This comic might look familiar too you. That’s because a version of it was originally published almost exactly a year ago in my very short lived HijiNKS ENSUE spinoff comic, FANEURYSM. Even though I had moved on with a new direction for HE, I still wanted to make the occasional pop culture strip. I made less than 20 FANEURYSM comics total, but a few of them are some of my absolute favorites of my own work. Since the series started and ended so quickly, I’ve always feared that those strips would be easily forgotten and certainly never get published in a book. So I’ve decided to rework those few favorite FANEURYSMs into Sharksplode strips, by resizing, re-laying out and recoloring them to match the Sharksplode esthetic. I’ll probably toss one in the archive each week until the 4 or 5 I don’t want to lose have been shared.

Have you seen my wife’s geeky jewelry store, Science & Fiction? She’s got necklaces and earrings based on Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Star Wars, The Fibonacci Sequence, DNA, Pac-Man and lot’s more. CHECK. IT. OUT. 

[It’s 4:30am. I’ll color this one when I wake up.]

Coulson Lives! Yay! Except that sort of deflates the emotional impetus for the unification of the team in the 3rd act of The Avengers! Boo! I have complex and conflicting emotions about a thing just like one of Joss Whedon’s characters! Yay! Oh no, I’ve been killed tragically, just like one of… You get the idea.

I am, in a word (SPOILERS: The word in question is “very.”) VERY excited about Marvel’s Agents Of SHIELD. The full trailer make it look like a more fun version of Fringe. Not that Fringe wasn’t fun. This just looks MORE fun. Perhaps more light hearted. I really hope it manages to bring back that “comedy in the face of tragedy, but also totally solid action and complex story telling” formula that has been missing from TV for so long. I can’t think of a single show that’s melded those attributes without leaning too heavily on one in spite of the others since Firefly, or before that, Buffy. Wait… I’m sensing a pattern here.

As for J.A.R.’s super secret role, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he is “basically Luke Cage” without actually being called “Luke Cage.” Seems like something they might do in order to free up licensing for the character and give them more creative freedom with his powers and backstory.

• Is J. August Richards Actually Luke Cage on Agents of SHIELD?
• J. August Richards Isn’t Playing Luke Cage In ‘Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D

COMMENTERS: So is it just me or are super heroes still overwhelmingly white? I know there are efforts being made to introduce more variety in the hero landscape (the new half-hispanic, half-black Spider-Man comes to mind), and I know I haven’t been a big comic reader since I was 14 (about 17 years ago), but I still don’t see much diversity among the metahumans. Though it seems DC is more diverse than Marvel. That could also be a total misconception on my part, but it SEEMS that way. You tell me.

Comments (49)

Stranger · 107 weeks ago

You can blame latent racism covered up as “being true to the character” in comic circles for that. If they make a NEW minority character, no one reads it because “theyre just trying to be PC”. If they change identities to a legacy character with a minority, all hell breaks loose. There really is no way to win, comic fans just dont seem to want diversity.

13 replies · active 97 weeks ago

Bruden · 107 weeks ago

I’d disagree with that claim. Comic fans do want diversity. The problem is that most of the attempts at diversity are legitimately retconning a character to be black now, which is retconning that all comic fans absolutely hate, or making a blatant clone of an existing character with a new name and also it’s not a white male because “look at us we’re being diverse shower us with praise and publicity for being PC in comics!” PR stunts still haven’t gone the way of the dodo.If you introduce a new character, who isn’t simply “blackverine” but is actually interesting on their own merits, and rather than scream to the assembled press of the world “look at us we made black spider man, we are so into this cultural diversity thing buy our stuff!” you actually just focus on the merits of the character as a character instead of as a black guy, comic fans will be interested.

So far the comic CREATORS haven’t been very interested in making characters that aren’t a white male without holding a giant press party to celebrate how great they must be for having the courage to introduce Captain Mexican American.

InkBlot· 107 weeks ago

While I agree with your statement, I have to say, I really would like to read an issue or two of Blackverine and Captain Mexican American. I am *really* trying to treat this topic with a serious analytical eye, but those names make me helplessly giggle.

@musicchan · 107 weeks ago

I have to agree with the first paragraph; it’s exactly what I was thinking. I’d love to see more original, diverse characters in comics that aren’t just thrown in to provide diversity and aren’t remakes of old characters, just given a different skin colour.I mean, it might seem like all the cool super powers are gone but you can make new heros who are their own person with their own lives and use old powers in new combinations. It just doesn’t seem that hard to me. Seems like people would rather spend their time re-branding old heros instead of making up new ones.

kingofmadcows· 107 weeks ago

But they change character race/ethnicity all the time. For example, there’s Ra’s al Ghul, Talia al Ghul, Bane, the Mandarin, all the characters in the Last Airbender movie, most of the cast of the Dragonball movie, characters in the Prince of Persia movie, the main character in 30 Days of Night, Katniss Everdeen, a certain character in Star Trek, etc.And that’s not even including the whitewashing of characters in media that are based on real people of other races.

@Geekphoria1 · 107 weeks ago

Aw, man, I JUST stopped nerdraging about that certain character in Star Trek.

Handigoat · 106 weeks ago

Scotty is black. Deal with it.

Kryss LaBryn · 107 weeks ago

Maybe “comic fans” don’t seem to want diversity because no one who would be interested in that is reading because they aren’t diverse. Kind of a vicious cycle.Perhaps they only hear from a vocal minority of readers and the bulk of them are pretty much fine with the idea, but don’t say anything. Like when people kept bitching because 90’s Justice League was funny, so they made it serious again, and then people bitched about that. I remember their replies in the letters pages: “Seriously?? Where the fuck were you people telling us we were doing it right back when we were ‘doing it right’?” (*paraphrased slightly).

I mean, it’s not like they have handled women particularity well in comics, and we’re about 50% of the population.

I suspect it’s similar to how, as a Heathen, I kind of both look forward to (because I have kids) and (mostly) horribly dread the day Disney discovers Norse mythology…

Jason· 107 weeks ago

Based on the treatment of Hercules, I expect a buddy romp between Thor and Loki that teaches the value of brotherhood and family.

bix · 107 weeks ago

Well the slashfic writers would be happy…

Candace · 107 weeks ago

Heh. It looks like they might be about to do that in the next Thor movie.

emperorbailey· 97 weeks ago

Ohana means family.

@besbev · 106 weeks ago

I want to see Disney explain Sleipnir.

Kirby · 106 weeks ago

In the words of Humon’s Sweden: IT WAS A REALLY PRETTY HORSE OKAY?!

@sandchigger · 107 weeks ago

My money’s on him playing Rage from the New Warriors. He’s basically a low-budget Hulk, literally in this case as they can have a super strong and tough guy on a weekly show and not have to spend a massive amount of cash on CGI-ing up Mark Ruffalo.

2 replies · active 106 weeks ago

PackRatAttack · 107 weeks ago

Plus if he plays Rage, Whedon can have fun with the whole ‘Big – Really a kid in a hero’s body aspect’

@sandchigger · 106 weeks ago

Yep. Assuming they didn’t just make up a new superhero out of whole cloth, I’m putting my money on him playing Rage.

Didu· 107 weeks ago

I wonder if white men in tights is a superhero thing because many of the iconic characters were created such a long time ago? I don’t really know as I don’t read that many superhero comics (except Hawkguy, it’s great, bro), but Marvel’s Miles Morales and Miss America Chavez don’t exactly have +40 years of history, do they? (Feel free to inform me of their origins, super fans!)Anyhow, I think the most diverse comic I read is Chew. Then again it’s creator-owned Image insanity about food-related…powers (nothing super about some of them), without a cape in sight.

1  · active 107 weeks ago

Candace · 107 weeks ago

I think you’re almost certainly right about the time frame issue. Most of the best-known superheroes were created long enough ago that racism was, unfortunately, still very much openly a part of U.S. society. Let’s face it, segregation existed in the U.S. South until the ’60s, and in the early to mid-’60s, the American music industry still had white artists “covering” R & B tunes by black artists. Anybody remember Pat Boone?Slavery in the U.S. may have been abolished after the Civil War, but racism most definitely was not, and still plagues us to some extent today. I think when it comes to comics, though, the current issue is the difficulties inherent in bucking tradition, and the the challenges of individuals to get new ideas through all the comic book equivalent of evil Fox Executive types.

@arjayman · 107 weeks ago

Can we compromise on @DonaldGlover as Avengers!Spider-Man, and Andrew Whitebread as features!Spider-Man?

1  · active 106 weeks ago

The Unknown FB · 106 weeks ago

Hee hee…”Andrew Whitebread”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7jtpy0lfBU

Ron · 107 weeks ago

I’m a 31 year old white male and I still read comics. I actually read the new spiderman. At first it felt like a PR stunt but they managed to make him interesting enough that I actually enjoy his story now. Having a black Nick Fury in ultimates was really weird at first but now that the movies are out it is what everyone expects. I guess all I’m trying to say is that comic fans hate change at first but, if you stick with it and don’t change it back in 6 months (see every comic book death ever except uncle ben) then the fans will adapt and accept.

1  · active 106 weeks ago

Stephen · 106 weeks ago

Black Spider Man…. Uncle Ben? http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_p8YgvHrH0ZA/TCk3EWE7iPI…

Alexander Burns· 107 weeks ago

To be fair, there aren’t a ton of characters created since the late ’70s who’ve really stuck around in general. If you sit down and make a list of iconic mainstream super characters, heroes and villains both, most of them are guys who were created back in the ’60s or earlier. They’ve been periodically updated and revised and re-imagined, but Spidey is still fighting Doc Ock, Batman is still fighting Joker, etc. Every now and then you have a new character make an impression, but in general the medium is resistant to change. Not really the medium, but, I dunno. The nature of serialized storytelling? Capitalism? Take your pick.Any new writers trying to create now have to cope with that as much as they do larger social issues like racism and sexism.

DuckAmuck · 107 weeks ago

Not only are most superheroes white, most superheroes are male. There’s a great lack of diversity.I think a lot of it stems from simply the fact that the original comic creators were white males. The early female superheroes were created as eye candy and not as full-fledged heroes themselves. (how many times has Wonder Woman needed to be saved?)

Diversity can’t just be added without being hackneyed. TV has already proven that. White guys can’t believably write black guy parts or latina female parts. Has to be natural.

BTW, watching some Avengers cartoons recently. I SO BADLY want an episode (or comic, whatever) that focuses on the superheroes’ girlfriends, complaining about what a jerk he is for leaving all the time to “save the day”. I so want to see or read that.

1  · active 106 weeks ago

Bryce · 106 weeks ago

I think the problem with white guys writing black guy or latina female parts is that they then define the parts as the race and not the person. If somebody tries to write a “white guy” part it comes off as similarly hackneyed. This is actually pretty difficult to pull off well, because when we assign a race to a character we try to write the character to embody that race, which leads to the stereotypes. Of course the counter problem is that if a character *doesn’t* fit the stereotypes it’s criticized.

Chenrezi · 107 weeks ago

The only major black superhero I can think of offhand is Jon Stewart as Green Lantern. He had a pretty good run on Justice League as a main character. I was talking with my roommate the other day about how they missed a big chance when they didn’t make HIM the main character for the Green Lantern movie, but of course Hal Jordan is more “classic”…

Grady · 107 weeks ago

Sorry, but Jeffrey Bell, the show’s executive producer, said in an interview that the superhero played by J. August Richards isn’t Luke Cage.

Citizen Alan · 107 weeks ago

I’m really disappointed at the great opportunity they missed with Coulson — they should have had him show up in Thor 2! He died in combat against an Asgardian, so is entitled to join the Einerjar in Valhalla. From there, he could have followed Thor around during the plot of Thor 2 (a reversal of the fish-out-of-water story from the first movie) and then been rewarded with resurrection by Odin at the end.

@Nyx_Strange · 107 weeks ago

That’s… Actually a damn good idea, Citizen Alan. Chenrezi, my first top of my head black supers are Storm, Jon Stewart, Static Shock, Bishop, Black Panther, and I think the X-dude who just married his boyfriend was black..? And I’m certain there’s gotta be more black X-persons they could use… Didu, just read Chew myself, cool book! Really original, liked it a lot.

2 replies · active 107 weeks ago

Allen · 107 weeks ago

The boyfriend was black. Northstar isn’t.

@Nyx_Strange · 107 weeks ago

Ah, okay, I just remember the cover, haven’t read that arc. Thanks!

@JonS253 · 107 weeks ago

The only gay X-Men I know about are Northstar (who I think is on the main team these days) and Rictor (in X-Factor). Rictor’s Hispanic, for what it’s worth.I thought at first that Hoody Guy was Luke Cage. I was apparently mistaken. I guess, given the powers we saw displayed, that leaves us with Rage, or perhaps Miles Morales (since Sony still has the rights to Peter Parker tied up, that could give us *some* kind of Spider-Man in Avengers continuity…).

3 replies · active 106 weeks ago

lou · 107 weeks ago

I just watchted the trailer, and the hooded jump-out-of-the-building guy looked definitely Luke Cagey

@CX316 · 106 weeks ago

Ultimate Colossus was gay too… I think the only other one I remember from Ultimate X-Men may have been the ultimate version of Northstar… I can’t remember the issue very well other than him getting shot by Sinister.

