OMZ!

HEY! Where Is Superman’s Birth Certificate? T-shirt available now!

Superman: Where is The Birth Certificate Shirt

If you are waiting on your copy of HE Book 2, PLEASE READ THIS!!!

EWOK STARE T-Shirt and MORE in the HijiNKS ENSUE STORE!

Alternate Title: OMFZ!

“Hey Supes! You and Lois should come check out my high end steak house, Grill Before Zod. Or my combination massage school/bake your own bread joint, Knead Before Zod. Then there’s my Antarctic wildlife preservation society, Seals Before Zod. That one sort of conflicts with my Alaskan oil lobby, Drill Baby Drill Before Zod. I gots my Zod-Fingers in All Sorts of Zod Pots. I’m trying to build a global freaking brand here.”

COMMENTERS: I think you know what to do. Show me what you got.

CHECK IT OUT: I put a desktop version of the “You’re The Last Of The Time Lords, Charlie Brown” comic in The Vault. A shirt is in the works, so stay tuned.

You're The Last Of the Time Lords, Charlie Brown Wallpaper Preview

You can donate or become a subscriber to get access.

 

 

Not My Hero

HEY! This comic is a shirt now!

Superman: Where is The Birth Certificate Shirt

If you are waiting on your copy of HE Book 2, PLEASE READ THIS!!!

This incredibly stupid idea hit me last night while watching TV. I did a quick Google search to see if anyone had already thought of it and came across this article about Law And The Multiverse: a blog that discusses the real world legal ramifications that superheroes would face. They actually talk about a Superman story line where, in an alternate universe, Supes became president of the U.S. There’s a decent little line of logic that proves he’s an American-born citizen. Fun stuff, so check it out.

COMMENTERS: Let’s keep the crazy train rolling full steam right into Metropolis. Give me your best Superman-Birther slogan. Here are a few more:

The Last son of WHERE exactly?
Go back to Krypton… Oh, that’s right. YOU BLEW IT UP. Don’t let Superman blow up Earth too (or Earth 2).
Superman? Or Super Socialist?
Why is your identity a secret? TIME FOR THE TRUTH!
In America we speak ENGLISH, NOT Kryptonian!
[picture of Lex Luthor] “Miss me yet?”
Clark “Kal El” Kent: There’s an illegal alien at the Daily Planet
Secret identity? More like secret lie-entity, amirite?

 

Persistence Of Motion

AND MY AXE!
MEEEEDLY MEEEEEDLY SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

ALL NEW REDESIGNED “AND MY AXE” SHIRTS ARE IN THE STORE!

And My Axe - Gimli shirt by HijiNKS ENSUE at Topatoco

Last chance for Ladies Heather Grey “And My Axe” shirts!

NEW HE Podcast! Episode 80: HERES’S THE LINK

This is indeed Smallville‘s final season which means that soon I will be released from my decade long blood oath and again walk the Earth as a free man. There are either 6 or 1000 episodes left before the end of the season. It’s hard to tell. Time really has no meaning at this point. Somewhere around season 6 I remember saying to myself, “I have wasted over 100 hours of my life on this show. I can either cut myself loose from it now and consider that time lost forever, or I can see this bastard factory through to the end and hope for some kind of payoff. How much steam could it possibly have left in it? One more season at best. Certainly not FOUR.”

Oh, well. I am resigned to my fate. I’m sure it will get an 11th hour 11th season pickup. At that point I will probably just eat a big bucket of wet cement and wait for my internal organs to fossilize.

COMMENTERS: Is anyone out there still suffering with me or am I totally alone? Rest assured that your answer won’t change how miserable I feel about the fact that I’m still watching Smallville. Also, and I think we’ve talked about this before, but what show do you regret holding out to the very end with? What shows are you glad you were able to abandon before they got too terrible?

Of Capes And Cowls

Preorder HijiNKS ENSUE Book 2!!!READ READ READ READ:
This is your LAST WEEK to order an Ultimate Fancy Edition of Book 2 AND get your name in the book. Files go to the printer on January 15th. After that you will still be able to order a UFE but you will NOT necessarily be listed in the book on the Fancy Bastard Wall Of Fancy Fame.
ORDER THAT MOTHER FANCY BOOK, YO!

Don’t want a stupid book? Check out The HE Store!

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: HijiNKS ENSUE is 5 days a week now. Read more HERE.

“You should come check out my new ride. I call it ‘The Scrambler.’ Oh, and you’re going to love these. Bam! Cape-arangs! Pretty sweet, right Bats?”

The Cape Spoilers ahead: I watched the first two episodes of The Cape because I feel it’s my job to jump on these sorts of tv-grenades and absorb the initial impact in hopes that more of my fellow geek-kind can be spared the poorly written, campy shrapnel. (Shrampy campnel?)

In short, The Cape gets everything wrong. It walks too thin a line between “campy superhero shenanigans” and “brooding Dark Kightesque seriousness.” The story, the costumes, the characters and the writing are so silly that any attempts the show makes at drama or real emotion are completely lost. I know many of you enjoy a healthy dose of camp in your super hero shows and The Cape delivers it in spades. It receives a 4.5 on The Greater Xena Scale of Sunday Afternoon TV Silliness. But I have a feeling even you campers out there would take issue with the completely Batmanshit nuts plot of this show.

