Seat Fillers


Forgive me, dear Fancy Twitter Bastards, if you have already read 2/3 of these jokes. I decided to borrow from my time-shifted Oscar’s live tweets from Monday night to fill in the gaps above (hence the secret double meaning pun title in which I reveal that I am a monster). I started watching the Academy Awards about 90 minutes into the broadcast. I figured that would give me enough time to skip all the boring parts and just barely catch up with the end. I tweeted as I watched, which must have been jarring for anyone following both me and everyone tweeting the show in real time. Afterwards, I went back and read the previous 3 hours of my twitter feed and realized something odd. The jokes in my feed, provided for free by professional funny-makers and my friends (many of whom themselves are pros at funny-making) was 1000% more entertaining than the awards themselves. But… those highly entertaining tweets (containing no less than 5 L actual OL moments) would not have been possible if not for the incredibly boring Oscar telecast. And they wouldn’t have been as funny had the Oscars not been so dry, flat and humorless. So does that leave me actually grateful for a miserably unfunny Oscars? I certainly don’t regret the jokes that I made which led to this comic, and the ones I read on my phone last night. I know this is a common occurrence in the age of constant connection and commentary but I started to wonder if there would be a tipping point where people gather around the water cooler to discuss NOT the Oscars or whatever communal viewing experience happened the night before, but rather the tweets that experience inspired.

Emerald City ComiCon 2013

Emerald City Comicon is THIS WEEKEND in Seattle. It is my favorite show of the year and I will be at the Blind Ferret Booth all weekend (#1106-1108).

I saw someone post something along the lines of “Why do you watch the Oscars? Why not just read a list of winners at the end?” I thought about it and came to the conclusion that awards shows, season finales, elections and other MUST SEE televised events provide us (the country, if not the entire world) with the rare chance to all be focused on the same thing at the same time. It’s so much easier to land a solid joke when you are experiencing something right along with your audience. You can get away with “This guy is all like…” instead of “Right now I’m watching Top Chef and this guy is all like…”. It lends an additional element of familiarity and brevity, a shorthand, to the experience. For pro-time funny-doers, I think it also allows them (us?) to experience something akin to laughter at a live show. The audience is right there with you, watching the awards and their RT’s and Fav’s and such can take the place of the instant approval a comedian seeks from a live audience.

I think about this stuff a lot. 

COMMENTERS: Have you ever enjoyed someone making fun of a thing more than the actual thing? I think the Red Letter Media reviews of the Star Wars prequels certainly qualify here. To expand on that thought, have you ever enjoyed a commentary, remix, tell all book, cover band or making of documentary more than the subject on which it focused?


Method Man


Emerald City ComiCon 2013

Emerald City Comicon is THIS WEEKEND in Seattle. It is my favorite show of the year and I will be at the Blind Ferret Booth (#1106-1108) all weekend. Check out the new mini-banner/ price sheet I made for ECCC on my Tumblr.

I will have a lot of the stuff pictured in the ad below with me at the con, but what I really want is for YOU to have it. In return I want to have your dollars.

OK, I know this is crazy bonkers banana sauce, but hear me out Hollywood. How about for the next Oscars you hire a professional entertainer to host? Maybe someone who is used to being on stage in front of a lot of people. Maybe someone who doesn’t come off like he is reading his bad jokes for the very first time in front of 100 million people. Maybe, oh I dunno, a comedian? Or a seasoned veteran of the stage? Someone who isn’t constantly shouting, “I REALLY DON’T BELONG UP HERE!!!” with his eyebrows. The 2013 Oscars were a crap stabbing train wreck. Perhaps not quite as train wrecky has last years “Which host has greater contempt for the other?” contest, but the train was thoroughly and irrefutably wrecked.

Seth MacFarlane has a fantastic voice, and he’s managed to become the highest paid comedy writer in history (despite having relied on the same 7 jokes for the last 15 years), but Oscar host is a job he is in no way qualified for. His subpar hosting performance could have been saved by some top notch writing, but they seem to have gone instead with NO writing. I found myself staring at nearly every bit and bit of banter with the face I usually reserve for Five Gum commercials. A sort sideway eye-SQUONK that says, “I know what all of these things are individually, but when you put them together in this way, I suffer complete cognitive disconnect from whatever emotions you may have intended to evoke, or message you were attempting to relay.” Did anyone have any idea what the dudes from The Avengers were talking about? If the real Avengers were that unrehearsed and disorganized, you know who would be hosting the Oscars? MOTHER FUCKING THANOS. That’s who.

When Daniel Day-Lewis took the stage to accept his Best Actor Award (which at this point really shouldn’t be applied to any particular film since he is just THE. BEST. ACTOR.) he seemed to either have rehearsed his jokes so much that they seemed completely off the cuff and hilariously perfect or HE’S JUST THAT GOD DAMN WONDERFUL. My vote is for the latter. I was really hoping D-Day-Lew would have just decked MacFarlane right in the beady black shark eyes and, as his foe lay gobsmacked on the floor, let out a John Lovitz-esque, “ACTING!”