@RHaseman · 106 weeks ago

Marvel/Disney owns the TV rights to ALL Marvel properties, Spiderman included, they just don’t own the Movie rights.

Nevest · 107 weeks ago

As a comic fan from semi-way back, perhaps you are familiar with the concept of a SHIELD Life Model Decoy (LMD)?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life_Model_Decoy

hijinksensue· 107 weeks ago

Super proud of you guys for looking at this thing from every angle and posing to really valid arguments. I guess it boils down to the “superhero” is a throwback from a less evolved, less integrated time, comics fans are resistant to change, positive change on the part of the publishers almost ALWAYS comes across as a PR stunt even when it (rarely) isn’t and changes that aren’t well received lead to slow sales which leads straight back to the status quo. Comics are a weird animal.

1  · active 107 weeks ago

@CX316 · 107 weeks ago

Sadly the slow sales tend to drag down the decent stuff that isn’t just status quo, no matter who the character is. Irredeemable Ant-Man for example only made it a year, and that was an amazing series written by one of the best writers in the field.

@CX316 · 107 weeks ago

Wait, who isn’t white in DC?Marvel has, like, Power Man (Luke Cage), Falcon, Black Panther, Goliath (well till Ragnarok killed him), Sunfire, half the cast of Heroes for Hire, one of the guys from the previous team of Thunderbolts, Ultimate Spiderman, Skin, M, War Machine, Warpath, most of the recurring characters of Scarlet Spider, Nick Fury (the main universe’s Fury went Samuel L Jackson since the movie), Radioactive Man, *thinks* one of the young avengers… I think his name was Patriot… *thinks* I know I’m missing a whole bunch… then you have the ones who are green or alien. Basically any time you get an ensemble cast it becomes at least relatively diverse….

All I can think of for DC is Martian Manhunter being green, Batwing, one green lantern… um…

2 replies · active 106 weeks ago

lou · 106 weeks ago

DC has Batwing (Batman Inc.’s operative in the Congo), Static Shock, Mr. Terrific, Katana, half the cast of the current Teen titans, Batwoman (Jewish Redhead Lesbian and possibly Bruce Wayne’s cousin), Steel, Vibe, Cyborg, quite a few Earth-2 characters, Black Bat a.k.a. Cassandra Cain (Batman Inc.’s operative in Hong Kong), Ra’s al-Ghul and Talia, and I’m sure there’s a bunch of non-white humans in the Legion of Superheroes. So they’re no slouches when it comes to diversity.Also, you left out a bunch of X-Men in your list, and the black Nick Fury in the main Marvel Universe is the long lost son of the original Nick Fury. He made his debut after the Fear Itself event, along with his best friend, Phil Coulson.
Damn, it feels good to be a geek!

@CX316 · 106 weeks ago

Ah, explains how I missed the handover. I skipped out on Fear Itself after about three issues. That family has terrible luck with eyes, eh?

Wilson R · 107 weeks ago

Just some of the minorities from the current DC Heroes – Cyborg, Blue Beetle, Vibe, John Stewart, Bunker (Mexican and Gay), Batwing, Katana, Black Lightning (Although I think officially he’s just Lightning Now), Firestorm, the Engineer.I don’t think you can really say either one of the big companies is really any more or less diverse, both have been making efforts.

But more than just ‘race-washing’ a popular character to add diversity, the true success stories come from taking an established B or C list character and making them relevant and interesting. Spending time and effort on promoting minority characters is the far better path. Both Cyborg and Luke Cage are/have become far more popular and prevalent due to the effort of creators to include them in an organic way.

1  · active 107 weeks ago

@CX316 · 107 weeks ago

Luke Cage may have gained popularity in his Avengers story lines, but sadly he was the lead of one of the worst runs of Thunderbolts in some time… y’know, other than the incredibly horrific new Thunderbolts series that makes me want to gouge out my eyes.

@DenaghDesign · 107 weeks ago

I’d like to think he’s playing Gunn, years after taking out Wolfram & Hart.

Bryce · 106 weeks ago

It’s a long shot, but I’d like to see a stab at making him a new superhero that doesn’t feel like a bargain bin rip-off of some other superhero. Difficult since there’s a bajillion old ones.

Valerie · 106 weeks ago

I’m kind of hoping he’s playing Eli Bradley (Patriot) from the Young Avengers

Noah · 106 weeks ago

They’ve said that Richards is playing a wholely original character.

emperorbailey· 97 weeks ago

Hahaha! I just watched this video about “black cosplay.” Anyone who just read these comments should watch it. It’s enlightening. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBa9AlDJDMY

Once again Phoenix Comicon was a fantastic success. Next to Emerald City in Seattle, it is my second favorite US show. Thank you to everyone that came out and got a t-shirt, a book, a sketch or just said hi. The Phoenix Phancy Bastards (fancy withe a PH) also REALLY came through with the baked goods, caffeinated goods and beboozed goods. I was able to get David terribly drunk off of too many tiny bottles of Jack (which is a necessity since he’s at least twice as much fun when he’s hammered).

In addition to my comicing bros, I usually get to run around with the entire Wheaton family at Phoenix. This year was no exception, and shenanigans’o plenty (which is my Dropkick Murphys cover band) were had. Wil and I (along with Blind Ferret) debuted the prototype of the Wil Wheaton plushie we’ve been working on since ohhhhh… around the time of this comic dare.

It’s been almost a year in development, but we are all very proud of the final result. They’ll be going on preorder in a week or so and a good preorder means we get to make enough to NOT have to reorder before the holidays (reordering means months of time waiting for chinese shipping crates to arrive on boats). I hope you guys dig the plush and consider picking one up during the preorder. They’ll be $20 and you are fully encouraged to knit space sweaters and clown sweaters for them.

HEY! I started a Facebook group for Fancy Bastards to share ideas, get support and be a community of geeks and weirdos. Godspeed, You Fancy Bastards!

Dallas Comic Con and I have always been at odds. I resent it for being so close to my home and yet such a poorly organized, terribly mismanaged convention, and it resents me for being alive apparently. Don’t get me wrong, all of the fans I talked to (all half-dozen of them) were quite kind and wonderful. But I spent a day away from my family, paid for a table and sat there for 8 hours for basically no reason. I’m sorry, Dallas. You must have done something VERY wrong, because you don’g get a good con. [I wrote a GIANT post about why this con was an incredible disaster, but I realize it was a bit of downer so I moved it to this TUMBLR post.]

Major thanks to all of you Fancy Bastards that have started donation subscriptions since I added the new $2, $3 and $4 monthly levels. There is a now a premium RSS feed just for subscribers that has the full comic in the feed. You’ll get an email with a link when you sign up. If you have already signed up, you’ll be getting an email this week.

When I told you all that I was rethinking what I was doing with HE, I opened myself up to a lot of criticism. A lot of it was constructive, and a lot of it was painful to take in (because it was true). Still some of it was painful just because a few of you took my self evaluation as an invitation to let me know how badly I’ve been fucking up for the past year or so. Not many of you, but enough. One thing that KEPT cropping up was a deep, all consuming hatred for the photo comics. Many readers told me they were the very reason they stopped caring about the comic in general. A lot of people said they were all in-jokes with my friends and this inaccessible. This is a criticism I can sympathize with despite not really understanding it at all. I always assumed the appeal of the photo-comics WAS that I was bringing you inside. Many of the people I feature in the photo comics are far more famous than I. I never expected writing silly situations for me and famous friends to act out would seem exclusionary.

Now, before you jump to their defense and tell me you LURV the photo comics, rest assured that I have heard from your camp as well. I have determined that these photo comics are the MOST DIVISIVE thing I have ever created. You either ALL THE WAY love them or hate them, but you do not KIND OF anything them. I admit they are a bit self indulgent, and certainly not in line with the regular drawn comics you might be accustomed to here. Since I do enjoy making them, and SOME of you do enjoy reading them, I am working on a way to separate them from the main archive. I am also considering moving the convention sketches along with them. I am thinking you would see regular HE comics on the site when you visit it, and then there would be a sidebar widget they told you if there was a new “Convention” comic or a new “Lo-Fi” comic.

I am definitely doing this with the Lo-Fi’s, so that’s not up for debate. The reason is, if I move them I can actually do them multiple times a week (on the same days as the regular comics even) which was always the plan. I’m just not sure if I should break out the photo comics, the sketches or both into their own area. I am opening the floor to your thoughts on this matter. Please don’t use this as a reason to let me know why you hate the photo comics. I’ve heard enough of that for a lifetime. I just want the site to be as user friendly as possible.

COMMENTERS: Weigh in on this idea if you have something constructive to add. I am going to base my decision largely on your feedback. This site is for you to enjoy, and I don’t want to go breaking it needlessly. If you read my TUMBLR post about Dallas Comic Con, feel free to add your own convention (or other gathering) nightmares. I once went to a ren faire where the sewers backed up and started creating little cesspools here and there throughout the faire grounds. It was very… authentic.

Wow, we haven’t seen the Evil Fox Executive in a LONG time. I know Fox doesn’t have anything to do with The Avengers, but who else could be behind such a nefarious plot besides Joss Whedon’s oldest nemesis? Who else would want to take something good and geeky and pure like The Avengers and turn it into a commercial for fucking bullshit “magic” magnetic bracelets?

I’ve shared my thoughts on the carnival scam that is Magnetic/Hologram/Power Bracelets in the past. Let’s just say I am not in favor of them as those who sell them prey on the uninformed with parlor tricks and chicanery. In exchange for a bit of misplaced blind faith and $25 – $50 each mark gets the promise of a no effort, no side effect miracle cure for basically everything and the only convincing they require is a bit of slight of hand and some extremely vague technobabble. I seriously want to rage-flip the kiosks selling these things every time I see them in the mall.

So why am I upset about them again? Apparently there is a subplot in The Avengers that involves Tony getting a set of magnet bracelets as a gift which inspires him to make a new suit of armor (possibly his current nano-tech/neural interface armor). This would be innocuous enough (you can see him putting them on when he confronts Loki), except that Marvel and Paramount are actually shilling for a real $200 bullshit magnet bracelet that you can actually buy if you are A) the stupidest dummy in the world B) suffer from the fictional condition known as improperly polarized blood and C) do not understand that $200 is a lot of money which can be spent on things that are not fucking bullshit.

I uncovered this dastardly plot when watching a 7 minute prequel motion comic concerning all of the movie incarnations of Iron Man’s armor. I felt like such a fucking asshole when, during the last 30 seconds, I realized the entire thing was a set up for an ad for the bracelets. Motion comic’d Tony, upon receiving the gift, actually says “Don’t I see a lot of professional golfers and athletes wearing these?” to which Pepper replies, “They are considered a medical assistive device in China.” You know what Ms. Pots? So is ground up tiger dick! How dare they interject this fucking anti-science horsefuck into the biggest geek movie of the year?! They might as well have The Hulk raving about those Japanese foot pads that suck all the negative energy out of your body “just like the roots of a tree” because people are essentially trees and Hulks are essentially idiots. Fuck this noise. I wanted to love everything about this movie. I bet Cap keeps his 80 year old abs in such great shape wearing one of those belts that electrocutes your fat until it magically turns into an 8-pack. Just 4 easy payments of GO FUCK YOURSELF and you to can possess the abdominal excellence of a super soldier!

COMMENTERS: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! Am I overreacting or not reacting overly enough? Is it possible this whole thing is just a silly plot point that I have somehow self-trolled? If so, then whey is there a REAL tie in magic magnet bracelet for sale that claims to have wondrous health benefits? This isn’t just some over priced limited edition movie prop. These jackoffs actually claim “voodoo blood magicks” will occur when you wear their jewelry. Tell me I’m not crazy.

Pre-JocoCruiseCrazy Lo-Fi comics continue unabated! Or possibly unabashed! Or maybe unabridged. The closer I get to the cruise, the more useless my brain mind is go having.

Do you ever get the feeling Nic Cage’s movies are less “planned out films” and more “impromptu documentaries?” Like he has all these problems and vices and bizarre situations he get himself into and the only way to exercise the demons from his life is to capture them on film. I’m suggesting that there wasn’t even a script for The Wicker Man, but rather Cage was running around on a island one weekend punching old ladies, stealing children’s bicycles and shoveling handfuls of bees into his mouth just as some quick minded film maker happened to catch it all. A bit of second unit shooting, some creative editing and BAM! Cage movie. Why should Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance be any different? Look at Nic Cage. That is a dude that spends probably 75% of his day almost to entirely on fire. Any director would be a fool NOT to follow him around with a camera for a few days on the off chance he started stealing 50 cars, breaking into an abandoned prison or trading faces with a closeted Scientologist.

The ONLY reason I would ever consider seeing the sequel to Ghost Rider (a movie less “terrible” than it was “just plain boring”) is that it was directed by the duo behind Cranks 1 and 2. These guys seems to know what they are doing when it comes to over the top, “did I actually just see that?” action movies. They make no apologies for lack or story in or incongruity of plot and just GO GO GO GO for the insane shot, the ridiculous stunt and the gratuitous murder sex. I highly recommend listening to the interview regarding the Crank films and Ghost Rider with director Brian Taylor (pictured in the comic above) on the How Did This Get Made? podcast. It’s impossible not to like this guy after hearing him talk about his films and realizing he’s actually right there with you on the whole “that made NO SENSE AT ALL BUT IT WAS AWEOME” situation. He’s totally on your team.

