Hanging Brain


NEW SHIRT!!!  Where’s Carl?! Shirts based on this comic are live at Sharksplode!
Where's Carl? Walking Dead Calvin and Hobbes Mashup Parody Shirt

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was my thing. Just like any red-blooded American boy I loved me some G.I. JOE and just like any advanced sentient machine boy from a war torn planet in a distance galaxy I loved me some Transformers, but Ninja Turtles was my thing. I ate, slept and breathed Ninja Turtes. Two of those I did quite literally. I horribly disgusting Ninja Turtles cereal, which was basically Chex with rejected Lucky Charms marshmallows, and a Ninja Turtles sleeping bag. If they had sold green canned air with tops in a choice of four primary colors, I’m sure I would have inhaled nothing but. [Side note regarding the Turtles Cereal: They got away with it just being Chex by referring to those pieces as “Ninja Nets.” You know… all those nets they were always throwing around. I think Donatello was the one with the net. Or maybe that was Zeppo.]

From ages 7-10 I spent a good 2/3 of my day as a Ninja Turtle. I had 3 close friends and we each adopted a Turtle persona for recess, which we kept for several years. There wasn’t any fighting over who would claim which turtle. It was just clear. I was bossy and an insufferable know-it-all, so I was Leonardo. Cody was the most violent and we all agreed his wild flailing of the limbs most resembled actual karate, so he was Rahpael. Rob was the smartest and the most sensitive, so he was Donatello. And… fuck me in the sewer lair, I don’t remember who was Michaelangelo. That’s going to bother me. Anyway, we played TMNT at recess every day. We kept up our story lines and picked them up where they left off each day. We wore various bits of costumes at home, and tucked plastic weapons into our belt loops. I even had a blue Leo mask with a green snout on it that smelled like the inside of a tire. We watched the episodes hundreds of times. I had 6 VHS tapes with 2 or 3 episodes each that came from Burger King and played them to the point of ruin. Each and every birthday and Xmas from those years was nothing but Turtles wall to wall. One kid would get a new vehicle or playset and the rest of us would assemble it and place the decals while he enjoyed a piece of cake or a round of TMNT 2 on the NES. One year, Rob (Donatello-Rob from earlier) got the Sewer Lair Playset (probably the rarest turtles playset next to the Technodrome… NO ONE had the Technodrome), and we treated it as if his parents had just given him a car with machine guns mounted to the hood. I eventually got the Turtle Blimp (probably the rarest vehicle in the line), so my status as Leonardo, Chief Intolerable Asshole of the team wasn’t revoked.

I say all of that to say this: I don’t know if I care if Michael Bay fucks up the Ninja Turtles by making them aliens instead of mutants. Sure, that would basically shift the entire original purpose of characters (regular, ordinary creatures are elevated to extraordinary status through an accident of science), but that doesn’t really have any effect on how much I enjoyed them as a child or how fondly I remember them today. You might call fowl, but this is different them George Lucas going back and altering/invalidating my memories through meddling with existing films. And it’s different than Michael Bay taking a steaming cyber-crap all over Transformers since that franchise has never payed any real attention to it’s own continuity (SHUT UP WILLIS! I’VE DONE MY HOMEWORK!) to begin with. I think the only reason people my age were mad at him for Transformers is because he was making the first official live action version of the series. Ninja Turtles already had two great live action movies (we do not speak of the third one… what third one?), which almost perfectly encapsulated the spirit of the franchise in the 80’s and early 90’s and brought to life the version of the Turtles that I grew up with. Sure they were cheesy, but so was everything else back then. And if you’re still upset, remember that the movies strayed pretty far from the cartoon origin story by making Splinter and Hamato Yoshi two different beings. Do you remember the scene where the rat learns kung fu? That shit was ridiculous. [UPDATE: is has been pedanted pointed out to me NUMEROUS times that the first movie followed the origin from the comics and it was the original cartoon that deviated plot-wise. Well, that just further proves my point that nothing is sacred in the TMNT franchise, so any changes made to the origin are fair game.]

The thing about Ninja Turtules is that unlike almost every other franchise from the 80’s, it never went away. It would go off the air for a year or two at most before it came back with a new incarnation. There were multiple cartoon shows, some continuations, some reboots. There was a live action show, For a while it was about alien Triceratopses, and one of the most recent cartoons took place over 100 years in the future. The only thing Bay talking about changing is literally THE ONLY THING that hasn’t already been changed. The weird thing about Ninja Turtles is every kid who was 8 years old at any point between 1987 and 2012 could have grown up with them, but not necessarily the same ones you did. Hell, I haven’t even mentioned the comics. I say let Bay do his worst. My bandanna is still blue, my katana is still plastic and my memories are intact. Cowabunga, you Fancy Bastards.

COMMENTERS: Feel free to weigh on on the aliens vs. mutant debate.  Which Turtles were YOUR Turtles? What was your favorite Turtles toy/ coolest one you never owned? Mine were the rubberized figures released after the first movie. They were more flexible and had realistic skin. What was the weirdest Turtles tie-in product you ever saw? For me it was the “Ooze” fruit pies. I probably ate 100 of them, but damn do they seem toxic in retrospect.

UPDATE: My friend Paul gives his pitch for how the alien turtle thing could work and not make his inner 8 year old weep. He wants to believe SOOOO badly.


The Möbius Explosion


Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our Wesley’s Big Adventure Shirt over at Sharksplode.

Funny Geeky T-Shirt Star Trek Parody shirt - Wesleys Big Adventure T-Shirt-Wil Wheaton-Wesley Crusher-Sharksplode-I'm A Loner Data A Rebel

CONVENTION NEWS: Connecticon is almost right now!!!. Come see me and David and Ryan and Lar and the Explosm quadruplets and much many mores!

