2015-07-01-sharksplode-sharing-size

Sharing Size

2015-07-01-sharksplode-sharing-size

THIS ISN’T AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL COMIC ABOUT ME! SHUT UP! NO IT ISN’T! I’M NOT UGLY CRYING YOU’RE UGLY CRYING! YOU’RE THE ONE! YOOOOOOOU’RE THEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOONE!!! *ugly cries into a Nestle Cookies & Cream bar for 20 minutes

Remember like 5-10 years ago when a big bag of M&M’s was just a BIG BAG of M&M’s? It was just an option. A choice. Do I want some M&M’s or do I want some-and-a-half M&M’s? Now the slightly bigger bag of M&M’s has all this preloaded judgement and shame. First of all, it provides the nutritional information for one serving, then goes on to the describe the bag as something like two and a half servings. A bit of nearly impossible math later and you feel bad for wanting to eat 28 M&M’s instead of 11. Then, as the panels above suggest, the bag is labeled “Sharing Size.” This is a masterful one-two punch of shame. First, it implies that only a gross garbage monster would eat the entire bag in one sitting. THEN it goes on to imply that only a gross garbage monster with no friends would eat ANY amount of M&M’s alone! This bag isn’t for you! It’s for you AND your friends! Call them up, “Hey dudes! You got plans for tonight? NOT ANY MORE! I’ve got a Nestle Crunch bar that breaks into 4 pieces and explicitly states that it is to be shared with my buddies! You’ll bring the beer and the music? SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING CANDY BAR PARTY!!!”

“Sharing Size” is such a horseshit excuse. It’s a smokescreen; a cop-out that absolves the candy company from any wrong doing if you eat a million candy bars and die in a chocolate ditch. “We told him to share. Did he heed our words?” Big candy bars used to be called “King Size.” Some still carry this nomenclature and I prefer it by far. It’s the exact opposite of “Sharing Size.” “King Size” implies that I am the sole RULER of this candy bar, and under no obligation to parse it out to the peasants groveling in their own squalor in the mucky fields far beneath the chocolate tower that contains my delicious throne. “Oh, the serfs are unhappy, you say? Let them eat SHIT, cuz the candy is for THE KING! It says so right on the wrapper.”

2014-08-14-candy-is-dandy-but-liquor-is-quicker

Candy Is Dandy, But Liquor Is Quicker

2014-08-14-candy-is-dandy-but-liquor-is-quicker

Despite Joel being the actual culprit in this comic, in real life whenever the issue of, “Who will drink this ridiculous nonsense liquid?” comes up, David Willis can generally be called on to do the job. Birthday cake vodka and Mountain Dew, whipped cream vodka and Rootbeer, fan-donated Courvoisier and a few Cadburry eggs… you get the idea. He’s like a garbage disposal for… liquid garbage. Is that a thing? Oh, right. A toilet. He’s a toilet.

I used to pride myself on my ability to haggle. I was quite good at it. I was in sales for 10 years (thus the penchant for finding the best “deal”) and many of those years were spent on the phone doing various kinds of product and service support. This experience afforded me the fortunate burden of “being on the other side” of calls with people like me, looking to get something for nothing (or, more accurately, “Something for less than other people typically pay.”). The upside to this was the knowledge that the people “on the other side” can usually sweeten deals, give freebies and remove fees if they feel like. I had those options in my jobs, so I knew they did as well. The downside was dealing with the me’s of the world that KNEW I could sweeten the deal, and instead of just being pleasant or engaging or interesting, thus AFFORDING them whatever special treatment I was able to provide, they  called me out on it and DEMANDED special treatment just because it was possible within the realm of human experience. Well, if every confident dickhead got special treatment, it wouldn’t be very special would it? My time in sales and on the phones follows a very close bell curve of the increase and decline in my interest in haggling. It’s dirty business and a horrific amount of unnecessary effort and frustration in the grand scheme. I prefer to look for good deals online rather than cause other humans the distress of having to deal with people who are “in the know.”

becomepatron

I can still turn on my phone skills when the need arrises. Those who have “served time” with a headset in a cubicle know what I mean. My daughter heard me recently on the phone with some company that we pay for some sort of service or other, and she commented, “Daddy! You sound like a TV guy!”

COMMENTERS: Have you ever talked your way out of being charged for something that you TOTALLY should have been charged for?

ALTERNATELY: Do you have any useful skills that you acquired from a job or experience that you hated?