The Monte Crisco


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I fucking hate Applebees. I hate them so much that I feel like they must already know how much I hate them. Like some Applebees general manager walks past me in a grocery store and gets a shiver down his spine. He thinks it’s a ghost or maybe because we’re on the deli meats aisle, but it’s my hate. My freezing cold burning hate. It’s just the worst restaurant there is. The food, the service, the¬†atmosphere, the food… all just terrible.

One time I ordered a chicken sandwich there and told the waiter I would like it with mustard. He informed me that wasn’t an option. I asked if they had mustard. He replied in the affirmative. I asked if the cook in the back had hands with which to apply the mustard to my sandwich. Again, affirmative. I restated my original request and he told me that the best he could do was to bring me a cup of mustard and a knife. I told him to go ahead and prepare the cup of mustard, pare it with a knife and simply deliver that whole situation to the cook who was preparing my sandwich and inform him of my sauce desires. He made this face like, “I know if I do this, it will be the end of me. If I ask him to put the mustard ON the sandwich… the cook will murder me with his non-mustard-applying-to-sandwiches hands.” He returned 15 minutes later with a sandwich, a cup of mustard and a knife.

I fucking hate Applebees.

And yes, I know the Monte Cristo Sandwich was a Bennigan’s thing, but they’re gone and Applesbees certainly has their fair share of ridiculous carnival food.

COMMENTERS: What restaurant do you hate and why? I don’t mean the place you don’t like to go. I mean the place that you will break up with someone over if they suggest going there. The place you will watch your children go hungry, rather than stepping foot inside. Mine is Applebees. Did I mention that? If not a restaurant, is there a business of any kind that has wronged you so much you’ll never spend a cent there again? VENT!

AC DEATH UPDATE: As some of you know, my AC diedrecently and Texas is going through its worst heat wave in some 40 years. If you enjoy my ability to make comics without dying of heat stroke, please consider making a donation, buying something from the store or buying something from Sharksplode. In the last week you wonderful Fancy Bastards have already donated over $1000 towards the AC repairs. Holy crap! What else can I say? I am humbled by your generosity and kindness.