2014-08-25-when-i-say-pants-you-best-pants

When I Say Pants, You Best Pants…

2014-08-25-when-i-say-pants-you-best-pants

Update 09-03-14: GAH! Toronto Fan Expo was a ton of fun, but the preparation, time spent there, time traveling home and recovery have and ARE costing me greatly in terms of productivity. I am frantically trying to update/backdate new comics so there are 4 a week for every week. I’m doing my best. Luckily I don’t have much travel planned for the rest of the year.

The only real, honest reason to be your own boss and work from home (as I am and do) is to have the power to decide when to wear pants. Of course there’s the freedom, and the fulfillment and the loving the work and the blah blah blah, but primarily it’s the pants thing. It’s not so much deciding when actually to WEAR pants (because no sane, self actualized person would ever consciously decide to put on pants while not under duress), as much as it is deciding when and how often to perform activities that REQUIRE you to wear the pants. Got a bill that requires you to go somewhere and pay it in person? That’s a pants bill! Cancel that service immediately! Need to go to a store and buy a thing? No you don’t! You already have too much shit! Don’t create a pants problem where none exists. Trying to meet a potential mate who doesn’t already live in your house? Just die alone! Why prolong the inevitable, and why prolong the pants?

The typical career path of the self employed, creative type is slowly but surely whittling down “pants time” to the absolute minimum, with the ultimate goal being achieving a state of “Pants Zero.” It’s like Absolute Zero or Inbox Zero, but for pants. This is honestly the closest any self employed creative is ever going to get to the concept of retirement. We typically understand that we’re all going to die at our drawing desks, or keyboards, or pianos with a big grin on our faces. Working ever increasingly more and harder (not smarter) as one approaches death IS the plan. The only way to sweeten the already sweet lifetime of sweet toil is to make sure while the graph line of “time spent working / age” goes steeply from the bottom left to the top right, that the line for “time spent working /  wearing pants” starts at the bottom left and declines sharply right off the page.

I am extremely lucky in that I am not wearing pants right now, and I am rarely called upon to do so. It’s like when you try and do the dishes and they somehow come out dirtier than before, then people eventually stop asking you to do the dishes. I have time and time again displayed my ineptitude at being a person who puts on pants to get the mail, or answer the door. Eventually people just stopped expecting it of me, and I move ever closer to my Pants Zero goal. I have maybe two pants days a week, and even then it’s usually only for 2-4 pant-hours at a time (a pants-hour is calculated as two time’s a regular hour, because of how shitty it makes you feel and how everything sucks twice as much when you’re wearing pants). Seriously, though. Fuck pants.

becomepatron

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Sonic Screwdriver earrings my wife made! 

sonic screwdriver earings matt smith elevelth doctor who etsy

https://www.etsy.com/listing/200762224/doctor-who-inspired-sonic-screwdriver

comic-2013-10-14-pantalunacy.jpg

Pantalunacy

comic-2013-10-14-pantalunacy.jpg

I have a new store NEW STORE new store NEW STORE!!!

The new HE store is live at explosm! There are new signed prints and posters (previously only available at conventions), and for the first time I’m offering signed books! More info HERE.

Holy buttshoveling crapbananas, NYCC kicked my ass. That was the hardest and longest I have ever worked at a convention. My apologies to any Fancy Bastards that wanted to come up and say hi, but were unable to penetrate the usually 25-40 person line at the Cyanide And Happiness booth. That was the first show I’ve ever worked as a “hired pen” and I kind of had a feeling there might not be a whole lot of HijiNKS Ensuing at the booth occupied by a comic with roughly 100 times my audience. Still, it was a wonderful experience and I had an amazing time drawing stick figure dick jokes with my friends for 10 hours a day, 4 days straight. That much rapid fire, “don’t think, just draw” sketching was a fantastic jolt to my creative juicebox. I’m home now, and rested and ready to get back to making some comics for you.

“Previously, on Pants M.D.…”

The average lawyer makes around $150,000 a year and their pants usually cost a few hundred to a few thousand dollars. Astronauts make about $100,000 a year and their pants cost roughly $6,000,000 a pair. Anesthesiologists earn $400,000 a year and their pants cost maybe $10 and sometimes have flowers on them. I don’t have a pants-point. That’s just food for pants-thought.

COMMENTERS: What’s the most expensive article of clothing you’ve ever allowed yourself to buy or been forced to buy?

When I got my very first paycheck from my very first job (selling Rollerblades at Academy) I went straight to the mall and bought a discman, some CD’s and a pair of hunter green Doc Marten’s boots. They were $120. I felt like a rich man. A wealth king. A SUPER WEALTH KING. The boots were dumb. They were also probably not the most expensive clothing item I’ve ever bought, but that memory certainly sits right up on the surface of my mindhead and it easily recalled.

