Here’s another resurrected and recolored FANEURYSM comic. As I explained here, there are a few FANEURYSM comics that I don’t want to allow to slip into the void of the Internet’s hazy memory, and that fit in nicely with the aesthetic of Sharkzpode. You can see the original version HERE.

Of course all of this changes in Captain America: Civil War in which EACH AND EVERY character in the Marvel Cinematic Universe will be making an appearance. If the movie is two and a half hours, I bet there’s 40 minutes just taking role call.

Sharksploders: Which lesser know Marvel character deserves their own solo movie and why?

Super hero comics have a lot of problems when it comes to believable stories. Chief among them is when the there is a struggle and after all hope seems lost, the hero, or the hero’s weapon or the hero’s team is shown to be MASSIVELY powerful and effective in diffusing the villain or situation. Then the next time the hero or team faces a similar threat, they don’t just start with the final thing that worked the last time.

For instance, when you know one hero, let’s say Iron Man, wasn’t enough to get a job done on his own; that success was only achievable by putting ego aside and coming together with other heroes to form a team, then how do you ever go back to just doing shit on your own? When your contact list includes like 150 of the most powerful beings in the galaxy, how do you not call at least a couple of them whenever some nasty badness goes down? Have these guys not seen The Incredibles? There was a lesson!

FANCY BASTARD BULLETIN! 
Tuesday June 3rd is my birthday (I’m almost positive I’m turning 33). If you like to help me celebrate, please feel free to check out:

• My Patreon campaign
• My donation page or
• My Amazon wish list.

The Patreon is honestly the greatest thing you can do for me in terms of making sure I am still able to do HijiNKS ENSUE as my full time job. Otherwise, I’ll happily take an Internet high five via Twitter or Facebook.

This problem is occasionally solved by depowering a hero in some fashion, or knocking them completely out of commission while some lesser powered being takes over for them for a few months. Remember when Superman got turned into a blue energy guy for awhile? He’s really got it the worst when it comes to “too powerful to tell a believable story.” Before his powers were significantly reduced in The New 52, Superman could pretty much toss a planet around like a softball. He could have handled any problem thrown at him by any villain in under a minute. Until they depowered his body, they tried to keep him bound by his conscience. It made for good internal conflict I suppose, but in a world where Superman exists and the same villains are constantly killings 1000’s of people all the time with no ability to be contained and showing no signs of remorse, or of slowing down their reign of chaos he would just solve every problem the same way. Heat vision to the brain from orbit.

COMMENTERS: What superheroes do you think were too powerful, or at least shown to be crazy powerful, but then never seemed to use that power when it was most necessary? What about super heroes having their powers taken away? I nearly fell out of chair in 5th grade when Magneto ripped out Wolverine’s adamantium. I don’t think I could concentrate or eat lunch after that. Damn.

I also made you this super cute Adventure Time/Doctor Who shirt. GO BUY IT! 

I am very bad at seeing movies right when they come out. As my parenting has gotten stronger, my ability to drop everything at a moment’s notice and go to a 1am showing of a movie where nerds are likely to be dressed up in cloaks and brandishing lazer swords has severely diminished. I am also bad at seeing a headline like “DO NOT READ THIS ARTICLE BECAUSE IT SPOILS THE ENTIRE MOVIE YOU REALLY WANT TO GO SEE IF YOU CAN FIND A BABY SITTER IN A FEW WEEKS!!!” and not reading it immediately.  I am my nerd enjoyment’s own worst enemy.

COMMENTERS: What’s the greatest length you’ve ever gone to in order to remain unspoiled? Given up the Internet? Severed friendships? GIVEN UP THE INTERET?!?! THE ACTUAL INTERNET?!?!?

PAY ATTENTION TO THESE THINGS! THE THINGS AFTER THE TINY DOTS: 

• Here is the most recent HE Podcast: Episode 91 “Baltimore Bart’s Bed And Breakfast” 
• I made you a LoFi Comic about Mad Men! 
• Dallas Fan Days is THIS WEEKEND (October 19-21) and I am going to be there in the artist alley. I will have books and shirts and sketches.

Thanks to Joss Whedon, we can now utter Phil Coulson in the same breath as Tara and Wash. Whedon really knows how to go straight for the heart, which is funny consdering each of those characters were “the heart” of their show (maybe less so with Tara), they were ACTUALLY shot IN the heart (with a bullet, a giant pike and a magic spear) and their deaths hit us, the audience, right in the heart (specifically in the area governing the FEELS).

I know Coulson will make at least an appearance in the new S.H.I.E.L.D TV series, but I hope they find a way to bring him back as more than just the occasional flashback. I don’t, however, hope this means the whole series would be set in a world before The Avengers. I’d like to see a team of post-Avengers S.H.I.E.L.D agents making passing references to “the big green guy” and “the pompous ass in the robot suit. Maybe Coulson will be an A.I. construct the team consults with. Or perhaps one agent is studying Coulson’s video logs to learn more about his methods. Or maybe he’s the god damn Vision. Who knows. All things being equal, Joss is probably going to use Coulson as his personal Kenny, and find a different, more brutal way to kill him in every episode.

OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED PHIL! YOU BASTARDS! 

COMMENTERS: Are you glad that Coulson is returning (in some unspecified capacity)? How would you like to see his character used in the new S.H.I.E.L.D show? Why does Joss Whedon love to see us cry real human tears? Outside of the Whedonverse, which character deaths in TV, movies, comics, books or otherwise hit you the hardest? Please use the SPOILERS!!! tag if it’s a current series or a popular book series that people are still reading. 

Once again Phoenix Comicon was a fantastic success. Next to Emerald City in Seattle, it is my second favorite US show. Thank you to everyone that came out and got a t-shirt, a book, a sketch or just said hi. The Phoenix Phancy Bastards (fancy withe a PH) also REALLY came through with the baked goods, caffeinated goods and beboozed goods. I was able to get David terribly drunk off of too many tiny bottles of Jack (which is a necessity since he’s at least twice as much fun when he’s hammered).

In addition to my comicing bros, I usually get to run around with the entire Wheaton family at Phoenix. This year was no exception, and shenanigans’o plenty (which is my Dropkick Murphys cover band) were had. Wil and I (along with Blind Ferret) debuted the prototype of the Wil Wheaton plushie we’ve been working on since ohhhhh… around the time of this comic dare.

It’s been almost a year in development, but we are all very proud of the final result. They’ll be going on preorder in a week or so and a good preorder means we get to make enough to NOT have to reorder before the holidays (reordering means months of time waiting for chinese shipping crates to arrive on boats). I hope you guys dig the plush and consider picking one up during the preorder. They’ll be $20 and you are fully encouraged to knit space sweaters and clown sweaters for them.

HEY! I started a Facebook group for Fancy Bastards to share ideas, get support and be a community of geeks and weirdos. Godspeed, You Fancy Bastards!

Iron Man 2 was crazy awesome fun times with robot suits though there were a few scenes from the trailer that I wish had made it into the movie. Namely the “you complete me” scene as noted above and the longer version of Black Widow strangling a security guard with her labia.

• Hot From The Forge: A Guide To Iron Man 2’s Deleted Scenes

Sorry I haven’t posted a comic since Sunday, but I’ve spent the last 48 hours on the couch with vertigo and headaches. I have a condition called Menier’s disease which presents as extreme vertigo and nausea. Luckily my case isn’t very severe at all and attacks only come on a few times a year (usually more when I’m incredibly stressed). Anyway, thanks for not badgering me about comic updates.

I just realized last night that Heroes Con is only 3 weeks away. For some reason in my head “next month” seemed like longer than 3 weeks. Now I’m a little panicky, as I always am before cons because there are hotels to book, and books to ship and ships to hotel, etc, etc. If anyone in Charlotte, NC wants to put me up for the weekend (June 4-6) please email me. It would be helpful if you were near the convention center and also not super creepy. (Update: I’ve got a hotel and some roommates now, so it’s all taken care of)

Oh yeah! Big news! HijiNKS ENSUE turned 3 years old 2 days ago (May 11th). Thanks for reading so far and I hope you stick around. As a birthday present to the comic, why not send your 5 favorite HE comics to a few friends that don’t already know about the site. Or just post the links on your blog-o-tron.

It gets harder and harder every month to keep doing HE as my full time job (shouldn’t it be getting easier? No? Oh). If you want to help keep that situation going, please consider making a donation, signing up for a Vault subscription or picking up something from the store. It would mean a lot to me and my family [remember to insert pic of starving child in threadbare clothes HERE].

Yikes! I really didn’t mean for this post to sound all sickly, sad and needy. In happy news, I hope to have the “SciFi Movie Title Generator” shirts and prints in the store this week. We’ll see.

While I am living it up (ie not sleeping, working long shifts with no breaks, being a sub minor internet celebrity for a select few geeks) at Emerald City Comic Con, Fancy Bastard and fellow webcartoonist Jerry Nowlin was kind enough to make you all a comic to read and direct your LOLs toward.

Check out his comic Truly Epic or you will truly regret it (that rhymes if you read it right). The keenest and fanciest of you will remember Josh’s unfortunate tattoo choice from this comic.

So anywhatever, if you are in the Seattle area please come down to ECCC and say hi to me and every other webcartoonist. I am in the artist alley at table M-06, just down the way from the big ass Topatoco booth. Josh may or may not be with me for part of the day on Saturday. Follow me on Twitter for updates on his whereabouts and level of sobriety.

Super special thanks to Jade and Dov for hosting me at their home this weekend and to Paul and Ben of the webcomic Woody After Hours for shuttling me around town in their party van. See, kids? Some times it pays to get into a van with strangers.

A SERIOUS THING: Even more special thanks to all of you who sent your kind words and well wishes for my mom after her very serious car accident. She is at my house resting and recovering now and doing quite well all things considered. I appreciate you directing some positive vibes our way during a very troubling week and for not calling me out on the lack of comics this week.

[post coming later tonight. my home file server died last night and caused me a world of frustration, so everything on my itinerary is WAY backed up.]

Thanks to Alex for giving me enough info about Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes to make  a comic about it. He also said Holmes never once uttered “Elementary, My Dear Watson.” That’s like the time I saw Styx and they didn’t play “Mr. Roboto.” You gots to play the hits.

According to Josh there was significant bromanticism between the good inspector and his… what WAS Watson anyway? A valet? To hear Josh tell it they were moments away from a tonguey embrace (there was a lot of shirtlessness in the trailer) but Alex says it was all hetero-high fives and friendly ass slaps. I just wish they had played up the cocainier aspects of Holmes so RDJ could be more comfortable in the roll.

ANOTHER THING!

Why did no one ever tell me I was in “A Softer World“? Not only IN a comic, but a comic so popular they made a shirt of it? What the huh?

Alternate Title: Blue-ty Call

Why send in all the blue-cat hybrid clones, mech warriors, and hover tanks and such when you could just hire Tony Stark to fly in and repulsor ray the shit out of the Navi and secure Pandora’s rich mineral deposits for the good ol’ US of Earth (while simultaneously securing a little alien strange for himself)? Seems like a waste of resources and a waste of an opportunity to pick up some cool offworld venereal diseases.

I am at a fanboy crossroads. I really can’t decide if I want to go through all the effort of getting a baby sitter this weekend just so I can see Jame’s Cameron’s 3 hour, 3D eye-splode Avatar, or if I just want to stay home and watch the Iron Man 2 trailer over and over and over and over and over. Both prospects are equally exciting to me.

I probably will see Avatar this weekend (and also do the Iron Man 2 thing), but since I havn’t yet feel free to post your thoughts/judgments in the comments. Future of film making or forgettable fluorescent feline frenzy?

SHIPPING UPDATE!!!
If you ordered an Edward shirt on Dec 2nd, 3rd or 4th we are doing everything possible to get your shirt to you by 12/24. Some of them probably won’t make it in time. We’re doing our best.

• Pajiba’s Avatar Review
• ‘Avatar’ Is Horribly Written, Way Too Long, Totally Worth It
• Spoiler Filled Stills From Iron Man 2: What’s Happening To Tony?
• First Iron Man 2 Trailer Explodes With Gadgets, Guns And The American Way [Iron Man 2]

[reddit-me]Alternate Title: “Bogey Nights”

[NOTE!: I’m getting the impression that a lot of you think the shirts in the Topatoco Store are the only ones for sale. This is not the case. Check out the HE Store to see everything I have to offer. ]

I saw “Up!” and this was the first thing that came to mind. I have a really hard time NOT imposing real world logic on children’s movies. Pixar makes it so much more difficult since their films are so immaculately produced. While I thoroughly  enjoyed the movie (the order goes Nemo, Incredibles, Monsters Inc., WALL-E, Up!, then the rest in no particular order. I’m not a huge Toy Story fan since I haven’t seen it since it came out on VHS), I was incredibly distracted with thoughts of “are the cops looking for this cub scout kid that’s been missing for 3 weeks and who was last seen going into the house of a 70 year old man?” and “why didn’t the house float away while the balloons were under the tarp? Surely the tarp didn’t weigh so much that it was keeping the balloons from lifting a 20 ton house,” and other such quandaries.

After seeing “Up!,” I wondered why Pixar chose to market it as “old guy+balloon-house” when it was really so much more. Granted, I DID go see it based on the limited information provided in the trailers, but at this point I’m going to see anything with a Pixar stamp on it. Is that what they were counting on? Luckily the film delivers at every turn. Visually it was beautiful (did you expect anything less?), the voice acting was top notch, the story moved at a fun pace for adults and children and there were more than a few LOLS and HNNYC’s (Hope No one Notices You’re Crying’s).

!!!FINAL COMMENT CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!

To any BSG fans that have already seen “Up!,” couldn’t you just picture the final episode with Adama and Roslin leaving Lee and Starbuck but instead of heading to a Raptor they are walking towards a house with balloons? I got a very similar vibe from the end of “Up!”. Maybe that was just me.

!!!END SPOILERS!!!

• ‘Up’ Was Your Favorite Movie Last Weekend
• Spot the SPOD: Mac OS X rainbow cursor shows up in Pixar’s “Up”

Full Title: “Watch Me Crank Dat Statham Boy, Then IronMan Dat Hoe”
[the hoe in question being either Amy Smart or Pepper Potts]

Maybe Iron Man should call his friend, James “BROdey” Rhodes.

Guys, come in close. Closer. I want to level with you for a minute. I want to bare my soul. This comic was extremely difficult to make. Not because the art was particularly challenging, and not because I tripped over the verbage. It was the subject matter. Making fun of  “Crank 2” is like making fun of a movie where a guy has his heart removed (for some reason) and replaced with a robot heart that runs on a laptop battery which must constantly be recharged through a series of escalating violent and sexual exploits. Ridiculous, right?

The premise already so comical that in order to make a joke about it I had to reach into a parallel universe and pluck out a character that might be able to relate to Jason Statham (I think his name in teh film is Crank-O) through the shared experience of having one’s pulmonary system artificially and forcibly augmented by foreigners. Sometimes my job is hard.

I was pleased to read, however, that “Crank 2” doesn’t take itself seriously enough to get caught up in the trappings of it’s own absurd plot devices. It seems, rather, that the movie has fun with it’s own stupidity by constantly upping the anty in terms of over the top violence (strippers shot in the chest leak breast implant goo… seriously), action and sex (Statham is at one point urged to “rub up against some one” to create enough static electricity to “charge his battery… the battery is his penis).

So I suppose if you want to replace your brain with an artificial brain that has to be fed a steady stream of tits, gore, car chases and explosions (that REALLY doesn’t sound all that bad actually), “Crank 2” might be just the thing to keep your robo-brain from entering sleep mode.

WHO WANTS TO PLAY “CRANK MAD LIBS”?

In “Crank 3,” [group/ethnicity/organization] steal Jason Statham’s [body part/penis] and replace with with a [noun] that has to be [verb]ed every hour or it [someting bad]’s all over the place.

It seems Marvel didn’t even tell Mr. Howard that he’d gotten the axe…err… repulsor blast to the face. My interpretation is that they don’t want Terrence Howard to star in a potential War Machine spin off/ Iron Man Sequel. They said it was about money, but it seems like it was less about the money Howard wanted and more about the amount they would like to pay him. I’m sure Marvel never expected their first wholly owned production to be so successful.

We talked about this on Podcast #33, but we didn’t know about the unceremonious firing. So just ignore my ignorant comments about Howard asking for too much money.

The recast Eli is his best friend Alex. I hope he’s cool with appearing in the comic…

Speaking of Podcasts, in the Post Show for #33 we talked about some of the more (and less) memorable “Same Role/Different Actor” switcheroos in Hollywood history. My favorite is the whole Crispin Glover/Geroge McFly fiasco from the Back to the Future franchise. It’s a crazy-ass story.

DONATE OR SUBSCRIBE to get access to the Podcast Post Shows and to SUPPORT HIJINKS ENSUE.

What are your most/least favorite recast roles from movies or TV?

HOLY CRAP, STEVE JOBS HAD A HEART ATTACK (except not at all)!

Turns out it may have been an attempt to sabotage Apple’s stock (AAPL) prices. The perpetrator is potentially facing prison time. So if CNN picks up this comic and thinks it’s real, am I going to Federal Pound You In The Ass Prison (FPYITAP)?

In other Apple news, there’s been a rumor of a new Apple product called “The Brick” netting around the trons for a few weeks. Now it looks like “brick” may refer to a brick of solid billet aluminum, out of which the new Macbooks and Macbooks Pro will be machined out of using water jets and lasers. Sounds cool and all, but nothing earth shattering.

Assuming Eli and Steve did get to work on an iRon Man suit, I imagine it would have no visible seems, be incredibly light, have sub par battery life, radiate at about 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit and provide absolutely no protection against machine guns or tank shells. I can also assure you it would be beautiful and Eli would be fired about 3 months into the process for “not getting the vision!”

I suppose I should also mention that Iron Man is the best selling Blu Ray of all time. So many people bought it, in fact, that they shut down Sony’s BD-Live servers. I’ve decided I’m never going to buy a Blu Ray. I’m going to wait until the players are incredibly cheap, then Netflix them until they are completely replaced by digital content distribution.

Eli is going to Chicago this week (all week). If you know of anything he should make sure to visit, experience or a great place to take photos, feel free to post it in the comments. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. Maybe some Chicago FB’s want to buy him a beer?

Here’s a short one instead: It is the best comic book movie to date. They got EVERYTHING right. Casting was perfect. RDJ is Tony Stark. The effects were perfect. Gadget porn galore and CGI so believable you never noticed it. The balance of action to story was perfect. No drawn out origin, no side love story, no emo. They got him in the suit, he had two fights, it was over and you wanted more. Brilliant.

I’m not saying it was the best movie of all time (I am). I’m saying in leu of all turds Marvel has dropped recently (Daredevil, Punisher, Blade 3, other Punisher, Elektra, FF1, FF2, Hulk, etc, etc) Iron Man just got it right. And get this… I NEVER liked Iron Man in the comics. I left that movie with a thirst for more of the source material. That is what a great comic book movie should do: serve the die hard fans, while equally bringing new ones to the franchise. Well done, John Favreua, Robery Downey Jr., Marvel, et al.

Here’s an even shorter review from Josh:

Iron Man Fucking Rocked

No, really. IRON MAN FUCKING ROCKED!

Josh, Denise and I went out to CAPE 4, the free annual comic con put on by Zeus Comics in Dallas.  Lots of readers suggested I exhibit at CAPE this year because it’s free, low key and probably a fantastic starter Con. I agreed but by the time I looked into it, they were booked up. Maybe next year.

It was a very small Con, but cool none the less. It coincides with “Free Comic Book Day” each year and they hold it outside in a park in Dallas. It was a gorgeous day, there were comics, and creators and nerds and such, so I really have no complaints.

I met a couple of Fancy Bastards (Chris and Michael? God I’m so bad with names Eggwards and f__k), while were there and one of them took some pictures. This was my first reader meeting in the real world. Not sure if it counts since they were friends of Josh, but it was cool all the same.  Josh wins the day for wearing the most meta shirt.

Also, this happened: 

Which completely made my day.

Wow, this comic is almost a day late. Consider it an early Saturday edition. It was inspired by “How Iron Man Gets Dressed.” It wouldn’t be nearly as cool if Tony Stark had to sit there for 45 minutes with an impact drill and a torx driver and put the whole thing together by hand.

Yesterday was weird. I ended up talking to my friend Tom, from the band Spiraling, until 2 or 3am about what he is doing with his band and how it coincides with what I’m doing with the comic. I started working on the comic afterwards but fell asleep at 5am.

Woke up at 8am so I could finish the comic and get to some lunch plans at 1:00. Lunch was cancelled (FOR EVERYONE!) so I went right back to sleep and woke up again at noon or so. 7 hours of drawing later and here’s a comic about Iron Man.

That sounded more like a Livejournal post than I intended.

Tonight I actually get to see Iron Man (Josh and Eli saw it at Midnight last night).  Tomorrow Eli and I will be walking around at CAPE here in Dallas for “Free Comic Book Day.” I’ll be wearing a “Roslin ’08” shirt in case you want to say, “Hi (I was sent here by Satan to kill you).” Hope to see a few Fancy Bastards there.

WOW! Sorry for the late comic guys. This one took way longer than expected and I used last night to reset my sleep schedule. One of the caveats of working from home is you can stay up drawing until 3 am and sleep until 11 the next day. A week of that and I’m all screwed up. Looks like I’m back on track for the rest of the week.

The special preview of Iron Man during the Battlestar Galactica premier was almost as exciting as BSG. It looks amazing. Hell, they could show that 2 min trailer over and over and over in the theatre and I would pay to see it.

What do you think? Is Iron Man going to be a Spiderman 1, Spiderman 2 or Batman Begins? Or is it a Spiderman 3, Ghostrider, Elektra or Fantastic 4: ROTSS?

My vote is John Faverau is a comic geek and will do right by all of us.

What were the best and worst comic book movie adaptations since, let’s say, 2000.

UPDATE:

Check out the “Run before you can walk” clip.

Punned! (not to be confused with Pwned)

It’s 2:30am. Cheap puns are all I have to offer. All the trailers for “Iron Man” make it look like the type of thing I would want to see. At first I thought Robert Downey Jr. (RDJ if you’re nasty) was a bit of bizarro  casting, but that’s when I remembered that Tony Stark was a loathsome, womanizing douche-hole. So RDJ is perfect! I’m full on expecting the suit to have a coke-vac nose candy sucking attachment. A face-Hoover of sorts.

I never really read Iron Man comics. Eli read the Marvel Civil War religiously. Apparently Iron Man is the Cheney of the group. I did buy the issues where Tony “died” and his black friend took over the suit-duties and became War Machine. As soon as they resurrected Stark I lost interest. How is a brother supposed to make it in this super hero game if the white man keeps coming back from the dead to take him down. Do you remember Black-Superman or Afro-Flash? Of course not. That’s my point. Stark… like stark white. Now it’s all starting to make sense. I hate the white man so much.

So much.