For Your Consideration

Inspired by Tindomiel and the other FB’s that created THIS AMAZINGLY AWESOME VIDEO (read the story and watch it NOW!), I’ve decided the HE crew should formally apply to The Evil League of Evil. Here’s hoping we’ve made the Bad Horse gleeful.

Feel free to use the comments to fill in the 3 arch villains backstories, powers, sidekicks, nemesis… nemesies… you get the idea.

All We Wanna Do Is Eat Your Brains

I hope Eli washed that bowl beforehand.

Heroes season 3 premiered this week. I don’t even know where to begin. Season 1 showed so much promise. Season 2 swerved directly into oncoming traffic, collided with a bus full of legless orphaned nuns, each holding a kitten and exploded into a fireball of fail that could be seen from space. Despite that I was hopeful. I blamed the mediocrity on the writer’s strike. Now I’m convinced the writers were striking to PREVENT future episodes of Heroes.

I said before that most elements of Heroes are directly lifted from the X-Men franchise, and that creator Tim Kring exists only to make soft cuddly puppies cheat on their spouses, but the heights of plagerism reached in the first two episodes of Heroes season 3 were nearly immeasurable.

  • Within the first 2 min the plot becomes “Days of Future Past” (thanks BB), right down to the assasination attempt on a senator, the future traveler that must stop the apocalypse, hell I think Wolverine was in this episode
  • One of the new villains basically has Bishop’s power
  • One of the new villains IS MAGNETO! A guy that controls magnetism called “The German“? Are you just fucking with us now? Is there a guy that shoots lasers out of his eyes called “Pussy Scott”?
  • And, despite this not being an X-Men ripoff, Mohinder starred in what was basically a condensed shot for shot remake of Jeff Goldblum’s “The Fly.” God, I could break it down into further analysis but what’s the point. Go rent “The Fly” and then watch that sequence with “Mohinder-Fly.” Do they think scifi fans are going to be impressed that they just lift ideas from movies and TV we already know?

And the writing. Sweet shit in a bisquit was it terrible. Josh has been telling me this since season 2, but I didn’t listen. He’s almost always wrong about everything! How am I supposed to gauge when he’s right? regardless I’m going to keep watching… because it’s my job. There, I said it.

Clarkanthropy

Afterward I wake up naked in a field, covered in deer blood.

Smallville Season 8 premiered last night. I watched it. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I watched the 7 seasons preceding this one. Smallville is the most schizophrenic show on television. Entire characters, plot points and integral story arcs are swept under the rug from episode to episode and forgotten about by all involved. Plot holes big enough to drive a moon through are standard. Completely ignoring or rewriting a character’s personality to serve the week’s semi-plot is a more than common occurance. Remember when Lana was a fucking reincarnated witch? Smallville is a day time soap masquerading as Geek-TV.

Please, for the love of Zod, cancel this bastard asshole of a TV show so I can get on with my life. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will watch it until its end, so my only hope is that fate intervene and render it assunder. SET ME FREE OF THIS EPISODIC COCK-KNOCKERY!

I keep calling them “Pie Star”

I know this wasn’t a major news story (even within the realm of the internet), but I found it very funny that a whole company, Psystar,  sprung up to legitimately sell “hackintosh” computers, The Open Mac/Computer, when the act of doing so violates Apple’s terms of service and is basically illegal. (note: making your own hackintosh isn’t really illegal. Selling them mostly is.)

Engadget has been chronicling the sadness of Psystar (psadness?), even going as far as to call the owner of Psystar to personally understand the shadiness there in.

The reason Steve won’t let other companies develop hardware for OS X to run on, is he wants to control every aspect of the Mac experience. He wants to know that while you are looking at OS X, you are looking at it on a Steve-approved LCD, and typing on Steve-approved keys, etc etc. The existence of the Mac Mini would seem to negate this theory, but I know that’s how he thinks. He at least wants the box housing the motherboard to have Steve-approved prettiness.

What does any of this have to do with 4th grade super hero creations? Nothing. The name “Psystar” just sounds like something me and my best friend in 4th grade, John Kienhoff, would have come up with.

Here are a few other of our grade 4 creations:

  • Jack Thunder – Spectral detective with a trench coat, giant hat and a Colt .45. Pretty sure he was a ghost.
  • The Cyber Knights – Knights that were also cyborgs. We couldn’t figure of they were from the future or the past, but they were fun to draw.
  • Sage – He knew everything… and was also your basic super hero with strength and flight and such.
  • Stab – A guy that only used knives. I never got around to drawing him, but I always liked the idea. The villain has a huge gun and he takes him down with just knives. Kick ass.
  • I also made a parody comic called “The Z-Men.” The team included “Cry-Clops,” “Collopsided,” “Night Faller” and “Wormerine.” I’ll let your imagination do the legwork.

Any super hero that a 10 year old dreams up has basically unlimited power, no weaknesses and an impossible anatomy that would make Rob Liefeld look like Michelangelo. Oh, and a cape. Always a cape. I should dig up those drawings (I have them all) and put them in the back of the first HE book.

Any Fancy Bastards out there create equally shitty comic book super heroes as a child?