The 1984rity Report

Bill Barnes tweeted a… tweet twat that gave me the idea for this comic.

billba Super annoying because there are 1680 & 1920 15″ screens out there. 1440 isn’t very “Pro” to we graphics professionals.

He has a point. Another point is that after seeing the new Macbooks/ Macbooks Pro I hate my 1st gen Macbook Pro and want a new one. Another another point is that it will always be this way because Apple is in the business of constantly one upping themselves hardware-wise in terms of performance and coolness. That’s just the nature of the brushed aluminum beast.

I will say that I really do prefer my matte screen to the glassy shiny ones. I will most likely buy another Apple laptop between now and the end of time, so I guess I’ll have to adapt.

The fervor that Apple invokes from it’s flock (myself included) tends to make one feel guilty when criticizing their products. As if I somehow don’t have the right to dislike a choice they’ve made. That’s class-A zombification there. It makes me joyfully sad to admit that.

There’s going to be a part 2 to this comic on Friday. We’ll see where the nice men in black turtle necks take Joel and what they do to him there. Should be fun.

I Am iRon Man

HOLY CRAP, STEVE JOBS HAD A HEART ATTACK (except not at all)!

Turns out it may have been an attempt to sabotage Apple’s stock (AAPL) prices. The perpetrator is potentially facing prison time. So if CNN picks up this comic and thinks it’s real, am I going to Federal Pound You In The Ass Prison (FPYITAP)?

In other Apple news, there’s been a rumor of a new Apple product called “The Brick” netting around the trons for a few weeks. Now it looks like “brick” may refer to a brick of solid billet aluminum, out of which the new Macbooks and Macbooks Pro will be machined out of using water jets and lasers. Sounds cool and all, but nothing earth shattering.

Assuming Eli and Steve did get to work on an iRon Man suit, I imagine it would have no visible seems, be incredibly light, have sub par battery life, radiate at about 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit and provide absolutely no protection against machine guns or tank shells. I can also assure you it would be beautiful and Eli would be fired about 3 months into the process for “not getting the vision!”

I suppose I should also mention that Iron Man is the best selling Blu Ray of all time. So many people bought it, in fact, that they shut down Sony’s BD-Live servers. I’ve decided I’m never going to buy a Blu Ray. I’m going to wait until the players are incredibly cheap, then Netflix them until they are completely replaced by digital content distribution.

Eli is going to Chicago this week (all week). If you know of anything he should make sure to visit, experience or a great place to take photos, feel free to post it in the comments. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. Maybe some Chicago FB’s want to buy him a beer?

A Fistful of Joshes

Josh: did you watch the wwdc feed?
Joel: nah
Joel: i read it all
Josh: i’m watching the video of all the 3rd party apps
Joel: my iphone is worth negative nothing
Josh: some neat stuff
Josh: i’ll probably get monkey ball
Josh: because that game is pure fun
Joel: get band
Joel: are you getting the phone?
Josh: are you high?
Joel: hahahahahah
Josh: exactly
Josh: and they’re only half the price
Joel: seems like a marginal upgrdae
Josh: so i can buy 2

I predict about 2 million original iPhones hitting eBay and Craigslist in a couple of weeks. Anyone want to buy a 1st gen iPhone, previously owned by “THE Joel Watson?” What about “THE Joel Watson’s” wife?” She’s semi-internet famous by association.

MACaveli

Alternate Title: “Bob has bitch tats

The Zune Guy has asked Microsoft for permission to change his name to “Microsoft Zune.” I hope they respond by murdering him with tanks.I know it’s a little late in the game to be hating on the Zune (and a little too easy), but this douchepipe is somehow excited enough about a second rate music player with a patronizing and pathetic marketing campaign that he forever ruined his flesh and is attempting to do the same with his name.

The Zune is the “me too” of the iPod generation. If you have one and love it, great. Hold on to that feeling. It’s not the player I hate. It’s the manufactured cool that they so desperately tried to perfect. M$ tries to force cool with indie kids in the ads, and slogans like “welcome to the social.” Welcome indeed. Seeing people buy the Zune when it first came out and desperately try and find this “social” they had heard so much about reminded me of when I was 9 and I got a Laser Tag set for X-Mas. Only I was the only kid with Laser Tag that I knew and it only came with one gun. So imagine 9 year old me sitting on the floor, weeping and shooting myself in the chest with a Laser Tag gun. “The Social” is exactly that pathetic. More so, since I eventually got a Laser Tag Robot (not kidding at all) that shot back at me. “Here, kid. Have a robot instead of a friend.” Sounds bad, but there’s certainly no Zune robot that lets you trade music with it via wifi when none of your real friends have Zunes. If there was, I’m sure it would be a nice shade of turd brown.

The iPod’s at the time were white and black. White like the smiling face of angels and black like the glassy ocean at midnight. The Zune is the color of your dinner when you see it for the second time. Maybe that’s it. They wanted it to be familiar. Like shit. Everyone shits, so everyone will identify with it.  WELCOME TO THE FECAL!

UPDATE (from the comments)

As a device I have NO problem with the Zune. Its the artificial “social” aspect of it that MS tried to force. Apple puts the iPod out there and lets the users make it cool (even if that was their gimmick all along, it was subtle). MS is like, “here’s our MP3 Player, also it makes you cool and have friends and everyone wants one and you should have Zune clubs and make out parties!”

You know MS executives sit around conference tables trying to figure out the formula for “hip.” So far they haven’t cracked the code.