UPDATE ON THE FANCY DIGITAL SKETCH DRIVE: If you are still waiting on your Fancy Digital Sketch, I am SUPER BACKLOGGED on these. I am very sorry it’s taking so long. I am working through them, but if you need yours urgently, feel free to let me know via email.

Have you seen my wife’s Etsy store, “Science and Fiction?” Check out her Starfleet pips choker

Star Trek Starfleet Pips choker Necklace Etsy

 

Comments (48)

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Kat's avatar

Kat · 87 weeks ago

All of my super expensive clothes are costume pieces. My corset ran me about $300 about eight years ago. It has held up remarkably well and I’ve used it in multiple costumes. I’ve also have a pair of boots that cost a little over $500 but they are the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned and should last me many many years.

1 reply · active 86 weeks ago

Tiffany's avatar

Tiffany · 86 weeks ago

we are closet twins! I too have a $300 custom corset, it went under my $1000 Tudor wedding dress. (I don’t really count the dress because I rarely go “noble,” but the corset gets worn for “pirate” when I day trip) and a $600 pair of windwalker custom boots.I need to buy a second pair in darker colors, my blue/turquoise with assorted fall leaves doesn’t fly at the law office I work at.
Dean's avatar

Dean · 87 weeks ago

Job interview suit, shortly after graduating college. Otherwise, I avoid buying clothes until a family member drags me to the store out of pity or disgust.
Kurt Onstad's avatar

Kurt Onstad · 87 weeks ago

$400 for a leather doublet. I was in a LARP, and I wanted a good outfit. I paid extra for the tuning to be purple.
Notebooked's avatar

Notebooked · 87 weeks ago

Shoes, after my old ones busted right through. Most of my other clothes I buy second-hand, except maybe pajamas, which are usually pretty cheap in regular stores.
I am a college instructor, and I have a very strong rule about not changing out of pajama pants unless absolutely necessary…

It’s amazing how many of your daily chores you can conduct in pajama pants without anyone noticing/caring

5 replies · active 87 weeks ago

Mahnarch's avatar

Mahnarch · 87 weeks ago

…sorry.
bix's avatar

bix · 87 weeks ago

A woman who I knew in graduate school went on to be an adjunct. A friend looked her up on ratemyprofessor.com and discovered that she had a very negative score, mostly due to the fact that she always showed up late to class wearing pajama pants.
Wear them pants, girl! Fuck tha haters!
Euan's avatar

Euan · 87 weeks ago

£350 ($560) for a proper kilt several years ago, just got a £230 ($370) jacket and waistcoat to complete the set for my wedding
TJ "Kiltman"Anderson's avatar

TJ “Kiltman”Anderson · 87 weeks ago

I have a leather utilikilt that retailed at $1200, but I acquired for $650.. I also have a pair of new rock boots that retailed at $450, but got off ebay for $120.. combined with my motorcycle and top hat… it’s a conversation starting ensemble

2 replies · active 87 weeks ago

I had no idea those things were that expensive.
UnderTheDark's avatar

UnderTheDark · 87 weeks ago

I also bought a leather kilt, from Stormy Leather, maybe 10 years back? Retailed for $500, but I worked for a company that carried them, so I got it for $225 🙂 Nothing makes me feel more badass than stomping around in that kilt and my Buffy Staked Edward t-shirt!
Daniel Sroka's avatar

Daniel Sroka · 87 weeks ago

I got a bonus at work (during my Corporate Drone phase) that let me FINALLY pay off my student loans. With the left over cash, I went out and splurged on… socks. Nice sock. Good socks. Lots of socks. Silly, maybe. But damn that purchase made me feel good.

1 reply · active 87 weeks ago

MrPlow99's avatar

MrPlow99 · 87 weeks ago

I bought a tux for about $300 about 10 years ago. It’s concert dress for the wind symphony I play in, and renting a tux 4 times a year vs. buying one was a no-brainer.
Fren's avatar

Fren · 87 weeks ago

Dunno, I got a nice pair of paratrooper-esque oxblood Doc boots about three years ago and they’re still in decent shape. I wear them practically daily, and they’re rather nice as work boots. You get what you pay for, in most cases.

Personally, I tend not to spend much on clothing. I’m still using my ‘bought at the end of season on clearance’ eight dollar peacoat. Have been considering a nice utility waistcoat, though. Lots of pockets to hold tools!

Do shoes count? My hiking boots are like $90, which is why I haven’t bought any to replace my 3 year old pair…with holes in them.
When graduating university, I went out and bought TWO business suits to replace the one I had since grade 8 graduation/family wedding season.
DeadRobot's avatar

DeadRobot · 87 weeks ago

A sandtrooper outfit. Currently running at about $2000 after the mods I did to it.
Ceri's avatar

Ceri · 87 weeks ago

A pair of black Doc Martin boots with rainbow stitching, back in the mid-90s. I don’t remember how much they were, but it was a LOT. I wore them for maybe two months, they gave me terrible blisters, and then the soles broke. Never again.
I think my wife’s wedding dress was something like $700 on sale for $300. Even then, and even considering her mom bought it, I felt stupid knowing that it would only ever be worn once. Why isn’t it more common to rent those things?
*set to the tune of TLC’s “No Scrubs”*

I just put on my scrubs
Cause sweats don’t get no love from Emily
Even though my sweats are alright
When I’m working inside
My wife is going to holler at me!

