2014-06-02-pornographique

Pornographique

2014-06-02-pornographique

This is a 100% true story about the time my good friend, David Willis, gave me a boner with his brain. Well, technically he drew the cards with his hands, so… yeah, he basically straight up gave me a handy. Looks, all I know is he had a brain and some hands and then there was art and shame. What more is there in life? Absolutely nothing. You got your brainhands, and your artshame and that’s it.

FANCY BASTARD BULLETIN! 
Tuesday June 3rd is my birthday (I’m almost positive I’m turning 33). If you like to help me celebrate, please feel free to check out:

The Patreon is honestly the greatest thing you can do for me in terms of making sure I am still able to do HijiNKS ENSUE as my full time job. Otherwise, I’ll happily take an Internet high five via Twitter or Facebook.

COMMENTERS: What could I possibly ask you relating to this topic that wouldn’t bring on a bunch of things I don’t actually want to know? How about this: Have you ever become a fan of a friend? This happens A LOT in my line of work, but have you ever known an artist or musician or pornographer or comedian in real life that you are now a genuine fan of outside of your friendship?

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I also made you this super cute Adventure Time/Doctor Who shirt. GO BUY IT! 

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Wheaton Comic Dare: Something Something Shark Vagina

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Guys, it’s never happened before and I pray it never happens again, but today Wil Wheaton issued a DOUBLE COMIC DARE based on this twitter conversation (and later this one) to both to me and Lar deSouza.

Somehow I survived this challenge of will and the results of my dare acceptance are above. Lar’s (which are VERY NSFW and honestly NSFANYONE) are here and here. Oh, did I forget to mention to have a gallon of eye bleach at the ready? Sorry. [More Wheaton Comic Dares HERE]

The 2013 DIGITAL FANCY SKETCH DRIVE is on like… a not off thing! I’m running low on money-style funds (like I usually do this time of year), so for $20 I will draw you just about anything (within reason). Check out the details and order yours HERE.

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ANOTHER THING YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD KNOW ABOUT! In addition to having her own photo restoration business, my wife has also started making super cool, ultra geeky jewelry on Etsy. You can see her Tetris necklace below and more geeky creations in her shop! 

tetris-necklace

 

Comments (13)

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Nathan deGargoyle's avatar

Nathan deGargoyle · 97 weeks ago

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHGGGGGHHHHH!
DuckAmuck's avatar

DuckAmuck · 98 weeks ago

Hmmm…. needs more cowbell.
Hotsauce's avatar

Hotsauce · 98 weeks ago

I have a friend, who has a tattoo. It was inspired by a cactus she had, the she felt looked just like an octopus. She calls it Cactopus. Except, she pronounces that ‘a’ like you would pronounce the ‘o’ in octopus. The mind reels.

1 reply · active 98 weeks ago

I’m going to have to insist that the producers of “Sharknado 2” include a scene of old Henry Winkler jumping his motorcycle over the sharknado.
PokeyPuppy's avatar

PokeyPuppy · 98 weeks ago

THAT NECKLACE! Amazing. I may have to get off my butt and actually work on my idea for a Katamari necklace (I have the beads, just haven’t tackled it yet).

Definitely getting off my butt to get a Tetris necklace, though. Brilliant!

Tagline: “This is one button you DON’T want to push”
Mousr's avatar

Mousr · 98 weeks ago

I love the tetris necklace, and showed the picture to my wife to ask if she would want to wear one. She said it was lovely, but no she would not, because it would always bother her that the bottom row hadn’t disappeared.

1 reply · active 97 weeks ago

Count the columns. 9 Instead of 10. The 10th column is empty.
safetyfirstkids's avatar

safetyfirstkids · 98 weeks ago

Clearly the answer to this problem is MEGALODONG VS CEPHALOPUSSY..
2013-04-30-lo-fijinks-high-in-fiber

High In Fiber

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Josh reminds us all of the tale of the ant and the grasshopper. The ant torrented terabytes of pornography to see him through the harsh winter and kept redundant backups of his data, both on external hard drives and in the cloud. While the foolish grasshopper had a paper bag with a Hustler, a Juggs and two Penthouse Forums, which he eventually had to eat to survive. And he DID survive. Up until he died, choking on a letter from a guy who “never dreamed this would happen to me, but…”

Google keeps announcing different, random shithole towns as test beds for Google Fiber. Yes, I know Austin, TX is on the list. Here’s the deal: if they are putting amazing, futuristic tech services in Austin BEFORE Dallas (where I am), then I know they aren’t taking this whole thing seriously. “Hello, Google Fiber? I’m in austin and I’d like to have fiber internet installed directly to my bong. Excuse me bongS. Why, yes, I AM a bass player.”

COMMENTERS: Have you ever had to wait for a fun, fancy or futurey tech service (or any kind of service) to come to your town or even your country? I know Canada JUST got Square. That shit changed my life. Does anyone NOT have Netflix at this point? What about something as essential as phone lines or power? WHY DON’T YOU HAVE POWER? DO YOU LIVE IN A VOLCANO?!

Comments (15)

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Craig's avatar

Craig · 111 weeks ago

I live in the arctic and depend on satellites for my internet. We can’t use Netflix because I’m pretty sure it would cause the satellites to explode and rain fiery doom down across Canada. My “high speed” is, on a good day, 3 mbps. It would make the baby Jesus cry. Or go on a homicidal spree with an axe. One of the two.
Neph Sy's avatar

Neph Sy · 111 weeks ago

I would just like to be able to get cell phone service in some of the rural parts of Canada I travel to. And decent internet, dial up is the only option in some areas, and it is a pain. All the sites are chock full of animated ads, you have to wait forever for them to load (or half load then stop). I was out in the boonies and trying to deal with customers in December who wanted rush shipping, so I spent all day trying to do basic shipping estimates.
This was not working, finally I had to phone the nearest couriers and post office and talk to a live person who was irritated that I needed them to get me estimates.
Seriously you don’t know how good you got it, until you have to deal with dial up.
Ninjin's avatar

Ninjin · 111 weeks ago

Check it out. I think you’d dig Provo. You could do well there.
I got no netflix, I’m 19, live with my parents and my family just never cared
Verizon ran fiber through my front yard; snagged my water line in the process. Turns out it was for one of their 4G towers, so I’m stuck with DSL. Everything [gas, muni water, cable, muni waste hauling, etc] seems to stop at the town line… half a mile that-a-way
KCFiba!'s avatar

KCFiba! · 111 weeks ago

Man, these grapes taste really sour for some reason…

Must not be from a Missouri vineyard!

FIBER LOLLERSKATES ARE FASTER!

el_b's avatar

el_b · 111 weeks ago

didnt know scar was in the scouts.
I could get FIOS if I lived 3 blocks to the east. But I was dumb and didn’t figure out that my nice house was actually still in Baltimore City until after I committed to moving in. Baltimore City has a monopoly order in place for Comcast until at least 2016. I’m hoping it doesn’t get renewed at that time but really what is their incentive for not renewing it? We aren’t likely to get Google Fiber any time in this decade.
They picked Shartpalace over Cleveland!? Damnit! Now I have to keep paying Time Warner through the nose!

1 reply · active 110 weeks ago

Omnomnom's avatar

Omnomnom · 110 weeks ago

There are worse orifices to have to pay TW through. Trust me.
My wife and I moved to Provo in 11 so I could do three years of grad school (the best deal we found). We promised ourselves we would move away, ANYWHERE, after the three years.
Now Google Fiber is coming to our dorky, podunk little town, and we’re not as sure about the moving away part.
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Guest Comic By William Tallman Of Reptilis Rex

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I’m at Emerald City Comicon RIGHT NOW having a motherbuttshaking PARTYPARTYPARTYPARTY!!! If you are in Seattle, come to booth 1106 (the Blind Ferret Booth) and SHAKE DEM HEALTHY BUTTS!  (also buy stuff from me)

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In my absence you are presently being treated to a guestual type comic from William Tallman, creator of Reptilis Rex. It is uncomfortably clear from the panels above that W.T. gets my sense of humor, gets my characters’ sensibilities and draws my characters better than I do. I’m not even going to ask if you enjoyed this comic (BECAUSE YOU DID), so in your pursuit of more haha-yuckyucks by Mr. Tallman I will direct you again (THAT’S RIGHT, TWO LINKS!) to his comic about a deposed Reptoid king from our very own hollow Earth who comes up to the surface and has a pretty shitty life. The cuteness of the pictures is designed to distract you from the undeniably honest sadness of the human reptoid condition. It’s funny!

COMMENTERS: Have you ever explored the expanded universe (novels, comics, CCG’s, whatever) of any particular popular culture element? Did you find comfort in delving into a larger universe which concerned a thing you already loved, or were you saddened when you found out Han Solo used to be partners with a space rabbit?