The Welcome Wagon


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There’s got to be more to it than warp drive, right? What about Mr. Clean Magic Easers? How could you consider a species for eventual admission into the United Federation of Planets if they can’t even get tough, baked on spaghetti stains off their glass top ranges? I say it breaks down like this: You want to roll with the galactic big boys? You need ten things. 1) Warp drive 2) Equality 3) Mostly functional government with short campaign periods, minimal television coverage, and strict caps on campaign donations to minimize big business influence 4) Press’N Seal Wrap 5) Magic Erasers 6) Dyson vacuums 7) Segways (Not that anyone actually uses them. We just need to see that you CAN make them.) 8) Multiroom DVR or GTFO 9) Peanut butter and jelly in the SAME jar (Same as with the Segway or a nuclear bomb. Just a proof of concept.) 10) … I don’t know. World peace or something.

COMMENTERS: What are the other necessities for initiating first contact with a new species? Should they have created, abandoned, re-created and re-abandon 3D movies? What are the hallmarks of true readiness to join the galactic society?  Should they have developed a method for merging a Pizza Hut AND a Taco Bell?

You can now purchase a super high quality 11×17″ print of any HE comic by clicking the “Buy A Print” button between the “Previous” and “Next” buttons in the navigation menu. If you don’t see it, try refreshing your browser cache.

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The Monte Crisco

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our University of Gallifrey Fighting Time Lords Shirt over at Sharksplode.

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The newly relaunched HE Store is up and running over at Blind Ferret. Please go check it out and maybe buy a book or a shirt or something. Shirts will begin shipping soon.

I fucking hate Applebees. I hate them so much that I feel like they must already know how much I hate them. Like some Applebees general manager walks past me in a grocery store and gets a shiver down his spine. He thinks it’s a ghost or maybe because we’re on the deli meats aisle, but it’s my hate. My freezing cold burning hate. It’s just the worst restaurant there is. The food, the service, the atmosphere, the food… all just terrible.

One time I ordered a chicken sandwich there and told the waiter I would like it with mustard. He informed me that wasn’t an option. I asked if they had mustard. He replied in the affirmative. I asked if the cook in the back had hands with which to apply the mustard to my sandwich. Again, affirmative. I restated my original request and he told me that the best he could do was to bring me a cup of mustard and a knife. I told him to go ahead and prepare the cup of mustard, pare it with a knife and simply deliver that whole situation to the cook who was preparing my sandwich and inform him of my sauce desires. He made this face like, “I know if I do this, it will be the end of me. If I ask him to put the mustard ON the sandwich… the cook will murder me with his non-mustard-applying-to-sandwiches hands.” He returned 15 minutes later with a sandwich, a cup of mustard and a knife.

I fucking hate Applebees.

And yes, I know the Monte Cristo Sandwich was a Bennigan’s thing, but they’re gone and Applesbees certainly has their fair share of ridiculous carnival food.

COMMENTERS: What restaurant do you hate and why? I don’t mean the place you don’t like to go. I mean the place that you will break up with someone over if they suggest going there. The place you will watch your children go hungry, rather than stepping foot inside. Mine is Applebees. Did I mention that? If not a restaurant, is there a business of any kind that has wronged you so much you’ll never spend a cent there again? VENT!

AC DEATH UPDATE: As some of you know, my AC diedrecently and Texas is going through its worst heat wave in some 40 years. If you enjoy my ability to make comics without dying of heat stroke, please consider making a donation, buying something from the store or buying something from Sharksplode. In the last week you wonderful Fancy Bastards have already donated over $1000 towards the AC repairs. Holy crap! What else can I say? I am humbled by your generosity and kindness.

My God, It’s Full Of Stars

HEY: If you enjoyed the rough-draft version of this comic that was posted earlier, it and more behind the scenes art from this comic (including the final panel with no speech bubbles for your mobile wallpaper having goodness) are RIGHT HERE IN THE VAULT. You can Donate or Subscribe to get access. This is also a great way of supporting HE and ensuring that there will be more comics to come.

So how have you enjoyed your first 4 official days of living in the future? Anyone do it with an alien yet?

What’s up for HE in 2010? First off I am officially starting a rumor that Josh will be killed off for good this year. Now spread that vicious untruth until it gets back to me!

I have a ton of awesome fun/stressful plans for HE this year, but I dare not speak them aloud lest ye all despair when I eventually fail to produce anything. Let’s just say I’m nervous and excited… like the first time you do it with an alien. Seriously? Who’s going to test the waters on this one? It’s 2010 for fuck’s sake.