UPDATE: ONLY 2 WEEKS LEFT!!!

For the month of January 2015, both of my books are only $5 each. Buy 2 of them and I’ll give you a free mystery mini print. After January they are GONE FOREVER. 

I am selling them at or below cost so they can go to Fancy Bastards that will appreciate them, rather than a bonfire. Grab them HERE. 

HEY HEY HEY, did I mention that I have a Patreon? I do, and because my Fancy Patrons blew past the $1500 Milestone Goal, I was able to completely redesign the website. The comics are about 15-20% larger as well. So far I’ve uploaded embiggened versions of all the comics from 2014. BIG BIG thanks to Fancy Bastard Frank Fenton for helping me fix some of my CSS screw ups that were breaking the site on mobile browsers, and to Fancy Bastard Dan Herman for fixing the mobile alt-text button yet again.

I get upset… or rather upsettingly confused whenever anyone starts to talk about the “reason for the season” to the “ONE TRUE ONLY MEANING OF A CERTAIN TIME A YEAR!” when it concerns a hodgepodge set of rituals, superstitions and traditions appropriated from a dozen different cultures on 3 continents over 2000ish years and duct taped together into a Frankenstein’s monster of long forgotten reasons for doing things a certain way for a certain while. I celebrate Christmas because it’s fun for me and my family. I know it’s an arbitrary conglomeration of disparate traditions, but I like putting a tree in my house sometimes. The lights are pretty. The gifts are nice. It’s an excuse to have fun with and be nice to your friends and family.  I enjoy pie.

Santa is even weirder and more nonsensically cobbled together than Christmas. Geez, just Google that weird dude sometime. Read that jolly ol’ abomination’s Wiki page. Santa is like when ever studio makes a giant meteor movie the same year. It’s hard to say who did it first, and it’s debatable who did it better (Deep Impact was better), but all of the sudden we have like 4 meteor movies and they’re all pretty much the same. Somehow nearly every culture that ever got cold decided on their own that a weird guy with probably a beard and most likely a sled or a horse would go around some time toward the end of the Solar year and separate the child wheat from the child chaff, bestow gifts on one set and shun the other. A Millenia or two later, and we just have the one guy. In 1000 years are we just going to remember every meteor movie as ONE BIG meteor movie? Will is star Morgan Freeman and Bruce Willis, or just Morguce Weeman?

I used to try to stay at least tangentially aware of things that didn’t particularly interest me enough to experience them directly. I watched a lot of stand up comedy as a kid, and through that I got a sort of crash course in “these are the things people know about in general.” It’s like hearing an impression so many times that it takes on it’s own life separate from the actual person who was being impersonated. I say “used to” because about a decade ago I stopped looking at or listening to things I didn’t specifically enjoy. I’ve basically entered a state of knowing the names of current pop stars or young celebrities, and MAYBE knowing what they are famous for without ever actually experiencing them or their work in any way. For instance, I do not know who Arianna Grande is or what she sings, but I know that she exists and THAT she sings. Does that make sense? It is through this lens of “meh” that I experience most of what young America considers pop culture. I got a lawn, get off of it, etc, etc.

We honestly never told our daughter about Santa. He just WAS. He permeated the social atmosphere of the world so effectively that we never had to tell her who he was supposed to be or what he was supposed to do. Because of this, we always took a “I don’t know, what do you think?” approach when she’d ask questions about his seemingly magical exploits in a decidedly non-magical word.

COMMENTERS: Of what things or people are you just casually culturally aware (enough to keep up a conversation at work*, but not enough to explore on your own time for your own enjoyment)? Any particular experience with faking knowledge about something all the kids are into these days, what with their hair and the clothes and something about the hips hops? Oh, and how great is it to come home on Amazon delivery day and just sit there like a puppy waiting for a treat until the doorbell rings? What a wholly satisfying human experience.

[*I just realized that the main reason I am able to divorce myself from things I don’t have any interest in is because I am not surrounded by coworkers every day. It’s easy to stay in a bubble of your own interests when there’s no one nearby to break it.]

UPDATE: ONLY 2 WEEKS LEFT!!!

For the month of January 2015, both of my books are only $5 each. Buy 2 of them and I’ll give you a free mystery mini print. After January they are GONE FOREVER. 

I am selling them at or below cost so they can go to Fancy Bastards that will appreciate them, rather than a bonfire. Grab them HERE. 

Sing along if you know the words:
“He’s making a list, He’s sharpening sticks.
The list is irrelevant, You all go in the sack.
Krampus comes to take you, that’s alllllll.
Yes, Kraaaampus coooomes to taaaaake youuuuuuu NO NO AHHHHHGHGHG! NO KRAMPUS NOOOOOOO!”

HEY HEY HEY, did I mention that I have a Patreon? I do, and because my Fancy Patrons blew past the $1500 Milestone Goal, I was able to redesign the website and clean things up. The comics are about 15-20% larger as well. So far I’ve uploaded embiggened versions of all the comics from 2014. I’ll keep embiggening until all are cromulently embiggened. The downside, is some of the things I had to fit in to the new design completely break the site on mobile browsers. I’ll be working on fixing that over the next couple of weeks. I’ll also be adding in some of the things that are currently missing, like the mobile alt-text button.

For the month of January 2015, both of my books are only $5 each. Buy 2 of them and I’ll give you a free mystery mini print. After January they are GONE FOREVER. 

I am selling them at or below cost so they can go to Fancy Bastards that will appreciate them, rather than a bonfire. Grab them HERE. 

HEY HEY HEY, did I mention that I have a Patreon?

SCHEDULE NOTICE: I am taking 2nd week of January (01/04 to 01/10) off to recover and regroup from the Holidays. Comics will resume on Monday, January 12, 2015.

A lot of being a parent is dealing with times when you bust your ass to make it seem like something magical just happened all by itself. A birthday party that you stayed up all night cooking and making decorations for, a vacation you  had to scrimp and save for, a present you bought when your kid wasn’t looking and hid for 6 months while they lamented “I’m NEVER gonna get it!” Parenthood is rife with opportunities to feel unappreciated.

But that’s sort of the point. As a parent, one of your jobs is to shield your young child from all the bullshit you have to deal with as an adult just to get through a day, a week, a month or a year in the world. You want them to perceive ease and a care free attitude for as long as possible, because once it’s impossible it is impossible FOREVER. You never get that back. I didn’t appreciate it enough when I was a kid. I was so focused on growing up and escaping my unhappy home life, that I completely glossed over how amazing it was to not have to work or pay bills or take care of another human being.

It’s also important to make magical things “just happen” for your kids, just to see their reaction. The kind of unbridled joy a child experiences on a “pretty good day” is something few adults will ever experience on their best day. Through them, we parents get to recapture some of that joy. I can’t tell you the enumerable unpleasent (to me) situations I’ve put myself in, just to see my daughter light up.

That said, I do try to teach her how to at least recognize and acknowledge situations where hard work and concerted effort by others has been applied, and to at least not do anything to counteract that hard word and effort. “Just don’t be the kid that makes people want to stop doing nice things for others.” Christ, if that isn’t an applicable mantra for most adults, I don’t know what is.

For the month of January 2015, both of my books are only $5 each. Buy 2 of them and I’ll give you a free mystery mini print. After January they are GONE FOREVER. 

I am selling them at or below cost so they can go to Fancy Bastards that will appreciate them, rather than a bonfire. Grab them HERE. 

HEY HEY HEY, did I mention that I have a Patreon?

My daughter used to act like she felt sorry for us when my wife and I only had a present or two to open on Christmas day, compared to her dozen or so. I’d try to explain how our situations were different. A) We already pretty much have everything an adult of modest means can have. When we do WANT things, we save up for them over the course of a year or so, change our minds 100 times about buying them, and then eventually, probably buy it and IMMEDIATELY feel bad about spending money on non-essentials. THAT is grown up Christmas. B) Other people besides us buy presents for her. She’s young and cute and gives off a certain quality that suggests to relatives, “I am young and cute, buy me some stuff I don’t need.”

Some years, my wife and I will say, “No presents for us! We’re going to buy each other NEW SHEETS!” Then Kiddo gets sad because we are old and close to death and super happy about getting new sheets, which is the worst thing she can think of.” Other times my wife and I will get each other a modest present that is mostly sort of a surprise, or something off the other’s Amazon wishlist and not a surprise at all. We usually keep it well under $100 (and still feel guilty about spending our own money on things that aren’t life sustaining or government mandated).