COMMENTERS: Speaking of method acting, or The Method, as purveyors of douchebaggery might call it, have you ever kept up a falsehood for so long that it eventually became true? For instance, did you ever pretend to like something (say to impress a potential partner) that you eventually really liked it, or at least knew so much about it that you were nearly an expert?

At my last real job, one of the requirements during the interview was than I be proficient in Photoshop (a particular proficiency that I totally lacked, despite what my resume might have said). I had to fake it nearly every day with tricks like the “I know how I would do it, but how would YOU do it?” technique or the “Yeah, I can do that [QUICK GO WATCH A TUTORIAL ON YOUTUBE]” process. I did this so much so  that I did eventually become somewhat of a Photoshop expert. Now it’s the main medium I work in for my comic-maker job.


Om Nom Noms


Geeky t-shirts by me and Wil Wheaton at Sharksplode.com! Woohoo! 

Don’t miss the new HijiNKS comic I uploaded yesterday all about J.J. Abrams, Star Trek and SEEEEECRAAAAATS.

I have almost seen Lincoln twice. Both times I have realized that it was nearly three hours long and opted to either see something else or stay home and get something from Redbox. I just don’t like being in the theater that long unless I’m nearly guaranteed to love the movie. Daniel Day Lewis is my favorite actor, but that isn’t saying much. Admitting that the person who is the best at a thing in all the world is your favorite person who does that particular thing doesn’t take that much conviction or depth of character. That’s like saying Batman is my favorite vigilante crime fighter or Louis C.K. is my favorite stand up.

I did, however, see The Master. I have never seen another movie with two such fantastically talented actors delivering two such compelling and nuanced performances that I hated quite so much as I hated The Master. The biggest problem with The Master is I got it. I absolutely understand what the movie was trying to accomplish and how I was supposed to feel while watching it. I know what the intended take away was, what the director was trying to say about the human condition, the way we relate to others, the way we cling to each other while simultaneously driving each other away, loneliness  compulsion, dishonesty with one’s self vs. dishonesty with others, the power of the dynamic orator over the weak minded, I TOTALLY GOT ALL OF IT. I just so happened to have abhorred the experience of actually watching it. It’s like a really expensive bad meal at the finest restaurant in town. You know what you’re eating is classy and sophisticated and a lot of thought and effort was put into it, and even though you can detect the subtle complexities of the interplay between the flavors it just tastes like a a shoe full of shit.

The Master’s biggest problem is the story of Hoffman’s L. Ron Hubbardesque author and his burgeoning cult is quite fascinating. So, obviously, the movie basically ignores all of that and uses it as a backdrop to tell the story… no there’s no actual story… to SHOW YOU SOME STUFF FOR A BIT about Phoenix’s listless, alcoholic, sex crazed dimwitted, violent drifter. Even by my description, he sounds pretty fascinating. Trust me. He isn’t. There are no less than three scenes in the film where Hoffman’s character uses Scientol… THE CAUSE to infuriate Phoenix into a state of highly suggestible mental pliability from which he can be brainwashed. Since these scenes (one where Phoenix is forced to walk from one end of a room to the other with his eyes closed at least 40 times) take up roughly 30 minutes of the nearly three hour movie. It is excruciating. Just watching a man get more and more frustrated with his antagonist in real time is not my idea of an enjoyable time at the movies or a good way to spend $18. But they both totally deserve an Oscar. No question. Great performances. Terrible movie.

COMMENTERS: Do you have any Oscar predictions?  Have YOU ever seen a film where an actor’s performance was enthralling, captivating and through provoking, but you still hated the movie?

New desktop wallpaper for donors and subscribers! 




My Award Has A First Name


If you follow me on Twitter, you may know that my mom was in a really bad car accident yesterday. I ended up spending all night in the hospital and came home to get some rest about 2am this morning. I’m headed back to the hospital now. She is doing well, but she needs to have surgery for a compound fracture in her thumb. Please send positive thoughts our way and excuse the lack of comic updates this week.

I assume I will still be at Emerald City Comic Con this weekend if she is already home and recovering.

If you are in Seattle and would be interested in a reader meetup this weekend, comment below.

Upcoming Appearances!!!

Emerald City Comic-Con
March 13-14 @ The Washington State Convention Center in Seattle, WA


I’m The Best There Is At What I Do


And what I do is hosting awards shows.

I didnt’t watched the Oscar’s last night, so I can only assume this is exactly what happened. The whole affair doesn’t hold that much interest for me. The show is typically long and boring and the movies I actually see in a given year either aren’t nominated or don’t win. It seems like a giant Hollywood wank-fest where all the actors pat each others backs (and dicks) raw. I guess I should go find a list of who won and what not. I bet I can find all the interesting parts on the YourTubes.

Did you watch it? Did you favorites win? Any major upsets? Commentward ho!

Also, I’ll be attending the New England Wecomics Weekend. Check out my post and comment if you are going to be there.

UPDATE: I just reread that hastily written post and realized it sounded angry. I’m not angry at the Oscars. I just wasn’t that interested in watching the broadcast.