People With Idiot Cat Brains: A Bug

Hey! It’s another “People With Idiot Cat Brains!” Here’s the previous installmentsWhen my cat, Tivo, was young he would catch grasshoppers, chase them around the house, then systematically maim them, reducing their mobility and life expectancy a little bit at a time. Finally, he’d take it one step too far, bop it pretty good on the thorax or whatever, and stare puzzled as to why it was no longer half-hopping and spastically twitching around our living room.

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Nowadays, both of our cats will just sort of sit in one spot, transfixed on a moth or junebug that’s made its way inside. They are infinitely interested in its activities, yet infinitely disinterested in moving their lazy asses in order to effect any change on its circumstance. If it happens to cross within an arm’s length radius of one of the cats, a couple of quick bops, and it’s a motionless pile of formerly-a-bug. Then they stare at it for another couple of hours for good measure.

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HijiNKS ENSUE I have opinions about Space Wizards - Star Wars t-shirt

People With Idiot Cat Brains: Using The Bathroom

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From down the hall their manager, Devon, can he heard furiously clapping his hands and shouting, “HEY! HEY! YOU STOP IT! GREG, YOU GET! GET OFF HIM! LET HIM DO HIS BUS-DAMMIT GREG! GET! GEEIT! You dumb piece of shit, Greg.”


People With Idiot Cat Brains: Dinner Time

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Our cats, Tivo and Replay, have extremely specific dietary needs. Not about what type of food they eat, but about how, when and in what orientation it’s served. Replay can’t eat, even with a completely full bowl, until my wife has acknowledged the bowl by physically touching it. He then bores a hole through the food with his face until he reaches the bottom, and screams until someone shakes the bowl and he can no longer see the offending white plastic. I’ve considered taking a picture of his food, printing it out and glueing it to the bottom of his bowl. But, if I follow through with that plan, who is really the pet? Me or him?

Tivo likes to eat when Replay eats, but Replay only wants to eat Tivo’s food. If Tivo picks the first bowl, “FUCK YOU THAT’S REPLAY’S BOWL!” If he waits until Replay chooses a bowl then takes the other, “FUCK YOU THAT IS ALSO REPLAY’S BOWL YOU MAKE ME CRAZY WHY DO YOU MAKE ME BE LIKE THIS?!?!?” Tivo like to scrape a few pieces of food into his water, then stare and them like, “How in the natural FUCK did that get in there?” He’ll splash them about for a bit, then occasionally cry until someone removes them and gives him clean water.

We let these things live in our homes. On purpose.

I hope you like the People With Idiot Cat Brains, because I’m doing a few comics with them.