• The directors of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance talk demon bikers and hellfire ski lifts
• Nicolas Cage 100 So-Called Greatest Quotes
• Marvel execs talk Ghost Rider lawsuit after fandom explodes
• Marvel/Disney wages petty, vicious war against Ghost Rider creator

COMMENTERS: Any desire to see Ghost Rider: Vengeance Protocol? How about you post your best “day in the life of Nic Cage” that accidentally got captured on camera and turned into one of his films?

FLORIDA FANCY BASTARDS: If you are headed down to MegaCon in Orlando this weekend, please stop by booth 331 and see my Blind Ferret cohorts. They will have a selection of some of my most popular shirts at the booth including “The Doctor Is In,” “George” and “Winter Is Coming.” Supporting them supports me, so I highly encourage it.

You can now purchase a super high quality 11×17″ print of any HE comic by clicking the “Buy A Print” button between the “Previous” and “Next” buttons in the navigation menu. If you don’t see it, try refreshing your browser cache.

FANCY BASTARDS ASSEMBLE! Here’s your chance to help me do something very special for my family and in return get something very special of your own.

SHORT VERSION: For $35 you (and 99 other Fancy Bastards) will get the “Fancy Bastards Assemble!” 11″x 17″ print, plus an additional signed, large sized 11″x 17″ print of your choice (“The Doctor Is In,” “Winter Is Coming” or “Yatta Bub!”). For $55 you can get all 4 prints! As I get closer to the goal I will reveal more of the characters on the limited print HERE ON THIS PAGE.

CLICK HERE TO ORDER! [SOLD OUT]

LONG VERSION: Being self employed has many rewards: no set hours, no boss, no commute, but it also has its drawbacks: no healthcare, no steady paycheck and NO VACATION! With your help I aim to do something about that last one. My wife and I haven’t been on a real, adult vacation since our honeymoon 7 years ago. We have set a goal of joining the Sea Monkeys of JoCo Cruise Crazy 2. Unfortunately this is AN INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE GOAL. We need to raise $3500 for the trip. To that end, I have created a limited (to only 100), signed and numbered print featuring the HE cast as a familiar super hero team.

EXPANDED VERSION: At least a dozen of my friends, and a dozen more people I greatly admire and would like to become friends with are going on this cruise. Last year they had such an amazing time THEY ALL STILL TALK ABOUT IT CONSTANTLY. I want to share in this communal geek experience at sea, and I want to share it with my family. If you can help me achieve this goal I will (continue to) be eternally grateful. Plus you get a some fancy wall art out of the deal. Everyone wins.

UPDATE 10/26/11: HOLY EFFING ESS OUT MY AYY! 60/100 Print packs are already gone! I thought this was going to take weeks, not hours. I am completely floored. I have just revealed two more characters. The final 3 will be unveiled when we reach the 100/100 goal. Giant happy thanks to all those that have ordered so far!

UPDATE AGAIN: WOW! There are only 3 print packs left as of this writing. I have updated the comic with Josh in all his hulking glory and will add the last two after the final 3 are sold. Thank you guys so much for the wonderful support.

UPDATE 10/27/11: All 100 print packs are sold out! I expected this to take weeks if not months instead of days. I have to escalate the production and shipping schedule accordingly. I will add the last couple of characters to the comic/print in the next few days. Thank you all so much for the support! If you didn’t get a chance to order before they sold out, I might make the 3 bonus prints available in a pack for $30 if there is any interest.

UPDATE 11/2/11: The final two Fancy Bastards are revealed. Wil Wheaton and Mikey Neumann! Wil is just this guy, you know? And Mikey is the creative director of Gearbox Software (Brothers In Arms, Borderlands, Aliens: Colonial Marines). Mikey previously appeared on HE in THIS comic. He assumes the guise of Director Fury since, after surviving a stroke, he actually wears an eyepatch from time to time.

For those of you that didn’t get a chance to order one of the 100 limited prints, you can donate any amount and get a desktop wallpaper of this image in THE VAULT.

“Alfred, have you pressed my bat pantaloons? And shined my bat spats? Then I’m off to fight crime, right wrongs, serve justice, be the instrument of vengeance… and get a little pussy on the side.”

You guys are lucky I have a modicum of restraint. This comic very nearly included the phrase “his dynamic dong-o.”

• Latest comics controversy: Did DC ruin two more female characters? [Shows the post-coital image in question]
• The Big Sexy Problem with Superheroines and Their ‘Liberated Sexuality’
• DC Relaunch Snap Judgments, Week 3: WTF, Catwoman‘s Boobs?

COMMENTERS: Do you think DC is just grasping at straws and pandering to the lowest common boner denominator? Or are they really showing modern, liberated, sexually empowered characters? What other outrageous hookups or super-sexual exploits might get more eyeballs on DC’s filth rags? Here’s what my buddy David, has to say on DC’s “retooling” of Starfire.

THE HIJINKS ENSUE STORE IS A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BUY STUFF!!!

I’m not that into DC comics proper these days. Their movies, cartoons, etc certainly have my attention, but floppy, paper comic-wise I’m pretty out of the loop. From an outsider perspective the whole reboot/relaunch seems like a drastic grab for attention and money, which I in-no-way fault DC for. They need both desperately, and they certainly should do what they need to in order to hold on to their audience in a dying industry for a few more years while they figure out the next steps (though I doubt they are anywhere near close to figuring such steps out).

On the other hand, it seems like a much-needed course correction for an insanely complicated and convoluted continuity that has been running out of control for over 40 years. Perhaps a 9 year old kid that starts reading DC comics today will find this new unified universe MUCH easier to grok than I did coming into it in the early 90’s. I wish DC all the best, and I hope this stunt brings more mainstream media attention to comics in general, but I suspect they are only delaying the inevitable. What are comic books, if not little monthly newspapers about aliens and robots (and sometimes alien robots… I’m looking at YOU BRAINIAC, you big jerk.)

Sidenote: From an artist’s perspective, the new costumes take WAY LONGER to draw.

• 5 things we liked (and 5 we didn’t) about DC’s rebooted Justice League #1
• Fake DC Comics reboot ad better than any legit DC Comics reboot ad
• We have a very spoilery discussion about Justice League with Geoff Johns and Jim Lee
• This Wednesday, DC Comics goes all in

COMMENTERS: Did you pick up any of the new 52 #1 titles? What do you think? Those that didn’t, what do you think of the DC relaunch in general (Zod)?

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this Three Wheaton Moon shirt. You can buy it! Then you can wear it! Only two steps to total geeky happiness? Sign me up!

Baltimore comic-con was a blast, and not the kind where I get shot in the chest and die in my partner’s arms forcing him to avenge me and clean up the mean streets at the same time. Honestly, I had intended to this to be my last year due to slumping sales from 2009 to 2010 but the Fancy Bastards came out in force and made it one of my best cons of the year. Thanks! Special ultimate thanks go to FB’s Adam and Casey for hosting me all weekend, driving me around, and throwing me a wonderful party/FB Meetup and to FB Alex for being my booth babe at the convention. Additional thanks to all of the FB’s who came the meetup. We had burgers, hotdogs, drinks, shitty movies and good times in excess of the legal limit as stipulated by Maryland municipal code. See you next year for BatliMORE! [get it?] #imsorry #dontshootme #iknowyouhaveguns

HEY LOOK!: You asked for it, so I added a “Winter Is Coming” desktop to The Vault. I’ve also added “Chibi Wolverine” and “Three Wheaton Moon” desktops as well. Just make a donation of any amount, or sign up for a recurring donation subscription and you’ll get access. I’ve also added mobile versions of these desktops HERE.

THE HIJINKS ENSUE STORE IS BACK!!!

The newly relaunched HE Store is up and running over at Blind Ferret. Please go check it out and maybe buy a book or a shirt or something. Shirts will begin shipping soon, now that we are all back from Comic-Con.

UPDATE: You asked for it, so I added a “Chibi Wolverine” desktop to The Vault. I’ve also added “Winter Is Coming” and “Three Wheaton Moon” desktops as well. Just make a donation of any amount, or sign up for a recurring donation subscription and you’ll get access. I’ve also added mobile versions of these desktops HERE.

Long story short: Short mutant tall. I watched the premiere of Wolverine (Marvel Anime version) on G4TV and it just wasn’t for me. I’m not a huge anime fan to begin with, so let that color my opinions however you like. The show was done in my absolute least favorite style of anime. The “lovers exchanging long, silent looks over the ocean while 80’s casio keyboards set to vibraphone play softly in the distance… then everybody fights” style. It wasn’t terrible, but it certainly wasn’t Wolverine. This cat was about 24 years old, tall, slender and pointy in all the wrong places. From chin to Aladdin Sane-esque frock, he was all points. The only thing I really enjoyed about Wolvanime was the completely shoehorned moment reminding the audience”Hey! Wolverine is Canadian!” when the incredibly Japanese Logan is seen standing atop a random Manhattan building drinking a can of clearly labelled “CANADIAN BEER.” Yatta bub!

COMMENTERS: What other unexpected anime characteristics might Logan or any other Japanimated Marvel character have? What sort of situations might they find themselves in? Does Chibi-Charles Xavier have to catch (’em) all the mutants in order to be a true mutant training master?

Dallas Fancy Bastards! I am going to be at STRIP: The Dallas Webcomic Expo this Saturday [August 6th] from 10-5pm. It’s only $5 to get in. Come get a book or a sketch. It’s a very low key show and I’ll probably be doing a fun times panel with the dude from Cyanide and Happiness.

WATCH THIS WITH YOUR EYES! My friends Yuri Lowenthal and Tara Platt are both fantastic voice over actors (Yuri is the voice of Ben 10, Sasuke Uchiha from Naruto, and tons of video game characters, and Tara has voiced characters in Naruto, Final Fantasy XIII, Bleach and dozens of anime series and video games) and now they have stepped out of the booth, in front of the camera to create their own show. Shelf Life is a live action web series about four action figures living on a young boy’s shelf. It’s like Toy Story for those of us that grew up with He-Man and Spider-Man. You can watch the trailer HERE and check out the full series when it premieres later this summer. You can also follow them on the Facing Books.

LAST THING: My AC died last week and living without AC in Texas is not an option. The new unit is costing me $3000. SPOILERS: I don’t have 1 thousand of dollars, let alone 3 of them. If you enjoy my ability to make comics without dying of heat stroke, please consider making a donation, buying something from the store or buying something from Sharksplode.

UPDATE: You wonderful Fancy Bastards have already donated nearly $650 towards the AC repairs. Thank you so very much. Your generosity means so much to me and my family.

“The Doctor Is In” shirt based off the “You’re The Last of The Time Lords, Charlie Brown” comic is here!

San Diego Comic-Con is in a week! I will be with Ryan and Lar and Danielle at the Blind Ferret Booth in the Webcomic area. Booth 1332. I will have books 1 and 2, prints, sketches and nearly all of my shirts.

I am spending all available time before SDCC getting ready for the con and completing projects that MUST be… completed… to completion. I have NO IDEA what the comic schedule will be like during SDCC. A smart person would place a bet on ERATIC and possibly NONEXISTENT. SDCC is an incredibly stressful week, because it combines all of the normal convention stress (times at least 10 due the size and scope of the show) with the additional stress of wanting to see and hang out with all of the friends and various amazing people that congregate at that shrine of geekdom annually. It’s sort of an “OMG TOO MUCH FUN TO HAVE!!!” stress, which I do not expect you to feel sorry for me about.

• Slave Leia PSA
• Will 2011 put the “Comic” back in Comic-Con?
• The Traveler’s Guide To San Diego Comic-Con
• A New Approach to Crowd Control at Comic-Con: Lottery Tickets for Autograph Signings

Follow me on Twitter if you want to be kept abreast of all the SDCCnannigans. I have also created a Google+ account and I am really enjoying how much it is NOT Facebook. I’ve been doing 10 person video “Hangouts” with readers and other cartoonists for the past couple of nights and it is incredibly enjoyable.

COMMENTERS: Do you have strong feelings either way about the DC Reboot? Is something like this necessary to breathe new life into an aging industry? Is is needed just so fans and creators alike can finally keep the continuity straight? Is is Supersacrilege? Whats with all the extra lines and popped collars on the costumes?

The HijiNKS ENSUE Store is closed for now so I can make some big, exciting changes. It will be reopening VERY soon. In the meantime you can still get shirts from Sharksplode and HE Book 2 from this very site.

“The Doctor Is In” shirt based off the “You’re The Last of The Time Lords, Charlie Brown” comic is here!
ALSO: Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our University of Gallifrey Fighting Time Lords Shirt over at Sharksplode.
ALSO ALSO: I am closing out some current t-shirt and print designs. Please check out this blog post since the stuff on closeout probably won’t be available again.

