comic-2011-12-23-lo-fijinks-i-know-my-first-name-is-santa.jpg

I Know My First Name Is Santa

comic-2011-12-23-lo-fijinks-i-know-my-first-name-is-santa.jpg

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this Three Wheaton Moon shirt. You can buy it! Then you can wear it! Only two steps to total geeky happiness? Sign me up!

Three Wheaton Moon T-Shirt, Funny Three Wolf Moon Parody, Wil Wheaton T-Shirt, 3 Wil Wheaton Moon, Clown Sweater, Wesley Crusher, Evil Wil Wheaton

Lifetime: The Network Your Aunt Likes (You know that ONE aunt? The one that moved back in with your grandma after her divorce.) 

My mom pays for an entire array of cable channels, but she really only uses four of them: Lifetime, Lifetime Movies, Lifetime Real Women and The Hallmark Channel. Around Christmas time (roughly August through February) she parks the TV squarely in the middle of this estrogen programming block and feasts on programming designed to both uplift the spirit and tug at the tear ducts of middle-aged lady types. Also, most of the movies are about your dead relatives returning for Christmas as angels. I saw one over at her place about a dead grandma that just shows up at her family’s house at Christmas, and instead of calling the boys in the grayish-brown suits with the nuclear backpacks they’re all just, “Grandma, it sure is great that Jesus let you come down here and bake cookies for us!” It was intensely creepy. Everything about it that made my mom go, “Awwww,” made me go, “AHAHGHGHGHGHG!!!!” Not 2 weeks later I was back over there and, I shit you not, there was an entirely different movie about a dead relative coming back as a Christmas angel. I expect there are hundreds of them. Like Pokemon.

CONFESSION TIME: I have seen one Lifetime movie that actually made me sad, nearly to the point of tears. I had just finished plowing through 2 or 3 seasons of Dead Like Me and, while flipping channels, saw the star of that show (Ellen Muth) on the screen. Turns out it was a Lifetime movie called The Truth About Jane about a girl (Muth) realizing she’s gay, and how her family treats her like a criminal because of it. They try to “deal with the problem” as if she had been caught with a gun and a bag of PCP. I knew what they were doing! Those bastards were showing me things that I already thought were sad and they were making them even sadder! SHE JUST WANTED TO DATE GIRLS AND BE LOVED! THAT’S ALL! SHE WAS A GOOD GIRL! YOU TREATED HER LIKE A MONSTER! YOU WERE THE MONSTER, MOM! YOU WERE… the… BLOOOO HOOO HOOO HOOOOO!!!!

I have received some very generous gifts from my Amazon Wishlist and from donators in the last couple of weeks. I want to make sure to give big giant holiday-style thanks to Fancy Bastards: Elliot Moss, Cole Parker, Anonymous Ghostbusters gifter, Alyssa Vaughan, Trevor Spratt and Dan & Toni Arthur. Being the father of a 4 year old, I am pretty much primarily on the “giving” side of Xmas, so your gifts were certainly appreciated and made my insides feel all squishy and gross.

COMMENTERS: Sappiest, cheesiest or most unbelievable TV Movie you’ve ever seen? Is there one that actually activated your human emotion chip?

UPDATE 12/28/11:

DAVID WILLIS KEEPS DRAWING ME IN HIS COMICS!!! PLEASE BUY HIS CRUISE FUNDRAISER PRINT (and also THIS ONE) SO HE WILL STOP AND WE CAN GO ON A CRUISE TOGETHER WHICH IS TOTALLY NOT GAY BECAUSE OUR WIVES WILL BE THERE OR MAYBE THEY WON’T I MEAN ACCIDENTS CAN HAPPEN AT SEA.

Also, I have resurrected my TUMBLR and started things off by posting my giant “How to save Terra Nova” rant (mentioned in this comic’s post) and a free mobile desktop wallpaper of “Dino Jesus.” I have plans for this TUMBLR in 2012 that involve changing some of the ways I offer content and who I offer it to. The basic strategy is more content to more people. I do not see this as being a negative.