through the various next gen discs. Battlestar was on HD, as was Bladerunner. This is good news because Josh has the HD DVD Xbox add on. But LOST was in a translucent blue box. Well, god damnit, we want High Def Jack and Kate and such too! We’re not going to drop $400 for a PS3 just so we can support both competing formats (Eli did exactly that). No one cares about the studios behind the movies and shows we love. We WANT to give you Hollywood douche-tards our delicious monies. Why are you making it so hard.