We try to only get Kiddo one big (or rather MAIN) present, a couple of smaller things and a few trinkets for her stocking. We also don’t really every buy her random toys throughout the year. Mostly she wants books, and I’m not really keen on imposing limits on her reading. So other than birthdays and Xmas, she doesn’t really get a bunch of new stuff. At least not good stuff. Our house fills to the brim with plastic bullshit from McDonalds and the like at an alarming rate. Twice a year (before birthday and Xmas), Kiddo does a GRAND TOY PURGE. This is where all the McDonalds bullshit accumulated over the last 6 months gets thrown away, and everything she doesn’t play with any more or has outgrown gets donated to charity. It’s super important for me to make sure she A) isn’t too obsessed with material possessions, and B) understands that we are fortunate to have more things, food, house, etc. than we NEED and C) that anyone and everyone in that fortunate position should do what they can to help those who aren’t fortunate enough to have all their needs met.

I hammer these points home pretty hard because I was a selfish kid. I was completely obsessed with accruing more toys (CERTAIN toys. I was very particular and very covetous.), and with keeping everything I had forever IN CASE I NEEDED IT LATER. If I ever got rid of something, I insisted on selling it in a garage sale and getting to keep the money for myself. These are not things I am proud of and certainly not traits I want to pass on to my child. I worked hard to get over these issues, and now I figure I can engrain more altruistic behaviors into my daughter while she’s young so that by the time she’s an adult it will just be a part of her nature.

I look at parenting like the Nielson Corporation looks at people. Sample the behavior of one person and extrapolate the likely behavior of 100,000. If I can instill an innate sense of altruism in one person, then I’m doing what I can to fix the world; to fix the future. This kid is the message I’m sending in into space. She’s filled with the things that I think are important enough to preserve for eternity. She’s my emissary into the void, and her mission is to outlive me, be nicer than I was, and teach people to try and be nicer than she is.

For the month of January 2015, both of my books are only $5 each. Buy 2 of them and I’ll give you a free mystery mini print. After January they are GONE FOREVER. 

I am selling them at or below cost so they can go to Fancy Bastards that will appreciate them, rather than a bonfire. Grab them HERE. 

…

It’s holidays times, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I have a Patreon and  an Amazon Wishlist for any of you who are interested in such things.

For the month of January 2015, both of my books are only $5 each. Buy 2 of them and I’ll give you a free mystery mini print. After January they are GONE FOREVER. 

I am selling them at or below cost so they can go to Fancy Bastards that will appreciate them, rather than a bonfire. Grab them HERE. 

I would say nearly 100% of my daughter’s holiday musical program was this psuedo-hip hop referenced in the panels above. I know you know exactly what I mean without actually having to hear it. For a good decade (between the late 80’s and late 90’s) it was everywhere. In Fruity Pebbles commercials, and Simpsons episodes, in a parody song about Ronald Regan, and an ad for Chiquita Bananas. This style of “rap” was so common in advertisements that I feel like an entire generation (my generation) grew up thinking that a ton of actual rap songs started with “My name is _____ and I’m here to say, I like to ______ in a _______ way!” As far as my Google-fu can suss out, there aren’t any actual songs from that time period that featured this lyrics scheme.

Rap songs from this time DID, however, heavily feature the artist saying who they were and what they liked to do, but it was (at least almost) never in that exact pattern and rarely quite that corny. I mean, that’s some weak ass rhymes right there. But it was so ubiquitous that when adults and kids alike would “make up a rap song,” it would almost always start with that phrase.

I left Kiddo’s program just puzzling over this phenomenon. It’s like a game of cultural telephone. A lyric is misheard or misremembered, then mis-quoted enough times that people take the meme for granted and start building off its foundation. For instance, “Wouldn’t it be cute if the 1st graders sang a song as if they were Santa’s Reindeer? And wouldn’t it be cute if they RAPPED it, because of how the rap is the most popular form of music these days with the kids?  And OF COURSE we should start the song, the way every single rap songs starts!” BUT THE THING THAT THEY ARE REFERENCING NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!

I think this situation is akin to pop culture misquotes like “Beam me up, Scotty,” or “Luke… I am your father.” If enough people just keep saying them, everyone else just assume they’re right and our collective pop cultural memory just forks from that vector and grows in a different, weirder direction.

It’s holidays times, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I have an Amazon Wishlist for any of you who are interested in such things.

I’m a people person. Wait, what I mean to say is, “I’m a people, person.” As in, “Hey, you person, I am a people so please afford me the basic courtesy of never speaking to me, making eye contact with me or acknowledging our simultaneous existence in any way. Thanks.”

I do not care for small talk. I find something repulsive and detestable about a stranger feeling so uncomfortable with a shared silence that they feel the need to strangle it to death with meaningless words. It’s like they notice the presence of another human and their lizard brain immediately commands them, “MAKE NOISE! MAKE NOISE TO SEEM SCARY OR IT WILL EAT YOU! ALSO MAKE YOURSELF BIG! LOOK BIGGER AND MAKE NOISE AND YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!” I love conversation, but I love for it to be real; to have a purpose.

HEY HEY HEY: Go check out my Patreon. Fancy Patrons and potential Fancy Patrons alike should also check out the new Patreon community guidelines.

I’m even happy with casual conversation from a stranger, if it has a purpose. “Am I near the dog park?” “How do you get there?” “Have you seen my dog?” “WHERE AM I?! WHERE IS MY DOG?! WHERE I AM GOING?! HOW DID I GET… oh, there’s my dog. Come along, Crackers.” These are purposeful words. These words are unlike, “Hey… Mondays, am I right?” “That’s some weather we’ve been having.” and “Big plans for the weekend?” You can probably tell that my most frequent exposure to this smallest of talk was in elevators back when I had a regular job. There’s something about elevators that squeezes words out of people like a long since empty tube of toothpaste. There’s nothing in there, but you squeeze and fold and force it none the less until something, anything comes out. In these circumstances, I wouldn’t even mind the small talk if it was just honest. “How about that crippling despair that’s been going around?” “That’s some irreversible damage we’ve done to the only planet we have; the only home our children and our children’s children will inherit, am I right?” “You got any plans for the unending nothingness that awaits us all upon our deaths?”

It’s holidays times, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I have an Amazon Wishlist for any of you who are interested in such things.

EVERY. SINGLE. SCHOOL THING. EVER. Show me the thing my kid made or let me hear my kid sing and GET ME THE FUUUUUUUUCK OUT. If there’s one thing that puts me on edge, it’s chaos. And there’s NOTHING ON THIS EARTH more chaotic than whatever an elementary school wants parents to come down and see. An elementary school is basically a Hellmouth. Disorder and chaos and disease and discord just radiates from every elementary school auditorium like a discordant heartbeat.

Speaking of disease, a third of my kid’s class is out with the flu and one of those little plague vectors gave it to my kid. So this year we’re celebrating Sickmas. Just think of all the less fortunate, healthy children. Do they  know it’s Sickmastime at all? As you reflect on those poor, non-immunocompromised souls, throw back a mug of Purellnog and warm yourself by throwing all your clothes and bedsheets in the fire. “I’m dreaming of a bleaaaagh Sickmaaaassss.”

HEY HEY HEY: Go check out my Patreon. Fancy Patrons and potential Fancy Patrons alike should also check out the new Patreon community guidelines. The Patreon team has been working tirelessly for months to craft a set of guidelines that will allow them to keep the community free of abusive, harassing and hateful accounts, as well as any account that counteracts the “Be cool, be nice, make stuff and get paid” philosophy that Patreon was born out of.

DID YOU GET YOUR HOGWARTS LETTER YET?! Check out these Harry Potter inspired owl post earrings and necklaces my wife made:

Comments (6)

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@kellyskritters · 85 weeks ago

Hey those suit shops at the mall scare the hell out of me! Thanks for assembling this montage though, very entertaining!

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Nacho · 84 weeks ago

This is made of Win! Great job Dad! I bet she was stoked to see the finished product and had a blast with you in the park.

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Chuck · 84 weeks ago

So adorable.