HijiNKS ENSUE Joel Watson at Connecticon 2011

[I am contemplating whether I want to write a post about Transformers: Dance With The Devil In The Pale Moonlight, or just tie Josh’s dick to a railroad track for making me sit through it. If you refresh this page later and see a post, you will know my decision.]

STORE NEWS: The HijiNKS ENSUE Store is closed for a few weeks so I can make some big, exciting changes. [READ MORE HERE] In the meantime you can still get shirts from Sharksplode and HE Book 2 from this very site.


Unwavering Devotion


Josh doesn’t actually know what the character on his posterior really means, but if he shows it at the China Dragon Palace he gets a half priced buffet on Tuesdays. Which begs the question, why is he pulling his ass out in Chinese restaurants?


Godspeed, You Fancy Bastard T-Shirt

Tudykery,” not to be confused with the similarly named, holiday time bird carcass nesting doll, is the quality by which Alan Tudyk makes things better (or at least tolerable) simply by being a part of them. This “human bacon bits” quality is the only reason I was able to get through the first few episodes of V and convince myself it wasn’t horrifically boring. Then they killed him off and the veil of mediocrity was lifted. How to do you make an alien lizard people invasion boring?

Still, there is the issue of “The Browncoat Contract,” by which I mean the obligation of the Firefly/Serenity faithful to give every show or movie featuring one of our bright, shiny stars a more than fair chance. It was this obligation that made me watch Nathan Fillion’s Drive. All 4 episodes of it. And Adam Baldwin‘s short lived The Inside. This same obligation caused many of you to tune in for Jewel Staite in SyFy’s Mothman. My condolences. The kind of made-for-TV scifi garbage that would usually require you to drink a gas can full of ether and Yoohoo to sit through must be given a free pass because the cute space mechanic is the one running from the CG monster that looks like it was created with a Speak’n Spell hooked up to a George Foreman grill.

Luckily for us, there is an escape clause. Once the Firefly veteran’s new show takes off, you are no longer under contract. For instance, both Chuck and Castle are successful shows. My super bonus TV watching ability’s are not required to save them from cancelation since “the normals” are watching it too.

The worst part about the Contract is that it forces me to watch shows that I already know are going to be awful  just so I can feel like I am doing my part to support the actors. Have you seen the promos for Summer Glau’s new show The Cape? It’s about a disgraced cop that decides to be Batman. Sounds cool, right? Well, he spends most of his time hanging out with carnies and magicians, so… just watch the promos. Holy lowered expectations, Cape Man!


A Fetish Revealed


Alternate Title: Sittin’ In The Box O’ The Bay

the-hijinks-ensue-store-e28094-sci-five-t-shirt[reddit-me]Michael Bay traveled to our time from a distant future where man is enslaved by sentient explosions. He also made Megan Fox wash his Ferrari while he filmed it. One can only assume she wasn’t the first actor to get in Bay’s good graces by indulging his is peculiar obsession. Honestly, if the only thing that gets you off is celebrities washing expensive cars there probably isn’t a lot of porn in that genre ready for your enjoyment. I can see why he would take it into his own hands (pun intended) to produce it on his own.

“Like this, Mr. Bay?”

“Yeah, just like that. You’re auditioning for the scene where Cappuccinotron, the Transformer with the stereotypically Italian accent, drives through some mud, then an explosion, then more mud then five more explosions and needs to be washed. Fine Italian transformers can only be washed by hand… in cutoffs…”


My friend Mikey is parting with his beloved Serenity Prop Sword and you can totally buy it. It was actually used in the final battle scene between Capt. Mal and The Operative.

Read more and bid HERE.


Sorry for the lack of a comic on Friday. I was in a bit of a creative rut and didn’t want to half ass it.


More Than Should Ever Meet The Eye


[reddit-me]Not content with simply giving the world robot pissing, robot farting and robot dicks (that shoot lasers), Sir Michael Bay (not really a knight) decided “Transformers 2” wouldn’t be complete with robot balls. That’s classy film making right there. Michael Bay doesn’t really have to respect us as an audience, though. He continually shovels shit down our throat holes with a Cybertronian Mecha-Shovel and we thank him with millions and millions of dollars, ensuring even more frequent and violent throat shovelings in the future.

Anyway, Josh live-Twittered “Transformers 2.” Here it is unabridged. !!!POTENTIAL SPOILERS!!!

  • Starting transformers2. Liveblog ahoy! Harry potter 6 trailer now.
  • First transform most visually confusing thing I’ve seen in my life. 2 awful one liners.
  • Sound design is bizarre. Like half the sounds are missing.
  • Aaaaaand we have dog humping.
  • I’ve now seen robot dick and robot farting.
  • Camera just spun for almost a full minute.
  • It just dawned on me. I have no idea what is going on.
  • Innappropriate parental drug use.
  • And we have lapdance
  • Holy shit. First actually funny joke.
  • Wait. Why are we on Saturn?!?!?
  • I never thought I would feel sorry for Shia lebeef. I was wrong.
  • Nobody told me there were cylons in this movie.
  • They just drove out the door of a factory in the middle of the city and were instantly in the middle of the forest. What?
  • It was just daytime in Paris and the middle of the pacific at the same time.
  • Holy racist robots batman
  • Wow. Jockstrap shot even *I* didn’t want to see.
  • Standing in mid DC. Walk into a building. Walk out of building into fields surrounded by mountains. WTF
  • Ladies and gentlemen. We have midget.
  • Like 40 people have survived epic crashes. WTF.
  • BALLS!
  • I’m done. Sam just went to robot heaven. Seriously?
  • That was better than Terminator Salvation.

I’d like to point out that I in no way endorse TruckNutz[tm]. I link to them only that you may know the enemy and fear it.