This would make baby Jesus cry

The terrifying visions depicted in today’s comic are not the fevered dreams of madmen. No, friends, they are all too real. There is a entity on this earth that encourages you to bestow upon it offerings of discarded man-child hair which they will in turn, for a nominal fee, fashion into the very scalp of our diminutive infant baby lord and savior. I have seen it with mine own eyes.
I was watching How It’s Made on Discovery Science Channel and learned of this Canadian company that will take your child’s hair and cram it into a wax baby Jesus’s head area. It’s not the worst thing anyone’s ever done with a baby Jesus, but the whole ordeal was terrifying, none the less. The end results was some sort of glassy-eyed garden gnome Christ-effigy/ voodoo doll (not GooGoo Doll). There is a step towards the end of the assembly process where a worker heats up a knife and burns out the tiny Christ’s eyes.

The most depressing part is that someone goes to work EVERY DAY and makes these things.

“A Play”

Man on Street with hat: “I’m an investment banker. I drive a car and wear a hat. How do you spend your days, fine fellow?”

Wax Jesus Craftsman: “I perform hair transplants on monstrous abominations made to resemble the smallest 3rd of the Holy Trinity. Once the gentle babe is properly coiffed, and clothed, I produce my rapier. I hold my blade steady over a constant flame. Once it is glowing with searing heat I plunge the sharp steel into the wax baby’s eyeballs. Blinded but still breathing and aware of it’s surroundings, I can now install two perfect glass beads into its orbital sockets completing the transformation. Why do you ask?”

fin

Also, wax baby Jesus, is not to be confused with Big Baby Jesus.

Why a Wiimote cousin? Why not an axe?

Because it’s dull, you twit, it’ll hurt more.

Anyone? Robinhood: Prince of Thieves? Anyone? Guy of Gisbourne? No?

Moving on. I just finished Season 3 of Battlestar Galactica. I’m late to this party, but I brought the Barbecue Funyuns. Josh had been telling me for years that I was missing out by not watching BSG. It wasnt that I didn’t care. Oh, contraire. I cared too much.

When I love something, the good people at VivendiUniversalMTVFOXComedyCentralEXXonMobilMrsBairdsBread start the death clock (not the DethKlok). I told that bald headed bastard that If I ever loved this Battlestar that it would be swiftly taken from us all. Rendered asunder like so much Wonderfalls, or dare I say it, Firefly. Why did you leave us Captain Tightpants? Why?

Well, I signed up for the Netflix, put seasons 1 and 2 in the que and immediately started watching BSG…every night. 3 and 4 episodes at a time. Riker’s Beard, this is good scifi!” I says. 14 seconds later it got canceled. Thats right, my love is cursed. Woe unto to yee that knows my love, for yee shalt be cancel-ed. ALL ARE CANCEL-ED!

Josh tried to convince me that I was part of the problem for not watching it sooner. I pointed out that downloading HDTV rips of the episodes from Bittorrent wasn’t exactly supporting the show either.

I think I actually heard him “Herumph” at that point.

Yes, Jack Shephard, there is a Santa Claus

Perhaps you’ve heard of the plight of little Tommy Westphal. His father and grandfather just didn’t understand his autism, so they locked him in a room, beat him with extension cords and made him watch St. Elsewhere.

This comic marks the 3rd and final in my LOST-centric series. Why does Josh get to play the regressed man-child TV-tard? (I literally answered the question in that sentence) Because he’s been a consummate cheerleader for LOST. Even in the dark times, the pointless times, the unnecessarily confusing times. He always assumes there has to be a plan. All of this will pay off someday, right? It will not.

LOST is your drunken boyfriend. When he’s good, things seem generally OK. There might be a future for the two of you. But when he’s bad you get two black eyes (he must have told you twice) and side-plots about hunky Brazilian diamond thieves. One of these days, LOST is going to go too far and your going to end up the subject of a Lifetime movie staring Meredith BaxterBirney. LOST probably has a second family in Orlando.

He’s a pirate first, and a ghost second

Here’s the 2nd in what is shaping up to be a 3 part Lost series. So you’ve seen the finale by now. Halfway through the super-secret flash forward I had it figured out. Being the studious gadget geek that I am, it was impossible to miss Jack’s Motorola KRZR (the “K” is for krazy), which would have been released in 2006. He might as well have been listening to “Jesus Take The Wheel” and buying tickets to Bad Mother Fucker Jedi vs. The Wicked Serpents.

About the comic. It was a toss up between “Zoinks” and “Jinkys.” Much like Sophie, I had to make a choice. I imagine the next scene would be Locke pulling off Jacob’s rubber mask coated in phosphorescent paint and revealing “it was Old man Hanso from the abandoned DHARMA station all along!” and then throwing a Bowie-knife into his back.

On a side note; in a very Howard Hughes-esque move, Jacob seems to jar his own urine. Perhaps he’s also a reclusive billionaire who’s trying to build a fancifully large wooden plane.

Meeemp! is the sound the alarm makes

I once said that Lost is like reading the first 3 chapters of 10 different books, then going back 6 months later and reading 17 random pages from 5 of the books. What do you do with the other 5 books? (the story started with 10 remember?) You lose those books for at least a year.

(I’d like to point out at this point that I’ve used several numbers in this post. Before you call the feds, I’ve done my research and 3, 10, 6, 17, 5, 5, and 10 are not illegal when used in that order. Some numbers ARE illegal. Be careful.)

Ok so here we are at least a year and a half later, and you find those remaining five books. You pick up on those where you left off low those many months ago. You remember what was going on in those chapters, (sort of) but you’ve basically lost interest (lost…get it?). One of the guys in the 3rd book (of the 2nd set of 5) turns out to be the same guy that caused this one guy from the 4th book (of the first set of 5) to loose his job, and thus go home, get drunk and beat his kids. Who did those kids turn out to be? Fuck you, that’s who.

And scene.

UPDATE 5/27/07

Damn you Henry Ian Cusick and your acursed ambiguous accent! A pox on you! A reader pointed out that Demond is supposed to be Sottish, not Irish. Two comics in and I’ve already issued a retraction. Thanks to Adam Y.