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HikingViking · 84 weeks ago

Okay, that live-action comic that you made is amazingly cool! What a fantastic thing to do with your daughter. Also, you’ve now made me miss City of Heroes even more

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Dan · 84 weeks ago

Utterly adorable.

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Jay · 84 weeks ago

This is the most adorable thing I have seen of 2013 you are an awesome dad with an awesome kid I hope she grows up to be like you.

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[STORE UPDATE 02/04/13] Thanks to the diligence of the Blind Ferret team, the HijiNKS Ensue Store is un-hacked, re-upped and back-backed! I’ve lost over a 1/4 of my merch revenue for the month (and Jan/Feb are already slow months) so let’s all go celebrate by BUYING SOMETHING!!!

My temporary PRINT SHOP with my BRAND NEW “TESLA UNCOILED” print and many of my most popular large prints is still up and running and probably will be until I return from JoCo Cruise Crazy 3. Get on that mess while you can!

Think about Groundhog Day from Rita Prime’s (the Rita that continues to exist in Phil’s timeline at the end of the movie) perspective. She has this creep asshole that she works with. She knows he’s a selfish dickwad, he ignores her all day, shows how he has this secret life in this weird little town where everyone knows and loves him, then they go on ONE DATE and he says he’s happy because he loves her. They spend maybe 4 hours together total, he carves her face in ice from memory THEN TELLS HER HE LOVES HER. If these flags were any redder they would insist the means of production were controlled by the workers.

Now consider this: Phil has had somewhere between 5 and 500 years to perfect this one day. It’s  all he knows. He’s trained his mind and body to execute these particular moves, say these particular phrases, dance this completely choreographed 24 hours period all to trick this woman into liking his invented self and posses her fully based on his immortal Sysyphean fixation on her. What’s he going to do tomorrow? Be a normal dude who is not completely groundhog shit insane? Probably not. I submit to you that Groundhog Day is, in fact, a horror movie and though he may begin as the protagonist, before it is over Phil becomes the monster.

COMMENTERS: Can you think of any other movies, that upon later reflection are WAY creepier or scarier than they’re supposed to be?

RSS CHANGES!!!

I’ve stopped using Feedburner since Google has abandoned it. The old feedburner feed will continue to work, but you should resubscribe using http://hijinksensue.com/feed/.

If you used to get HE in your email inbox through Feedburner, this service seems to offer the same functionality for free.

Just plugin the HE RSS feed [http://hijinksensue.com/feed/] and your email address.

NEW Doctor Who/Dr. Seuss Shirt at Sharksplode!
DO YOU WANT A PRINT INSTEAD? 

Did you know the horrifyingly deformed Hand Turkey is the official mascot of Thanksgravy? Each year on this day, little children leave a ladle full of gravy under their pillows and while they slumber, bellies plump with yams and holiday spite, the Hand Turkey will come to visit them. If he deems them good and virtuous and sufficiently crammed with pie and/or hungover, he will leave a gift under their pillow. And sometimes on the floor next to their bed. And often right on their miserable little cranberry sauce stained faces. He’s a generous bird. A loathsome, self-hating bird, but a generous one none the less.

How about you make your own Thanksgravy Hand Turkey and post a link to your masterpiece in the comments. If you post them to Twitter, use the hashtag #thanksgravy.

COMMENTERS: Please add to the myths and traditions of Thanksgravy and the Hand Turkey. 

Day 4 of Blind Ferret Shirtsmas! My Unicorn Poop shirt is only $7.95 TODAY ONLY!!!

Poor little guy. He must be collicky. Newborns can be such a handful. Especially when they refuse to prove they were born in this country. Just produce the ancient South American stone tablets that foretell your coming and we’ll consider the issue closed. Otherwise I’m calling immigration and you can cluck and hiss your story to them. I feel like I should point out that my intention was not to imply that Juan Q. ate a bunch of people and then threw them up all over Joel. It’s more like his beak is a portal to a dimension that consists of nothing but blood and bones and through a gastrointestinal mishap he managed to lower the veil between worlds for a second. Come December 22nd, we’re probably all going to wish we lived in that bone blood dimension. I don’t expect Juan Q. is going to show us much in the mercy depart. Cute little bugger that he is.

Eli seems to be embracing the Mayan 2012 Apocalypse now that he has a dog in the race. Either that or he’s starting to swell with pride for his brownish heritage. Either way I think Juan Quetzalcoatl Zach will be sticking around, even if that particular name does now. I almost went with Roland. I hope you enjoyed this storyline (perhaps more than the last one). Now let me gather my thoughts on this whole Disney/Lucasfilm thing so I can make a comic about it. I bet it ends the same way as this one did. Just buckets and buckets of thrown up blood and bones.

Check out this Interview I did with The 4th Wall. It contains basically everything I know about making comics for a living. I have no other knowledge to impart.

AUSTIN, TX FANCY BASTARDS: Come to THIS in December or your regrets will never cease.

La resurrección del lagarto pollo!

Finally, a new comic. My actual human life has been getting in the way of my comic-productivity for the last week. I have solved this problem by cutting off all contact with the outside world for at least the next two months. If you need me, I’ll be chained to my computer with a stylus driven through each of my hands like so much webcomicy stigmata.

AUSTIN, TX FANCY BASTARDS: Come to THIS in December or WE’RE THROUGH!

THINGS OF TUMBLD INTEREST: 

• I have put up two new donation desktops, one featuring a can of sad breakfast.
• My wife is a photo fixing, editing, manipulating genius and would happily lend you her digital dogoodery in exchange for money.
• Lil’ Wil has a Tumblr and some new duds.

COMMENTERS: So it seems Eli is now the steward of the great bird-headed serpent god of Mesoamerica that will (or has) return to Earth and usher in the world ending 2012 situation. Fun times. Which horrific beast of world (or at least city) destruction would you most like as a pet? Which would you rather actually destroy us all? My vote for both scenarios goes to whatever sort of Norse frost giant is going to really fuck shit up come Ragnarok.

Buy my book. Buy my book. BUY MY BOOK!

Theoretically, when someone opens an eventual 4th HijiNKS ENSUE Book THIS will be the first comic they see. Seems like the perfect way to scare off the normals. 

I spent New Years Eve (eve) with Eli, Josh and a slew of other friends at Eli and Denise’s home. There was food and beer and snacks and beer and eatables and beer. Also beer. Eli rigged up a ghetto movie theatre on the back porch and we suffered the freezing night (which is Texas is something like 60 degrees) to watch shitty movies projected 12 feet high on his wall. There was talk of subjecting us all, once again, to Riki–Oh: The Story of Ricky, but the vault Josh keeps that particular bit of punishment in can only be opened by turning three keys simultaneously and I wasn’t about to relinquish mine.

Instead, Eli subjected us to Chillerama, a collection of 3.5 short films… “filmed things” based around the last hurrah of a drive-in theatre on its final night before closing up shop for good. All you really need to know about Chillerama are the titles of the vignettes. The show started with Wadzilla, a 1950’s monster movie send up about a man who, after taking an experimental drug, ejaculates a single giant sperm which continues to grow and devastate the city. More? Really? You want more? Ok, how about I Was A Teenage WereBear? A 60’s beach party movie spoof about a sexually confused teen who get’s bitten on the ass by a WereBear (a skinny gay teen who transforms into a burly, bearded, be-fanged leather daddy). Considering there were no less than 4 bears in attendance that night, this segment was certainly proof that there IS a god and he is super gay. The third installment was called The Diary Of Anne Frankenstein. They really should have stopped with the title. There’s no further explanation needed. That’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard and nothing the filmmakers could have put after that title could have possibly lived up to it. There’s no point in me even explaining it. Your imagination will do a better job than I could. There’s sort of a 4th short film, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise. The shorts are wrapped up in an A-story about a drive in worker who, through acts of necro-feelin’ ya, begins to accidentally spread a “super horny zombie” virus to all of the drive-in patrons.

If none of this has scared you off, I actually can recommend Chillerama for your next drunken shitty movie night. It almost crosses the line between “we tried but this came out shitty,” and “HEY! Look out shitty this is on purpose!” a few times, but manages to reel it in with genuine cheese and above average special effects for a low budget D-movie. It’s hard to talk about production quality with films like this, but it really does help you to stomach the bad jokes, worse acting and ridiculous plots when you can actually HEAR and SEE everything the creators intend you to. Most movies of this caliber suffer greatly from technical shortcomings. By contrast, Chillerama is extremely watchable for something that is nearly unwatchable. I believe it’s on Netflix instant now and should make for an interesting evening with inebriated friends.