Man, running a company is hard! You’ve got to deal with supply and demand, and keeping employees motivated, and making sure the break room has the snacks everyone likes (and some of them are sugar free because that one guy in payroll has diabetes), and how sometimes your history and/or future gets rewritten by a major crossover event and also everyone has these new collars (even Wonder Woman who doesn’t even technically have a shirt, so how does she have a collar? I guess it’s more of a choker + battle bustier combo…) so that’s just one more damn thing to deal with. Plus your assistant wants a raise, but she can’t even really use Excel, and she’s always telling the dry cleaner “no starch” in your capes, but you NEED STARCH (you’ve told her 100 times) OR YOU CAN’T GLIDE from rooftop to rooftop… BUH! It’s too much! Sometimes you wish you could just start over fresh, with fresh choices and a new continuity (maybe one where your parents aren’t so dead), and a new collars and… oh wait.

• This fall, DC Comics will restart every big superhero comic at issue #1
• DC Announces The New Batman Family of Titles!
• DC Reveals The Full Cover for Rebooted Justice League #1

COMMENTERS: Feel free to discuss DC’s “Flashpoint” crossover/event/arch/reboot/whatever. Also, what else goes on in the day to day workings of Batman, INC? Is the Batcopier out of Battoner again? Does the boss sneak up behind you and scowl from the shadows when you’re goofing off on Facebook? Does he keep giving the sweet promotions to his son, Damian, when you’ve put in WAY more hours and are TOTALLY more qualified?

Ovipositor Shirts ONLY $11!!! Last Chance Probably Forever!!!

“The Doctor Is In” shirt based off the “You’re The Last of The Time Lords, Charlie Brown” comic is here!

HEY! Here’s a dumb thing I thought of on the couch last night. Heading off to see Bridesmaids with Josh. I hear it’s really good. Like sort of a “Lady Hangover” but not just for ladies. If this movie is a hit can we start calling it The Hangovaries?

Commenters: What other tattoos does Batman have? What about other super heroes? You figure Robin has to have a tramp stamp. The way he shakes that little ass around. Yeah, he knows what he’s doing.

Ovipositor Shirts ONLY $11!!! Last Chance Probably Forever!!!

“The Doctor Is In” shirt based off the “You’re The Last of The Time Lords, Charlie Brown” comic is here!

Alternate Title: Look, Up In The Sky. It’s A Flightless, Tightless Bird!
Alternate Mad Magazine Title: The Red-Blue BLECH!

Ten years later and all I have to say is, “Fuck you Smallville. Fuck you right in the eye.” I posted something on Twitter about how watching the series finale of Smallville was like taking your last, tar-filled drag on the day they stopped making cigarettes. I think that about sums it up. I’ve always know it was bad for me, and no good could come from it. I knew that I was hurting myself and, more importantly, the ones I loved by indulging in such a self-destructive habit week after week. The only way I was able to break free of its toxic hold on my life was to surrender the choice to a higher power. Namely the CW executives that cancelled the show. They have cut off the supply chain for this particular brand of poison and relieved me of the need for personal courage or strength. I am still a broken shell of a man, but at least I can’t continue to feed the monkey on my back. His banana boat has sailed… Ok, that metaphor was pretty weak, but you get the point.

I was going to write something about how you shouldn’t mourn Smallville (even for the guilty pleasure) in the same way you don’t mourn the passing of someone who’s been ravaged by cancer for a decade. When the end comes you are just happy they aren’t suffering any more. Then I realized Smallville wasn’t the patient… I was. Smallville was the disease. Then I got sad. Then I ate some cookies. There was a whole shame-spiral thing.

• The confessions of a Smallville apologist
• 9 Smallville plot points that didn’t turn out exactly as planned
• ‘I Can Be Their Hero!!’ Friday The 13th Brings The Last SMALLVILLE Ever!!

Regarding the above comic: The timeline is pretty weird right? I mean I know it’s a total coincidence, by damn. Two great evils, two pock marks on our nation, filling our hearts and minds with fear, existing side by side for almost exactly the same ten year span. That shit is bizarre.

Another thing: My friend Sam revealed his next, groundbreaking project in this blog post, which I had a small part in creating at TCAF. It is both terrifying and your new favorite internet thing.

COMMENTERS: We are talking about doing an All-Smallville podcast this week. Sort of a soul-colonic to rid our bodies of the toxins left by a decade of exposure to radioactive sadness. If you have topics or questions you would like addressed in the comments, feel free to post them there. Otherwise, feel free to post anything you like about Smallville in general or the finale. Finale spoilers are fine. This is a safe place.

!!!COMMENTS MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR THE SMALLVILLE SERIES FINALE!!!

HEY! This comic is a shirt now!

If you are waiting on your copy of HE Book 2, PLEASE READ THIS!!!

This incredibly stupid idea hit me last night while watching TV. I did a quick Google search to see if anyone had already thought of it and came across this article about Law And The Multiverse: a blog that discusses the real world legal ramifications that superheroes would face. They actually talk about a Superman story line where, in an alternate universe, Supes became president of the U.S. There’s a decent little line of logic that proves he’s an American-born citizen. Fun stuff, so check it out.

COMMENTERS: Let’s keep the crazy train rolling full steam right into Metropolis. Give me your best Superman-Birther slogan. Here are a few more:

The Last son of WHERE exactly?
Go back to Krypton… Oh, that’s right. YOU BLEW IT UP. Don’t let Superman blow up Earth too (or Earth 2).
Superman? Or Super Socialist?
Why is your identity a secret? TIME FOR THE TRUTH!
In America we speak ENGLISH, NOT Kryptonian!
[picture of Lex Luthor] “Miss me yet?”
Clark “Kal El” Kent: There’s an illegal alien at the Daily Planet
Secret identity? More like secret lie-entity, amirite?

C2E2 IN CHICAGO IS THIS WEEKEND!!! I will be there with Randy [Something*Positive], Danielle [Girls With Slingshots] and David [Shortpacked & Dumbing Of Age]! Read more about it HERE.

TEAM EDWARD [James Olmos]

THERE IS A NEW HE PODCAST!!! EPISODE 81 – DICK ISLAND

If you preordered HE Book 2, please read the updated shipping times on THIS PAGE.

Very special thanks to Gordon McAplin who makes a comic called Multiplex. You should check it out. Gordon and I first met sharing a table at last year’s C2E2 and I was shocked at how many people came up to comment on how much they loved his… dick jokes?… No… clever pop-culture references?… No… wait for it… his… HIS CHARACTERS! WHAT?! The the hell are characters? Whatever they are, and however they fit into a webcomic (I seriously have no idea), people were quite impressed with his ability to tell a real human story about the employees of a Chicago movie theater that was both compelling, dramatic and funny. Weird, right?

Either way, I don’t trust Gordon because he claims to be 7 years older than me, while appearing at least 5 years younger than me (I suspect Filipino sorcery), but I do trust comic readers to know when they genuinely enjoy free entertainment. So what have you got to lose? MONEY! THAT’s WHAT! Go buy his book! GO GO GO GO GO GO GO! It sold out at Emerald City Comicon in the first 2 days and I didn’t even get one! You know who got the last one? A BIG SHOT TV PRODUCER! They know everything, so do as he did and part with your delicious cashes.

There is a new HE Podcast.
Download episode 77!

You can still order Ultimate Fancy Editions of HE Book 2 AND get your name in the book until I tell you otherwise. Could be a few more days, or longer. Not Sure Yet. There are about 30 left and selling them ALL is super important in order for me to afford the full print run without having to go into the red.

I’m going to finish out the week with Lo-FiJINKS comics so I can focus on some stuff for the book (have you preordered yours yet?).

Personally I really do not care to see Bane in The Dark Knight Rises, but I would love to see Catwoman done well on the big screen. Bruce needs to have a steady “normal” girlfriend who he is trying use to keep himself grounded in the real world, then BAM! Selina Kyle comes along and dickflips his world six ways from Sunday. I love how that particular Batman trope shows the duality of Bruce/Batman. How they are really two different people, which is something we haven’t seen in the Nolan films yet. He’s getting there, but you don’t have true Batman until he’s completely batnipples insane. All of this was perfectly explored in Batman: The Animated Series (which we all know is the best portrayal of Batman in any media).

COMMENTERS: What do you think of the villain choices? What about the actors? Any other characters or stories you would have preferred to see explored? This is probably Bale’s last Batman film. Where should the franchise go from here?

• Villains of Nolan’s Batman 3: A crazy cat lady and a wrestler
• Anne Hathaway is Catwoman (Rowr!) in The Dark Knight Rises

UPDATE: The Book 2 presale has begun!
This is a comic about multiple disappointments. The first is concerning NASA’s announcement that they found non-carbon-based life on earth found some bacteria that don’t die when you replace their phosphorus with arsenic, or whatever. First contact this is not. The second is related to the all CG costume in the Green Lantern movie and how silly it looks [hint: EXTREMELY SILLY]. When I first saw the trailer on Youtube as a clip from some entertainment news magazine show it was super small, super grainy and the costume looked embarrassing. Then I saw a second clip from the same show, but cleaned up and more clear. It was still small but at that point I thought I might have misjudged the rediculatude of the costume. Then I saw the full HD trailer and realized that it looked just as crazy titty-balls as I had originally thought and the film makers had made a huge mistake. There was a valley in the curve of the quality of the various trailers. We’ll call it “Hope Valley.” Just after hope valley there’s a steep jump off into “Plastic Neon Glowin 8-Pack Nonsense Abs Chasm.” No one survives the fall.

NEWS!!!

The HE Podcast site is somewhat broken and I can’t properly post the new episode. In the meantime you can download it directly HERE. UPDATE: It’s fixed and Episode 73 is HERE.

Check out these damn HE Holiday cards in the store! You need to get them now so you can receive them in time to mail them back out before the Squash Lord crawls through your heating ducts and puts meat pies in your shoes!

HE Book 2 goes up for pre-order on Monday 12/6/2010. Without a successful pre-order there will be NO BOOK. This is also your only chance to get an artist edition other than at cons.

Speaking of cons: Austin/San Antonio Fancy Bastards MUST ATTEND the Dragon’s Lair Webcomic Rampage next weekend (12/11 to 12/12/2010)

Here is a video that FB Locke Cole made for school regarding copyright using some clips from an interview that I did.

UPDATE: Or maybe this didn’t happen at all.

In the same week it was announced that former TV Hulk, Lou “The Ferrigs” Ferrigno, was joining Steven “Fat Karate” Seagal in the Arizona Anti-Illegal Immigration Marauder Posse Squad Strike Force Delta, AND that Guillermo “The Most Mexican Director In Hollywood” del Toro would be bringing a new Hulk TV series to ABC.

I can put up with a lot of things, but brand disparity among individuals loosely affiliated with the same fictional property is ALWAYS where I draw the line. I guess. Come on, The Incredible Hulk Franchise. Pro-Mexican or Anti-Mexican? Pick a side. We’re at war.

Is it just me, or does this story make it seem like Steven Seagal actually is the character he played in Robert Rodriguez’s Machete? Pro-tip for illegals trying to sneak past Lou Ferrigno at the border: he’s partially deaf. Stay behind him and be very, very quiet. If he catches you in a sleeper hold, it’s lights out.

For those unfamiliar with Eli’s Vespa-riding doppleganger, it is his friend Alex. He last appeared in THIS COMIC taking Eli’s place after Eli asked for too much imaginary comic money.

COMMENTERS: This whole thing just screams, “set up for a reality show.” Name the show, come up with the tagline, and/or give us an episode synopsis. I’ll get you started:

“Bean Counters with Lou Ferrigno and Steven Seagal! We’re taking these illegals back to brown-town!”

• HULK SMASH MEXICANS
• del Toro and Battlestar producer reimagining The Hulk for TV

Whatever crime Josh was being accused of, I’m certain that my testimony only served to strengthen his case. I obviously proved myself a credible witness of sound mind and sound theories about who should play the next Superman [hint: It’s Jon Hamm].

• Rumor: Jon Hamm as Superman in THE MAN OF STEEL?
• Do You Want Jon Hamm To Play Superman?
• Why Jon Hamm Isn’t Too Old to Play Superman

Oh yeah. A little poison space potato told me THE FREAKIN’ EWOK STARE SHIRTS [based on THIS comic] are  IN THE STORE!

More info about the shirt HERE.

Speaking of shirts, the shirt I mentioned in the comic is one I designed for the Sklarbro Country Podcast and yes, Jon Hamm did actually get caught wearing one by the paparazzi. Yep. Boner times all around. If you are a sports and comedy fan I would give SBC a listen. Hell, I don’t even understand sportsballing and I really enjoy it.

Speaking of Podcasts I enjoy and Jon Hamm and Superman and whether or not Hamm is interested in being Superhamm, all of those things are addressed in THIS EPISODE of Never Not Funny with Jimmy Pardo feating Jon “Kal Hamm El” Hamm.

You might be saying, “But I’ve never seen the hit practical joke show Prizzanked on the BROtv network.” And you would be right to say that. Prizzanked actually airs on UPN, which stopped being on the TV some years ago. That’s part of why it’s such a good prank.

I honestly believed the Spider-Man musical, Spider-Man: Change The Light Bulb In The Laundry Room Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark would never actually see the light of day. A series of financial setbacks coupled with the fact that (until now) the universe seemed to be governed by reason left me with the impression that such terrible nonsense would not make it to fruition. Hell, THIS VERY COMIC was founded on the idea that an emo Spider-Man was a mockery of the web-slinger. Now there is video evidence that such a bebangfaced, warbling wall-crawler does in fact star in a very real musical stage play that will be put on for actual human beings to… enjoy?

