Hush My Darling, Don’t Fear My Darling

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our University of Gallifrey Fighting Time Lords Shirt over at Sharksplode.

Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts, nerdy shirts

I find myself in this position with Josh IRL more often than I like. That is, the position of him “fixing” my computer to be more to his liking. “YOU AREN’T USING SPACES, THE MOST INFURIATINGLY FRUSTRATING THIS ABOUT OS X?!?! [click click click] THERE! I TURNED IT ON FOR YOU SO THAT I LIKE USING YOUR COMPUTER MORE!” Once, Josh IRL didn’t like the latency on my MIDI keyboard so he “upgraded” my soundcard driver to one that totally reduced the latency by not allowing my computer to boot any more.

I’m still adjusting to OS X Lion, but I did disable reverse scrolling after about 5 minutes. That shit made me feel like I was in the International Space Station. I don’t want my Internet browsing to cause bone loss. I don’t roll like an astronaut.

COMMENTERS: What other gestures are available in OSX LION? What about the one armed reverse awkward hug, or the Captain’s embrace? How about the one finger Ankh – where you draw gender symbology on the trackpad while singing Ace of Base songs? Gimme your best example and what they might accomplish within the OS.

Dallas Fancy Bastards! I am going to be at STRIP: The Dallas Webcomic Expo this Saturday [August 6th] from 10-5pm. It’s only $5 to get in. Come get a book or a sketch. It’s a very low key show and I’ll probably be doing a fun times panel with the dude from Cyanide and Happiness.

I am also going to be attending the Marian Call concert TONIGHT (Tuesday the 2nd) at Poor David’s Pub in Dallas. You should come.

Last thing: My AC died yesterday and living without AC in Texas is not an option. The new unit is costing me $3000. SPOILERS: I don’t have 1 thousand of dollars, let alone 3 of them. If you enjoy my ability to make comics without dying of heat stroke, please consider making a donation, buying something from the store or buying something from Sharksplode.

UPDATE: You wonderful Fancy Bastards have already donated nearly $400 towards the AC repairs. Thank you so very much. I am always speechless at your kindness and generosity.

Genius Barred

THE HIJINKS ENSUE STORE IS BACK!!!

Funny T-Shirts, Geeky shirts, Doctor who parody shirts, Team Edward James Olmos shirt, Groverfield Shirt, Sci-Five Star Trek Parody T-Shirt in The HijiNKS ENSUE Store

The newly relaunched HE Store is up and running over at Blind Ferret. Please go check it out and maybe buy a book or a shirt or something. Shirts will begin shipping soon, now that we are all back from Comic-Con.

Today’s comic is a super special crossover event with one of my favorite webcomics, Not Invented Here. See how the action plays out (or refuses to) in THIS bonus Friday NiH comic. Not Invented Here is the brainsplosion of my friends Bill Barnes and Paul Southworth. You may know Bill from his other comic Unshelved (because libraries are funny?) and his incredibly hurtful foreword to my first book. Paul (who normally draws NiH, but if off this week) is the creator of Ugly Hill (one of the first comics I ever did a guest strip for) and Isaac Splode.

Not Invented Here started out as a comic by an ex-programmer for current programmers, but has since evolved beyond its premise (as good comedies often do) into a character driven gag/story about two friends (one of whom is Owen, shown in my comic above) working in an intensely corporate environment. Bill writes the strip based on 30… 50… at least 75 years of experience in the software development world. If you have ever coded, worked with a coder, had a manager that imposes impossible deadlines/milestones, or spent any time at all sitting at a desk for 10+ hours a day firing mental hate-rays at the clock then you really need to check out this strip. If you want to see how the comic normally appears courtesy of Paul’s expert and enviable art style, check out THIS ONE or THIS ONE. Otherwise you should start reading from the beginning and/or pick up their first book, Runtime Error.

Not Invented Here Book - Runtime Error

Bill, I believe this completes my contractual obligation. Now please tell me where my family is.

COMMENTERS: What other products are for sale at the “Apple Store”? What other details, defining characteristics or employee behaviors might be a tip off that something is amiss?

 

 

Bask In Its Warm Glowing Warming Glow

“Hey look! @hijinksensue and I made some more silly T-shirts, because I am easily amused.” ~ @wilw

Funny Geek shirts by Wil Wheaton and Joel Watson at Sharksplode

San Diego Comic-Con is this week! I will be with Ryan and Lar and Danielle at the Blind Ferret Booth [Booth 1332] in the Webcomic area. I will have books 1 and 2, prints, sketch cards, stickers and nearly all of my shirts.

If you are going to be at the show, please come by booth 1332 and say hi. I will be the one going on 2 hours of sleep and propping my self up against Lar deSouza.

Big Cat

[Posted 6/27/11 ] I’m still a few comics behind. Thanks for your patience. I’m trying desperately to get caught up on comics, while also shotgunning an entire season of Game Of Thrones before my free preview of HBO expires in a few hours. Assuming I am successful I will get to make MORE COMICS about Game of Thrones that I should have made months ago when the show was actually a thing people were talking about.