COMMENTERS: Josh actually made be watch Riki-Oh during one of the first times we ever hung out. It was an event that would set the tone of our friendship for the next decade or so. Has anyone ever made such an impact on you by forcing you to sit through an unbelievably terrible movie? Did you uncle show you the Star Wars Christmas Special in your basement? It’s OK to share. You are among friends.

Do you have any geeky new years resolutions? Any shows you are determined to finally plow through?

Groverfield T-Shirt and MORE in the HijiNKS ENSUE STORE!

Ohhhhh [Christmas] fuuuuudge! If I am not careful, A Christmas Story comics might become an annual thing. 

In the post for the previous comic, I asked you to reveal your favorite non-traditional Christmas/holiday-times movie (Edward Scissorhands, Die Hard, Over The Top, etc). A Christmas Story is my favorite… well, Christmas story, period. The watching of it is, in fact, one of my only Christmas traditions. When it comes on TBS back to back for 24 hours on December 25th, I pretty much set the TV to channel 500,000 or whatever and leave it there until the presents are all opened, the relatives are gone and the leftover pumpkin pie beckons to me like a moist, high calorie Siren. It is surprisingly easy to finish an entire pumpkin pie by yourself in a day or so when you realize it is every bit as much breakfast and lunch as it is an after dinner-pie dessert.

• A Christmas Story House & Museum

This is most likely the final HE comic of 2011. I offer you my most sincere thanks for your (you Fancy Bastards, that is) continuing support, both emotional and financial. This has certainly been my busiest year and my most exciting one as a professional person that draws bullshit on the Internet. The latter half of this year represents the first time since the inception of HE and the beginning of The Experiment that I have felt a slight release on the constant financial pressure that running a small business based on (again) drawing bullshit on the Internet (and giving it away for free) has presented me with. I am by no means “well off” or “flush with cash” or “a money having type of guy” or “more words in quotes,” but for the first time ever I feel like I am out of the woods, or at least approaching what seems to be a clearing ahead. It feels like if I can somehow manage to keep going at this pace, in a couple of years things will be pretty much OK. That’s a nice feeling. The constant struggle to stay afloat is still very much alive, but now it feels somehow on a larger timeline. It’s more like I’m trying to get to the next year as opposed to wondering how I’m going to pay the mortgage next month.

I say all of that so say this again: Thank you. Thank you all for making 2011 a truly life-changing year for me. Thank you for indulging me, supporting me, and finding some modicum of joy in these weird pictures of mostly dicks that I upload in this space several times a week. The previous sentence is a perfect description of my dream job, and I get to do it every single day because there are geeky weirdos like me all over the world that feel the same dumb feelings I do about TV and movies warp nacelles and TARDISes and what not. There is even a small subset of you that will chuckle when I say “weird pictures of mostly dicks” is Velera III crystalline Microbrain-ese for HijiNKS ENSUE.

See you in 2012, nerds.

Michael Keaton’s Jack Frost isn’t counted among the best Christmas movies of all time since, much like The Santa Clause 3, it suffers from canonical issues. A later novel in the expanded Jack Frost universe (the EJFU to us Frosters) revealed that Michael Keaton’s character, Jack, did not actually die in the first movie, but instead was placed in transdimensional hyper-stasis by the Intergalactic Frost Lord Gorrab The Most Frigid, and He (not Jack) was the one manipulating the snowman in order to win the trust of Jack’s son, Joseph, whose soul contained the Infinity Starseed – a stellar engine with the ability to forge solar systems or, in the wrong hands, destroy them. It was put there by the Grand Millenials when he was born in order to keep the Starseed hidden from… well you know all of this already. I’m just geeking out. Anyway, considering all of that and the fact that the novelization already reveals that the whole story takes place 100,000 years in the past on an “Earth-like planet,” I don’t think it’s fair to call it a “Christmas movie.”

I have received some very generous gifts from my Amazon Wishlist and from donators in the last couple of weeks. I want to make sure to give big giant holiday-style thanks to Fancy Bastards: Elliot Moss, Cole Parker, Anonymous Ghostbusters gifter, Alyssa Vaughan, Trevor Spratt, Dan & Toni Arthur and whoever purchased all of the Pixar Blu-Rays. Being the father of a 4 year old, I am pretty much primarily on the “giving” side of Xmas, so your gifts were certainly appreciated and made my insides feel all squishy and gross.

COMMENTERS: What is your favorite non-traditional Christmas/holiday movie? Either a movie that takes place during the holidays, but doesn’t focus on them, or a movie that you just love watching every year around that time for whatever reason.

UPDATE 12/29/11:

DAVID WILLIS KEEPS DRAWING ME IN HIS COMICS!!! PLEASE BUY HIS CRUISE FUNDRAISER PRINT (and also THIS ONE) SO HE WILL STOP AND WE CAN GO ON A CRUISE TOGETHER WHICH IS TOTALLY NOT GAY BECAUSE OUR WIVES WILL BE THERE OR MAYBE THEY WON’T I MEAN ACCIDENTS CAN HAPPEN AT SEA.

REMINDR: I have resurrected my TUMBLR and started things off by posting my giant “How to save Terra Nova” rant (mentioned in this comic’s post) and a free mobile desktop wallpaper of “Dino Jesus.” I have plans for this TUMBLR in 2012 that involve changing some of the ways I offer content and who I offer it to. The basic strategy is more content to more people. I do not see this as being a negative.

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this Three Wheaton Moon shirt. You can buy it! Then you can wear it! Only two steps to total geeky happiness? Sign me up!

Lifetime: The Network Your Aunt Likes (You know that ONE aunt? The one that moved back in with your grandma after her divorce.) 

My mom pays for an entire array of cable channels, but she really only uses four of them: Lifetime, Lifetime Movies, Lifetime Real Women and The Hallmark Channel. Around Christmas time (roughly August through February) she parks the TV squarely in the middle of this estrogen programming block and feasts on programming designed to both uplift the spirit and tug at the tear ducts of middle-aged lady types. Also, most of the movies are about your dead relatives returning for Christmas as angels. I saw one over at her place about a dead grandma that just shows up at her family’s house at Christmas, and instead of calling the boys in the grayish-brown suits with the nuclear backpacks they’re all just, “Grandma, it sure is great that Jesus let you come down here and bake cookies for us!” It was intensely creepy. Everything about it that made my mom go, “Awwww,” made me go, “AHAHGHGHGHGHG!!!!” Not 2 weeks later I was back over there and, I shit you not, there was an entirely different movie about a dead relative coming back as a Christmas angel. I expect there are hundreds of them. Like Pokemon.

CONFESSION TIME: I have seen one Lifetime movie that actually made me sad, nearly to the point of tears. I had just finished plowing through 2 or 3 seasons of Dead Like Me and, while flipping channels, saw the star of that show (Ellen Muth) on the screen. Turns out it was a Lifetime movie called The Truth About Jane about a girl (Muth) realizing she’s gay, and how her family treats her like a criminal because of it. They try to “deal with the problem” as if she had been caught with a gun and a bag of PCP. I knew what they were doing! Those bastards were showing me things that I already thought were sad and they were making them even sadder! SHE JUST WANTED TO DATE GIRLS AND BE LOVED! THAT’S ALL! SHE WAS A GOOD GIRL! YOU TREATED HER LIKE A MONSTER! YOU WERE THE MONSTER, MOM! YOU WERE… the… BLOOOO HOOO HOOO HOOOOO!!!!

I have received some very generous gifts from my Amazon Wishlist and from donators in the last couple of weeks. I want to make sure to give big giant holiday-style thanks to Fancy Bastards: Elliot Moss, Cole Parker, Anonymous Ghostbusters gifter, Alyssa Vaughan, Trevor Spratt and Dan & Toni Arthur. Being the father of a 4 year old, I am pretty much primarily on the “giving” side of Xmas, so your gifts were certainly appreciated and made my insides feel all squishy and gross.

COMMENTERS: Sappiest, cheesiest or most unbelievable TV Movie you’ve ever seen? Is there one that actually activated your human emotion chip?

