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The Red Reading

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Monday June 3rd was my birthday! I am 32 years old and STILL aging! If you want to say “HAPPY FANCY BIRTHDAY!” might I suggest sharing HE with your friends via your link medium of choice? Might I also point you to my Amazon Wishlist and my donation pageCELEBRATE ME FOREVER!!!

I’m really hoping George R.R. Martin’s A Game Of Thrones inspired coffee table book is just page after glossy page of arterial blood spray.

!!!SPOILERS FOR THE CURRENT SEASON OF GAME OF THRONES IN THE COMMENTS!!!

!!!PLEASE NO SPOILERS FOR THE BOOKS/SHOW BEYOND THE RED WEDDING!!!

COMMENTERS: So how about that Red Wedding? Yeesh.

Comments (34)

Wesley's avatar

Wesley· 104 weeks ago

Happy Belated Birthday Old Man!
I say that as you are only one day older than I. 🙂
Shit balls just about covers my reaction 🙂
Deinse is back!! I’m happy to see her again.
Mike's avatar

Mike· 104 weeks ago

As someone who read all 5 books the second season 1 was over, watching the reaction to The Red Wedding has been great. It’s been horrible KNOWING this was coming and hearing everyone go on and on about what a great show Game of Thrones is. Yes it’s a great show, but dayum if anybody can die at any time. All the “OMG THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE” fans forgot that fact.

1 · active 103 weeks ago

Bemmie's avatar

Bemmie· 104 weeks ago

I Had a horrible nightmare where Serenity was being renewed with Whedon directing, but it was being written by George RR Martin…Yay i’m getting my favourite characters back and oh god oh god they’re all going to die!
Candace's avatar

Candace· 104 weeks ago

Awesome! I think it’s been a while since we’ve gotten to see any HE arterial blood spray. I sort of miss that sometimes about the older HE comics, when the characters would die horribly in gouts of arterial blood spray, then be back alive and OK the next comic, kind of like a Looney Tunes cartoon, except bloodier. I realize doing that now would spoil the continuity, and I do enjoy the continuity, so glad you found a way to work in some glorious blood spray without breaking continuity. :-)Of course, it’s hard to top the climax of the artpocalyse, in which everyone was bathing in oceans of blood. That was beautiful.
It was not the worst atrocity of the Boltons. We must never forget the crimes of Lord Michael of House Bolton. His blasphemous hymns have wrought much pain.Also, you know nothing, show watchers.

1 · active 103 weeks ago

UnitedShoes37's avatar

UnitedShoes37· 103 weeks ago

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lu3tcpORu31r5it…
Fear not. I will drive out the usurper and reclaim my ancestral seat and all will be right with the world.
Jason's avatar

Jason· 104 weeks ago

I’ve read all of the books and I thought that I would be prepared for this episode. Honestly, it just made it worse. I was starting to worry in the episode when Robb first planned to attack Casterly Rock. I just knew it was coming but it was still a little surprising. Robb’s wife is completely different and not pregnant in the books, so the baby maiming was just as shocking to me as it was to people experiencing the Red Wedding for the first time.
 3 replies · active 103 weeks ago
Paul's avatar

Paul· 104 weeks ago

Robb’s wife is pregnant in the books, but holed up at Riverrun with the Blackfish, and she’s Jayne Westerling, not some foreigner from across the Narrow Sea.
Jason's avatar

Jason· 103 weeks ago

Ahh. Ok. Thanks for that correction. I forgot she was pregnant.
She’s not pregnant. Or not anymore. Someone stuffed her full of moon tea to fix any possible “problems” she might be harboring.
Jason's avatar

Jason· 104 weeks ago

Spoilers for the finale!!!!!
Picard is captured and assimilated by the Borg, and the episode ends with Riker firing on the Borg Cube that has Locutus on it. Cliffhanger!
90percentgeek's avatar

