The Hand That Feeds

NEW Doctor Who/Dr. Seuss Shirt at Sharksplode!

Doctor Who Dr. Seuss T-Shirt, Rory Centurion, Shirt Pandorica, Horton Hears a Who, Horton Hatches The Egg, Rory Hears A Who And Hatches The Cube, Rory Pond, Rory Williams,

Did you know the horrifyingly deformed Hand Turkey is the official mascot of Thanksgravy? Each year on this day, little children leave a ladle full of gravy under their pillows and while they slumber, bellies plump with yams and holiday spite, the Hand Turkey will come to visit them. If he deems them good and virtuous and sufficiently crammed with pie and/or hungover, he will leave a gift under their pillow. And sometimes on the floor next to their bed. And often right on their miserable little cranberry sauce stained faces. He’s a generous bird. A loathsome, self-hating bird, but a generous one none the less.

How about you make your own Thanksgravy Hand Turkey and post a link to your masterpiece in the comments. If you post them to Twitter, use the hashtag #thanksgravy.

COMMENTERS: Please add to the myths and traditions of Thanksgravy and the Hand Turkey. 

Day 4 of Blind Ferret Shirtsmas! My Unicorn Poop shirt is only $7.95 TODAY ONLY!!!

Once You Get To Know Him…

Fighting Time Lords hoodies are at Sharksplode right now! Wibbly Wobbly Hoodie Warmy! 

I guess Frank Miller views the Internet as one big, rickety porch he can sit on, balling his fists and shaking a rake at “those damn kids” while incomprehensibly ranting heavenward about “rapists” and “whores,” and “Islamicism,” and “lawns,” “getting off of said lawns” and “all the XBox’ing.” It’s a shame when you have to reevaluate your respect for art when you find out the artist is a bit of a deranged, racist prick. I suppose Frank Miller’s more d-bagged tendencies are well know throughout those that follow comics proper. I was well aware of his “influential comics dude” status, but more so with his name being attached to movies that I rather enjoyed. Maybe each of his adapted works should include an asterisk after his name.

Frank Miller’s* Sin City
*That guy is a cantankerous fuck

COMMENTERS: Feel free to post your general thoughts on Frank Miller’s OWS rant. Is it harder to enjoy art when you learn the creator is a rapist, thieving lout… I mean, an asshole?

Thanksgravy: Full Sequence

“Doctor” shirts are back in stock! “Winter” shirts are back in stock! “George” Shirts are back in stock! And now we have all three of those designs in LADIES, LADIES, LADIES sizes! 

Funny Ladies Geeky T-Shirts from HijiNKS ENSUE - Doctor Who, Game Of Thrones, Star Wars, George Lucas, Charlie Brown, Calvin and Hobbes

“I will suspend the GraVaVavy sphere in a quantum neutrino field until it can be safely entombed in a sheep’s stomach then placed in my chest in place of my human heart. I will have the power of 100 pilgrims and the wisdom of 1000 turkeys! I will be… THE OMEGARAVY MAN!” 

Thanksgravy comes but once a year, but if we hold the true Thanksgravy spirit in our hearts and our giblet encrusted arteries, we can keep its blessings with us all year ’round. I spent Second Thanksgravy (it’s like Elevensies, but later at night and with more booze) this year with Josh IRL, his husband Jeff and some of their family and friends. It was a wonderful evening. Jeff made Josh a pecan pie using the authentic Luby’s Cafeteria recipe. Luby’s: Where the aged and infirm come to gum their final meal! 

Have you ever seen a Cherpumple? GIS that nonsense. It’s like leafing through autopsy photos. You want to look away, but you can’t. Also you get really hungry and ashamed at the same time.

One does not simply Cherpumple into Mordor.

COMMENTERS: Share your Thanksgravy stories. Ever had a non-traditional Thanksgravy? Weird food? Weird location? Weird family? How would you perfect the Cherpumple? What else needs to be crammed in a cake with all those pies?

I Yam What I Yam, And That’s All What I Yam

Quick, you Fancy Bastards! You have less than 24 hours to hide from your miserable families! NO! Don’t hide there! That’s the first place they’ll look! Make haste! Burry yourself under a mountain and wait out the forced interaction with people you moved extremely far away from as soon as you had the means!

HijiNKS ENSUE British Knights Shirt at Topatoco I am officially starting “The War On Thanksgiving.” For starters I’m taking out the “Thanks” because to assume everyone you encounter is of the Thankful persuasion is bigoted and small minded. Feel free to use my newly coined phrase “Xgiving.” You may also wear buttons or ribbons that say “NO THANKS.” If nothing else this will at least confuse your relatives and keep them from talking to you over this long and arduous weekend of feigned interest, false pleasantries and familial responsibility.

NEWS: Holiday Shipping deadlines for the HE Store have been posted. PURCHASE! PURCHASE EVERYTHING NOW AND ALSO FOREVER!

COMMENTERS: Fill in the details of the first Hobo Thanksgravy story or any Thanksgravv tale thereafter. Also, over the holiday weekend you may post your “War on Thanksgiving” thoughts on Twitter with the #xgiving and #nothanks hash tags.

The Special Sauce

I just can’t seem to remember to cancel my Black Friday sale in the HE Store. I sure hope no one is in the mood for savings, because they could really take advantage of my forgetfulness. If someone wanted to know more about the fantastic savings or the new products (including the first ever HE Button Pack!) I suppose they could click HERE.

If you celebrated Thanksgravy this year I hope it was both gluttonous and slothful. Mind was both as is evidenced by my massive hangover. Well, I’m not sure if you call it a hangover when you’re talking about pie but you get my drift. Conventional wisdom would say you can avoid pain the next morning my alternating pumpkin and chocolate pecan pie every half hour. My experiments prove this to be false and delicious.

The more I learn about Hobo Thanksgiving traditions the more fascinated and repulsed I am. I mean I am literally dry heaving with Hobo holiday knowledge and cheer. Did you know the King of the Hobos pardons one “gravy rat” each year? It’s really just a symbolic thing  because as soon as the rat escapes seven or 40 hoboes pounce on it with rusted cutlery that once belonged to a Denny’s. They are a proud and majestic people. I also learned that you can make Hobo Rat Gravy by stuffing a rat into a milk jug, adding equal parts grain alcohol and windshield wiper fluid and fast-aging it near a burning trash can. After a few hours you just add coffee grounds to taste and serve over… well, everything.

You may notice that this comic is going live severely after Thanksgiving. Go ahead. Notice it. I won’t punish you. That’s because I chose to spend the thankful times with those which I am most thankful for: my wife and daughter. Now that we’ve all had enough of each other I can return to those which I am second most thankful for: you guys. You magnificent Fancy Bastards. You may be second in my heart but you will always be first in my something something.