Dumb And Number

I accidentally watched all of The Number 23 a couple of days ago. I non-accidentally live tweeted it in order to share my confusion and pain with as many human beings as possible. I was made aware of the movie’s horrific curse early on, but still I persevered. SPOILERS: It was truly a massive turd. It was a turd pie. It was a pie made entirely NOT of delicious pie filling and crust, but of turd.

One Tweeter pointed out my Twitter user # is 12,331,382, and 1+2+3+3+1+3+8+2=23. I refuse to check his facts or his math because that was a perfect bookend to an abismal movie-watching experience.

I’m trying out a new, simplified art style for the LoFi comics in hopes that I can bring them back as a regular feature on HE. The goal for the Lofi’s was always to be a supplemental strip that I could bang out in an hour or so vs. the 4-6 hours it takes to make a regular comic. In the end the only difference in complexity was that they were black and white, which honestly took longer than my normal coloring because I couldn’t use the standard color pallet I was used to.

With the new engine driving the backend of the site (thanks Phil!) I should be able to post LoFi’s whenever I want. Even if it’s on the same day as the regular comic. I’m working on having a permanent URL for the most recent Lofi comic (something like hijinksensue.com/lofi). Lofi’s do not show up in the regular archive. You can see a list of all of them HERE. They’ll show up in the regular RSS feed because the idea of multiple feeds seems dumb to me. It’s all funny pictures with funny words. Shouldn’t matter to the reader if the hard was easy or hard on the artist as long as the material is solid.

I’m also hoping to use the Lofi’s as a way to react to something in the world of Geekdom quickly and timely if I’m in the middle of a mini-storyline. Here’s hoping it all works out the way I want.


Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this “Fighting Time Lords” shirt for you! 

Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts,  nerdy shirts

I am going to be at Calgary Expo this coming weekend with Blind Ferret at booths 925/1025! The whole cast of Star Trek: TNG is going to be there as well, but you are probably more excited about seeing me or whatever. Right? RIGHT?! Well, you know who AIN’T gonna be there? Lieutenant Barkley. Fuck that noise, Space Admiral Dickhole. Broccoli or GTFO. MORE INFO HERE.

HijiNKS ENSUE At Calgary Expo 2012

I caught maybe 45 seconds of an episode of Finding Bigfoot a few weeks ago and the “expert” in “bigfoots” on the “show” kept saying things like “squatches REALLY love this time of night for goin’ out and fiddlin’ ’bout in the woods,” or “these ain’t sqautch droppings. I can tell by the taste,” and “one thing a squatch really hates is when you keep saying SQUATCH all the time.” They also hate that they are make believe and thus don’t get a lot of respect. This dude was just throwing out details and factoids about this fictional beast left and right. He had obviously done his homework (i.e. reading Wikipedia or listening to an elderly dementia patient in a rocking chair on a porch of the nursing home where he was raised as a ward of the state after his parents were mauled to death by a squatch). It’s one level of bullshit to go on TV and pretend noises are ghosts and different noises are bigfoots, but it’s a whole different tub of shit to pretend to be a certified ghost expert or squatchologist.

COMMENTERS: Please share your brushes with the paranormal. Did you ever know anyone that was convinced their leaky pipes and aging duct work were sweet spirits from the beyond? My uncle was convinced that a ghost named Gary lived in his house and kept hiding his things. He was a particle physicist, so maybe Gary was just a big clump of Higgs-Boson particles trying to dark matter all up in my uncle’s cedar chest for loose change. Alternately you may offer up for silly names for silly shows. How about Noise Listeners, Spook Havers, or Enthusiastic Yeti Patrol?

I made some blank comic templates that you can print out for your kids. My daughter has already made a couple of comics about our cats magically transforming into different animals.

Earth’s Most Magnetic Heroes

Wow, we haven’t seen the Evil Fox Executive in a LONG time. I know Fox doesn’t have anything to do with The Avengers, but who else could be behind such a nefarious plot besides Joss Whedon’s oldest nemesis? Who else would want to take something good and geeky and pure like The Avengers and turn it into a commercial for fucking bullshit “magic” magnetic bracelets?

The Doctor Is In T-Shirt, Funny Doctor Who Parody Shirt, Charlie Brown, Sci-Fi

I’ve shared my thoughts on the carnival scam that is Magnetic/Hologram/Power Bracelets in the past. Let’s just say I am not in favor of them as those who sell them prey on the uninformed with parlor tricks and chicanery. In exchange for a bit of misplaced blind faith and $25 – $50 each mark gets the promise of a no effort, no side effect miracle cure for basically everything and the only convincing they require is a bit of slight of hand and some extremely vague technobabble. I seriously want to rage-flip the kiosks selling these things every time I see them in the mall.