2 replies · active 87 weeks ago

Thanks. I have the Weird Al-like ability to take a song and change the lyrics to fit some wacky situation, like changing the lyrics to Beyonce’s “Halo” into a song about kicking ass and teabagging in HALO.
Rick's avatar

Rick · 87 weeks ago

Dude, my doctor wife doesn’t even BUY her scrubs. The hospital provides them. But then she wears $150 shoes.

I bought two suits at $400 apiece to wear to my office drone job straight out of college. Since that contract ended (a year later and oh god 13 years ago), I think I could probably count the number of times I’ve worn them on my hands and have fingers left over. I do have a tuxedo that I wear for concerts, but it was significantly less.

Paul's avatar

Paul · 87 weeks ago

I am spectacularly cheap when it comes to buying clothes and I wear them until they fall apart (and sometimes longer–you should see my “yard work and car-washing” jeans). The most expensive wearables I’ve ever bought myself are probably the sneakers I’m wearing right now: New Balance 525 with nylon tops, which cost about $80 in 2010. Yes, three-year-old sneakers. I just walked ten miles in them last Saturday at a car show in Hershey, PA.
The guy who sold them to me said you should replace sneakers about twice a year. Hey, the soles aren’t worn through to the cushion layer yet!
Greg's avatar

Greg · 87 weeks ago

I still find it quite odd that Americans call trousers ‘pants’.

2 replies · active 71 weeks ago

Is there anything that you DO call pants?
In the UK, “pants” are underwear. Not boxers, though, the other kind.
This Guy's avatar

This Guy · 87 weeks ago

…here. here is where I mean to post “Very nice job drawing Emily.”

1 reply · active 87 weeks ago

thanks! The hair is more fun than I thought. It has weight and physics and what not.
Zathael's avatar

Zathael · 87 weeks ago

I’m a professional Cook.
I’m at the beginning of my career, which means I get paid in peanuts. Minimum wage peanuts.

A passably good set of knives (1 Chef’s, 1 Paring, 1 Boning, 1 Bread) costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $500. Good ones can cost thousands. The best? Tens of thousands. No, Restaurants do not provide you with knives, you need to have your own.

’nuff said.

1 reply · active 87 weeks ago

Mahnarch's avatar

Mahnarch · 87 weeks ago

$5,000 on a set of pots and pans… That I don’t use.
I just bought myself a pair of Altama mil spec combat boots to replace my old pair that I got about 13 years ago. The new pair cost me about $130 and once they’re broken in I will retire the old pair. I considered a pair of Doc Martens but they cost $220 for the pair I wanted (1916 classic MIE in black) and I can’t resole them so I just went with what has worked for me so far. I have Oakley sunglasses I bought for $100 10 years ago, so when I spend a lot on something I tend to take the best care of it I can.

I also spent around $500 on a coat and shirt for my wedding ceremony and will spend about $300 more on my pants and boots. We’re doing a Gothic theme and the clothes are hand made so they cost quite a bit.

1 reply · active 87 weeks ago

That’s not a shoe purchase. That’s an investment.
lou's avatar

lou · 87 weeks ago

I am miraculously born without a fashion sense, so I never spent a dime on my own clothes. My parents would take me to Men’s Wearhouse to browse through the slacks shirts, jackets, and ties, because I have trouble with color coordination. And according to my mom, so does my dad, which is why we never go clothes shopping without her (again). The most I ask from my clothes is that they be comfortable and don’t get too hot or too cold. How they “look” is a matter of opinion.
Crotalus's avatar

Crotalus · 87 weeks ago

$150 for a set of Ti/Max motorcycle racing gauntlet gloves; kangaroo leather w. titanium armor plates.
Jeremy's avatar

Jeremy · 86 weeks ago

Around $300 for a pair of Red Wing boots that had polypropylene soles… in Minnesota. I’ve never fallen on my butt so many times per week, nor has anyone before or since. Hint: polypropylene is terrible on ice, unless you’re lining sled runners with it.
tiffany's avatar

tiffany · 86 weeks ago

I think is funny that those of us who spent the most, spent it on costumes, or things like leather kilts and shit kicker boots. if the rest of you who do faire/sca/larp/cosplay are anything like my friends and me, the rest of your wardrobe is from thrift stores and the clearance rack, with a few statement pieces like a star trek polo, or a d20 necklace thrown in.