UPDATE 12/28/11:

DAVID WILLIS KEEPS DRAWING ME IN HIS COMICS!!! PLEASE BUY HIS CRUISE FUNDRAISER PRINT (and also THIS ONE) SO HE WILL STOP AND WE CAN GO ON A CRUISE TOGETHER WHICH IS TOTALLY NOT GAY BECAUSE OUR WIVES WILL BE THERE OR MAYBE THEY WON’T I MEAN ACCIDENTS CAN HAPPEN AT SEA.

Also, I have resurrected my TUMBLR and started things off by posting my giant “How to save Terra Nova” rant (mentioned in this comic’s post) and a free mobile desktop wallpaper of “Dino Jesus.” I have plans for this TUMBLR in 2012 that involve changing some of the ways I offer content and who I offer it to. The basic strategy is more content to more people. I do not see this as being a negative.

“George Hurt You” shirts are in the store!!!

“Seriously! Who is that young ghost dude with the Sith-eating grin on his face? I’ve never seen him before in my life.”

I know I typically dress up the HE characters for HE-ween, but since I already did that for the “Fancy Bastards Assemble” print just last week I thought I would go in a different direction. Honestly, I was trying to figure out how to do this comic as a “costumes” gag, but in the end it just seemed forced. Either way, just remember that if the light’s green, the droid’s clean.

COMMENTERS: What were you for Halloween (besides drunk)? Feel free to post links to pics of your costumes in the comments. Any particularly fantastic Halloween costume stories? Kiddo wanted to be a ghost, so the wife and I made a SPOOKtacle of a costume, though it doesn’t top our homemade “Boo” costume from a few years back.

Josh IRL went as a character from his company’s game Borderlands called Salvador.

[more pics here]

I have no idea how he cell shaded himself (which is different than blue-ing oneself). He’s come such a long way since Gaytos.

BONUS COMIC: Since he is still without power I decided to send Jeph Jacques of Questionable Content a guest comic. It features a character he, Randy and I created last year  in Austin, TX named Sergei. All you need to know about Sergei is he is a man of means. Whatever you need, he can get it. Or something close to it.

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our University of Gallifrey Fighting Time Lords Shirt over at Sharksplode.

CONVENTION NEWS: Connecticon is almost right now!!!. Come see me and David and Ryan and Lar and the Explosm quadruplets and much many mores!

My daughter only likes fireworks in 2 ways: big and far away or tiny and close up. We tried some bottle rockets and such last year, but she found the whole ordeal pretty terrifying. So this year we kept our incendiary festivities low key. Just a few smoke bombs, spinning flowers, sparklers, poppers and those little ones that spin around then shoot up into the air. We waited for dusk, then went down to the end of the cul de sac with our neighbors who have a son about our daughter’s age. All was going swimmingly. Things were smoking and sparkling and changing colors. Chemicals were reacting like nobody’s business. The founding fathers would have been proud.

Then, right as we were about to pack up and head out to watch the town fireworks display, one of the spinny-shooty jobber’s fuse backfired (I am still trying to figure out exactly how this happened). Basically I lit the end of the fuse and instead of spraying sparks outward as the previous dozen had done, it shot sparks down at my hand. It was like the fuse burned incredibly fast, or somehow the actual firework began to ignite as soon as the flame hit the fuse. I was burned on the left thumb pretty severely. I grabbed a popsicle, the only icy thing we had on hand, and kept it against my newly seared digit.

I’m not going to lie, I bitched and moaned like a little moany bitch. It fucking hurt. I mean IT. FUCKING. HURT. I kept a cold compress on it, and my wife went to the pharmacy to look for a miracle salve or a box of replacement thumbs. Here’s where the comedy comes in. She finds these little gel pads that you stick on the burned area with medical tape (which worked like a charm incidentally), heads to the check out (this is just before midnight on July 4) and three out of three people in line were buying burn remedies. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA! WE SET OURSELVES ON FIRE FOR YOU!

I feel like on the fourth and new years the pharmacy should put all the creams, salves, aloe and bandages right up by the front door like Wal-Mart does with the umbrellas when it’s raining or the cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving. These are high demand items and we don’t need to be searching all over the store for them! Especially considering the shopper or one of their loved ones is probably still a little bit on fire.

COME ON DOWN TO THE CVS PHARMACY FOURTH OF JULY MEGA BLOWOUT SALE! We’ve got aloe! We’ve got ointments! We got 50% off disinfectant sprays and buy one get one free bandages! We’ve got gauze so sterile, you’ll have to wrap it loosely around your seeping wounds to believe it!

COMMENTERS: Have you ever been involved in or witnessed a fireworks disaster? What about non-disastrous fireworks related shenanigans?

STORE NEWS: The HijiNKS ENSUE Store is closed for a few weeks so I can make some big, exciting changes. [READ MORE HERE] In the meantime you can still get shirts from Sharksplode and HE Book 2 from this very site.

Everyone knows the only reason to create a work of art is so that you can return years later and make it worse by adding unnecessary bullshit to it, thus diluting its original creative intent and destroying whatever there was to enjoy about in the first place. Happy Life Day you fuzzy-ass tree-dwelling Fancy Bastards! I got your grandpa some virtual reality porns!

Much like two my previous illustrated offerings, the art from this comic was taken from one of my holiday cards. I have been running filler-type comics for this week so I can spend the X-mas holiday times with my family and work on the book.

Speaking of books: HOLY DICKBALLS YOU GUYS IT’S TIME TO PREORDER THE SHIT OUT OF BOOK 2!!!

If you already preordered book 2 as a gift for someone else, I have provided you a handy, printable [right-click, save as] “No Really, I Got You Something” card to give to that lucky person.

HUMANS: Take note, that you may hide from your terrible family’s deep within your earbuds this weekend by taking advantage of this free episode of the HijiNKS Ensue Podcast.

Much like my previous illustrated offering, the art from this comic was taken from one of my holiday cards. I will be running similar filler comics for the rest of the week so I can spend the X-mas holiday times with my family and work on the book.

Speaking of books: HOLY GOD YOU GUYS IT’S TIME TO PREORDER THE SHIT OUT OF BOOK 2!!!

If you already preordered book 2 as a gift for someone else, I have provided you a handy, printable [right-click, save as] “No Really, I Got You Something” card to give to that lucky person.

HUMANS: Take note, that you may hide from your terrible family’s deep within your earbuds this weekend by taking advantage of this free episode of the HijiNKS Ensue Podcast.

“Now, SLASHER! now, THRASHER!
now, MURDER and SCABIES!
On, BITEY! on BLOODY! on, PLAGUEY and RABIES!
To the top of his head! to the tops of his balls!
Now bite away! scratch away! bleed away all!”

The art from this comic was taken from one of my holiday cards. I will be running similar filler comics for the rest of the week so I can spend the X-mas holiday times with my family and catch up on some end-of-year must-be-done-or-the-hellhounds-will-devour-my-essence type of work. I also have to work on a guest comic for… someone. You’ll see.

If you followed a stray tweet from @wilw to last year’s X-mas comic, and this is your first regular update, please feel free to check out the Archive, the Store, The Podcast and The Experiment (my thoughts on trying to making a living doing what you love in the digital age).

Also, HOLY GOD YOU GUYS IT’S TIME TO PREORDER THE SHIT OUT OF BOOK 2!!!

If you already preordered book 2 as a gift for someone else, I have provided you a handy, printable [right-click, save as] “No Really, I Got You Something” card to give to that lucky person.

Look, we both know I didn’t actually post this on Black Friday. It was more like 20% Grey Sunday. Family turkey times and my lingering illness (how long can a human body actually produce dark green mucus? At least 3 weeks for sure.) kept me from finishing this comic in time for the Darkest Friday Consum-a-bration Festivi-deals.

Each year at this time we observe a moment of silence for those that parished trying to get one of the $49 Blu-Ray players at Wal-Mart. If only they realized sooner that there was an Internet where things can be purchased cheaper at than retail prices every day of the year.

Texas-style (that means large and spicy) Fancy Bastards, make sure you come on down to Dragon’s Lair Webcomic Rampage in Austin, TX Dec. 11-12. It will be fun.

Oh and, Episode 72 of The HijiNKS ENSUE Podcast is up. The Uncut Show and Post Show are in The Vault for subscribers. There’s also a FREE Calvin-TARDIS Wallpaper in The Vault.

