You Ain’t Got To Lie, Craig

NEWT FOR PRESIDENT!!! GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!!!

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I wish there was even an ounce of exaggeration in this comic. Of the last 20 things I’ve sold on Craigslist the other party has flaked out with no reply or response of any kind at least 15 times. Some of them have gone so far as to schedule a pickup time and place and simply not show. You… you just can’t do that to people. You can’t just fuck with peoples’ lives like that. I mean, you KNOW I am sitting in that Target parking lot off the freeway and you don’t even bother to let me know that you just aren’t coming? That’s sociopathic behavior. That’s worse than murder and should be punished accordingly.

One guy went as far as to tell me he was coming to get whatever I was selling (probably something computer related), call me when he was on the way, call me AGAIN telling me he was close and STILL NOT SHOW UP! What happened to him? Was he kidnapped by a family of Yeti? Was he completely incased in cement and buried on the Moon? Did he simply just cease to be? WAS HE EVER REAL TO BEGIN WITH?! IS CRAIGSLIST EVEN A REAL THING?! Oh, right… all those hookers got murdered, so it must be real. But that hooker murderer went to jail. These flake-out, no-show pieces of shit just get to go on with their merry, narcissistic lives. That isn’t justice and it isn’t America. In the Founding Fathers’ day, if you placed an ad in the local almanac offering to trade your silver smithery services in exchange for a gently used ox yoke or a half hour of discrete accompaniment to the alley behind Ye Olde Denny’s and you didn’t hold up your part of the bargain, they would chop your head off with a crossbow! Do you know how long that would take? A really god damn long time.

My daughter has been drawing characters from the Tiny Titans comics and I have been posting them on my Tumblr. They are, in a word, cutedorable.

Some website is doing a webcomics March Madness with over 100 comics. I am on the list and I am currently against a comic called Trenches. I only know of about 10 comics on the list, and I don’t care about the outcome, but it’s neat to see your friends win stuff, even if it’s silly. Go vote or whatever.

COMMENTERS: Am I alone? Is it just me? Does my email give off some kind of “I am not a person and do not serve common courtesy” vibe? Have you ever had this experience with Craigslist, eBay or any other type of classified ad situation? What about crazy Craigslist stories? Do you ever think people buy cheap stuff on Craigslist just to case your house for eventual home invasion? No? Just me? Well you do now.

A Lament For Language

NEWT FOR PRESIDENT!!! GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!!!

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I’m not saying the Internet is making us more stupid. On the contrary. It’s just making us SOUND more stupid. Now if you will pardon me, I have to go update my Frangbo.

COMMENTERS: Have you ever found yourself uttering an Internet-born word or phrase with complete sincerity only to realize later how incredibly dumb it sounded? I still don’t like to say “he Tweeted me” or “they @’d me” in real conversation. I will usually take the long way around to “_____ said this on Twitter.” Alternately, please make up some more fake-but-totally-plausible-sounding social media services. 

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We Are The 5%

NEWT FOR PRESIDENT!!! GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!!!

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Josh IRL actually got a stern warning from AT&T that his “unlimited” data usage was approaching it’s lim… utmost boundary. I find this kind of shit infuriating. The trend among data service providers (cell, internet, tv, etc) is to give the customer a reasonable deal in exchange for a reasonable level of service UNTIL the service is widely adopted, at which point they reduce features and raise fees. I’m in a situation where I can NEVER alter my AT&T plan up or down in any direction because I am also grandfathered into unlimited data and a calling plan that was phased out years ago, and which has no comparable equivalent in terms of features/price. I guess It’s good to know that the grandfathered “unlimited” data plan I’ve been clinging onto so tenaciously is really only a “5GB or we get cranky” plan. That said, their current 5GB plan costs nearly twice what my “unlimited” plan does.

Still, I have no idea how Josh uses nearly 4GB of cell data a month. I use my phone almost constantly and I have never even reached 500mb in a month. I suspect there are secret gay data shenanigans afoot to which I am not privy.

UPDATE: Looks like Josh is not alone.
UPDATE 2: More info from Consumerist. Apparently the cap for “unlimited” is actually 2gb.

COMMENTERS: Once I needed a screencap of Superman II for photo reference on a comic that I couldn’t find online. The only person I knew with the movie was Josh, so I had him video chat with me while pointing his laptop at his TV as I took screenshots. Keep in mind this was 2007 or 2008, before we were all connected to the MotherGrid and had instant access to all information instantaneously. Have you ever constructed such a Rube Goldberg machine in a time of need? 

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The Welcome Wagon

NEWT FOR PRESIDENT!!! GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!!!

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There’s got to be more to it than warp drive, right? What about Mr. Clean Magic Easers? How could you consider a species for eventual admission into the United Federation of Planets if they can’t even get tough, baked on spaghetti stains off their glass top ranges? I say it breaks down like this: You want to roll with the galactic big boys? You need ten things. 1) Warp drive 2) Equality 3) Mostly functional government with short campaign periods, minimal television coverage, and strict caps on campaign donations to minimize big business influence 4) Press’N Seal Wrap 5) Magic Erasers 6) Dyson vacuums 7) Segways (Not that anyone actually uses them. We just need to see that you CAN make them.) 8) Multiroom DVR or GTFO 9) Peanut butter and jelly in the SAME jar (Same as with the Segway or a nuclear bomb. Just a proof of concept.) 10) … I don’t know. World peace or something.

COMMENTERS: What are the other necessities for initiating first contact with a new species? Should they have created, abandoned, re-created and re-abandon 3D movies? What are the hallmarks of true readiness to join the galactic society?  Should they have developed a method for merging a Pizza Hut AND a Taco Bell?

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Fully Functional

You’re The Last Of The Timelords, Charlie Brown
The Doctor Is In T-Shirt, Funny Doctor Who Parody Shirt, Charlie Brown, Sci-Fi

I’m not saying I fucked your washing machine. I’m just implying that in about 9 months there might be a litter of baby appliances running around your kitchen that look a lot like a cross between me and your Kenmore Elite Front Load. 

I have been known to covet a gadget or two in my day. I’ve even continued those covetous feelings AFTER already owning a gadget. The experience could be described as “gadget lust,” but I have never considered actually having intercourse with my iPad. Ok, I have never actually taken practical steps toward fucking my iPad. I guess there’s a distinction that needs to be made between figuring out the mechanics of an act in your head and actually going to Home Depot to purchase materials.

As panel 1 above suggests, I really think the fuckable iPad marks a significant moment in human history. We’ll likely start measuring recorded history in B.C., A.D. and A.F.i. (After Fuckable iPad). The only question is whether we will say “I can’t imagine how terrible life must have been pre-A.F.i.” or “Remember pre-A.F.i. when roving gangs of cyber-wolves didn’t patrol the streets of the burned cities in their decapitanks? Remember clean water? Remember the sun? Remember OH SHIT LOOK OUT IT’S CHIEF CYBER-WOLF, VICEROY STEELPAW!”

Maybe it won’t be all that severe. Maybe fuckable iPads will just be the next “checking email while jogging” or “texting while driving” or “breaking while entering.” Regardless, I am going to start investing in companies that sell close up videos of the tops of peoples’ heads bobbing up and down. Mark my word. It’s going to be the next Hula Hoop. You know? For kids.

COMMENTERS: Fuckable iPads: What a person does in their own home without harming or victimizing anyone else is their own business, or ruination of the species? Is it harmless fun or a slippery slope to shoving laptops up our asses? That slope would have to be PRETTY slippery.

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