2015-09-23-sharksplode-conned-by-constant-consonants

Conned By Constant Consonants

2015-09-23-sharksplode-conned-by-constant-consonants

My Patrons got EIGHT TOTALLY DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF YESTERDAY’S COMIC with totally different jokes!!! WHAT?!?!? I KNOW!!!

Dearest Sharksploders, please help me get my Patreon over the $2000 hump. Comics is my full time job, but it doesn’t currently pay full time money. I’ve been doing a lot of freelance work lately (which distracts me from making comics) to make ends meet, and I’ve agreed to attend more conventions this year than I really feel comfortable with (which REALLY distracts me from making comics) out of financial fear. Every little bit helps and is QUITE appreciated.

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This is 100% true. There are certain words that I’ve struggled with spelling correctly my entire life, and with the advent of autocorrect and my advancing age I have fully decided to let Autocorrect Jesus take the wheel. I appreciate that my phone is willing and able to pick up the slack for my dwindling grey matter. I do wonder, though, if technology and humanity will even be so integrated that kids just aren’t taught… well, THINGS anymore. Like, would you get a call from your kid’s teacher saying, “Well, Johnny had a problem today. He was in the middle of the upgrade from 3rd Grade OS 6.08 to 3rd Grade OS 6.1 and he removed his USB cable. Now he’s in a coma and you’re going to have to come get him.” “WHY DIDN’T WE ENABLE SYNC OVER WIFI?! WHY?!?!” you’d scream to the heavens. “I HAVE FAILED MY SON! I NEVER EVEN READ THE END USER LICENSE AGREEMENTS FOR HIS SERVICE PACKS! I JUST CLICK AGREE!” You monster.

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Doing Tech Support For Your Parents

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Look at these t-shirts I made for you! Look at them, then complete the necessary steps to own them!

HijiNKS ENSUE Store t-shirts

 

This comic is too real. TOO REAL! I am baring WAY TOO MUCH of my actual true soul pain with this one. I spent the better part of the first decade of the 21st century trying to build computers faster than my mom could destroy them. It’d be neck and neck for awhile, but she always pulled out ahead eventually. She went through at least a half dozen computers (I count 50% internal component replacement as a “New Computer”) in under 10 years. Things got simpler when we finally bought a new in the box laptop, instead of me constantly building and rebuilding various Frankenstein’d desktop machines, but not by much. As of early this year she has a decent Macbook Pro, and the tech support needs have dwindled to all but naught.

Technology woes also decrease exponentially (not just for her, but for everyone) when you realize that no one has ever developed a usable and fully functional desktop printer. It’s just a thing that doesn’t exist. A myth. The Great North America Wood Ape, or Sasquatch of PC accessories. Nothing but blurry pictures and folklore. “Ol’ Jeb says he saw a inkjet printer what didn’t jam and had no trouble connectin’ to any computer ya threw at it. USB or wireless, so says Ol’ Jeb. ‘Course Ol’ Jeb’s blinder ‘an a stack of butts and twice as dumb, so…” Just admit defeat before you even join the battle and only have your photos, reports and various paper whats-its printed at copy shops. Their $150,000 laser printers make nicer prints and work better (which is to say they are only down about %40 of the time) than any paper ruining contraption you have access to. If you factor in the cost of the home printer, and the CONSTANT influx of replacement ink that somehow costs MORE than the actual printer, thus negating the logic of buying the ink instead of throwing the printer away and buying a new one… where was I? Oh yeah. FUCK printers. Don’t use them. They are poison garbage.

SHARKSPLODERS: Please relate your “tech support for the family” nightmares. Were raccoons involved? I bet raccoons were involved.

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200 Years Of Parenting

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Look at these t-shirts I made for you! Look at them, then complete the necessary steps to own them!