I guess the possibility still exists that on opening night the crowd will take their seats, the lights will dim, the curtain will rise and some jackhole in a trucker hat will run out and individually punch every person in the theater square in the balls.

• With great production values come U2’s most hideous songwriting: first song from Spider-Man musical!
• Song from Spider-Man musical to debut on Good Morning America
• First look at Green Goblin, other designs from Spider-Man musical
• Opening Date Set for ‘Spider-Man’ Musical

Just for fun, here are a few more jabs from the host of Prizzanked to Bono:
“Uno! Dos! Tres! Fourteen! PRIZZANKED!”
“She want lemon? SHE WANT PRIZZANKED!”
“Where the streets have no name, except for that one street PRIZZANKED AVENUE!”
And finally, “Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, PRIZZANK ME! Chump.”

Comment Challenge: Rename Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark
[Inspired by FB JustChristine who came up with Spiderman: Turn Around Bright Eyes]

I realized recently that I never said anything about Marmaduke. So why not take a commentary about X-Men: First class needing some rewrites due to previously unknown similarities to Inception and just shoehorn that giant fucking dog right in there? It makes perfect (anti)sense. Ahh, but the reference doesn’t fit because the dog is just too darn big. And in that remarkable bigness lies the humour. You can’t see the humor, though.

Because the dog’s so big.

He blocks the joke.

With his bigness.

COMMENTERS: What other scenes is Matthew Vaughn going to have to remove from his X-men reboot for being too similar to another film?

I’ve been making more posts in The Vault recently [behind the scenes on two secret logo projects for big name comedians, a secret t-shirt that may never see the light of day, and the rough sketch of this particular comic (featuring deleted dialog)]. If you want access to all the Vaulty goodness, please consider making a donation. If you REALLY enjoy HE and want to see it continue, how about a monthly donation subscription of $5, $10 or $20? Your donations actually represent about 1/3 of my income from the comic and I rely on them like they were… well, 1/3 of my income. Please know that I appreciate your kindness and generosity immensely.

MY BOOK IS NOW AVAILABLE THROUGH TOPATOCO!
This is excellent news since you can now purchase one of my more popular shirt designs and a book at the same time and save on shipping/hassle.

I’ll be removing personalized artist editions from the store later today (maybe tomorrow) so if you want one ORDER NOW.

• Judge rules Dark Ages Spawn, Domina and Tiffany are derivative characters

Read the article above concerning the ongoing lawsuit between Todd McFarlane and Neil Gaiman regarding the ownership of Medieval Spawn and other derivative characters and pay close attention to how specific the judge got with her comic book nerding.

“Much as defendant [McFarlane] tries to distinguish the two knight Hellspawn, he never explains why, of all the universe of possible Hellspawn incarnations, he introduced two knights from the same century,” Crabb writes. “Not only does this break the Hellspawn ‘rule’ that Malebolgia never returns a Hellspawns [sic] to Earth more than once every 400 years (or possibly every 100 years, as suggested in Spawn, No. 9, exh. #1, at 4), it suggests that what defendant really wanted to do was exploit the possibilities of the knight introduced in issue no. 9. […]

I would have sold my soul to the Devil for a chance to be in the court room and hear those words come from the mouth of an elected appointed official. Also to be granted nearly limitless power in order to have a chance to exact vengeance on all who had wronged me in life. Standard Devil-soul-selling stuff.

Feel free to post other landmark decisions in the comments that Nerd Judge may have tackled. I would also be super happy pants if one of you came up with lyrics for a Macgruber style theme song for Nerd Judge.

Leaving on a plane for San Diego Comic-Con in 6 hours. Please post your “geek protest sign” slogans in the comments.

I will have this comic as a special print available at The Topatoco Booth (#1231) in the Webcomics Pavillion. One of the signs is left blank so that I can personalize a slogan for you when you buy the print. It looks like this:

I’m not going to comment on the WBC protesting comic-con (because it promotes false idol worship) since it will just lead to them getting more attention. Dumb, hateful people are predictably hateful and dumb. Something kind of neat is happening as a result of the protest, though. Check out #godlovesbatman on Twitter [more info here]. Thanks to @melsh for titling the comic.

• *facepalm* Westboro Baptist Church To Protest Comic-Con For “Idol-Worship”

[skip the rest if you’ve read Monday’s blog post. just some SDCC updates and reminders]

SAN DIEGO COMIC-CON!

I will be at the Topatoco booth (#1231) in the Webcomic’s Pavilion (just around the corner from Penny Arcade).

I will have a few shirts, my book, various comic prints, a few left over large prints, the special print mentioned above, and a new item:

Sketch Cards! For $5 I will do a quick sketch for you on a nice card that looks like this:

Pretty neat, huh? Sketches in HE books (that you buy) are free, and larger commissioned pieces are priced depending on complexity.

COMIC-CON EXCLUSIVE “Browncoat vs. Red Shirt” SHIRTS!!!

I did a couple of shirt designs for Quantum Mechanix, fine online retailer of various Firefly/Serentiy, Dr. Horrible, Battlestar and Star Trek Merch, that will be exclusively sold at Comic-Con (booth 3251, which is mid-hall, toward the back wall, near the break area) and likely never again. Pick a side and display your colors proudly.

DO YOU WANT A SAN DIEGO FANCY BASTARD MEETUP?

FB’s JustChristine and JonnyAce wants to organize a meetup for sometime during the con. Thursday night I will be at W00tstock. If you are interested make a comment. Follow me on Twitter for minute to minute updates as to what’s going on while I’m at Comic-Con.

!!!IMPORTANT FANCY BASTARD NEWS!!!

July 1st – July 31st will be your LAST CHANCE to get a PERSONALIZED HE BOOK 1 ARTIST EDITION until the 2011 holiday season!!!

ORDER NOW or forever (or for like 6 months) hold on to your funds!

After July 31st you will be able to order the book through my Topatoco store in regular and (non-personalized, as in “pre drawn”) Artist Edition flavors. If you want something special in your HE book 1 you must act nowish.

———————————————————

Thanks to FB Michael for suggesting the setting for this comic based on me started “Couch to 5K” yesterday. And bigger thanks to Spike for suggesting that I get off my ass and get some exercise. I think I will do a podcast with my initial impressions of C25K after the first week.

I don’t really give a crap about Wonder Woman’s new costume or rewritten past. I stopped reading Marvel and DC super hero comics (by which I mean comics featuring the standard roster of characters that have been around for 30-60 years) when I was 13 or so. The traditional comics industry is a bit like a dog that eats it’s own shit. “So like… every dog?” you may say. Sort of. The idea is that the dog in question starts out by eating a tasty meal made with processed cow pieces, smashed up sheep faces and natural goat gravies. Then he poops it out, as dogs are wont to do. Then he’s like, “Hey! A giant steaming pile of something I should eat! BARK BARK!” and he gobbles it down. Eventually he’s going to poop out the poop he just ate. You see where this is going. Let this cycle run it’s course a few times and what started as a nutritious meal of pasteurized farm parts has become thrice-times-shat infinipoop.

How does this relate to the comics industry? I was hoping you would forget about that and focus on the poop eating dog. Marvel and DC have been feasting on the bounty of the same properties for decades. Then when the stories and characters get stale, they redigest them and shit them out in a slightly different format (clone Spider-Man, Electro Blue Superman, Azrael Batman, Robin Batman, Time Traveling Batman, etc, etc). The more times they rehash and reboot a character the lamer the whole situation gets. [This illustrated history of the X-men character Xorn sums up my feelings perfectly]

Most of these characters have been around for so long that they have literally done EVERYTHING they could ever possibly do. There’s no new ground to cover. I don’t expect the publishers to retire pop-culture defining heroes like Superman, Spider-Man and the like but… I don’t actually have any solutions or helpful suggestions. I guess I’m just bitching relentlessly about a subject that I don’t really have that strong of an opinion on that much invested in emotionally in the first place. Remember that part about the dog? That was gross.

• UNVEILING WONDER WOMAN’S NEW COSTUME, DIRECTION
• Wonder Woman gets a new costume. We’re unsure about the jacket.

This comic has essentially nothing to do with Scott Pilgrim vs. The World but I’ve been wanting to draw Josh’s “Rogue’s Gallery of Exes” for a while now. So there you go. If you are wondering where “Goldie Locks” is, I know Josh dated at least one girl in highschool before his gay-wakening so let’s just assume she’s already been defeated… by life and the choices she’s made.

NEW SHIRT! NEW SHIRT! THE BEST SHIRT I’VE EVER MADE!!!

Science Fiction TV-Movie Title Generator T-Shirt @Topatoco!!!

There is also a PRINT of this design too!

The title of the comic should not be confused with “Pilgrim’s Pride” which is a maker of fine poultry products. Actually that’s more suiting since neither titles have anything to do with the comic and one of them is about chicken. Let’s go with that one.

NEWS!
There is a new Fancy Bastard Facebook Fan Page (FBFBFP?)!!! The HE forum is basically dead and the old HE Facebook group is roughly the same. Twitter and the site comments seemed to have really taken the place of the previous FB online meeting places, but I think with this fan page I can give you guys a place to talk about non-HE related things and not force you do have an additional social network identity to keep up with. We’ll see how it goes. Feel free to check it out, start discussion, make posts, add photos, etc etc. For those interested I will keep the forum up and running for now (archive anything you want to save forever), but the old Facebook group will be deleted soon.

• ‘Scott Pilgrim Vs The World’ Evil Ex Posters: This is Why You Should Just Purchase Virgins Online
• ‘Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World’ TV Spot — Includes Garlic Bread Comedy!
• New Scott Pilgrim trailer is romantic comedy platinum

Iron Man 2 was crazy awesome fun times with robot suits though there were a few scenes from the trailer that I wish had made it into the movie. Namely the “you complete me” scene as noted above and the longer version of Black Widow strangling a security guard with her labia.

• Hot From The Forge: A Guide To Iron Man 2’s Deleted Scenes

Sorry I haven’t posted a comic since Sunday, but I’ve spent the last 48 hours on the couch with vertigo and headaches. I have a condition called Menier’s disease which presents as extreme vertigo and nausea. Luckily my case isn’t very severe at all and attacks only come on a few times a year (usually more when I’m incredibly stressed). Anyway, thanks for not badgering me about comic updates.

I just realized last night that Heroes Con is only 3 weeks away. For some reason in my head “next month” seemed like longer than 3 weeks. Now I’m a little panicky, as I always am before cons because there are hotels to book, and books to ship and ships to hotel, etc, etc. If anyone in Charlotte, NC wants to put me up for the weekend (June 4-6) please email me. It would be helpful if you were near the convention center and also not super creepy. (Update: I’ve got a hotel and some roommates now, so it’s all taken care of)

Oh yeah! Big news! HijiNKS ENSUE turned 3 years old 2 days ago (May 11th). Thanks for reading so far and I hope you stick around. As a birthday present to the comic, why not send your 5 favorite HE comics to a few friends that don’t already know about the site. Or just post the links on your blog-o-tron.

It gets harder and harder every month to keep doing HE as my full time job (shouldn’t it be getting easier? No? Oh). If you want to help keep that situation going, please consider making a donation, signing up for a Vault subscription or picking up something from the store. It would mean a lot to me and my family [remember to insert pic of starving child in threadbare clothes HERE].

Yikes! I really didn’t mean for this post to sound all sickly, sad and needy. In happy news, I hope to have the “SciFi Movie Title Generator” shirts and prints in the store this week. We’ll see.

Still working on a proper C2E2 write up. In the meantime, let’s speculate wildly about Joss Whedon possibly, maybe, definitely directing The Avengers movie. What Whedonisms should he include in the film and which ones should he hold back on? As a fan of his Astonishing X-Men run I have high hopes in his ability to breath new life into a decades old superhero franchise, but as a person with a functional memory I know Whedon’s projects don’t always turn out as he plans. Often the suits and execs and various other meddlers twist his creative vision into piles of disjointed poo. What say you good commenter?

• Joss Whedon To Assemble THE AVENGERS!
• Joss Whedon In “Final Negotiations” To Direct The Avengers?

The Dallas Scifi Expo is this weekend. I will be sharing a table with Randy from Something*Positive so put on your Storm Trooper helmet and come say hi. I have on good authority a man called Jayne is going to be there.

Don’t Forget! [Edward shirts now at Topatoco!]

Thanks to Paul Southworth of Not Invented Here for informing me that John “Jim Halpert” Krasinski was in the running to play a goofily smirking Captain America [and for essentially coming up with the idea for this comic]. If you like this particular comic, why not email your favorite movie blog and send them a link to it? What could it hurt?

• Marvel Convenes Steamy CAPTAIN AMERICA Casting Orgy!!!
• Jim from ‘The Office’ As Captain America?
• Would-Be Captain Americas Do Screen Tests… But Seriously? John Krasinski?

HEY!There is a new LoFijiNKS Podcast up now!