90percentgeek· 104 weeks ago

I honestly didn’t see it coming! I’m avoided reading the books until after the show is finished as it’s one series I hadn’t got round to reading before they chose to adapt it for TV. I heard some muttering about ‘The Red Wedding’ and at first I thought it was going to be the Red Lady marrying someone. Only when they were all in the drinking hall and all the women rushed out of the room did I suddenly recall that old viking tradition of inviting your enemy to a feast, getting him drunk, and then charging in and killing him and all his men. At which point I suddenly couldn’t believe that Rob would be so stupid as to go into the situation without guards or without at least noticing the potential for danger!
My only consolation now is that potentially something truly horrible will happen to Joffrey!
2 replies · active 103 weeks ago
robgonzo's avatar

robgonzo· 104 weeks ago

The series doesn’t play up enough the idea of ‘guest right’ that the book does. Catelyn warns Robb to make sure Frey shares “bread and salt” i.e. refreshments with them as soon as they arrive because then the Sacred Law of Hospitality is in place and he can’t hurt them. It’s just not done in Westeros.
UnitedShoes37's avatar

UnitedShoes37· 103 weeks ago

Also, they didn’t play up that Robb had guards, not that it did him any good (seriously, I just reread that chapter a few days ago. Cat mentions being so relieved that he brought two of his most trusted knights, kept them sober, and kept them fairly close to his seat. Can’t remember what happens to them after the carnage begins though)
I actually thought that it was much less grisly than the book. The slaughter of all the Stark soldiers, hundreds of bodies floating down the river and most of all the chapter ends with you thinking that Arya is dead too.Looking back, I had a similar reaction to some of the fans watching the TV show though I kept it to myself; as is required by law for English gents such as myself.
I’m not watching the show now – I have the DVDs ordered – but the TV Blackwater was about as over-the-top as they possibly could have staged, given the realities of their budget. Well, that, and the fact that the battle occurred mostly at night – you can’t get Jackson-scaled CGI overkill when it’s all torchlight and magic explosions – “Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.” The first season’s “battles” were so laughably non-existent that I honestly didn’t expect what we *did* get in the second season.
Lfreeze's avatar

Lfreeze· 104 weeks ago

Greywind, not Ghost.
jasomenaso's avatar

jasomenaso· 104 weeks ago

GOT is making Walking Dead look like sesame street!
Jonathan H.'s avatar

Jonathan H.· 104 weeks ago

Was my birthday as well, and I also turned 32. Glad you’re still with us making people laugh 🙂
scarlettb's avatar

scarlettb· 104 weeks ago

My mother’s reaction when I asked her what she thought, “The CGI department has really mastered the throat-slitting effect.”
robgonzo's avatar

robgonzo· 104 weeks ago

If anyone wants to see how it goes down in the Books they should check out the Wiki of Ice and Fire. http://awoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/Red_Wedding
tl;dr's avatar

tl;dr· 103 weeks ago

I’ve watched the Game of Thrones and I have learned how it is played
I’ve seen characters rise and fall through dragons, plots, and blades
But underused the most powerful weapon still remains:
The rampant male organ of the one called Podrick Payne!Poor Ned “the Eddard” Stark thought his honor would see him through
But his attempt at Cersi-mercy merely got him screwed
Yet, would his sense of honor have left him feeling constrained
If he’d had just one night of beastly lust with Podrick Payne?Cersi and Jaime’s love broke Brandon’s back to stay hidden
And now the kingdoms are at war since these lovebirds are kin
But would their incest-driven urges still bear this war’s blame
If both these Lannisters rode, not horses, but Podrick Payne?

Theon Greyjoy was sent as ward (hostage) to Winterfell
Quoth dad: “You’ve forgot your kin!”, so he screwed the Starks as well
Yet, I propose he would have dropped the slight of kin long-slain
If his kraken got a smackin’ from the snake of Podrick Payne

King Joeffrey is a tosser-douche of the highest degree
An inbred piece of slime and filth scraped off a demon’s knee
Yet, would he . . . no, forget it, such a pairing I’ll refrain
He can’t deserve to be pleasured by Podrick fucking Payne!

The White Walkers, those buggers, killed another Stark (Benjen)
But whiney Jon Snow can’t kill them back sans obsidian
Sam DID stab one wight from behind, but still the point remains
What if he’d been stabbed in THE behind . . . by Podrick Payne?

