Things You Never Want To Hear Coming From The Next Stall

Instead of four panels of crazy nonsense, I should have just written the words, “ANY SOUNDS OF ANY KIND AT ALL,” because that’s truly what I can’t stand to hear coming from the next stall. Any sounds your body makes? Don’t wanna hear ’em. Any grunts, groans or words of self encouragement? No thank you. You taking a phone call mid-act? You’re a garbage person and I STILL don’t want to hear it. The artificial sound of keystrokes as you type out a text? OH MAN I HAVE SO MANY REASONS TO HATE YOU NOW. A) WHY HAVEN’T YOU TURNED OFF THE KEYSTROKE NOISE IN YOUR PHONE SETTINGS?! TWO) WHY ISN’T YOUR PHONE ON SILENT WHEN YOU’RE IN THE BATHROOM?! C) WHY ARE YOU COMMUNICATING WITH PEOPLE WHILE… OK, I can’t fake indignation on that last one, seeing as I am a poop texter myself. Still, all the while my phone and myself are DEAD silent.


Dearest Sharksploders, please help me get my Patreon over the $2000 hump. Comics is my full time job, but it doesn’t currently pay full time money. I’ve been doing a lot of freelance work lately (which distracts me from making comics) to make ends meet, and I’ve agreed to attend more conventions this year than I really feel comfortable with (which REALLY distracts me from making comics) out of financial fear. Every little bit helps and is QUITE appreciated.



Our Crowning Achievement

“Except for sometimes, when it doesn’t go far away. Then it just goes into a big metal bucket under the front yard and a truck has to come by every once in awhile to take it far away. So what kinda mileage you get on that space car? That a V8? V6? Whatcha’ got there? A flesh vaporizin’ ray gun?”

It would mean a lot to me if you signed up for Patreon and supported me there. Comics is my full time job, but it currently just barely pays full time money. Every little bit helps.


With this comic, I had two ideas along the same theme and sketched them both out. My Patrons got to see my alternate take on this comic’s theme! Were you such a Patron, you would have bonus comics as well!

I try to remind myself often to be thankful for plumbing. Not just plumbing, but INDOOR plumbing. I don’t have to go down the street to poop, or stand in line or wade through a crocodile infested river or anything! All I have to do is go to the room in my house that we’ve decided is the one place it’s ok to poop (I don’t remember voting on this, but there seems to be a pretty clear consensus among my family members and even our occasional guests) and do whatever disgusting thing comes natural.

In the uncomfortably recent past, people had to endure all sorts of ordeals just to poop and then get away from it. Sometimes they couldn’t get away from it at all! Other times they would get away from theirs only to be immediately confronted with someone else’s! MANY someones else! In Victorian England, you’d toss the contents of your poop pot into the god damn street, and be all, “Well, at least I don’t have to deal with my own poops anymore,” just as some other Victorian knob tosses their poops right out in front of you! Now you’re dealing with STRANGE POOPS! This is the worst kind of poops to deal with. It’s bad enough when they’re familiar. It’s a whole different story when they previously belonged to your neighbors and other various Victorian randos.

Indoor plumbing is a miracle. A fragile, beautiful, FRAGILE miracle. I say “fragile” because I know how much infrastructure is involved in keeping the pipes zooming the dooks away from the places where our children and pets sleep. When society starts to crumble in… let’s call it an even 15 years, we (just like the Pope) will be shitting in the woods. Then nobody’s gonna want to go in the woods. “Those woods were pretty nice, before the fall of Mankind,” they’ll say as they tear their neighbors trachea out with their bare hands because they heard the neighbor was hoarding clean water. “Yep, real sham about those woods,” they’ll mutter, arms awash in throat blood.

Oh, did you not know we were going to be killing each other over water before the current slate of Marvel movies has been released? Well, we are. If you need more evidence than the fact that we fill our toilets with clean drinking water when a billion Indians don’t even have access to the stuff, then… I don’t know, you’re dumb I guess. “Yep, we used to poop in water. CLEAN water! Can you believe it?” you’ll regale the tales of old to the children. “The hubris! Can you believe the hub-NO, Jacob! With the thumbs! Use your thumbs to poke his eyes into his brain! If he can’t see, he can’t stop us from taking his water rations! THAT’s it! Now you’re gouging!” At least you’ll still be able to spend time with the kids.

All The Singularity Ladies

“Put your hands up. Now take your hands off. Now replace your hands with titanium laser claws. Now crush those who oppose your transcendent metamorphosis. Oh oh ohhhh, oh oh ohhh, oh oh ohhh, oh-oh ohhh ohhhh.”

It would mean a lot to me if you signed up for Patreon and supported me there. Comics is my full time job, but it currently just barely pays full time money. Every little bit helps.


As man and machine become every more closely integrated, keep in mind how only every OTHER iPhone works like it’s supposed to. I’m just saying that I won’t be the one beta testing the new Mind-Wave data interface until they work the bugs out. I’ll let the early adopters find out if their eyeballs get turned to liquid if they accidentally cross into a different timezone, or their intestines get spontaneously ejected when they have background app refresh turned on.

I’m sure the Steve Jobs of the 2040’s (which will probably be a holographic Steve Jobs created from an amalgam of his personal journals, email correspondence and Apple Keynotes) will try to convince the industry that sex organs are just relics of the past and we only cling to them to enforce backwards compatibility with outdated formats. Heheh. Cling. Heheh. Backwards compatibility.

People With Idiot Cat Brains: Using The Bathroom

I have completely retooled my Patreon rewards and goals! Become a Patron now and you can help me release more eBooks of my comics and sketches, bonus monthly Patron-Only comics, an album of cover songs, a LOST EPISODE OF THE HIJINKS ENSUE PODCAST, and MORE! Read the details HERE or just check out my Patreon HERE.


From down the hall their manager, Devon, can he heard furiously clapping his hands and shouting, “HEY! HEY! YOU STOP IT! GREG, YOU GET! GET OFF HIM! LET HIM DO HIS BUS-DAMMIT GREG! GET! GEEIT! You dumb piece of shit, Greg.”


Try This Next Time Your Doctor Asks An Embarrassing Question

Of course the only proper answer to, “How are you pooping?” is, “Mostly indoors. Mostly.” 

I have a STORE that I would like for you to purchase something from. I also have a Patreon and all of the trappings that come with such a thing.

Sometimes I think doctors are trying too hard to be cool with whatever macabre body horror you’re admitting to them. You’re all, “So I just empty out the blood bucket two or three times a day, and it’s been like that for a couple of weeks,” and the doctor replies, “Uh huh, [emphasis on the huh]” or a casual, “Yeah. It’ll do that.” Every once in awhile, it might be more comforting if they let out the occasional, “HOLY SHIT WHAT?!” or “It’s DEFINITELY NOT supposed to do that!” or even “WHAT EVEN PART OF THE BODY IS THAT OH MY JESUS OH MY GOD WHAT IS IT AND WHY ARE YOU SHOWING IT TO ME WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!?”