2 Upcoming Appearances!!!
Staple!
March 6 @ The Monarch Event Center in Austin, TX
MORE INFO

Emerald City Comic-Con
March 13-14 @ The Washington State Convention Center in Seattle, WA
MORE INFO

BILLS! BILLS! BILLS!:
Many of you know about the hell I and my family went through in 2009 with various illnesses and medical bills. Well, the bill from our last trip to the ER for our daughter came and it is over $2700 (that’s WITH insurance) and the best they will offer me is a monthly payment that is more than my car payment. This is in addition to the $1800 bill I am still paying down monthly for having the damage caused by my spinal tap repaired.

If you enjoy the comic and would like to help out, please consider making a small DONATION. Put “ER Bill” in the comments and I will make sure it goes straight to the Hospital/Collection Agency. I am very happy to report that the Fancy Bastards have already donated over $300 towards my medical expenses. Thank you all so very much.

P.S.

If you missed out on the “Riker? I Hardly Know Her” shirt and would still like to purchase one, pleaseemail me.

Marvel hired the guy that wrote Seabiscuit to script the Venom movie? Sounds like a shitbiscuit. Hey-ooo!

I started reading Amazing Spider-Man in the mid-90’s and Venom was front and center for most of that time. One thing that sticks out in my head-parts is him constantly threatening to eat someone’s brains. Even the “talking” action figure that came out when I was in 5th grade said “We want to eat your brains!” He didn’t actually talk, but you could pull this strip of red tape through his enormous backpack to make him repeat garbled phrases. It actually sounded more like “WIWACHHHNNTOEEEEEUHHHBRACHCHCHCH!” Anyway, the point is how are they going to turn brain eating alien symbiote into a hero?

I read that Marvel did this in the 2000’s with a few Venom solo titles. I also know that there is little evidence that he actually ATE any brains. According this this CBR forum thread, Venom talked a big brain-eat game but never got around to closing the deal. At one point the symbiote (not Eddie/Venom) was feeding off human brain juice, but it turns out (I shit you not) that the same chemical was found in chocolate so Eddie Brock just kept some Hershey’s bars around to quench his better half’s brain thirst. This little tidbit might make you rethink your zombie survival plan.

I wonder if there was ever a “What if?” type comic where Peter Parker chose to bond with the symbiote permanently. That would have been cool. Speaking of cool, this movie will be the opposite of that. I can feel it in my Spider-sense, which is the sense that warns me when Spider-Man related movies with suck with the proportionate speed and strength of a spider that sucks.

NEW THINGS OF INTERST!!!

Come see me this weekend if you are in or arround Austin, TX. I will have 3 separate appearances and would like to schedule a reader meetup lunch/coffee/whatever for Saturday afternoon (10/24). More info HERE.

I have added 2 new appearances in November. I will be at the West TX Comic-Con in Lubbock on 11/7/09 and the Dallas Webcomics Expo the following weekend (11/14).

I have also confirmed registration for Emerald City Comic-Con in Seattle, March 13-14.

BOOK NEWS:

The service I use for my store seems to have misreported the number of Ultimate Fancy Editions of the book that were sold. Instead of 150 it looks like only 147 were ordered. I’ve spent the last few days frantically checking and rechecking Paypal logs and everything seems to point to my store just reporting the wrong number for no reason.
Bad news: books havent shipped yet because I’m terrified there are missing orders out there somewhere.
Good news: There may be 2-3 more UFE’s for sale soon. I will post on Twitter and the first two to respond will get first dibs. FOLLOW ME to get in on that action.
Other Bad news: When it’s all said and done, someone somewhere may not get an UFE they think the ordered, either because the paypal transaction never went through or some random eff up of the internet. If this turns out to be you I will find a way to make it up to you.

The new “Dark Phoenix Saga” is when Jean Grey goes nuts and starts posting naked pictures of herself on Twitter.

This will probably be the last comic this week (ie no comic on Friday) since I only have a few days left before HE Book 1 (pictured below… maybe you should preorder it) has to be finalized and sent to the printer. Thanks for understanding (and for preordering the book… please. go. do it now).

• Disney/Marvel: What Does Disney Actually Get?
• The Pros and Cons of Disney’s $4 Billion Purchase of Marvel
• She-Hulk/Donald Duck Team-Up Finally Possible (Inevitable?): Disney Buying Marvel
• Disney buying Marvel
• The House Of Mouse Eats The House Of Ideas: Disney Buys Marvel
• RE-UPDATE!! Spider-Man, Thor, Captain America, The Fantastic Four, And Friends Have All Been Owned By Mickey Mouse!!

Full Title: “Watch Me Crank Dat Statham Boy, Then IronMan Dat Hoe”
[the hoe in question being either Amy Smart or Pepper Potts]

Maybe Iron Man should call his friend, James “BROdey” Rhodes.

Guys, come in close. Closer. I want to level with you for a minute. I want to bare my soul. This comic was extremely difficult to make. Not because the art was particularly challenging, and not because I tripped over the verbage. It was the subject matter. Making fun of  “Crank 2” is like making fun of a movie where a guy has his heart removed (for some reason) and replaced with a robot heart that runs on a laptop battery which must constantly be recharged through a series of escalating violent and sexual exploits. Ridiculous, right?

The premise already so comical that in order to make a joke about it I had to reach into a parallel universe and pluck out a character that might be able to relate to Jason Statham (I think his name in teh film is Crank-O) through the shared experience of having one’s pulmonary system artificially and forcibly augmented by foreigners. Sometimes my job is hard.

I was pleased to read, however, that “Crank 2” doesn’t take itself seriously enough to get caught up in the trappings of it’s own absurd plot devices. It seems, rather, that the movie has fun with it’s own stupidity by constantly upping the anty in terms of over the top violence (strippers shot in the chest leak breast implant goo… seriously), action and sex (Statham is at one point urged to “rub up against some one” to create enough static electricity to “charge his battery… the battery is his penis).

So I suppose if you want to replace your brain with an artificial brain that has to be fed a steady stream of tits, gore, car chases and explosions (that REALLY doesn’t sound all that bad actually), “Crank 2” might be just the thing to keep your robo-brain from entering sleep mode.

WHO WANTS TO PLAY “CRANK MAD LIBS”?

In “Crank 3,” [group/ethnicity/organization] steal Jason Statham’s [body part/penis] and replace with with a [noun] that has to be [verb]ed every hour or it [someting bad]’s all over the place.

Through the miracle of “Internet Magic(tm)” Josh and our friend Mikey saw “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” and agreed that the experience was worse than “X-Men 3: The Last Stand” and only slightly better than having a scorpion lay eggs in your eye. Based on the trailers, I thought the movie could go either way. It seemed equally likely of providing stupid-fun or stupid-stupid with no fun at all (as illustrated by the scorpion metaphor).

I’m sure we’ll talk more about the effect “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” had on Josh’s sensitive eye places on the Podcast (Episode 50 Live Tonight!).If you want to weigh in early, get-a-commentin’ and let us know what you thought (if you’ve seen it) or if you plan to see it at all.

MERCH UPDATE: No one bought the “Eh-Team” shirt, so it’s out of the Topatoco Store. I will make them available again, for those that missed the chance. I’ll be relaunching the HE store with Topatoco HE Shirts, my own shirts, and Comic prints (+books SOON!) some time next week. Until then, if you want to support The Experiment, picking up one of the other shirts from Topatoco would be a great idea. The better those designs do, the more likely I will be to add new designs in the future.

Here are relevant links for you to eat:

• FBI called in over Wolverine leak

• Wolverine Movie Pirate Sends Murdoch Pirated DVD [Rumor]

• Wolverine Is Mutant Metaphor For Our Own Inner Hurt

• X-Men Director Clashes w Pres On How Dark It Should Be (Video)

• 10 Ways Wolverine Could Still Become A Decent Film

Watchmen comes out a week from today, mother bitches! I actually haven’t read any of the reviews. I really want to go into this movie with a completely objective view. I will be visiting family on March 6th, so I won’t be able to attend the premiere with the HE crew, but I will try to see it on opening day. They usually go to the super fun midnight showings that us procreators aren’t allowed to attend, so it wouldn’t have worked out any way.

What are your premiere plans? Are you reading the early reviews? Are you worried it might suck? Get your ass to the comments!

I should note that the “Josh Dies” tag was applied to this comic because in the probable panel 5 Josh kills himself.  A life without junk is no life at all.

• How 9/11 Changed Watchmen

• Peanuts Watchmen

• Meet The Man Who Wants Watchmen To Succeed… And Fail

• Who Scrapbooks the Watchmen?

• Moriarty reviews WATCHMEN!

• Quint weighs in on WATCHMEN!

• Harry Watches The WATCHMEN And Can Remain Silent Not One More Second!

• Who Watches the ‘Watchmen‘ 3 1/2 Hour DVD?

And what I do is hosting awards shows.

I didnt’t watched the Oscar’s last night, so I can only assume this is exactly what happened. The whole affair doesn’t hold that much interest for me. The show is typically long and boring and the movies I actually see in a given year either aren’t nominated or don’t win. It seems like a giant Hollywood wank-fest where all the actors pat each others backs (and dicks) raw. I guess I should go find a list of who won and what not. I bet I can find all the interesting parts on the YourTubes.

Did you watch it? Did you favorites win? Any major upsets? Commentward ho!

Also, I’ll be attending the New England Wecomics Weekend. Check out my post and comment if you are going to be there.

UPDATE: I just reread that hastily written post and realized it sounded angry. I’m not angry at the Oscars. I just wasn’t that interested in watching the broadcast.

HERE ARE SOME LINKS TO HAVE!

• How to Fix the Oscars

• Kate Winslet, Sean Penn, & Slumdog take home “Big 3” Oscars

• Top 10 Moments of the Oscars

• Kate Winslet’s Holocaust Oscar

I hope Eli washed that bowl beforehand.

Heroes season 3 premiered this week. I don’t even know where to begin. Season 1 showed so much promise. Season 2 swerved directly into oncoming traffic, collided with a bus full of legless orphaned nuns, each holding a kitten and exploded into a fireball of fail that could be seen from space. Despite that I was hopeful. I blamed the mediocrity on the writer’s strike. Now I’m convinced the writers were striking to PREVENT future episodes of Heroes.

I said before that most elements of Heroes are directly lifted from the X-Men franchise, and that creator Tim Kring exists only to make soft cuddly puppies cheat on their spouses, but the heights of plagerism reached in the first two episodes of Heroes season 3 were nearly immeasurable.

• Within the first 2 min the plot becomes “Days of Future Past” (thanks BB), right down to the assasination attempt on a senator, the future traveler that must stop the apocalypse, hell I think Wolverine was in this episode
• One of the new villains basically has Bishop’s power
• One of the new villains IS MAGNETO! A guy that controls magnetism called “The German“? Are you just fucking with us now? Is there a guy that shoots lasers out of his eyes called “Pussy Scott”?
• And, despite this not being an X-Men ripoff, Mohinder starred in what was basically a condensed shot for shot remake of Jeff Goldblum’s “The Fly.” God, I could break it down into further analysis but what’s the point. Go rent “The Fly” and then watch that sequence with “Mohinder-Fly.” Do they think scifi fans are going to be impressed that they just lift ideas from movies and TV we already know?

And the writing. Sweet shit in a bisquit was it terrible. Josh has been telling me this since season 2, but I didn’t listen. He’s almost always wrong about everything! How am I supposed to gauge when he’s right? regardless I’m going to keep watching… because it’s my job. There, I said it.

Afterward I wake up naked in a field, covered in deer blood.

Smallville Season 8 premiered last night. I watched it. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I watched the 7 seasons preceding this one. Smallville is the most schizophrenic show on television. Entire characters, plot points and integral story arcs are swept under the rug from episode to episode and forgotten about by all involved. Plot holes big enough to drive a moon through are standard. Completely ignoring or rewriting a character’s personality to serve the week’s semi-plot is a more than common occurance. Remember when Lana was a fucking reincarnated witch? Smallville is a day time soap masquerading as Geek-TV.

Please, for the love of Zod, cancel this bastard asshole of a TV show so I can get on with my life. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will watch it until its end, so my only hope is that fate intervene and render it assunder. SET ME FREE OF THIS EPISODIC COCK-KNOCKERY!

Kevin Smith has not already seen J.J. Abram’s “Star Trek.” Except that he totally has. But he hasn’t. And whatever he hasn’t seen, he can’t talk about. What can’t he talk about? He’s not at liberty to say. Let’s just say pointy ears are involved…I’ve said too much.

Well I’ve seen the movie too, and I’m not going to be as stingy with the information as Mr. Smith.

I can say, without a doubt, each of these things happens in the new Star Trek:

• Kirk is brash, brazen and undisciplined and for this he will be reprimanded
• Spock will be forced to make an illogical decision then somehow say it was the logical thing to do
• Chekov will… let me get back to him
• The Romulans will seem trustworthy then turn out to be assholes
• Sulu will throw a fabulous dinner party
• Kirk will get laid, get in a fight, then get in a sex-fight
• Uhura will take a message for Kirk will he’s doing the sex-fight
• Uhura will showcase the roundness of her various space parts
• Scotty will throw vinyl records at the Romulans and beat them with a cricket bat
• Bones will be a doctor, not a something else, damnit
• Chekov will… scan something

REMINDER!!! Castcast Live Tonight!!!