Here’s the basic rundown (and a summary of how the whole thing is a complete rip off of Batman Begins): Palm City used to be a nice place, but now it’s full of crime and corruption (just like Gotham). All the cops are dirty except for one, our hero Vince (ie Jim Gordon from BB). There’s a villain called Chess, who has chess pieces for eyes and something something he really likes chess. He’s also the CEO of the corporation that’s taking over the city’s police force. Vince (the lone good cop), takes a job for Chess’s corporation as a private security officer and gets set up by his best friend and Chess to take the fall for Chess’s crimes. He is outed as the villain, and appears to die in an explosion leaving his wife and child behind, but escapes and is rescued by a band of circus freaks lead by Keith David. Turns out they are actually bank robbers and Vince has a magic keycard that opens any bank vault in the city. They rob a bank and everyone, including Vince, is happy about that for some reason.

Now that they are all friends, Vince decides he needs justice (like Batman), vengence (like Batman) and he needs to be a symbol for good instead of just a man (like Batman, almost verbatim from BB) and Keith David and his merry band of midgets and weirdos are just the bunch to teach him the arts of fighting, acrobatics, illusion, sleight of hand, misdirection, and mind trickery (The League of Shadows and Ras Al’Ghul from BB) to make his transformation to super hero complete. There’s a training montage where he learns to fight with a magic cape that is light but can become rigid (like in BB), how to use smoke bombs to disappear (just like BB), how to hypnotize people and how to wrestle a midget (just like in… wait…). This is all good and well until you realize that it all basically happened over the course of an afternoon or two. He MASTERS hypnotism to the point that he hypnotizes the hypnotoad hypnotist in a few hours. He can use his cape to snatch knives out of hands after maybe 45 minutes of practice. Whatever.

So with his new costume and arsenal of quickly gained super-abilities he heads out to find this shipment of super explosive that’s being brought into town by Chess. When he gets to the train yard there are shipping crates full of stuffed animals that contain the illicit cargo (just like in BB) and he begins to snatch the baddies one by one into the shadows, totally unseen (EXACTLY LIKE IN BB. IT WAS SERIOUSLY A COMPLETE REMAKE OF THE SHOT FROM BB.) While trying to take down Chess he runs into Orwell (played by Summer Glau) who is a blogger trying to expose the corruption of Chess’s false corporate identity. The first scene between The Cape and Orwell goes something like this. “So you’re a super hero now? That’s cool. Now we’re partners.” Niether party asks any questions of the other. They almost just exchange glances then form a crime-fighting duo. You would think there’d at least be a standard contract to fill out or a 1099 or something.

The Firefly code forces me to evaluate Glau with more leniency than I would others, but the best I can say is that she does all right with what she is given. And what she is given is pretty shitty. The plot is riddled with holes, the dialog is just plain dumb and the characters have little to no motivation to being doing the completely outrageous things they are doing.

The Dark Night get the “homage” treatment too. By the end of the second episode Vince’s fake-widow basically becomes the Rachel Daws character from BB and TDK. Also his “taking the fall for someone else’s crimes” echoes Harvey Dent in a not-too-coincidental way AND they introduce a second Jim Gordon/Rachel analog in the guise of “the lone city councilman who will vote against Chess taking over the prisons despite death threats and murder attempts.” There are literally dozens of other close comparisons between The Cape and Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies but to list any more of them here would be to post the entire script for the pilot.

Verdict: I didn’t hate The Cape, but I won’t be watching it regularly and I can’t give it a recommendation. It is stuck between 90’s era TV camp like M.A.N.T.I.S, VIPER and MUTANT-X and legitimate super hero franchises like Batman Begins/The Dark Knight.

COMMENTERS: Did you watch The Cape? What did you think? Did I miss anything worth mentioning?

  • If The Cape is really our new hero, then America is doomed
  • Summer Glau wants YOU to design a villain for The Cape

  • It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane, It’s An Incredibly Handsome Plane

    Whatever crime Josh was being accused of, I’m certain that my testimony only served to strengthen his case. I obviously proved myself a credible witness of sound mind and sound theories about who should play the next Superman [hint: It’s Jon Hamm].

    Oh yeah. A little poison space potato told me THE FREAKIN’ EWOK STARE SHIRTS [based on THIS comic] are  IN THE STORE!

    Ewok Stare Shirt
    More info about the shirt HERE.

    Speaking of shirts, the shirt I mentioned in the comic is one I designed for the Sklarbro Country Podcast and yes, Jon Hamm did actually get caught wearing one by the paparazzi. Yep. Boner times all around. If you are a sports and comedy fan I would give SBC a listen. Hell, I don’t even understand sportsballing and I really enjoy it.

    Speaking of Podcasts I enjoy and Jon Hamm and Superman and whether or not Hamm is interested in being Superhamm, all of those things are addressed in THIS EPISODE of Never Not Funny with Jimmy Pardo feating Jon “Kal Hamm El” Hamm.