And now we come to the events of this past Sunday’s eve
The Red Wedding (Bolton and Frey!!!) had left us all to grieve
But Walder and Roose might have relented had it been arranged
That, instead of Edmure, Robb had brought them Podrick Payne

There are characters still alive that leave us still with grins
Arya (she’s Batman!), Tyrion, Daenerys plus dragons
But all their tribulations could have been dodged and restrained
If all of Westeros had but a taste of Podrick Payne .

DuckAmuck's avatar

DuckAmuck· 103 weeks ago

Again, I say “I think it’s awesome that Arya gets to play Eddie Furlong with her own pet Terminator.”
AdinfinitumSpero's avatar

AdinfinitumSpero· 103 weeks ago

I don’t think that table book was as realistic as advertised , I didn’t see any white stains
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The Mystery Box

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Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our University of Gallifrey Fighting Time Lords Shirt over at Sharksplode.

Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts, nerdy shirts

BIG NEWS! The HijiNKS ENSUE Store will be shutting down for a few weeks so I can make some big, exciting changes. [READ MORE HERE] If there is a shirt you want, and you DON’T WANT to wait until sometime after San Diego Comicon, you should probably buy it now. This week will be your last chance for a at least a few weeks. Please check out this blog post to see which designs won’t be coming back, in case you want one of those.

NEWS 2: I will be at San Diego Comicon at the Blind Ferret Booth with Least I Could Do, Looking For Group, GuttersGirls With Slingshots and possibly more. It’s going to be a blast and a frakking half.

Make sure you check out my guest comic over at Sam & Fuzzy! It is one of my favorite things that I have ever made (for serious). It stars Sam, Jeph and me and finally brings to life my favorite of Sam’s intentionally terrible shirt ideas all the way back from SDCC 2010.

Sam And Fuzzy Guest Comic

To Josh, vaginas might as well be the Higgs boson particle. He can see evidence of their existence and their perceived effect on objects around them, but he can’t directly view them or fully understand their purpose.

I still haven’t seen a single episode of Game Of Thrones, but from what I understand the season is nearly over so I should be able to acquire it and binge the whole thing over a weekend pretty soon. The typical post show review I see on the Twitters goes something like: “OMG GAMEOFTHRONES WTFBALLS?!?!?!! WHY IS THIS SHOW SO RAPEY?! ALSO WHY IS IT SO GOOOOOOOD?!?!?!? #aGameOfRape #aRapeOfThrones #twincest #soooorapey #sexslaves #bestshow” Being the world’s foremost Internet cryptographer, I am able to feed those mad ramblings into my Code-puter, cross reference them with The Talmud and decipher what is essentially a positive review. Good enough for me.

COMMENTERS: I Feel free to post your spoiler free thoughts on the Game Of Thrones television program or other stuff. You know. Whatever.

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A Conundrum Of Fancy Chairs

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Sharksplode.com - Geeky Nerdy T-Shirts, Funny Tee ShirtsWhat I know about Game Of Thrones: It’s an HBO mini-series based off a very popular book series by George R. R. Martin (I assume that’s a Tolkien reference) and all geeks seem to love it.

What I do not know about Game Of Thrones: Anything else.

I can tell this is going to be my new Harry Potter or Doctor Who, where it’s the geek franchise that everyone can rally behind with near universal geek adulation, but I end up 5 years late to the party.

I don’t even have HBO… though excuses such as that don’t seem to really hold up when you’re a motivated internet-type individual.

COMMENTERS: Feel free to discuss the first episode in the comments. I will use your words to further pretend I know what’s going on when this show comes up.

A NEW THING!!! I have launched Sharksplode.com. It is NOT a replacement for The HijiNKS ENSUE Store. It IS a place that I can put up my more niche, inside, “maybe not for everyone, but definitely for super geeks like us” shirt ideas.

The Doctor Is In T-Shirt

You can now order a “The Doctor Is In” shirt based off the “You’re The Last of The Time Lords, Charlie Brown” comic. It comes in blue or brown. So go check out the site, read the initial blog post and order you some wearable geekiness that will illicit awkward stares.

[Side note: I was up for 30+ hours straight between Sunday and… I guess Tuesday working on the site, getting it working/ready to go, etc. so I am horribly behind on comics at the moment. I appreciate your patience.]