More Info HERE.

I’m making it my mission to infiltrate this underground ring of original creator-made comic book smut. I’ll first set my sites on Joss Whedon and work my way to Warren Ellis.

Let me separate comic Joel from real life Joel for a minute and state that I am VERY enthusiastic about “Watchmen” movie and I’m sure it will kick all sorts of kickassery. It just makes for better funny-ha-ha in the comic when I hate everything Josh and Eli love. I want to be clear that I am not actually like this. I REALLY only hate everything Josh loves. Big difference.

All that said, Kevin Smith is probably not the person you want to hinge your “should I see Watchmen” decision on. I’m sure the guy running the screening had to ask Mr. Smith to pull his pants up several times during the film. Hell, if it IS 3 hours long you might need to rub one out just to make it through the whole thing.

In case you aren’t keeping up with Fox’s lawsuit to stop the March ’09 release of “Watchmen” (remember, FOX must destroy happiness wherever it finds it in order to satiate Rupert Murdoch’s nearly unquenchable thirst for geek sorrow) here are a few links to get you up to speed:

• FOX says, “Don’t Blame Us”
• Lawsuit Won’t Stop the Watchmen
• How to Read the Watchmen Lawsuit

Make no mistake that FOX has no intention of actually preventing “Watchmen” from being released. They just want a taste of that sweet sweet cash candy that the film is certain to generate. FOX is just exercising their legal right to soullessness.

Regarding the lack of a Monday comic due to my shoulder/neck/back injury: I can’t promise anything yet, but I am going to try to do 2 more comics this week to make up for it. That’s either means new HE’s on Thurday and Friday or Friday and Saturday.

Regarding the 3 panel layout in today’s comic: I was trying something new but I actually found it pretty limiting space-wise. It forced me to make some script and graphic decisions I wasn’t happy with, so don’t expect to see too much of it in the future.

I, for one, welcome our new Chinese overlords. I missed the actual opening ceremony of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, but the photos alone were enough to blow my mind. Josh has an HD rip of the whole thing, so I’ll probably get to “experience the mindsplode” eventually.

After writing this comic I found that Eli’s assumption wasn’t too far off. Apparantly there were some CG Chinanigans.

I turned on the games last night just in time to catch the US Swim Relay team… swim… really well. I don’t much about sports and I’m certainly not enthusiastic about The Olmpics, but I found myself glued to the TV watching these dudes swim. It was mesmerizing. One lap in that pool would have put me in the hospital. They did MORE THAN ONE. LOTS MORE! It was really quite a spectacle to behold. I guess there is something laudable about attaining a machine-like endurance and reaching near perfect physical condition. It doesn’t make me feel patriotic or “more American” to see the US athletes take home Gold, but it certainly seemed like it took more effort than, say, a football game. So I can appreciate their accomplishments.

SAVE HIJINKS ENSUE UPDATE!!!

As of this post Monthly Subscription Donations are at: $380. The goal is to get as close to $2500 as possible in the next few weeks in order to keep HijiNKS Ensue as my full time job.

Thanks to all that have already donated, sent an encouraging email or spread the word on their blog, forum or website. Your support means everything to me.

For those not in the know, Brothers in Arms is the Gearbox Software game franchise that both Josh and Eli have worked on (as level designer and artist/art lead respectively), I voice acted in, and our friend Mikey wrote. Mikey, who also design the current HijiNKS Ensue website, also wrote the comics which are published by Dynamite.

You can buy issues 1 and 2, and pre-order issues 3 and 4 HERE.

I don’t want to weigh in on the whole “does he deserve an Oscar” dispute, because I don’t really put any stock in the Academy Awards. It’s mostly a Hollywood “let’s all smell our own farts” circle jerk fiasco. That said, having seen “The Dark Knight,” I can honestly say that no actor has ever brought the character of the Joker to life like Heath Ledger. His performance (Oscar worthy or not) was phenomenal. I’ve always hated the “funny Joker” and Heath must have sympathized. His Joker was the psycho nutbox that kills people just to see what will happen. He’s an instrument of chaos with no direction or design. That’s what makes him the perfect foil for Batman. It’s order vs. chaos. Self control vs. instinct. Man vs. animal. That’s a struggle I can believe in 100 times over “I kill because I’m crazy and it’s funny.”

Heath Ledger/Dark Knight Links for your perusal:

• “Heath Ledger talks The Dark Knight“
• “Heath Ledger goes out in a fireball of glory“
• “Joker Vs. Joker: Ledger vs. Nicholson“
• “Jack Nicholson is furious over Heath Ledger playing the Joker (pre Ledger’s death)”
• “Give Heath Ledger an Oscar because he deserves it, not because he passed away“
• “A Brief History of the Joker – in pictures“

I’m sure many of your FB’s saw “Dark Knight” last night around midnight… midknight? I hope to catch it this weekend. So far the review have gone something like, “Holy shit, Batman!” so I am enthused.

I’ve never read the “Watchmen” comics. I know, I will turn in my comic geek card at the door. I had been reading that die hard fans of Alan Moore’s anti-hero opus were worried about the movie not staying true to the source material, but apparently the trailer (that is showing with “Dark Knight“) is assuaging their fears.

I only know of the characters and story what Josh has told me and what I’ve read on Wiki, but the trailer was bonerific to say the least, even if their Batman analog is a freaking barn owl.

Speaking of Batman… just watch this and smile.

I’ve spent the last 3 days or so working non stop on “The Vault of Secret Awesome.” At one point today I said, “wait… I actually have to make the comics or there won’t be any comics.” Let me tell you, this job would be easy if it weren’t for all the comics. I could just sit back and collect delicious internet monies. So delicious.

This comic is as close as I can get to talking about “The Incredible Hulk” since I haven’t seen it yet. Granted, that has never stopped me before, but I actually plan to see this one. Eli says it’s pretty good. Regarding Josh’s pigmentation,  I suppose the hyper-gravy-ation turns the skin green. Why not?

In real life Josh has an “in” with a Popeye’s chicken employee that owe’s him a life debt. Much like Angel and his butcher friend, Josh sneaks in the back of the restaurant and Hector loads him up with life giving gravy… and probably some pig’s blood too.

My comment challenge to you: what else might one order off the menu at “Cluck-U-Chicken“?

Here’s a short one instead: It is the best comic book movie to date. They got EVERYTHING right. Casting was perfect. RDJ is Tony Stark. The effects were perfect. Gadget porn galore and CGI so believable you never noticed it. The balance of action to story was perfect. No drawn out origin, no side love story, no emo. They got him in the suit, he had two fights, it was over and you wanted more. Brilliant.

I’m not saying it was the best movie of all time (I am). I’m saying in leu of all turds Marvel has dropped recently (Daredevil, Punisher, Blade 3, other Punisher, Elektra, FF1, FF2, Hulk, etc, etc) Iron Man just got it right. And get this… I NEVER liked Iron Man in the comics. I left that movie with a thirst for more of the source material. That is what a great comic book movie should do: serve the die hard fans, while equally bringing new ones to the franchise. Well done, John Favreua, Robery Downey Jr., Marvel, et al.

Here’s an even shorter review from Josh:

Iron Man Fucking Rocked

No, really. IRON MAN FUCKING ROCKED!

Josh, Denise and I went out to CAPE 4, the free annual comic con put on by Zeus Comics in Dallas.  Lots of readers suggested I exhibit at CAPE this year because it’s free, low key and probably a fantastic starter Con. I agreed but by the time I looked into it, they were booked up. Maybe next year.

It was a very small Con, but cool none the less. It coincides with “Free Comic Book Day” each year and they hold it outside in a park in Dallas. It was a gorgeous day, there were comics, and creators and nerds and such, so I really have no complaints.

I met a couple of Fancy Bastards (Chris and Michael? God I’m so bad with names Eggwards and f__k), while were there and one of them took some pictures. This was my first reader meeting in the real world. Not sure if it counts since they were friends of Josh, but it was cool all the same.  Josh wins the day for wearing the most meta shirt.

Also, this happened: 

Which completely made my day.

Wow, this comic is almost a day late. Consider it an early Saturday edition. It was inspired by “How Iron Man Gets Dressed.” It wouldn’t be nearly as cool if Tony Stark had to sit there for 45 minutes with an impact drill and a torx driver and put the whole thing together by hand.

Yesterday was weird. I ended up talking to my friend Tom, from the band Spiraling, until 2 or 3am about what he is doing with his band and how it coincides with what I’m doing with the comic. I started working on the comic afterwards but fell asleep at 5am.

Woke up at 8am so I could finish the comic and get to some lunch plans at 1:00. Lunch was cancelled (FOR EVERYONE!) so I went right back to sleep and woke up again at noon or so. 7 hours of drawing later and here’s a comic about Iron Man.

That sounded more like a Livejournal post than I intended.

Tonight I actually get to see Iron Man (Josh and Eli saw it at Midnight last night).  Tomorrow Eli and I will be walking around at CAPE here in Dallas for “Free Comic Book Day.” I’ll be wearing a “Roslin ’08” shirt in case you want to say, “Hi (I was sent here by Satan to kill you).” Hope to see a few Fancy Bastards there.

I’ll tell you why Wesley Snipes isn’t going to do hard time for dodging millions in past due taxes. He’s half vampire. The Daywalker isn’t going to prison. He’ll snap the necks of every cop, judge, bailiff and guard between him and the cell, and he’ll do it with his feet. You know why? Because he’d still be in cuffs. Badass. At some point he’d use the cuffs to decapitate a stenographer then, with no running start, he’d jump through a 2 feet window 20 feet up and vanish. They’d never find him again… unless he wanted them to. Ya’ know, for vengeance.

An alternate ending to this comic would be a “My Cousin Vinny” moment where Josh explains that Wesley couldn’t be guilty of starring in “Blade: Trinity” because he was getting high in his trailer the whole time, and accusing everyone of being racist. He’d show proof that for 75% of the movie, Blade is portrayed by a stunt double with Snipes’ head CG pasted over his own. True story. Look it up.

I don’t personally think Americans should be required to pay as much of our income to the government as we do. Especially considering how frivolously and on what it is spent. But I do know that if I don’t pay my taxes, there will be consequences. But Wesley Snipes lives in a world (an “underworld”) of swords, fangs and leather body armor. Why should he be subjected to the laws of man?

I really wanted to do a comic where the IRS try and strike an uneasy truce with Snipes to help them hunt down the mutated IRS agent that can unhinge his jaw sideways and who feeds on other IRS agents. Actually you could just watch “Blade 2” and pretend all the vamps are with the IRS. Come to think of it… just watch “Blade 2.”

When Joss Whedon gives you a script for a comic book based movie centered on a strong female lead, and you are too stupid to understand what has just happened you no longer deserve the mighty “greenlighting” power that you wield.I remember him blogging about the project when it was originally in the works and the frustration he felt from not being able to please “the suits” was obvious. You could tell he poored his heart into the draft we will never see on screen then winced as he was asked continually to abort it piece by piece. I’m sure, by the end, he was glad to be rid of the project. Now that it’s back on (maybe), they’ll hire some hot-shot hit-maker douche taster to “zazz it up” and give us another Cat Woman.

I was ONLY excited about a Wonder Woman movie when Joss was attached to it. Otherwise I am totally ambivalent to the character. She’s one of those way-too-perfect throwbacks from the primordial comic days that leaves everything to be desired. More so than Superman, in my opinion. Why Batman hangs out with those two, I’ll never know. Neither one of them would know a good “brood” if it bat-a-rang’d them in the face.

I did this comic with the IM chat windows just to get it out of my system. You see, originally THIS (look above) was the idea for HijiNKS Ensue. I would have amusing chat conversations with Josh or Eli, then draw comics based on them. But I actually wanted to show the IM’s. I realized pretty quick that this would be extremely limiting from both an art and writing standpoint, so I modified the formula. Most of the first 50 or so comics were birthed from chat-wombs, but that was as far as it went.

So I figured, “why the eff not?” and made one based on the original (rejected) HE concept, just to say I did.

Much like the first installment, I expect Hellboy 2 to be fun, but not great (or even great fun). It will be visually pleasing and keep me pretty entertained for 2 hours. I’m not really asking for anything more. I just don’t anticipate LOVING it.

That could change with the addition of Seth MacFarlane to the cast, as Johann Kraus, a disembodied psychic entity who lives in a containment suit.

His voice is like baritone molasses. I would pay him to read stories to me at night. If you haven’t seen him speak in person or on video, his real voice is basically that of Brian the Griffin’s dog. Almost exactly. I would murder people for a voice like that. Much like Maurice LaMarche, I have a voice-crush on Seth MacFarlane.

I’ve always had a weird thing about voices in general. I pay very close attention to a person’s vocal cadence, use of words, speech patterns, etc when they talk. Sometime to the point that I don’t hear what they are saying.

Typically this allows me to impersonate people (usually real people, rather than famous people) with relative ease. If I can’t SOUND like them, I can usually TALK like them. It’s a blessing and a curse. I was watching a rerun of Deep Space 9 late at night. It was a final season episode with Ezri Dax. I hadn’t seen any of these in at least 4 or 5 years, but I immediately noticed that the actress, Nicle DeBoer, had a speech impediment. It was slight. She can’t say an “S” without mashing her tongue against her teeth. Once I noticed it, the episode was shot from there. It didn’t offend me, but I couldn’t help but notice it EVERY time she spoke.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I’m grateful for this…talent(?) because I think it allows me to enjoy a particular actor in a way most people don’t notice.

