The Name Of The Wind

“Jam Hog” is a name for a penis that rings of elegance, grace and simple beauty. But it is also a strong name. Mostly because of the JAM part. That conjures a certain imagery. Hogs are pretty strong too.
Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts,  nerdy shirts

DICK JOKES! Josh IRL has a GIANT new 3D plasma TV at his home that is actually the one James Cameron watches deep sea documentaries on. I, on the other hand have the same 5 year old plasma that Cameron’s mechanic has in his guest room. Were Josh’s new TV placed betwixt me and the demon sun, Sol, it would surely blot out the DoomStar for eons. The crops would wither, the Earth would fall cold and silent. It’s a big ass TV, is what I’m saying. 65 inches is somehow orders of magnitude bigger than 55 inches. Though I think Josh would be the first to tell you how much impact 10 inches can have. MORE DICK JOKES! Aren’t you glad you got on the Internet today? [Dont forget to check the rollever text for more… you guessed it! Dick jokes!]

COMMENTERS: Using the rules established in the panels above, please come up with more names for Josh’s… well, you get the idea. Perhaps tell the stories and sing the songs of how it came to be known by such names. Perhaps not.

The Future Imperfect

This weekend, on one of our rare, child-free nights my wife and I drove downtown to see Josh and his husband Jeff for dinner and movies. They live in a very nice neighborhood full of affluent types with fancy homes that just so happens to be about 40 feet away from the murdery, crack-rocky part of town. This is just how downtown Dallas is laid out and there’s no escaping it if that’s where you choose to hang your hat or your sack of rocks.

THE HIJINKS ENSUE STORE IS A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BUY STUFF!!!

Funny T-Shirts, Geeky shirts, Doctor who parody shirts, Team Edward James Olmos shirt, Groverfield Shirt, Sci-Five Star Trek Parody T-Shirt in The HijiNKS ENSUE Store

Due to the infrequency with which I visit this area, and my constant focus on not being murdered, I am unable to commit the directions to memory and thus employ a GPS to get me safely there. On the way the GPS said something very much like panel one above and I found myself mocking a machine’s elocution. A machine that knows exactly where I am, within 4 or 5 feet, because it can talk to 3 different satellite that are in space because we put them there with rocket ships. Is there a word that means “jaded by unfathomable privilege?” Because that’s what I am. Also, it should imply that I’m a terrible asshole for not being thankful each day and marveling at the wonders that surround me. Still, when my GPS says “parkway” it sounds like a Dutch exchange student. “Paaarqueaugh?”

Instead of a movie, we watched the first episode of Misfits. We all really liked it. Many of you Fancy Bastards have recommended it, so as soon as I can procure the rest of the series I will ploy through and make some comics about it. Oh, and if you don’t get the Top Gear reference, watch HERE.

COMMENTERS: What technological marvels do you find yourself taking for granted? What would be the best or worst voice for your GPS to have?

The Consummate Tweaker

THE HIJINKS ENSUE STORE IS A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BUY STUFF!!!

Funny T-Shirts, Geeky shirts, Doctor who parody shirts, Team Edward James Olmos shirt, Groverfield Shirt, Sci-Five Star Trek Parody T-Shirt in The HijiNKS ENSUE Store

I’m not even mad at George Lucas any more. He’s successfully divorced me from all personal ownership or warm feelings I had towards Star Wars and turned the franchise into this weird, abstract pop-culture punchline. No other film or series of films have managed to remain in a constant state of flux like Star Wars has. Lucas should just append the word “beta” at the end of each title. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back v. 4.38 beta. Fuck, maybe we’re still in the alpha releases and our grandkids will be the first to run a stable Star Wars build. Either way, I’ve quit my job as a beta tester. I’m bored with having my fandom experimented on.

I hope, just for giggles, Lucas replaces Yoda’s voice with the sound of air escaping a ballon, and replaces every instance of Kiera Knightley/Amidala with Natalie Portman/Amidala and vice versa. You know, just to do it. Maybe by the time the whole series is released on holographic suppository, he’ll have done the fans a favor and digitally added a thousand sand-piranha that are constantly eating Jar Jar’s flesh in every scene.

UPDATE:

 

 

The iLluminati

THE HIJINKS ENSUE STORE IS A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BUY STUFF!!!

Funny T-Shirts, Geeky shirts, Doctor who parody shirts, Team Edward James Olmos shirt, Groverfield Shirt, Sci-Five Star Trek Parody T-Shirt in The HijiNKS ENSUE Store

OMG you guys, Apple totally wants to go steady with Tim Cook! Brenda told Gina and Gina told Stephanie H. that after study hall, Apple is going to give Tim Cook a million shares of their company valued at nearly 400 million dollars that will be fully vested over the next 10 years! OMG OMG OMG! Couldn’t you just die!? They are going to be SO. FREAKING. CUTE together. Totes.

I know Tim Cook’s sexuality doesn’t really pertain to his new job as AppleLord [All hail AppleLord may his blessings be upon you], but I do think a gay man being in charge of one of the largest tech companies in the world is a good step towards universal acceptance of homosexuals. I don’t expect him to crusade for gay rights or anything. It’s better for humanity as a whole if he just does a great job as a gay man in a high profile position. As dumb as this may sound, if some guy with lingering homophobia has the realization that, “I love Apple. Tim Cook runs Apple. Tim Cook is gay. So… gays aren’t evil?” the world becomes a slightly less hateful place.

All of that tolerance aside, the secret gay cabal that runs the media is coming for us, and they won’t stop until we are enslaved under their fashionable iron boot and they rule the over-side. Be afraid. Be super crazy fancy afraid.

 

iWish iKnew How To Force Quit You

THE HIJINKS ENSUE STORE IS A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BUY STUFF!!!

Funny T-Shirts, Geeky shirts, Doctor who parody shirts, Team Edward James Olmos shirt, Groverfield Shirt, Sci-Five Star Trek Parody T-Shirt in The HijiNKS ENSUE Store

Time to retire his black turtleneck into the rafters.

I honestly feel that Steve Jobs, and his singular vision for his company, have done more to increase the acceptance of technology by the general public and the integration of that technology into our daily lives that any other single person in the last 50 years. Like his products or hate them [for whatever arbitrary reason] they have consistently strived to make high end, seemingly “magic” devices accessible to technophiles and n00bs alike. Your mom has an iPad. A device that wasn’t even on the horizon 5 years ago. Steve helped bring us [that] much closer to the future, and for that I will always be grateful to him. Not to Apple, but to him directly. Ever since he returned to Apple in the 90’s, Steve’s drive, commitment, integrity and borderline certifiable insanity have directly influenced how we interact with technology. He’s a total nutter, but great men often are. I think you’d be hard pressed to find any one person that REALLY changed the world (for better or worse) that wasn’t at least a little unhinged. Here’s hoping he’s in better health than I expect he is, and that his input will continue to lead to wonderful shiny gadgets for years to come.

I hesitate to speculate on the future of Apple as a whole. Can they stay on the path Steve set them on, or will they falter under new leadership? My friend Bill Barnes of Unshelved and Not Invented Here wrote some nice words about Steve, and my friend Adam Koford drew this subtly touching and ironic (using the literall meaning of the word) cartoon.

COMMENTERS: Is Apple still Apple without Steve? Should it be? Other thoughts on Steve Job’s departure from Apple? [Please no Apple haters or pointless negativity]