HijiNKS ENSUE Store t-shirts

Sometimes, as a parent, you have to put your foot down. You have to show a little tough love. Sometimes this means seeing your child’s laptop only has 5% battery left, but you don’t plug it in. You LET it die, because you know you told your kid to plug it in when it was below 10% and they didn’t. You LET them experience an entire 8 minute car ride to the grocery store without a full screen, digital entertainment experience. You bite your lip, and power through the tears. You hold your ground and you stand firm. You FORCE them to make do with their tablet, their phone, their smart watch, their 3DS and, in case theirs dies, your phone and also your iPad and probably your Kindle Fire and maybe just bring your laptop in case the other stuff doesn’t cut it.

Hey, Honda, Chevy and whoever else is listening: You wanna make a car that absolutely EVERY SINGLE PARENT in America will buy? Regardless of the size, fuel economy or price, just make it so up to five kids can play Minecraft simultaneously in the back seats. Put in the headrests or the consoles or where the airbags used to be. I mean, something has to go to make room for all the Minecraft hardware. Don’t even bother naming it. Call it “The Car Where All The Kids Can Play Minecraft While They’re In The Car.” Don’t even show a picture of it in the ads. Just a black screen with those words. Don’t even paint it. Use those stick on letters to write “Minecraft Car” on the windshield. Other parents will crane their necks and “ooh” and “ahh” like it was a god damn Tesla. Have a second 40 gallon fuel tank that JUST powers the Minecraft server’s battery. Make it ONLY run off a mixture of premium unleaded, and in-season avocados. NO ONE WILL CARE. Stuff the seats with scorpions and replace the steering wheel with a length of loose chain. You’ll sell a MILLION of them.

Call me. We’ll talk numbers.

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Gross Up Close

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My friend Kris, got me a present. Two presents actually. The first was a USB microscope. He had seen how much I enjoyed playing with his: (putting it on my keyboard to see all the weird gunk and hairs and garbage that sits undetected between the keys and the cavities beneath them, seeing how nothing in this world is actually smooth, checking out the seemingly impossible intricate weave patterns in ordinary clothing), so he got me one of my own. The second gift he gave me was knowledge or, rather, the burden of knowing. Knowing too much about what I am; what WE are. What horrible things; what pulsating, undulating barrels of wretched, oily hideousness our bodies are. I’ve seen too much. Like the man who stood on the edge of the void and saw only the blackness within him staring back, I know too much.

potter and daughter podcast logo hijink ensue

When my Patreon reaches $2000/month I’m going to release a new podcast where upon I interview my 7 years old daughter as she reads through the Harry Potter series. It’s called Potter And Daughter and it’s awesomefreakinadorableashell! More details HERE.
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The first thing you do when someone hands you a super powerful, digital microscope hooked up to a laptop is put it on your arm. You think, “Wow! My skin is so textured and my hairs are HUGE and… what… what’s that?” You see a weeping pool of bright red blood, surrounded by a layer cake of craggy, almost transparent chips of skin. You quickly remove the microscope to see how much longer you have to live, only to discover that this wellspring of erupting platelets and plasma is just a tiny red dot. Not even an injury. Just a dot. You put the microscope back and once again are greeted with the intricate carnage of what it is to be man. All day, every day we are just a collection of gaping sores, spilling out our vital fluids all over the place.

From our vantage point, four to six feet in the air, so far removed from all things tiny and precise, we don’t often see just how FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY GROSS we all are. But that was just a little blood and torn skin. What about my face? What’s going on in the pits and crevices of the visage that I present to the world? On the thing that is, more than anything else, me? Turns out it’s a GODDAMN HORROR SHOW. The reason I didn’t draw what Joel is seeing on the screen in the panels above is that I want you to be able to sleep tonight, or any night in the future between here and eternity. The best lesson I learned from “The Knowledge” is that nothing we do matter. We are too big and dumb and slow to actually effect anything on this planet and we are too tiny and frail and insignificant to effect anything off of it. I came upon this ultimate clarity when I saw my face under the microscope, saw the macabre nightmare that was me, washed it as best as I could then came back and saw how futile my efforts were. I might as well have used a garden hose to put out a wildfire. I’m gross, you’re gross, we’re all gross and then we die and the Universe doesn’t even notice.

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Dalek earrings my wife made! They’re in her Etsy store and ready to EXTERMINATE your… lack of perfect ear jewelry?

dalek earrings etsy science and fiction