I think I started doing this as a child when I realized that the same 4 or 5 voice actors were on EVERY cartoon in the 80’s. I didn’t know who they were because there was no internet. Later in life I looked them up and started researching their careers and others.

Other than Maurice, some personal favorites are  Rob Paulsen, Billy West, David Warner, Kevin Conroy, Phil LaMar, Keith David, Tres MacNeille and Pamela Segall Adlon. You’ll notice at least half of these people ended up on “Futurama”, making the best best voice acted series in the history or time and space.

Any favorite voice actors? Any weird minutia that you pick up on that most people seem to miss?

I know this wasn’t a major news story (even within the realm of the internet), but I found it very funny that a whole company, Psystar,  sprung up to legitimately sell “hackintosh” computers, The Open Mac/Computer, when the act of doing so violates Apple’s terms of service and is basically illegal. (note: making your own hackintosh isn’t really illegal. Selling them mostly is.)

Engadget has been chronicling the sadness of Psystar (psadness?), even going as far as to call the owner of Psystar to personally understand the shadiness there in.

The reason Steve won’t let other companies develop hardware for OS X to run on, is he wants to control every aspect of the Mac experience. He wants to know that while you are looking at OS X, you are looking at it on a Steve-approved LCD, and typing on Steve-approved keys, etc etc. The existence of the Mac Mini would seem to negate this theory, but I know that’s how he thinks. He at least wants the box housing the motherboard to have Steve-approved prettiness.

What does any of this have to do with 4th grade super hero creations? Nothing. The name “Psystar” just sounds like something me and my best friend in 4th grade, John Kienhoff, would have come up with.

Here are a few other of our grade 4 creations:

• Jack Thunder – Spectral detective with a trench coat, giant hat and a Colt .45. Pretty sure he was a ghost.
• The Cyber Knights – Knights that were also cyborgs. We couldn’t figure of they were from the future or the past, but they were fun to draw.
• Sage – He knew everything… and was also your basic super hero with strength and flight and such.
• Stab – A guy that only used knives. I never got around to drawing him, but I always liked the idea. The villain has a huge gun and he takes him down with just knives. Kick ass.
• I also made a parody comic called “The Z-Men.” The team included “Cry-Clops,” “Collopsided,” “Night Faller” and “Wormerine.” I’ll let your imagination do the legwork.

Any super hero that a 10 year old dreams up has basically unlimited power, no weaknesses and an impossible anatomy that would make Rob Liefeld look like Michelangelo. Oh, and a cape. Always a cape. I should dig up those drawings (I have them all) and put them in the back of the first HE book.

Any Fancy Bastards out there create equally shitty comic book super heroes as a child?

WOW! Sorry for the late comic guys. This one took way longer than expected and I used last night to reset my sleep schedule. One of the caveats of working from home is you can stay up drawing until 3 am and sleep until 11 the next day. A week of that and I’m all screwed up. Looks like I’m back on track for the rest of the week.

The special preview of Iron Man during the Battlestar Galactica premier was almost as exciting as BSG. It looks amazing. Hell, they could show that 2 min trailer over and over and over in the theatre and I would pay to see it.

What do you think? Is Iron Man going to be a Spiderman 1, Spiderman 2 or Batman Begins? Or is it a Spiderman 3, Ghostrider, Elektra or Fantastic 4: ROTSS?

My vote is John Faverau is a comic geek and will do right by all of us.

What were the best and worst comic book movie adaptations since, let’s say, 2000.

UPDATE:

Check out the “Run before you can walk” clip.

There is a such thing as a video game. And in that realm of that product that have what we, in the internet, call a WWII FPS MMPORGOMGWTFBBQ. The best of these is a series called “Brothers in Arms” produced by Gearbox Software. They are currently developing the third installment, “Hell’s Highway” (originally titled “Brothers in Arms: Life’s a Beach…Stom It!“)

I care about this:

A) Because every single person I know in the world (including the characters in this webcomic who are NOT me…and not Tom Cruise) is hard at work this very minute making it all happen, and
B) I’m in all three games

In the “Brothers in Arms” series, I play Pvt. Michael Garnett. Garnett dies in the first game, but the circumstances of his death are shrouded in mystery, and possibly shame, and possibly unsportsmanlike conduct. In the second game Garnett shows back up as a zombie time traveler, reanimated by the Nazi’s. Not really, but that would be cool. In “Hell’s Highway” you may finally learn the secrets of his death and who is responsible (I know, but I’m not telling).

My good friend, Mikey, is the writer for all three games and now a comic book title based on the game. This comic looks fucking slick (especially issue 5 which deals with Garnett’s backstory). Even though you can’t hear my voice in the comic, you should think of me when you read it. I asked if we could have those interactive comics, like in “Big,” but Mikey said that was just a movie. Mikey is also the voice of Cpl. Corrion (who doesn’t die in the first game). We might podcast the comics reading only our parts, pausing for the rest (so you can read along) and making tank noises.

The comic is up for preorder here:

The thing that sets this franchise apart from EVERY OTHER WWII shooter is the story. Each and every character has a unique personality, friendships, families and a reason to try and survive (most of them don’t). When you play the game you get lost in the story. You try and keep your men alive, not to get to the next mission, but to make sure your friends don’t die (they die anyway). Playing the game is a sobering experience. It’s confusing, chaotic, and terrifying. It feels like war.

The narrative, the graphics, the whole experience of these games is top shelf. Do yourself a favor and preorder the comic, play the games and rest easy in the knowledge that sometimes when you hear “GET DOWN!” or “KRAAAUUUTS!” it’s me, saying “Hi.”

the housekeeper and the masseuse opened the bedroom and found Mr. Ledger naked and unconscious on a bed, with pills scattered around his body.

Update:
OMG, he died in 50% of Michelle Tanner’s apartment:

The actor Heath Ledger was found dead this afternoon in an apartment in Manhattan owned by the actress Mary-Kate Olsen, according to the New York City police. Mr. Ledger was 28.

Steampunk Justice League (coolest thing I’ve seen all day)

There is nothing funny about this guy’s face (heartbreaking)

Dangerous lesbian criminal escapes police custody (hide your daughters)

(this mashup is NOT one of the actual pieces. It’s like 3 of them blendered)

Punned! (not to be confused with Pwned)

It’s 2:30am. Cheap puns are all I have to offer. All the trailers for “Iron Man” make it look like the type of thing I would want to see. At first I thought Robert Downey Jr. (RDJ if you’re nasty) was a bit of bizarro  casting, but that’s when I remembered that Tony Stark was a loathsome, womanizing douche-hole. So RDJ is perfect! I’m full on expecting the suit to have a coke-vac nose candy sucking attachment. A face-Hoover of sorts.

I never really read Iron Man comics. Eli read the Marvel Civil War religiously. Apparently Iron Man is the Cheney of the group. I did buy the issues where Tony “died” and his black friend took over the suit-duties and became War Machine. As soon as they resurrected Stark I lost interest. How is a brother supposed to make it in this super hero game if the white man keeps coming back from the dead to take him down. Do you remember Black-Superman or Afro-Flash? Of course not. That’s my point. Stark… like stark white. Now it’s all starting to make sense. I hate the white man so much.

So much.

As you can see, I just can’t allow myself to leave well enough alone and enjoy a good situation.

This article over at the Giz sparked the idea. It also made me remember there is a such thing as a Nerdcore Boobie Calendar.

What’s your nerd fantasy? He-Man? She-ra? Skeletor? Discuss.

Comic Con’s are an interesting animal to be sure in that they have less to do with comic books and more to do with “I made a Taun-taun costume, do you want to sleep in my stomach?”

Josh, Eli and I loaded up and trekked to Arlington last Saturday the 17th. Almost immediately we realized no one brought a camera. The heinousness of this error was immediately evident when, as soon as we arrived, we were greeted by a young man in a Hank “Beast” McCoy costume. It looked like he had killed Cookie Monster and a dentist then combined them into a suit. I applaud his efforts because I was able to recognize him immediately. There’s a somber quality to seeing someone draped in Muppet fur then simultaneously feeling excited and remorseful. It’s sort of a “man that guy is… only 5% geekier than I am…(cry).” You think, “Dear god, it could have so easily been me in his place. A few dateless nights, a few more LAN parties and that could be me with blue clown makeup sweating off my forehead. There but for the grace of frequent sexual intercourse go I.”

It’s humbling.

Also, there were Ghost Busters, which fucking kicked ass. No Winston though. Racists.

Wizard World is VERY small compared to medium to large sized Cons. You can walk the whole thing and see everything you need to see in 45 minutes or so. There were some fantastic artists and some not-so-fantastic-more-so-depressing ones as well. By contrast this one guy had these amazing paintings of The Joker, and another guy had Sexy Naughty Bugs Bunny Characters as X-Men. No joke. That’s a niche fetish if I ever saw one. Its a niche within a niche… a “nested niche” if you will.

I ran into DJ Coffman at the Drunk Duck booth. He was pimping his new book “Hero by Night” about a kid who finds a super power ring and tried to sell it on eBay but gets sucked into super heroism. Check it out. I used to read his webcomic “How To” blog. He stopped a while back to go pro. You can read his old webcomic here.

He gave me some great tips on getting the most from Project Wonderful. Thanks, DJ! You are now my third favorite DJ next to him and her.

Regarding extreme sadness at Cons:

1. I saw a furry. A real live (if you call that living) fury. That is all.
2. Dermot Crowley from Star Wars: ROTJ was there. Who the eff is that? He’s General Madine. Who the effing ess is that? Exactly. No One talked to him. He stood near Mark Hamil at one point in time (oh shit, I want his autograph). At one point they came over the PA to remind people that he was there. I got so sad.
3. Herb “Non-hot-Asian-Boomer” Jefferson was there. Original BSG sucked and the con goers seemed to agree. See #2.
4. Lou Ferrigno was there. This was only sad because he was awesome and the line was too long and he wanted money for pictures. Fail.
5. Saddest of all, Noel Neil was there. She played Lois Lane back when TV’s were powered by coal and coal was powered by steam. She is 240 years old and looks every bit of it. I made Josh take a picture over my shoulder with my phone. I think I may have removed a bit of her life force because she seemed to age while the picture was being taken.

The ghost of Lois Lanes passed

This guy was VERY serious about hitting people with foam swords.

Very Serious.

Somehow “The Writers Guild” evokes imagery of shadowy figures in heavy velvet cloaks gathered around mammoth stone tables to perform sacred blood rights and cast runes. This ancient band of clandestine scribes is now on strike. They’ve struck… stricken… whatever. To be fair, the studios should just agree to remove all writing from DVD’s and downloaded shows. Heroes season 2 would be unaffected. O00hhh. Burn.

Today’s comic deals with the declining quality of the television show Heroes and the merits of its “creator,” one Mr. R. Timothy Kring. I’ve decided season 1 was a fluke. Season 2 is a testament to how little this guy understands about comic books or geekery in general.

The short list:

• The only thing we wanted to know is what happened to Peter. We still don’t know.
• Amnesia is teh kop 0uts.
• Focusing on new boring characters worked so well for LOST that we should totaly do it. I hope Dora and Diego get buried alive.
• Wiping out NY was last year’s big bad. This year’s is… wiping out..oh god.
  • For instructions on how to do a new apocalypse every season, see Buffy: Seasons 1-7. Take notes.
• Mutant virus, eh? Don’t read much X-Men, huh?
• Claire’s boyfriend is a tool
• Hiro is an idiot. He was in feudal Japan about 8 episodes too long.
• Parkman’s dad is the killer? One more Hero needed Daddy issues? Seriously. Think about it for 5 seconds. Who on this show wasn’t permanently scarred by their father?

It turns out Tim Kring time traveled forward, read this post, went back in time and apologized for his transgressions. That’s certainly a different approach than we get from Lindelhof and Cuse. They are more of “Fuck off! Let me see you make a better show! Dick holes!” Where as Kring is taking the stance of “yeah, I really don’t know what I’m doing. You guys got any ideas? Where do you post your fan fics? Oh, here they are…. why are all the dudes gay?”

You can download today’s comic for your Webcomic Remixing delights here:

Have some fun with it and email your entries to comics (at) hijinksensue (dot) com.

UPDATE:

I moved the remix entires here and gave them their own category.

Hot on the heels of Joss Whedon’s hugely popular “Buffy: Season Eight” series for Dark Horse Comics (consistently the publisher’s top-selling title since its launch last March) comes a Whedon-supervised “Angel: Season Six” funnybook series for IDW.

I’ve really been enjoying Buffy: Season 8. This preview of Angel: Season Six has made me very enthusiastic. No spoilers…OK, one. Angel is riding a dragon.

Whedon, Futurama, Battlestar, Heroes, Lost, and a giant crowd showing of “Once More with Feeling” and “Hush.”

Maybe next year?

2 of them weren’t funny.

I’ve asked the author to rename it “198 great but poorly drawn comics, and 2 that didn’t make Joel laugh but served as a nice buffer between hilarities.”