Given Apple’s new multi-touch interface patent that grants them eminent domain over nearly every obvious and expected feature of the modern smart phone, you have the wonder what their strategy is going to be moving forward. Are they going on the offensive? Will they attack HTC, Samsung and everyone else that dares to have a touch screen device where the screens display colors in the visible spectrum and the icons do not trigger full volume racial epithets when pressed?

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our University of Gallifrey Fighting Time Lords Shirt over at Sharksplode.

Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts, nerdy shirts

Or will they simply let every other cell phone company know that they are welcomed to pay a hefty licensing fee for their now infringing features, such as “A phone that can display eBooks which do NOT depict graphic illustrations of cattle autopsies”? As for the bobcats circling outside every Sprint store, the employees will just say, “They must be attracted to our… advanced 4G network. Also you should put on these full body leather falconry suits before going back to your car.”

STORE NEWS: The HijiNKS ENSUE Store is closed for a few weeks so I can make some big, exciting changes. [READ MORE HERE] In the meantime you can still get shirts from Sharksplode and HE Book 2 from this very site.

INTERVIEWS: I did a really fun interview with Lauren Davis for Gamma Squad, and the full audio of my interview with ABC Australia’s Nerdzilla Podcast is HERE.

COMMENTERS: What else does Apple’s super broad iPhone Interface patent include? “A Method my which poking at stuff on the screen with your crummy fingers results in a desired action”? “A process by which unwanted phone calls from relatives/employers/ex-spouses can be identified and sent directly to voicemail”?

The Judas Cradle

[Posted 6/24/11 ] I’m still a few comics behind. Thanks for your patience.

My wife and I took out daughter to the fancy mall a few towns over because it has a nicer indoor playground than the one near our house. I stopped in the Brookstone to poke, fondle and sit on things I had no intention of ever purchasing, as one does. There was a new massage chair which was marked down from $3499 to $2000. What a deal! [Seriously, though. When you can take $1500 off of the price of a useless gadget that no one needs and it still costs over two grand, mistakes are being made on all sides]

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made a thing! Check out our University of Gallifrey Fighting Time Lords Shirt over at Sharksplode.

Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts, nerdy shirts

Before you could say,”Memory foam pillow!” I plopped myself down in the pulsating papasan. If Picard had one of these on the bridge, they never would have stopped to check out any unusual pulsars or gas clouds. That is to say, it was a pleasant seating experience. Not phenomenal, but pleasant.It actually had areas (as illustrated above) to insert your forearms and legs. Getting fully situated in this comfort-monstrosity was not unlike suiting up in a battle mech. I half expected a neuro-piston to be driven directly into my brainstem once my limbs were secured. I pressed the “Full Body” button on the remote, but kept my finger hovering over the “Happy Ending” button, just in case the opportunity for full release presented itself.

Just then a salesman walked over, grabbed the remote and said, “Mind if I make some adjustments to increase your pleasure?” As a rule of thumb, this request should always be denied. Regardless of where you are, or who is making it, just say no. The chair latched onto my limbs more tightly and tilted me back so far as to completely remove any chance of escape. He then pocketed the remote out of my reach (literally making me a captive audience) and started reciting his memorized pitch for this particular chair, which I immediately tuned out. Having been in sales for so long, I can always identify the cadence of words that are meant to sound spontaneous but have been spewed for on autopilot so often as to advertise the damage they are doing to the speaker’s will to live. When a sales pitch is repeated by a mortal over 100 times, it becomes of series of killing words. It’s more of a hex, than a list of product attributes. The salesman becomes merely a bullhorn through which this dark monologue is passed on. With each recitation his soul is eroded just a bit more. So, yeah… I wasn’t listening.

I was actually paying more attention to the guy next to him making the hard sale on some kid and his dad for an RC helicopter. How much could commission on a toy helicopter possibly be? A dollar? Two? He actually said, “What do I have to do to get you to take one of these hone today?” It’s a $40 piece of plastic, not a fucking Honda Accord. After my 15 minutes in “The Machine” were up (I had only intended to be there for 5 minutes or so), I grabbed my shoes and muttered something about sending my wife in to try it out before we made a decision. I don’t know why I play those games. We both knew there was no chance in hell I was going to buy an unattractive, impractical chair that cost the same as the nicest computer Apple makes, two 50″ flat screen TV’s or 5 plane tickets. I should have just been honest and said, “Thanks for letting me rub my butt all over your expensive bullshit. Maybe I’ll come back later and buy a digital picture frame for someone I don’t like because that’s a terrible gift.”

STORE NEWS: The HijiNKS ENSUE Store is closed for a few weeks so I can make some big, exciting changes. [READ MORE HERE] In the meantime you can still get shirts from Sharksplode and HE Book 2 from this very site.

INTERVIEWS: I did a really fun interview with Lauren Davis for Gamma Squad, and the full audio of my interview with ABC Australia’s Nerdzilla Podcast is HERE.

COMMENTERS: Have you EVER bought ANYTHING at Brookstone? No? Of course you haven’t. No one has. They are a front for some sinister organization that plans to overthrow the world’s governments with air purifiers and iPod speaker docks. Have you ever pretended to be interested in buying something expensive just so you could play with it? Give me your absolute worst example.