Quick, you Fancy Bastards! You have less than 24 hours to hide from your miserable families! NO! Don’t hide there! That’s the first place they’ll look! Make haste! Burry yourself under a mountain and wait out the forced interaction with people you moved extremely far away from as soon as you had the means!

I am officially starting “The War On Thanksgiving.” For starters I’m taking out the “Thanks” because to assume everyone you encounter is of the Thankful persuasion is bigoted and small minded. Feel free to use my newly coined phrase “Xgiving.” You may also wear buttons or ribbons that say “NO THANKS.” If nothing else this will at least confuse your relatives and keep them from talking to you over this long and arduous weekend of feigned interest, false pleasantries and familial responsibility.

NEWS: Holiday Shipping deadlines for the HE Store have been posted. PURCHASE! PURCHASE EVERYTHING NOW AND ALSO FOREVER!

COMMENTERS: Fill in the details of the first Hobo Thanksgravy story or any Thanksgravv tale thereafter. Also, over the holiday weekend you may post your “War on Thanksgiving” thoughts on Twitter with the #xgiving and #nothanks hash tags.

Happy Halloween! Please do not smash my jack-o-lantern or murder my pets! Here, take some candy to stifle your Satan-fueled rage!

There is a new HijiNKS ENSUE Podcast. Episode 67 is ready to download for free. Vault subscribers can get the uncut version of the show (unedited and almost 2 hours long) and the post show as well.

I have good new for those of you interested in the British Knights shirt. It should be on sale this weekend or early next week. I will update this post with a link when it goes live. It looks fantastic and I am super proud of it.

COMMENTERS: Are you dressing up this year? What are you going as? What’s the most inventive costume you’ve ever seen? What’s the worst “sexy _____” costume you’ve seen (i.e. sexy nurse, sexy iron man, sexy Obama, etc).

• Krang is the best Halloween Costume of 2010
• The io9 Halloween costume show gets hot and insane
• Adorable Jawa Costume
• DIY Hallowe’en: Robocop Kid Costume

IS THIS COMIC SUPER-CONFUSING? READ THESE ARTICLES 1st THEN COME BACK FOR LAUGH-TIMES:

• WORLD EXCLUSIVE: MelGibson’s Racist Rant Caught OnTape
• Mel Gibson’s New RACIST RANT: N-Word Rape Threats

NEW LoFiJINKS Podcast!!! [here] and If you want to support HE, please READ THIS.

Poor Mel Gibson. The media has really blown his rampant Jew-hating, misogyny, n-word using (they run in packs now?) and general horribleness out of proportion. Give him a break. He’s only human. A despicable, racist, hate-filled human.

I hope you (those of you in the US) exercised your right to make explosions for freedom yesterday. My wife and I took our 3 year old daughter out into the sticks and left her there with nothing but a hatchet and a compass. If she finds her way home she will get her medicine name and be recognized at the tribal council. Wait. No. We took her out there to explode things because that’s what George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and the other one would have wanted (there were 3 founding fathers right?).

Saturday night was our first attempt at explosiberty, which was thwarted (I shit you not) by a stray cow in the road which attracted a cop. The cop, in the midst of all her shooing and “YAH! GET!”ing of the wayward bovine, noticed us and informed us that though there were 400 fireworks stands along the highway there was ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE within 100 miles that we could utilize them for their intended purpose. We then drove a few miles down a darker, scarier more “dueling banjos” type of road and sang “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” while our daughter made air circles with sparklers.

Sunday night we met a friend and his daughter and went to our town’s fireworks display shindig by the lake. The airborne explosives were as majestic as the cover band playing that night was awful (they were majestically awful).

Special thanks to Fancy Bastard @Hermetic for suggesting the name of Eli’s firework.

Update: Mel Gibson Admits to Hitting Ex on Tape

The hobo baby’s name is Boxcar Chester A. Arthur. Hobaby? Babo?

UDPATE: Yes, I know “Dr. Who” predates “Bill & Ted” by decades… that’s part of why I find the comparison amusing. #iloveexplainingthejoke

This is why I don’t do continuity. Because if there were stories in HE they would all go like this comic. Also I would never EVER tie up the loose ends. It would be like LOST but with fewer cast members and shorter hiatuses.

I spent 3 days trying to come up with something special for this comic since, not only was it the final comic of 2009, and the final comic of the decade but it was also the final comic of what will eventually be HE Book 2. I’m going to post the alternate ideas for the “HE season finale” in The Vault for those of you who have donated and have access.

We really shouldn’t be worried about how many times our little blue dirt ball rockets towards oblivion around an unfathomably large self sustaining explosion. One time? Ten Times? It doesn’t really matter when you consider that somewhere in the universe entire galaxies are colliding with each other. Now that’s a reason to reflect and reminisce. “Remember when we had a galaxy? Man, those were good times.”

Feel free to post your favorite/least favorite geek moments (TV, Movies, Your Own Life, Etc) of the last year or decade in the comments.

There is an entire narrative in my head where Ralphie’s dad comes in during the middle as Gny. Sgt. Hartman berating him while wielding a shard of leg lamp and a can of Simonize, then catches a fatal BB to the gut. Can’t wait for tomorrow when at least one cable channel will be running A Christmas Story back to back for 24 hours. I usually just set the station in the morning and let it run throughout the festivities like so many unleashed Bumpus hounds.

This will be the last comic for the week, but there will be at least a couple more before the end of the year. Here’s hoping Santa brings each of you the firearm of your heart’s desire and not a stupid football.

FA-RA-RA-RA-RAH  RA RA RA RAAAAAAH!

I just can’t seem to remember to cancel my Black Friday sale in the HE Store. I sure hope no one is in the mood for savings, because they could really take advantage of my forgetfulness. If someone wanted to know more about the fantastic savings or the new products (including the first ever HE Button Pack!) I suppose they could click HERE.

If you celebrated Thanksgravy this year I hope it was both gluttonous and slothful. Mind was both as is evidenced by my massive hangover. Well, I’m not sure if you call it a hangover when you’re talking about pie but you get my drift. Conventional wisdom would say you can avoid pain the next morning my alternating pumpkin and chocolate pecan pie every half hour. My experiments prove this to be false and delicious.

The more I learn about Hobo Thanksgiving traditions the more fascinated and repulsed I am. I mean I am literally dry heaving with Hobo holiday knowledge and cheer. Did you know the King of the Hobos pardons one “gravy rat” each year? It’s really just a symbolic thing  because as soon as the rat escapes seven or 40 hoboes pounce on it with rusted cutlery that once belonged to a Denny’s. They are a proud and majestic people. I also learned that you can make Hobo Rat Gravy by stuffing a rat into a milk jug, adding equal parts grain alcohol and windshield wiper fluid and fast-aging it near a burning trash can. After a few hours you just add coffee grounds to taste and serve over… well, everything.

You may notice that this comic is going live severely after Thanksgiving. Go ahead. Notice it. I won’t punish you. That’s because I chose to spend the thankful times with those which I am most thankful for: my wife and daughter. Now that we’ve all had enough of each other I can return to those which I am second most thankful for: you guys. You magnificent Fancy Bastards. You may be second in my heart but you will always be first in my something something.

[reddit-me]That look in your eyes says “WTFCOMIC?” but that look in YOUR EYES screams “SERIOUSLYWTFCOMIC?!” Your reaction is understandable. This Halloween comic is really just a love letter from me to other hardcore Star Trek: TNG fans. I actually came up with about 100 even more obscure, 1(ish)-episode characters to use for costume ideas but in the end I settled on The Traveler, Lal and not one but TWO Captain Dathons. Dueling Darmok’s, if you will.

HALLOWEEN CONTEST UPDATE!!!
Almost no one entered the comic recreation contest so I have extended ALL DEADLINES for all 3 contests through the weekend. If you want to enter and win either Borderlands (PC) or Ghostbusters (360) you have until late Sunday night to enter. Winners will be announced Monday. For those that plan on entering the comic recreation contest, FEAST YOUR RIDICULOUS EYEBALLS ON THE CURRENT FRONT RUNNER AND DESPAIR!!!

EXPERIMENT UPDATE!!!
If you enjoy HijiNKS ENSUE at all, and you want to see it continue, or you support my EXPERIMENT to try and make a living from this comic PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take 60 seconds and fill out this marketing survey [LINK]. It’s 23 multiple choice questions and it shouldn’t take more than a minute. It would really mean a lot to me.

