First World Problems

<sarcasm>My heart really goes out to everyone who bought a brand new magical internet computer phone and isn’t 100% satisfied with their purchase. Sometimes life just takes a shit right on your face, doesn’t it?. It’s like you’re a helpless little seagull and the universe is just this unfathomable geyser of foul, viscous sludge that’s constantly spilling hundreds of thousands of barrels of hate-pudding into your home each and every day for months on end… ya’ know… because of the bars… on your phone… and how there aren’t enough of them when you hold said phone a certain way.

“CURSE YOU GOD!” And right to curse him you are, gentle consumer. For it isn’t enough to simply have the sum total of all human knowledge instantly accessible from a device that fits in your shirt pocket. Nay! That device must also be flawless in it’s aesthetics as well as it’s every function! To suffer anything less would be like being forced to skip a meal… or two meals… or go for some greater period of time without food of any kind… or potable water… or being made to live in constant fear of the rape gangs and drug lords that steal children in the night. It’s just like that.</sarcasm>

All silliness aside, Apple knew about the antenna problems WELL before the iPhone 4 launch. The only evidence you need is the Bumpers. Apple has never released an Apple sanctioned case for ANY Apple portable device since the inception of the iPod. In fact, Papa Steve has always taken a staunch, “Cases? We don’t need no stinkin’ cases,” approach to the issue. In fact again, the one and only time Apple came close to offering a case was when they started shipping 5G iPods and 1G Nanos with a simple stitched slip cover to appease the 1000’s of customers (including me) reporting all-t00-easily-scratched screens.

So OF COURSE they knew about the problem. They had enough time to design and manufacture the Bumpers, and hope to high hell that more people bought them than not. I guess that plan failed. So what are they going to announce today? My guess is that a full on recall would ruin their profits for this quarter/year. I bet they offer free bumpers too all iPhone 4 customers. They F’ed up, they got caught and they need to make it right. Though I really have to give Steve props for the “you’re holding it wrong” line. That took some brushed aluminum balls.

Comic-Con 2010COMIC-CON! COMIC-CON! COMIC-CON!
I will be in the Webcomics Pavillion (handy/shittily made map) at the Topatoco booth (#1231) with many of your other favorite internet-style cartoonists.

FB’s JustChristine and JonnyAce wants to organize a meetup for sometime during the con. Thursday night I will be at W00tstock. If you are interested make a comment. If enough people are interested we can make an event on the Fancy Bastards Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter for minute to minute updates as to what’s going on while I’m at Comic-Con.

Help a brother out…
Money is VERY tight at the HijiNKS household right now so if you want to support HE and see it continue for hundreds of years to come, please MAKE A DONATION or BUY SOMETHING FROM THE STORE.

Thanks!

~Joel

An Uncommon iNfestation

“Quick! Get me a Macbook Air. We must shave him! It is the only way to sap him of his strength!”

Thanks to everyone that watched me draw this comic live on Ustream. Follow me on Twitter if you want to know when the live streams are going to be.

I remember when I bought the very first Macbook Pro (15″ Core Duo) that it had a set of dummy screws on the left side of the chasis that served no purpose other than to duplicate the functional screws on the right side of the machine. You see Uncle Steve strives always to maintain harmony, balance and above all, gadget homeostasis. It warms my various circuits and doodads to know that my personal electronics of choice are architected by an absolute madman.

[Science Fiction TV-Movie Title Generator T-Shirt @Topatoco!!!
There is also a PRINT of this design too!]

SciFi SyFy Tv-Movie Title Generator Shirt

This ideal is evidenced most by the fact that no one ever even wants the white version of whatever Apple puts out (accept for the Macbook 13″. There seems to be a colon-ton of those things around). I suspect that, per his own special brand of megalomaniacal lunacy, Steve dreamed up the white iPhone 4 only to serve as counterpart the black one. Perhaps to give you a less favorable alternative in order to make your darker choice seem somehow more fulfilling. Choosing one thing OVER another is certainly something more to be proud of than simply taking the only thing that is available. Hell, that’s actually one of the core principals of Mac Fanboyism.

Guest Comic By Straight Face Comics

C2E2 in Chicago kicked my ass (and my throat) a bit more than I expected, so please accept as your daily dose of comic’d geekery this offering from Matt and Donald of Straight Face Comics. I’ll be writing more about C2E2 and Chicago in the blog later today so check back to see how the weekend went [spoilers: it was super fun times].

Dallas SciFi Expo

The Dallas Scifi Expo is this weekend. I will be sharing a table with Randy from Something*Positive so put on your Storm Trooper helmet and come say hi. I have on good authority a man called Jayne is going to be there.


Don’t Forget! [Edward shirts now at Topatoco!]

A Sudden Stevepiphany

Comicpalooza Houston TX March 26-28

This is actually what happend right before The Dark Crystal.

If you like to see what goes into the making of the comic I have posted a step by step (or layer by layer) “comic making process” gallery of this comic (can I use the word “comic” again?) in The Vault along with the original, unedited script. To get access the The Vault for the rest of the month make a one time donation. To get constant access and REALLY help me keep this comic-ship afloat, please consider starting a donation subscription. Thanks!

Don’t forget, this weekend is Comicpalooza in Houston, TX. I just found out I will be doing a webcomics panel with Randy, Malki! and Phil Foglio so if you are in the area you might not want to miss that (or you might… I don’t know you that well).

It Puts The Black Mock Turtleneck On Its Skin

Sorry. I watched “Hannibal” last weekend. Hannibal Lecter is my favorite fictional villain of all time. I’ve always said, “If I have to be murdered and eaten, I want Hannibal Lecter to be the one to do it.” You know why? One word. Class.

Not only is Steve Jobs NOT giving the keynote speech at Macworld 2009, but Apple says it’s the last one they’re ever going to attend. That’s like not showing up to your birthday party, but hoping all our friends will still have a good time.

If this is the last hurrah of old Steve, I really don’t see Apple being the same company without him. He’s not God (he’s Jesus), but he IS the driving egomanaiacal force behind their success in the last decade. They should download his brain into an OS X sever and allow his essence to live on forever in the Pixar film of his choice. I say “Wall-E.” He can be Messiah to all the fat lazy humans and guide them in rebuilding Earth. He’ll rule with a Brushed aluminum fist… until they come out with a shiny black plastic fist… and then a better unibody brushed aluminum fist cut from a solid block of… he’ll be getting a new hand every six months.