So why am I upset about them again? Apparently there is a subplot in The Avengers that involves Tony getting a set of magnet bracelets as a gift which inspires him to make a new suit of armor (possibly his current nano-tech/neural interface armor). This would be innocuous enough (you can see him putting them on when he confronts Loki), except that Marvel and Paramount are actually shilling for a real $200 bullshit magnet bracelet that you can actually buy if you are A) the stupidest dummy in the world B) suffer from the fictional condition known as improperly polarized blood and C) do not understand that $200 is a lot of money which can be spent on things that are not fucking bullshit.

I uncovered this dastardly plot when watching a 7 minute prequel motion comic concerning all of the movie incarnations of Iron Man’s armor. I felt like such a fucking asshole when, during the last 30 seconds, I realized the entire thing was a set up for an ad for the bracelets. Motion comic’d Tony, upon receiving the gift, actually says “Don’t I see a lot of professional golfers and athletes wearing these?” to which Pepper replies, “They are considered a medical assistive device in China.” You know what Ms. Pots? So is ground up tiger dick! How dare they interject this fucking anti-science horsefuck into the biggest geek movie of the year?! They might as well have The Hulk raving about those Japanese foot pads that suck all the negative energy out of your body “just like the roots of a tree” because people are essentially trees and Hulks are essentially idiots. Fuck this noise. I wanted to love everything about this movie. I bet Cap keeps his 80 year old abs in such great shape wearing one of those belts that electrocutes your fat until it magically turns into an 8-pack. Just 4 easy payments of GO FUCK YOURSELF and you to can possess the abdominal excellence of a super soldier!

COMMENTERS: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! Am I overreacting or not reacting overly enough? Is it possible this whole thing is just a silly plot point that I have somehow self-trolled? If so, then whey is there a REAL tie in magic magnet bracelet for sale that claims to have wondrous health benefits? This isn’t just some over priced limited edition movie prop. These jackoffs actually claim “voodoo blood magicks” will occur when you wear their jewelry. Tell me I’m not crazy.

Bantha’s In The Belfry

Ewok Stare T-Shirt Close Up

There are about 30 Ultimate Fancy Editions of HE Book 2 left and selling them ALL is super important in order for me to afford the full print run without having to go into the red. Order soon and you can still get your name in the book on the Fancy Bastard Wall of Fancy Fame. Once the final file goes to the printer (a few days, maybe more) that won’t be an option.

Just to clarify, when I say Midi-Chlorians I am, of course, referring to “Musical Instrument Digital Interface Chlorians.”

So either George Lucas recently Netflix’d Roland Emmerich’s 2012 and thought he was watching a documentary or he actually believes in the Mayan 2012ocalypse. Either way he’s a fool. A damned fool with a fleshy fanny pack strapped to his chin that he calls a neck. I assume it is either used to store nutrition for the long, harsh winters on Hoth or contains dozens of Admiral Ackbar action figures.

COMMENTERS: So what is Lucas up to? Is this just a ploy to sell a another special “Get It Before The End Of Days” edition of Star Wars on Blu-Ray? If he really does believe this horsecockery, what is his escape plan? Carbon freeze to ride out doomsday? Escape to Dagobah? Post your theories below!

Bad Astrologer

Preorder HijiNKS ENSUE Book 2!!!TIME IS NEARLY UP!!!!!:
This is your LAST WEEK to order an Ultimate Fancy Edition of Book 2 AND get your name in the book. Files go to the printer on January 15th. After that you will still be able to order a UFE but you will NOT necessarily be listed in the book on the Fancy Bastard Wall Of Fancy Fame.

Don’t want a stupid book? Check out The HE Store!

Bad news guys. The addition of a 13th Zodiac sign means you might have been reading the wrong horoscope for your entire life. Also you might have been reading horoscopes and believing them for your entire life which is additional (and more severe) bad news. It also means that Zodiac Killer should have killed at least one more person. This story is just full of missed opportunities.

Back to the Battlestar Galactica comparison for a minute: If you read the article linked below where the astronomer that started this whole thing explains the 13th celestial position, or whatever, he mentions that it is caused by a change in Earth’s orbit and relative position to other celestial bodies that cycles every 26,000 years. This has all happened before, amiright? And this will all happen again? Huh? Huh? I think my theory holds up.

Question for you BSG fans: Concerning the series Finale [SPOILERS], if modern scientists discovered Hera’s bones (the famous Australopithecus “Lucy” skeleton) and she was still 3 and a half feet tall, doesn’t that mean she died shortly after they reached Earth2? Did anyone else catch that or am I missing something? Puts even more of a downer on the finale. “Hey guess what? All those crazy mysteries? Space Angels. Also the baby died. See ya!”