Thanks!

~Joel

During the “magical date” Josh, carved a giant penis out of a block of ice with a chainsaw. The townsfolk  of Punxsutawney thought it was very romantic. Later they went to  Gobbler’s Knob. It seemed appropriate.

“Groundhog Day” is in my top 5 favorite comedies of all time. If you haven’t seen it and you enjoy things that are both hilarious and wonderful, give it a watch. If you’ve seen it and don’t approve, I’m going to punch you in the face then buy insurance from you. “Ned!? Ned Ryerson!?”

I told Josh the basic idea for this comic and he was eager to help me flesh it out. I also offered him the chance to pick his bed partner. He chose one of our very own Fancy Bastards, Sultmhoor (knitter of the “Fancy Gauntlets“), to get his heart broken by Comic-Josh. He also tried to convince me to draw a panel for every aspect of the “magical date” including the ice-cock. I wanted so badly to obige, but then the comic wouldn’t have seen the light of day until tomorrow.

Speaking of “light” and “seeing things” that furry fucker Punxsutawney Phil has yet again cast his runes and chicken entrails and murmured his ancient groundhog hexes to divine for our weather wizards what the next six weeks’ climate will be. Rodent-based witchcraft is far more accurate than DOPLAR radar.

• Celebrating Groundhog Day, the movie

I am actually late for Eli’s New Year’s party, so I will have to update this post in the new year. After my fridge exploded today (true story) I was just glad to get the comic posted before 2009.

Links:

• ‘Watchmen‘ Legal Woes Update

• Is There Any Reason Not To Boycott Fox Next Year?

• ‘Watchmen‘ Fan Cordially Invites Fox to Eat Several Dicks

• Judge Says Fox Owns Rights to a Warner Movie

Post your New Years plans or best/worst New Years stories in the comments. Be safe, be happy, have fun and kiss someone REALLY HARD!

(Anyone that makes real Josh Juice, drinks it AND can prove it gets a prize.)

…Of The Living Dead Before Christmas

(Alternate Title: “Zombiesplode!”)

Tindómiel Muinamir caps off the week of Fancy Bastard holiday guest comics with her zombie-fied Santa tale. I was super excited when Tindómiel (Christine) agreed to contribute a  comic since I was already a fan of her artwork for Jonathan Coulton’s t-shirt design contest (hers is HERE), and her costume making/songwriting/singing/violin…ing ability.

My favorite part of this comic (besides all of it) is that Eli and I are asleep on the couch in our regular clothes, and Josh is in silken PJ’s. You might think they are just PJ’s, but I promise you they are delicate and silken.

Check out the “making of” process HERE.

Happiest of holidays to all you Fancy Bastards. Enjoy your families, your friends and your food.

Update:

It seems The FSM’s noodley appendage has other plans for me. Family obligations have made comicing impossible for the last several days. I have one that I want to get out before the end of the year, but right now I can say exactly when it will be.

Happy Holidays!

-Joel

Update 2:

Looks like VG Cats unknowingly made the sequel to this comic (HERE).

When I decided to take a week off of comicing to spend time with my family and catch up on projects I called on a few Fancy Bastards to fill the void. These particular FB’s had made their talents for art and funny known to me in one fashion or another the last year, so I knew HE would be in good hands while I was away.

Today’s yuletide geekgasm comes from Ed, who had been posting his new webcomic “Peculiar Comics” in the FB forum for the past few months, and has recently launch his own comic blog at PeculiarComics.Wordpress.com. One of the reason’s I asked him to do a guest comic was that his art style differed so greatly from mine. I love seeing how other artists might interpret my characters. It actually makes me incredibly nervous when I ask for guest comics, because I never know if the artist is going to “get” the themes and “non-premise” of HE. I’m always worried the comic is going to look great, but not be funny, or just not fit with the humor style I’m trying to establish. Luckily Ed was no slouch, deftly incorporating my love/hate for Heroes, references to Duck Tales, Denise’s gourd hat and infrequent comic appearances, and working in a Star Wars reference AND a humiliating Josh costume in a single blow. I was both pleased and impressed.

So, check out Ed’s comic (since he seems to be setting us up for a continuation of this story line later this week), and look for another guest spot on Wednesday. FSM willing, I’ll be back on Friday with some sort of cop-out single panel X-mas themed thing.

Update:

It seems his noodley appendage has other plans. Family obligations have made comicing impossible for the last several days. I have one that I want to get out before the end of the year, but right now I can say exactly when it will be.

Happy Holidays!

-Joel

Panel 2: “I got’s gravy-gills, bitch!”

For us it’s punishment. For him, it’s a paradise. HAPPY THANKSGRAVY!

In what may be the most meta move in the history of Internet, Josh dressed up as HIMSELF from the “Godspeed You Fancy Bastard” comic. It’s like a living recursive anagram acronym (J.O.S.H = Josh! Oh Shit! Halloween!). Then Eli and I decided to use this (hopefully) once in a lifetime opportunity to recreate the GSYFB desktop in real life. Luckily there was a missile just laying around in a nearby office (no kidding… thanks, Jen!)

Here’s the COMIC and the DESKTOP for comparison.

Today’s (non)comic counts as our collective costume. WE went as “the desktop”. The Halloween comic I had planned was shelved in lieu of sharing today’s serendipitous series of events. Fancy Bastards will appreciate it. New readers and such will certainly find it highly confusing and never return.

Apparently Josh conspired with Fancy Bastard Sultmhoor, who actually knitted the gloves, legwarmers and head band. The shorts, on the other hand, were born in the fires of Mount Doom, and only there can they be unmade. In those shorts, Josh’s junk was so spectacular I could only view it through a pin hole in a cardboard box. I still suffered some minor retinal damage. There was MANmal toe as far as the eyes could see (which wasn’t far because I was crying).

Josh won “Sexiest Costume” as his office costume contest, because they didn’t have a ribbon that said “Most Testactular Costume.” Eli, posted a few pics of the contest. Check out The Yip Yips, Rick Roll, and Duff-Man. You can see more of Josh’s costume poses there as well (but why would you want to?).

Eli made an HE-Ween Pumpkin.

And my wife and I made a “Boo” costume for our daughter.

Happy Halloween You Fancy Bastards!

I wasn’t allowed to celebrate Halloween as a kid, since it was created and maintained by Satan and his legions of costumed followers. I got to wear a costume so I wouldn’t be the only kid at school without one, but it was generally something innocuous like a cowboy or a monkey. I may have been a cowboy on the outside, but inside beat the heart of a werewolf, or a ninja or Optimus Prime. I did go as ALF one year, but the costume was incredibly hot and I couldn’t see out of the mask. Eventually I just looked like a kid that had decapitated a sasquatch and was wearing most of it’s flesh as a trophy.

As the comic depicts, I spent a good chunk of my childhood aspiring to BE a Ninja Turtle. Not to dress as one or act like one, but to ACTUALLY grow up choose a career path as a professional Ninja Turtle. I assumed I could position myself in the direct path of oncoming chemical waste trucks over and over until one happened to flip and dous me with ooze in close proximity to an amphibian reptile.

I didn’t get to trick or treat until I was 14. I did it just the once (dressed as The Crow) and realized how lame it was to trick or treat as a teenager. When teens come to my door now asking for candy I say, “Get a job, asshole! Buy your own candy. Plus, it’s June! Why the fuck are you doing door to door asking for candy anyway?!”

I always thought those trash bag costumes (usually available at grocery stores) were just total give ups. What kid slips on a painted dry cleaning bag, and a flimsy plastic mask and feels suddenly transformed into Skeletor or Inspector Gadget? Though, a few years ago my wife and I were passing out candy to neighborhood children when one kid approached us wearing JUST a trash bag. Like a black, 50 gallon garbage sack. I didn’t ask what he was supposed to be. He couldn’t have been more than 8 years old. I just gave him a great big handful of assorted candy and thought “Happy Halloween, you miserable sonofabitch.” Wondering what he was supposed to be haunts me even to this day. A kite? A rain cloud? A trash bag?

So I pose these questions to you:

• What was trash bag kid supposed to be?
• What was your best/worst childhood costume?
• What was your best/worst adult costume?

Take out Eli and Denise, add a 13 year old me and this is a basically a true story. I had to recover deeply repressed memories to bring you this comic (the first in a week of Halloween themed HE’s).

