Grand Theft Art Imitating Life

This was one of those rare occasions where the universe wrote the comic, and I just had to draw it. I asked Josh to show me “GTA IV” so I could see what all the fuss was about. I hadn’t played a GTA game since Vice City, and even then I pretty much ignored the missions and just blew stuff up until the cops chased me into the ocean. We literally sat there for 30 minutes watching in game cartoons on Nico’s TV. Then when he finally started to play the game, there was this whole complicated courting process he had to go through with Michelle. He actually said, “The nicer the clothes I buy, the more likely she is to put out on the first date.” You have to manage the expectations of your in-game girlfriend? This is scary shit people. That is WAY too real for a game that’s supposed to be about stealing cars, and then using said cars to murder their previous owners. I know I wouldn’t be able to play through the actual missions of this game because the moment it asked me to buy clothes and get a haircut to impress the fluzey I just met on the street, I would be reaching for the nearest blunt implement, or machine gun, or chainsaw or machine gun that fires chainsaws…on fire to murder her with.

I know the game is excellent. You don’t have to convince me of that. I just wouldn’t ever get past the parts that were as boring as my real life in order to complete it properly. At no point during Sonic 2 or Street Fighter was I asked by the game to go to the store and pick up cat litter (or hedgehog litter).

This reminds me of when my friend Wes had overclocked his P3 to play the first “Deus Ex.” He opened the computer case and turned the AC (in the abandoned apartment he was squatting in) down as low as it would go. It was September and you could see your breath in there. Wrapped in blankets we watched him play this revolutionary game. My turn came and I chose to start over from the beginning. About 5 minutes in I was supposed to sneak into a medical complex and do something important. I walked in the front door, guns a blazing and killed every person in the lobby. Alarms sounded and troops were dispatched. I died and the game was over. The whole thing lasted under 6 minutes. I just remember breaking the icicles off my nose and saying, “This game sucks. I’m out of here.”

I guess that’s why I’m a Wii Tennis man. Pick it up, play for 10 min, put it down…whatever. Just keep it casual.


Apparently Yahtzee agrees with me: