JoCo Cruise Crazy 3 Guest Fortnight is over! We are safely docked somewhere in Alabama or Mississippi or one of the other states you are supposed to completely avoid. The passenger unload is going much faster than anticipated since we don’t have any luggage. I mean we HAVE luggage, but after 4 days without power or running water pretty much everything became a de facto toilet. We’ve drunk all the fresh water from our souvenir snow globes and boiled the shells from our souvenir necklaces to make a sort of broth we called Sea Juice. All in all this trip was 100 times better than the time I went to Branson.

If I may be ever so slightly serious for a moment, JoCo Cruise Crazy 3 was once again a transformative experience. I made new friends, strengthened old friendships, frolicked on tropical beaches with some of my favorite people and received world class entertainment every single day and night provided by some of the most wonderful funny people, musicians, and purveyors of talent that I have ever shared a floating mall-hotel with. If you are on the fence about going next year, GET OFF THAT DAMN FENCE! It’s a week of fun that you will never forget or regret. It’s crazy expensive, but what are you going to take with you when you die? Money or memories? (If they find a way to let you take money with you when you die, I will go back and amend this post, because… I mean, c’mon. That would be AWESOME.) I haven’t even gone through my photos yet, but if I do make Fancy Photo Comics of this trip I will post them somewhere besides the front page of the website so that those of you (heartless, joyless wretches) who do not enjoy them will not have to be unnecessarily burdened.

This final Guest Fortnight offering (on the theme of me accidentally getting on the wrong boat) comes from my friend Chris Hallbeck of Maximumble, Minimumble and his flagship comic The Book Of Biff. Chris and I are both parents of young children and seem to share many of the same ideas about raising a functional, exceptional human in a weird internet world and blah blah blah mushy frienship whatever HE MADE THIS SHIRT WHICH I THINK IS VERY FUNNY. Also this mug. Funny. Go buy those things.

As a little tag to Chris’s joke, I thought I would include this photo that I took in a shipboard karaoke booth with Wil Wheaton and John Scalzi. Somehow I knew it would come in handy. [click to embiggen]

CRUISE FUNDRAISER: 85/100 prints are sold and it would be great to sell that last few remaining prints before the end of the year. I am also going to leave up the additional prints and print packs for sale until probably February in case you want to get in on that action.

Hey Sci-Fancy Bastards! Syfy Tv Movie Title Generator Shirts are almost gone from the HE store for good and they’re CRAZY CHEAP! Men’s are down to Sm and Med. Ladies sizes are more abundant.

You guys know the Weaton Comic Dare drill by now. He dared, Stepto jumped in, I responded and did my cartoonistly duty. Everybody wins. This comic hits a little too close to home. The home which I never leave. The home in which I rarely change out of my pajamas. The very same home where I go to bed at 7am and start my day around 3m. This is a weird job. Freelancers know what I’m talking about. Putting on pants just causes problems. Like having to know where pants are, or how to clean them. Serious problems.

Bid on an auction to APPEAR IN A HIJINKS ENSUE COMIC! It’s for charity! Only 4 days left!
And only 1 day left to bid on this sweet Webcomics Jam Poster.

My desire to prevent my friends from being dissappointed by LOST is the same as Lord Elrond’s desire to save his daughter Arwen from toiling in a mortal life only to die, when eternal paradise is only a boat ride away. The irony is he WANTED her to go the island. I’m trying to keep as many people off the Island as possible. It’s not that there was NOTHING to enjoy about LOST. In fact the first 3.5 seasons are some of the finest TV that’s every been TV’d. The problem is the steeeeeeeep drop in quality halfway through the 3rd season that just continually plummets to a dismal and unsatisfying conclusion. If you have the willpower (and most don’t) to watch the first 3.5 seasons then pretend it was cancelled, you might end up being the happiest geek alive. All of your questions will still never be answered, but at least you don’t have to experience the half-hearted nonsense of the back half of the show.

COMMENTERS: When I found out my friend Stepto was going to crash his plane into the island, I tried to sum up what was about to happen to him via Twitter. Turns out it only took 4 tweets. Have you ever tried to stop a friend from delving into disappointing  geekery? Did they do it anyway? Did they love it, despite you? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FRIEND!?

The Lil’ Wil Wheaton Plushie Pre-Sale STARTS TODAY HERE in the HE Store. The ONLY way to make sure you get one by the holidays is to order during the pre-sale. They’re $19.95 + shipping. Buy one for you, one for a friend and one to customize with a little fez or horrible spacesuit sweater!

Responding to this tweet from @NicaRedHead gave me the idea for this comic. You see, my friend Wil has what science doers call “Hockey Brain.” It is a horribly debilitating condition that causes one to flail about uncontrollably, run around the house screaming and gesture incomprehensibly at the television. As of right now there is no cure and no one is currently working on a cure or doing any research on the subject. Luckily for sufferers and their families, symptoms seem to subside… oh, about right now. Science doers can not explain this sudden onset total remission, because they don’t know what channel the NHL is broadcast on and chances are they probably have it deprogrammed from their cable box anyway.

COMMENTERS: Do you or someone you love suffer from Hockey Brain? Can you explain it to me? How many downs are in an inning? Is the goal master allowed to throw his ice mallet like a javelin? Wouldn’t it be easier to play on grass or concrete? Ice seems like it would be quite slippery. I wonder if the Mayor of Sports Puck called to congratulate The Le’ Kings (must be a french team) on their victory against the Othertown Differentcolors.

“George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!!

I like to imagine that if Jorge Garcia and Sam Niel backed out of J.J. Abrams‘ Alcatraz due to extreme insulaphobia, the producers would just go down the list of combination Lost and Jurrasic Park stars. First they would ask Matthew Fox and Jeff Goldblum, then Evangeline Lily and Laura Dern until they eventually settled on the guy that played Boone and the bottom half of an animatronic triceratops.

I watched the two episode premiere of Alcatraz and I definitely enjoyed it. It seems to be the J.J. Abrams show that has learned from the mistakes (real and perceived) of previous J.J. Abrams shows. It is a serialized mystery like LOST, but they have clearly planned out a trajectory for the show as opposed to “let’s keep doing crazy shit and hope it all works out in the end.” I say this only because there is no way he would pitch another show with no endgame after the complete shit-bagel that was the final three seasons of LOST. It also relies on the LOSTesque “present day/ flashbacks” plot device to tell it’s 50 year spanning story. It worked for the first few seasons of LOST and I expect it to work for this show as long as they don’t lose themselves trying to make TOO MANY interweaving back stories in the flashbacks.

Despite the fact that I think Fringe is the best show on television, period, I know that there are aspects of it that have scared off a mass audience and even universal adoption among geeks and sci-fi fans. Chief among them are the show’s “bad guy/experiment gone wrong of the week” elements overshadowing the overall story arch and vice versa. With a show like Fringe, or the X-Files or now Alcatraz striking a balance between episodic story and seasonal story is key to maintaining audience interest without leading to frustration. Alcatraz has laid the groundwork for a pretty flexible mix between the two that should lend itself to compelling stories with a fair amount of payoff vs. new questions. Since the premise depends on some 250+ inmates, guards and personel coming back from the past (seemingly one at a time) there should be room for a nice mix of “there’s a new murderer on the loose,” “there’s an inmate that we can feel sympathetic toward,” “hey, now there’s  a guard and we need to help him find closure,” and due to the large numer of returning baddies they should be able to do the occasional ep featuring groups of them coming to the present to cause trouble.

Of couse, I might be just overly optimistic that Bad Robot is going to take everything they’ve learned from making (mostly) high quality television over the last decade and put that knowledge to good use. As a frustrated fan of LOST and an evangelist for Fringe, the “right things to do” seem obvious to me. Then again, I don’t make TV shows.

• POLL: So does Alcatraz have what it takes to be the next Lost?
• Alcatraz is only really interesting when it’s about prison brutality
• Jorge Garcia unravels the brain-twisting mysteries of Alcatraz

Speaking of people that make TV shows and J.J. Abrams, my dear friend Amy is now a writer/executive producer on Bad Robot’s Person Of Interest. It premiered at a time that I felt like I was being crushed under the weight of the amount of TV I was already watching, but I have only heard good things about the show. I need to start watching and get caught up.

COMMENTERS: What did you think of Alcatraz? Good start, shows potential or pass?  How exactly has their island time effected Hurley and Dr. Grant’s daily lives? What other combination of LOST/Jurassic Park cast members should be on Alcatraz, or any other show for that matter? How about an CSI spin-off starring Anna Lucia and Nedry? She’s the angry, drunk, tough-as-nails detective who keeps accidentally murdering people, and he’s the fat, bumbling forensic scientist that keeps getting acid spit into his face!

Speaking of other people that make TV shows, Jon Rogers makes a show called Leverage, Wil was a guest star on that show, during filming he got the whole cast saying/doing the “Sci-Five,” Aldis Hodge adlibbed one during the season finale (“The Last Dam Job”) and IT MADE IT IN! A phrase coined by one of my shirts, was uttered and acted out in a TV show that I watch. ON THE TV! What is that I don’t even…

There is a new HE Podcast. Download episode 77!

You can still order Ultimate Fancy Editions of HE Book 2 AND get your name in the book until I tell you otherwise. Could be a few more days, or longer. Not Sure Yet.

Feel free to use the new term I’ve invented, “paralleloquels,” to describe any movie that takes place in the same shared universe as it’s predecessor but isn’t a traditional sequel or prequel or threequel or fauxquel. I made that last one up too.

So Ridley Scott gets Damon Lindelof to rewrite the new Alien film only to have him come back with an original sci-fi screenplay that isn’t an “Alien” story but potentially takes place in the same continuity. Does anyone else get the feeling that Damon Lindelof just tries to solve every tough writing situation with a flash-sideways?  At the end of the film, is the heroine going to stumble, bloodied and beaten, into a space chapel only to find Ripley, Dallas, Bishop, Newt, Bill Paxton and the aliens hugging (or face-hugging) it out just before they embrace the abyss? Speaking of The Abyss, that water monster is probably there too. So are the ocean aliens from Deep Star Six, Kyle Reese and Wilfred Oatmeal McDiabeteStache from Cocoon.

COMMENTERS: Now that they aren’t doing the prequel, let’s speculate on what it should have been about? Also, let’s figure out what  movies would have been better franchise mashup partners with Alien than Predator. How about Look Who’s Talking? The aliens could have cutesy comments finding their own tails while still gestating in their human hosts. Of course Jon Travolta and Kirstie Alley would return. They’re both Scientologists so playing host to alien organisms is already part of their day to day lives.

• Ridley Scott’s Alien Prequel is dead, but out of its ashes rises a brand new alien
• ‘Alien‘ Prequel Now Just a Stand-Alone Movie That Vaguely Connects to ‘Alien‘ Franchise

This Wetworks pilot from J.J. Abrams (starring Michael Emerson and Terry O’Quinn) probably isn’t trying to be the next LOST <cough>FlashForward</cough>, but the connection to the geek-favorite frustration bonanza is certainly part of the potential appeal. I would be more likely to watch it if in every episode Michael Emerson gets the crap kicked out of his crap-bag and O’Quinn does that orange peal smile thing. You know, just as a nod all the fans.

Abrams is a busy man. In between buying my Groverfield shirt over a year ago (did I tell that story already? I did? Oh, I tell it constantly? Oh.), executive producing Fringe and Undercovers, directing Star Trek 2 and Mission Impossible 4, and producing Cloverfield 2 and Super 8 he still has another 15 projects in the works. And did I mention the thing with the shirt? He might be our generations most prolific geek. Or perhaps he knows something we don’t know about the end of the world, and he wants to get as much geekery in as possible before some sort of cataclysm. Did I say anything about the shirt yet?

Speaking of Fringe, holy crapternate (the alternat universe version of “holy crap”) was the season premiere stellar! Again, Fringe is the best sci-fi on TV and you should blow through the sort-of-stumbly season 1 to get to the oh-so-goods of seasons 2 and 3. Fringe‘s only flaws are that there are times when it isn’t on and that it can’t love me back.

• Linus and Locke team up for new J.J. Abrams TV series
• NBC Orders Wetworks Pilot Reuniting LOST Alumni Abrams, Emerson and O’Quinn!!
• Hercules Deems J.J. Abrams’ UNDERCOVERS Autumn’s Biggest Disappointment!!
• TV THIS WEEK: Chuck and Fringe are back, and The Event begins

HEROES CON in CHARLOTTE, NC is NEXT WEEKEND!!!

Here’s a handy map that I made so that you can easily locate your favorite webcomics artists while at the convention. My 29th birthday will be during the con. I am expecting party hats and pasties pastries.

LOST has been done with for over a week now. I miss the hatch. I miss the time traveling bunnies. I miss how Ben’s face looked like canned apricot preserves after a fresh beating. Awwww sonofabitch, Freckles, I miss the dang polar bear.

Science Fiction TV-Movie Title Generator T-Shirt @Topatoco!!!

Presented in the right way I think “Limbo Beach” could be a smash hit. It’s like Gilligan’s Island meets Fantasty Island meets DHARMA Island meets The Ghost Whisperer [I know I’m being silly, but seriously… can’t you see a network exec just about pissing his pants when he hears that pitch?]. And since ABC passed on picking up “The Boobs n’ Spectre Mystery Hour,” Jennifer Love Hewitt could reprise her role on my new show. She could play the up tight resort operations manager and all sorts of hilarity would ensue because only she and Hurley could speak to the guests [I’m sure Miles would have a small part as the hand man or something]. That goofy ol’ Ben would always be getting into trouble, delivering clean towels to the wrong DHARMA station bungalo, or accidentally murdering Rose and Bernard. I’m telling you it would be a riot of Lucile Ballian proportions.

For you comment challenge, please come up with a different show ABC can produce to recapture their lost LOSTies, OR a plot device (including a LOST cast member guest star) for an episode of “Limbo Beach.”

• ABC looking to reboot the Alias series?
• Watch the trailer for ABC’s live-action version of The Incredibles [No Ordinary Family]
• ABC Cancels FLASHFORWARD, SCRUBS, BETTER OFF TED And ROMANTICALLY CHALLENGED!!
• V Picked Up For A Second Season!

More LOST links:

• Lost: Life with Hurley and Ben on the Island [excellent LOST comics by Nedroid]
• Dude! Lost‘s creators explain they actually IMPROVISED!

[thanks to Roger for hosting the LOST finale viewing party and giving me the idea for this comic]

MORE LOST FINALE SPOILERS BELOW!!!

Just so we are clear, the main purpose of the castaways’ final moments on The Island was to solve a plumbing problem. “Well, see what you got here is yer stopper what keeps the magic water from drainin’ outta your light beam got removed. Probably by a common household Desmond. You see ’em in these parts all the time. Livin’ in hatches, pushin’ buttons, NOT pushin’ buttons. Gettin’ into a whole mess’o trouble.”

NEW SHIRT! NEW SHIRT! THE BEST SHIRT I’VE EVER MADE!!!

Science Fiction TV-Movie Title Generator T-Shirt @Topatoco!!!

There is also a PRINT of this design too!

I am still gathering my thoughts on the LOST finale, but I don’t know if I want to post them here or in a podcast or just bury them deep inside until my anus belches out a cloud of murderous black smoke. We’ll see. For now I can say that it ended the way I expected it to based on the last couple of seasons. LOST completely abandoned the story I was totally enthralled with (DHARMA, Others, numbers, hatches, buttons, polar bears, etc) a LONG time ago, and since then I have come to understand that the plot lines I was so invested in are never going to be resolved. I think I got over the frustration of that realization a while back and since then, I’ve just been coasting on familiar characters and settings. Just like BSG, I find the “magic” aspect of the show really dissapointing. I like fantasy when I know that’s what I’m getting into, but LOST was supposed to be Science Fiction. And it was for 3 years or so. Now it’s all hocus pocus, and destiny, and “let’s all meet in purgatory for a party when we die” and such.

OK, I need to stop myself before I rant for 6 pages. Post your thoughts in the comments.
DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SPOILED!!!

Here are some more things to read:

• Everyone’s Waiting (Lost “The End” recap)
• Lost Finale Recap: Case Closed (WOW! This is a good read for any LOST fan)
• Lost was the ultimate long con
• Catch up on 6 years of Lost (in 24 hours) with this infographic
• Even Lost’s animators had no idea what the smoke monster was

NEW SHIRT! NEW SHIRT! THE BEST SHIRT I’VE EVER MADE!!!

Science Fiction TV-Movie Title Generator T-Shirt @Topatoco!!!

There is also a PRINT of this design too!

This particular volume of “Tales Of the Enchanted Island Where Extremely Coincidental Things Happen All The Time For No Particular Reason, As It Turns Out” presents a difficult challenge to the reader. The first three chapters are actually in the middle of the book. After reading one page of Chapter 1, you have to go back 3 chapters and read one page from Chapter Negative 1. You alternate this way until you get to Chapter 4 (which is the 7th chapter), at which point you alternate reading one page from Chapter 4 and one page from the final chapter of the book. I can’t remember what you do for Chapter 5. Maybe you just skip it. Then for Chapter 6 you alternate reading one page from Chapter 6 and another page from the 6th Chapter of a completely different book. Any book. Reader’s choice.

• 50 Questions Lost Really Does Need To Answer
• 10 Questions Lost Needs To Answer
• Lost’s Hurley and Carlton Cuse are ready for the fan backlash

[Observant HE readers will note that this is my 2nd attempt at this particular metaphor. I think I’ve ironed out most of the kinks and have a good working theorem here.]

Side Note: Soul Hole is my Sexual Chocolate cover band.

If you want to buy a HijiNKS ENSUE book, now would be a great time… because I haven’t really sold any since Xmas… and it’s starting to get worrisome over here. HAPPY STUFF! PONIES! ICE CREAMS! YAY!

If you don’t want to buy a book or make a small donation to help support the continuation of the comic, how about following me on Twitter? That’s all kinds of free and super satisfying.

NOTE: I wrote an entire giant post about my thoughts on the premiere and LOST in general and Google Chrome (Dev Channel) ate it. I doubt I am going to retype the whole thing. Sorry.

Feel free to post your light-to-no spoilers thoughts on the LOST season 6 premiere in the comments.

• The LOST Bingo (or Drinking) game
• What The Hell Is Going To Happen On Lost? Our Theories
• Be Good To Us Lost: 16 Hopes For The Final Season
• Refresh Your Lost History With New Timeline

Maybe the giant turtle is UNDER the island, and the H-bomb will awaken him from his 1000 year slumber to rain slow turtley terror upon the island’s inhabitants!

This comic was intended to run right after the “LOST” Season 5 finale, but… it didn’t. Just pretend it got stuck in a complicated time loop and spent the last 3 years in 1977.

***SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE LOST SEASON 5 FINALE***

Jack Shephard is off his fucking nut. He’s a few fish biscuits short of a box of DHARMA fish biscuits, if you know what I mean. Even if his plan to BLOW UP TIME works, he will essentially be making everyone’s life [but his own] worse. Charlie would still be a junkie and probably still be dead, Kate would be in prison, Sawyer would have no closure with his dad, Desmond would still be on the island away from Penny, Locke would still be in a wheel chair (i suppose you can argue that his new found sense of purpose and the ability to walk may not have been worth his life in the end), Juliette would still be a captive of Ben, Sun would have left Jin and Jin wouldn’t have stopped being an asshole, and Hurley… well, he always seems fine, so I suppose his life would be the same.

My new theory is that Jacob’s enemy, Fake-Locke, has actually been every dead island person who has appeared to anyone else. That includes Shannon, Boone, Christian, Claire, Hurley’s head-deads, etc. My guess is that he was unable to kill Jacob directly, so he had to trick Ben into doing it.

***END SPOILERS***

A couple of quick things:

• FB Brian Murff did an interview with me for his blog, Tech + Lifestyle, and you can read it HERE.
• I donated some comic prints to be auctioned at Can’t Stop The Serenity:Toronto 2009, and you can learn more about that HERE.
  
• Yesterday I posted the original rough draft version of this comic in The Vault [HERE]. If you are relatively new to HE, read up on The Experiment and make a DONATION to get Vault access if you like.
  

Even though I’ve never seen A.L.I.A.S., Josh tells me it had the same undertones. Maybe Felicity did too. It was, after all, about time travel. Maybe J.J. Abrams only has the one idea. Regardless I am going to stick around for Fringe and see where it goes. The pilot got me interested and the follow up episode that aired last night, while not stellar, managed to keep me interested. I am still “take it or leave it” at this point.

Check out HE Podcast # 28 (around 02:09:30) to hear our complete opinions on the pilot, the show’s concept, its chances for survival and why Josh hates it so much.

You can also voice your own opinion on Fringe in this Fancy Bastard Forum thread. If you haven’t already joined the FBF, feel free to do so NOW! Only a couple of rules: 1) Don’t be a jerk to anyone ever 2) Don’t be hateful to anyone ever 3) Debate but do not argue or attack 4) Have geeky fun

Ding-Dongs can be used as a flotation device. So can Hurley.  The resulting tsunami actually destroyed The Island.

I assume at least some of you haven’t seen the LOST Season 4 finale, so rest assured this comic doesn’t give anything away. It is merely an alternate (more realistic) course of events that could have taken place in last night’s episode.

For those that have seen it… are you kidding me? You saw everyone looking at the lard-ass-son-ma-bitch. They were all thinking it. Survival of the fittest, motherfuckers.

Don’t forget to sign up for your summer internship with Octagon Global Recruiting.

Remember, you can’t spell “ARRRGGGHHHH!!!” without ARG.

UPDATE:

Apparently this was the 100th HijiNKS Ensue comic (not counting the 2 guest comics).  I’ve considered doing a book of the first 100 comics, then doing the the first full 2 years (all of 2007-08) as a deluxe book when the time comes.

Forget Fisher Stevens! They should get Scott Bakula on LOST. He needs to way to repent for his crimes. Actually, they don’t need any Quantum Leap actors since Desmond is basically a Scottish Dr. Sam Beckett. Think about it. When the hatch blew, that was him “stepping into the Quantum Leap Accelerator.” For a while there with Charlie he was striving to “put right what once went wrong.” Instead of “Oh, boy” he says “(oh) brother.” Al is Sam’s “constant” just as Penny is Desmond’s. Ok, wait. I started typing this as a joke. Now I just think they ripped off Quantum Leap.

Also they had a helicopter… that’s just like “Airwolf!” Those bastards. And Walt is “Small Wonder!” It’s all 80’s TV!

• Locke = Mr. Belvedere
• Ecko= Mr. T as B.A. Baracus from “The A Team”
• Jack = some guy from St. “Elsewhere” or possibly Sam from “Cheers”
• ummmm… premise getting thin… must recover…
• Hurley = Natalie from “Facts of Life”
• Oh wait! Ecko and Locke are both Bull from “Nightcourt!” No! Ecko is Mac, Jack is Judge Harry, Sawyer is Dan Fielding, Kate is Christine Sullivan, Rose is Roz (YES! YES!), Rousseau is Selma, the Others are Phil the homeless guy, the smoke monster is Mel Torme (get it? “The Velvet Fog“), and the island is the courthouse which exists out of phase with the rest of the world (because it’s AT NIGHT!!!) IT ALL MAKES SENSE! I HAVE JUST SOLVED LOST!
• LOST = NIGHT COURT FTW!!!LOLOLeleventy1!11!00!!LOLZ

I think I just had a faneurysm. Did I ust invent that word? Don’t fucking steal it! I’m going to put it on a shirt or something.

I didn’t actually forget because I never knew about it. That’s weird. Despite that fact that I would have no reason to turn on ABC while Lost isn’t airing, you would think the particular internets I frequent would be buzzing with Lost premier news.

For those that must be in the know, io9.com has extremely detailed Lost spoilers here, here, here and here.

TV Guide’s Michael Ausiello has some updates on the premier and a few minor spoilers. He also says the writer’s strike might be over with an announcement as early as tomorrow.

Is it just me, or have you all enjoyed this break from TV? I started to realize how little I actually enjoyed some of the shows I was watching (Prison Break), and have been able to let them go. I feel like a contrived, poorly planned, monotonous burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

It will be nice to see the writers getting back to work and the watchable shows coming back to the air. I hope the industry reemerges stronger and smarter because of this ordeal.

I wonder what long term effects the strike will have on shows like Lost that already have odd production schedules. Truncated season? 4 mini seasons instead of 3? 4 deaths per episode? Can they resurrect Niki and Paulo and kill them again?

Nostalgia Side Note:

I started Hijinks Ensue last May with the idea of making fun of geek culture, especially TV. Lost was one of the first shows I tackled. Check out those early efforts here, here, and here.

!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!

Wait, that generally goes before the spoilers in question, doesn’t it? Oh well. I’ve ruined the most hyped movie ever for each of you. At least when you get to the theater you can watch all the unlucky numbskulls that have no idea what’s going to happen and gloat. Then, right about minute 31:24, you can stand up and yell, “I HOPE HE DOESN’T FUCK THE STATUE OF LIBERTY’S HEAD OFF! THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE FOR OUR NATION!” Then it happens and you look like some kind of Nostradamus clairvoyant badass. Then the whole theater raises you aloft on their shoulders and sings songs of your praises and roasts pigs and pheasants in your honor.

J.J. Abrams has a stiffness in his pants for viral marketing. The Lost Experience was fun for about 30 seconds then it got to be like a second job with no pay and shitty hours. You’d be canceling plans with real people so you could decipher patterns in jpg artifacts, or decode numerological meanings behind secret whispered message played in reverse. It ended up being much easier to wait for the super internet squad to do all the work and post their findings on YouTube. In the end “the experience” gave away basically all the secrets of the island, the numbers, the universe and everything. The weird part is no one seems to remember any of the details since NONE of this information has ever been discussed in the show.

In like fashion, the viral marketing for Cloverfield has been permeating the very fiber of the intertron for the last 8 months or so. Hell, I was making fun of it back in August when we thought it was going to be a Cthulu movie (which would have been rad X infinity). It’s gone by the code names Slusho, 1-18-08 and Project Cloverfield (which was actually a mistake to begin with). I’m getting tired of this calculated and formulaic peaking of my geek interest through shakey-cam viral videos, and dummy websites.

I was seriously expecting to go to this movie, sit through the trailors, then get 30 minutes of black screen after which J.J. Abrams comes out and says, “Psyche” or possibly the more elegant, “Pwn3d.” Then maybe a banner than says “Star Trek: Christmas 2008.” Best. Viral. Ad. Ever.

Here’s some Cloverfield links to chew on while you wait to see the movie (some spoilers):

• Marketing and production materials, images, videos, etc. Also an extremely cool-whale monster concept drawing
• Mini Liberty with post coitus neck hole
• Fan drawings of the monster (major spoilers if they are right). (PS, I just drew a slimy monster with an armadillo back. If that turns out to be right, I apologize for ruining your life)
• J.J. loves Macs so much he wants to make babies on them… to them.
• Basically unrelated, but hello? Cthulu balloon animal? Awesome.
• Some Cloverfield Manga prequel in Japanese
• First reaction: They have created a classic

Steampunk Justice League (coolest thing I’ve seen all day)

There is nothing funny about this guy’s face (heartbreaking)

Dangerous lesbian criminal escapes police custody (hide your daughters)

Holy shit. The whole TV world is exploding into crazy fucking chaos!

Via AICN.

hermione porn
drunk baby polar bears
leeloo costumes
lost ben linus
hot harry potter porn
LOST jacob
ron fucking hermione
harry potter slash blog
henry ian cusick accent

Internet, will you go with me?

Whedon, Futurama, Battlestar, Heroes, Lost, and a giant crowd showing of “Once More with Feeling” and “Hush.”

Maybe next year?

Perhaps you’ve heard of the plight of little Tommy Westphal. His father and grandfather just didn’t understand his autism, so they locked him in a room, beat him with extension cords and made him watch St. Elsewhere.

This comic marks the 3rd and final in my LOST-centric series. Why does Josh get to play the regressed man-child TV-tard? (I literally answered the question in that sentence) Because he’s been a consummate cheerleader for LOST. Even in the dark times, the pointless times, the unnecessarily confusing times. He always assumes there has to be a plan. All of this will pay off someday, right? It will not.

LOST is your drunken boyfriend. When he’s good, things seem generally OK. There might be a future for the two of you. But when he’s bad you get two black eyes (he must have told you twice) and side-plots about hunky Brazilian diamond thieves. One of these days, LOST is going to go too far and your going to end up the subject of a Lifetime movie staring Meredith Baxter–Birney. LOST probably has a second family in Orlando.

Here’s the 2nd in what is shaping up to be a 3 part Lost series. So you’ve seen the finale by now. Halfway through the super-secret flash forward I had it figured out. Being the studious gadget geek that I am, it was impossible to miss Jack’s Motorola KRZR (the “K” is for krazy), which would have been released in 2006. He might as well have been listening to “Jesus Take The Wheel” and buying tickets to Bad Mother Fucker Jedi vs. The Wicked Serpents.

About the comic. It was a toss up between “Zoinks” and “Jinkys.” Much like Sophie, I had to make a choice. I imagine the next scene would be Locke pulling off Jacob’s rubber mask coated in phosphorescent paint and revealing “it was Old man Hanso from the abandoned DHARMA station all along!” and then throwing a Bowie-knife into his back.

On a side note; in a very Howard Hughes-esque move, Jacob seems to jar his own urine. Perhaps he’s also a reclusive billionaire who’s trying to build a fancifully large wooden plane.

I once said that Lost is like reading the first 3 chapters of 10 different books, then going back 6 months later and reading 17 random pages from 5 of the books. What do you do with the other 5 books? (the story started with 10 remember?) You lose those books for at least a year.

(I’d like to point out at this point that I’ve used several numbers in this post. Before you call the feds, I’ve done my research and 3, 10, 6, 17, 5, 5, and 10 are not illegal when used in that order. Some numbers ARE illegal. Be careful.)

Ok so here we are at least a year and a half later, and you find those remaining five books. You pick up on those where you left off low those many months ago. You remember what was going on in those chapters, (sort of) but you’ve basically lost interest (lost…get it?). One of the guys in the 3rd book (of the 2nd set of 5) turns out to be the same guy that caused this one guy from the 4th book (of the first set of 5) to loose his job, and thus go home, get drunk and beat his kids. Who did those kids turn out to be? Fuck you, that’s who.

And scene.

UPDATE 5/27/07

Damn you Henry Ian Cusick and your acursed ambiguous accent! A pox on you! A reader pointed out that Demond is supposed to be Sottish, not Irish. Two comics in and I’ve already issued a retraction. Thanks to Adam Y.