If you are unfamiliar with the concept of a HELL HOUSE, it is essentially a haunted house put on by a fundamentalist Christian church with the intent of giving children night terrors and guilt for things they haven’t even thought of doing yet all for the glory of Christ. When you’re 13 and someone says, “Hey, instead of boring old youth group, we’re going to a haunted house/ hay ride out in the middle of nowhere!” you’re typical response would be “meh.” You’re 13, so everything is pretty much, “meh.” But internally you’re all “sounds cooler than singing praise songs then talking about how we’re better than everyone else for an hour.”

When I said a Hell House is essentially a haunted house… well, it’s not. It IS NOT a haunted house! In a haunted house you pay money to walk through a maze of dark corridors while “actors” dressed as ghouls and monsters jump out and scream at you. Sometimes there’s a chainsaw. It’s fun for every one. I should know, I worked at one in high school. It was pretty much awesome. A Hell House, on the other hand is a place where you pay money to walk through a barn that has been outfitted to look like a house and in each room “actors” act out short vignettes depicting different ways one might damn oneself to Hell. It is seriously a living instruction manual on “How to Win Friends and Get Into Hell.”

Oh, also it’s fucking terrifying when you’re a kid. Also it’s ONLY for kids.

I’ll reconstruct the scenerio as best as my fragile mind can:

We entered the Hell House has a group and were greeted by our demon guide. Let me preface the rest by saying this particular church had purchased basically EVERY rubber demon mask from Spencer’s gifts. The demon guide took us through various scenes, including: a motorcycle wreck caused by awesome teenage drunk driving, a Satanic sacrifice caused by awesome teenage Satan worship (this is happening in our neighborhoods RIGHT NOW! Why don’t you care?!), an abortion caused by awesome teenage sex complete with a pan full of blood and fetus parts (no shit), a chick that OD’d due to awesome teenage drug use (needle hanging out of her arm), and a teen suicide caused by listening to awesome rock and roll (it WAS “Welcome to the Jungle”).

After all of these little one act plays were performed for us (many of the children were convulsing and in tears – PRAISE THE LORD!) we were lead into a room full of coffins and told to “get in.” (still not making any of this up). I got into a coffin with a girl that I had a crush on. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to make my move because she was too busy sobbing uncontrollably, and having a claustrophobia induced panic attack. A voice read our collective eulogy, then the back of the coffins sprang open and we were catapulted into Hell. I’m assuming dimensional gateways were involved. Demons were dancing around a pit of fire as the Prince of Lies himself stood atop an altar shooting laser beams into our eyes (still still still not making this up – all true). Satan had a giant evil goat mask, red cloak, an ample supply of smog machines and (seriously) laser pointers mounted to each finger with which he wrote his initials on our retinas.

Just beyond the eternal torment and despair there was a doorway, beaming with light (and more smog). Turns out the portal to Heaven is just behind Hell… sort of in the back-left corner. Afterward we were further indoctrinated counseled by various members of the congregation and encouraged to come back and bring our “unsaved” friends. Because, honestly, if Hell House didn’t scare the shit out of a little kid until he believed whatever the shit you told him to believe, what else could?

LATER THERE WAS A HAY RIDE!!!

In retrospect, I am deeply disturbed by the amount of fear and guilt that I was purposely saddled with as a “youth group teen.” They seemed to be intentionally molding maladjusted young adults. I suppose a guilty, fearful and confused kid is easier to brainwash teach.

LATER THERE WAS A HAY RIDE!!!

Did I get the Spanish right this time? (edit: NO! but I fixed it.)

Enjoy your day off, explodify as many things and possible and eat something that was cooked outdoors. If you see anyone from Great Britain, make sure you enunciate all your “H’s.”  That’ll remind them how they lost this sweet ass land mass with all its awesome resources.

If you are British, get drunk and cry yourself to sleep thinking of how beautiful it could have been. Better luck next time, SUCKERS!

EDIT: I guess it’s not obvious that I’m just making jokes and I hold no ill will to the British. New Zealanders… oh that’s another story. Damn Kiwis.

EDIT EDIT: Ok, so after getting a call from the New Zealand Embassy, I have decided to redact all negative comments about those dirty dirty… lovely people. At least they aren’t Merpeople. God damn fishlegs.

EDIT EDIT EDIT:  All people of the land and sea are equally appreciated and welcomed to enjoy this comic. We are the world. We are the children.

Dear Readers, Here is my St. Valentine’s Day present to you:

A Valentine’s card of today’s comic you print out, inscribe with proclamations of love and give to your sweet heart. Just don’t give this to your twin sibling. They might get the wrong idea.

(1.5mb – Print this out landscape style on 8.5 x 11 paper and fold it over to complete the romantic magic)

UPDATE: There’s a better version HERE. The margins are a bit off on the original.

You can also partake in one of these lovely desktop backgrounds, presented in both sqaurely and rectangulish formats: [removed since updated versions are in The Vault]

I hope you all are enjoying 2008 thus far. My wife and I rang in the new whatever at Eli’s with cheese dip, and ribs and Pictionary. Regarding pictionary: if the clue is “Puff Daddy” and your drawing elicits the response “Smoke Father,” you should win the whole game right then and there.

Eli finally posted the pics and I wanted to share them. These are either ones that no one guessed right plus the best-worst-guess, or ones that someone guessed immediately using psychic abilities .

Here’s the “Puff Daddy” drawing that resulted in someone screaming “SMOKE FATHER!”

The clue was “Grateful Dead” which led to “HAPPY TO BE DEAD!” You can also see our team name, “Team Cobra Attack Force II” and “Porkchop Samiches Esquire GO!”

This was one of my clues, “Prince Charming.” My team got this one because I drew an apple, a skull and a shithead in a crown.

This might have been the most impressive of the night. The pictionarist drew:

And my wife, Emily, screams “ANGELINA JOLIE!” She was right. I was in both shock and awe. The doggy mug pictured was one of our door prizes that night. Terrifying, isn’t it?

In closing out “ought and seven,” I wanted to give my readers (you lot) a present. This comic pretty much sums up what Christmas means to me. Family, and togetherness, Eli with beer, and Ameria, and Truthiness, and Tron, and LOL Cats and the dark side of the Force. Yep, that is exactly what Christmas means to me.

So, you’ve been good boys and girls. On to your present. Here’s the above comic in nice downloadable desktop wallpaper format. I’ve done one large 4:3 aspect and one large wide aspect. Not sure what dimensions are really popular these days but I assume most of you know how to edit an image to a desired side. So pick square-ish or retangulish and have at it. MERRY SOMETHING WHATEVER!!!

1600×1200
1920X1200 (wide)

Vote for HE on the Joystiq webcomic wrapup if you are so inclined.

-Joel

You know as well as I do that it’s got nothing to do with the turkey. Its ALL about the gravy. I hope you are all happy and satisfied now that you’ve had two days to digest your meats and starches. My friend, Corn Mo, texted me with “I’m thankful for good times with friends and meats. Love Mo.” That pretty much sums up the holiday. That and gravy. Don’t forget the gravy. I prefer giblet gravy. You see, it’s not enough that I poor gravy on my meats. I want the gravy itself to contain its own reserve supply of meat parts.

Today’s illustration was inspired by a conversation I had with Josh, Eli and a few other friends at an OMGWTFBBQ restaurant a few weeks ago. It started with the revelation that Josh has h4x0red the normal gravy supply regimen at Popeye’s Chicken. Where as they would normally give him one gravy and one dipping sauce with his chicken fingers, he has perfected a script that allows him, through trickery, to forsake the dipping sauce for an additional serving of gravy. I think puppy-dog eyes and whimpering are involved.

We postulated that he should just ask for a jumbo drink cup (think 32oz or more) then demand it be filled with their finest gravies. A kingly proclamation to be sure.  Then the conversation devolved into lunacy when I concocted a rediculous scenario where the Gulf Coast was decimated not by a female hurricane but instead by some sort of fanciful gravy tsunami. The only solution being to fly Josh in by emergency ROFLCOPTER with an ample supply of biscuits to “sop up” the devastation.

I think we ended it on the (very real) possibility that Josh could be convinced to do gravy shots. He emailed me the proof the next day.

“Love that gravy from Popeye’s!”