2015-08-10-sharksplode-the-darkest-dip

The Darkest Dip

2015-08-10-sharksplode-the-darkest-dip

sharksplode-patreon-banner-200

NEW PATREON REWARDS
AND GOALS!!!

 

Become a Patron now and you can help
me release more eBooks of my comics and
sketches, bonus monthly Patron-Only comics,
an album of cover songs, a LOST EPISODE OF
THE HIJINKS ENSUE PODCAST
, and MORE!

Check out my Patreon HERE.

This is definitely not something I’ve ever done and CERTAINLY NOT something I’ve ever strongly considered doing. Nope. I’m not gross at all. Not even a monster in the slightest. This is the kind of behavior that got Hidden Valley Ranch its name. These are things you keep secret; keep hidden. We do these things in the shadows and then we do not speak of them or make eye contact for a good while afterwards. These are the Days of Depressing Dressing. This is the time of Ruffle-ations. These are crimes for which we shall surely be judged, sentenced, executed and sour cream-ated.

When I market this product (a mixture of 80% ranch dip, 10% chip crumbles and 10% distilled “giving up,”) I plan to call it “CRANCH!” The slogan will be “GOTTA GET DAT CRANCH!” or “DON’T GET BETWEEN ME AND MY CRANCH!” or maybe “DON’T LOOK AT ME! DO NOT LOOK AT ME! TAKE THE CHILDREN OUT OF THE ROOM! I DON’T WANT THEM TO SEE ME LIKE THIS! DON’T WANT THE BOY TO SEE HIS FATHER REDUCED TO THIS! TO SEE ME DEBASE MYSELF IN THIS WAY! YOU SHOULD GO! JUST GO! LEAVE ME! I’VE DONE THIS TO MYSELF! I DESERVE TO BE ALONE! NOW GIMME DAT SWEET CRANCH!”

Look at these Harry Potter Owl Post Earrings, Doctor Who Dalek Earrings and Star Wars Lightsaber Earrings my wife made!

Sharksplode Harry Potter Earrings Dalek Earrings Lightsaber Star Wars Earrings

 

Look at them with your eyes, buy them with your hands and jam them into your ears!

2015-07-01-sharksplode-sharing-size

Sharing Size

2015-07-01-sharksplode-sharing-size

THIS ISN’T AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL COMIC ABOUT ME! SHUT UP! NO IT ISN’T! I’M NOT UGLY CRYING YOU’RE UGLY CRYING! YOU’RE THE ONE! YOOOOOOOU’RE THEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOONE!!! *ugly cries into a Nestle Cookies & Cream bar for 20 minutes

Remember like 5-10 years ago when a big bag of M&M’s was just a BIG BAG of M&M’s? It was just an option. A choice. Do I want some M&M’s or do I want some-and-a-half M&M’s? Now the slightly bigger bag of M&M’s has all this preloaded judgement and shame. First of all, it provides the nutritional information for one serving, then goes on to the describe the bag as something like two and a half servings. A bit of nearly impossible math later and you feel bad for wanting to eat 28 M&M’s instead of 11. Then, as the panels above suggest, the bag is labeled “Sharing Size.” This is a masterful one-two punch of shame. First, it implies that only a gross garbage monster would eat the entire bag in one sitting. THEN it goes on to imply that only a gross garbage monster with no friends would eat ANY amount of M&M’s alone! This bag isn’t for you! It’s for you AND your friends! Call them up, “Hey dudes! You got plans for tonight? NOT ANY MORE! I’ve got a Nestle Crunch bar that breaks into 4 pieces and explicitly states that it is to be shared with my buddies! You’ll bring the beer and the music? SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING CANDY BAR PARTY!!!”

“Sharing Size” is such a horseshit excuse. It’s a smokescreen; a cop-out that absolves the candy company from any wrong doing if you eat a million candy bars and die in a chocolate ditch. “We told him to share. Did he heed our words?” Big candy bars used to be called “King Size.” Some still carry this nomenclature and I prefer it by far. It’s the exact opposite of “Sharing Size.” “King Size” implies that I am the sole RULER of this candy bar, and under no obligation to parse it out to the peasants groveling in their own squalor in the mucky fields far beneath the chocolate tower that contains my delicious throne. “Oh, the serfs are unhappy, you say? Let them eat SHIT, cuz the candy is for THE KING! It says so right on the wrapper.”