Doctor, It Hurts When You Do This.

Update 09-03-14: I am frantically trying to update/backdate new comics so there are 4 a week for every week since I got back from Toronto.

Teaching kids to deal with and even anticipate disappointment is tough. Teaching them that certain humans called “Genre Fiction Showrunners” revel in building up their hopes, just to dash them against the bloody rocks is nearly impossible. Children want to believe people are basically good, but they lack the experience and emotional sophistication to comprehend that many showrunners often are not… people, that is.

My Patrons can see the original last panel to this comic with completely different dialog and a different ending [HERE]. 


My wife and I will often carry on these deep, philosophical and analytical conversations about the worlds our kid’s shows take place in. Curious George is a frequent puzzler for us. George occupies a universe where no one takes issue with a man raising an ape (no tail = not a monkey) as a child. They can all understand him when he “talks” and they almost always leave him in charge of their stores, restaurants, human children, dumptrucks, air traffic control stations, etc. when the opportunity presents itself. The other, almost MORE crazy, thing people in George’s world do is give him stuff to deliver. “Oh hey, George the animal ape! Can you take this pie to Mrs. Stevens on Elmhurst St. She’s in the Parker building between 5th and 6th in apartment 14b. You got all that, George? George the naked ape? Can you be trusted to take her this food, and to NOT put your feces covered paws all over it? YOU CAN?! Excellent!” They even sent him to space once*.

Then we realized what we’re talking about and go make a sex, or drink delicious wine or whatever grownups do.

*DISCLAIMER: Curious George is actually an excellent show for children from about 2 to 9. Every episode is about using the scientific method to solve real world problems, and I’ve seen the positive effects it has on my daughter. It gets her thinking in that “hypothesis, experiment, evaluate results, try again” headspace. After she finishes an episode, she usually runs to the craft table and tries to build a scale version of whatever contraption George built to stop cap the out of control underwater oil well or whatever.

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Sonic Screwdriver earrings my wife made! 

sonic screwdriver earings matt smith elevelth doctor who etsy

Curiosity Kills

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our University of Gallifrey Fighting Time Lords Shirt over at Sharksplode.

Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts, nerdy shirts

The newly relaunched HE Store is up and running over at Blind Ferret. Please go check it out and maybe buy a book or a shirt or something. Shirts will begin shipping soon.

I’m probably going to go see this Rise Of The Planet of The Apes movie. I hope it’s better than the last one with Marky Mark and Chimpraham Lincoln.

I worked really hard to recreate the style of the classic Curious George books. I hope you enjoy that aspect of the comic. I watch a lot of the current Curious George series with my daughter being that it is infinitely more palatable than your Doras and Diegos and such. One thing that always confuses me is how often people are leaving George in charge of their store or their restaurant while they go run errands. There’s a lot of, “Now George, keep an eye on the store while I’m gone and don’t get into any trouble.” What? What?! He’s a god damn monkey? The moment your back is turned he’s throwing poo at your customers and having sex with your cash register.

Maybe this is how it all starts. First we let them mind our stores, and pizza parlors and hair salons. Next they are throwing school busses into helicopters and running for political office. We need to do what we can to keep these apes oppressed. Next time you see a monkey, look it right in the eyes and call it a shit head. Maybe throw a rock at it. And taped to the rock is a note that says, “Hey Monkey. You’re a shithead.” We’ll know if they are getting too smart if they start throwing the rocks back with new notes that say, “Nah uh! You are!”

COMMENTERS: You going to see this Ape film?

Dallas Fancy Bastards! I am going to be at STRIP: The Dallas Webcomic Expo this Saturday [August 6th] from 10-5pm. It’s only $5 to get in. Come get a book or a sketch. It’s a very low key show and I’ll probably be doing a fun times panel with the dude from Cyanide and Happiness.

AC DEATH UPDATE: As some of you know, my AC died last week and living without AC in Texas is not an option. Buying a replacement unit is $3000 (all of which I do not have). If you enjoy my ability to make comics without dying of heat stroke, please consider making a donation, buying something from the store or buying something from Sharksplode. In the last week you wonderful Fancy Bastards have already donated nearly $800 towards the AC repairs. Thank you so very much. Your generosity means so much to me and my family.