If I Had Glass

I have a bunch of clearance shirts in my store. Please buy them.

Josh IRL brought up a good point in this tweet. The possible proliferation of Google Glass won’t lead to people doing a lot more sky diving and hot air balloon racing. It’s going to lead to everyone walking directly into oncoming traffic and getting hit by a bus because both you and the bus driver were watching some hot heads up (and heads down, and back up and back down) sexytime action on your future glasses. What’s that Clarke quote? Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from porn? Maybe Larry Flynt said that. Either way it’s the most true statement anyone has ever made.

Nearly every leap in technology going back over the last 100 years has been driven by a desire to look at naked people while sexing oneself. Video compression? Porn. Credit cards over the Internet? Porn. Gutenberg press? Obviously porn. Powered flight? The Wright brothers assumed there was better porn two towns over and didn’t want to make the long drive. Porn is the engine around which society and technology gyrate. To deny this is to deny our nature, is to deny our future, is to deny our boners [and lady boners].

COMMENTERS: What applications, both legitimate and legitimately sexy, do you see people REALLY using Google Glass for? Will this tech be the next iPod or the next Google Wave?

Giant Robits Vs. Water Kongs

CRUISE FUNDRAISER: 88/100 prints are sold and it would be great to sell that last few remaining prints before the end of the year. I am also going to leave up the additional prints and print packs for sale until probably February in case you want to get in on that action.

That trailer… I mean, holy crap. Give a guy a chance to catch his breath. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect Pacific Rim to win any awards for compelling dialog or character development, but HOLY CRAP THAT TRAILER WHAT?!

COMMENTERS: Pacific Rim: Best movie or Bestest Movie? How could they fuck this up? I mean, seriously, anything is possible… so how are they going to fuck this up? Not enough giant robots? Too many fantastical extradimensional sea demons? Giant robot/sea demon love story subplot? It would still be better than Prometheus.

If you want to support HijiNKS ENSUE’s ability to have a merry Santaween and you don’t feel like donating or buying any merch… HELL, why not just check out my Amazon Wishlist? Who’s going to stop you? Not me.

Guest Comic By Kris Wilson Of Cyanide And Happiness

Wil Wheaton and I got excited and made this “Fighting Time Lords” shirt for you! 

Gallifrey University Fighting Time Lords Shirt - Doctor Who parody, geeky tees, funny t-shirts,  nerdy shirts

JoCo Cruise Crazy II Guest Week is stranded up on a desert island! I am surviving on the contents of the buffet trays that keep washing ashore and have constructed a rudimentary shelter out of David Willis. The good news is the drinks are now free. The bad news is the drinks are all sea water. Those of us that remain has formed a simple organizational hierarchy, but I fear for the safety of Piggy. I just don’t think he has what to takes to not be murdered. HEY A CRAB!

Sometime around 1997 Kris Wilson along with an elite group of boobies-obsessed preteens, middle aged engineers and Rupert Murdoch met in secret to write the original charter for the Internet. Kris was the one that decided on the “dot” in “.com” due to its ressemblance to both a dick hole and the dickhole-shaped birthmark he has on his dickhole. At only 15 years old, this dude was shaping the very web-o-tron that we live, work and prey on today. Was his early entry into the hall of eHeroes a case of child prodigy, lax parenting or both? The answer, like our collective innocence, is lost to the ages. The answer is also “both.”

There are few people on this planet whose company I enjoy more than Kris Wilson’s. And that is saying a lot considering he spells his name like a girl and he was born in Wyoming. We met at C2E2 2010 in Chicago and within moments we were singing karaoke’d Creed to a party of drunken bride’s-harpies. It was a fast friendship after that and an even faster, more furious courtship. I expect the court proceedings to be even more so 5ast and 5uriou5.

Kris is one of those guys that’s down for anything, ready to run with any joke premise no questions asked and would rather lift up those around him than bring them down or see them fail. These attributes are what has kept him alive all these centuries and what will make facing him in The Cartoonist Quickening all that much harder. Still, I shall have his head for my trophy belt. My belt of heads. It is impossible to sit down while wearing that thing.

He and his Explosm cohorts (one of which is on a boat with me right now! Hi Rob! Can you get me another rum punch? No? You’ve forgotten how to walk? Whale venom will do that to you.) are working on a TV pilot for Comedy Central right now. At least I’ll be able to say, “I knew him when…” and “Can I borrow like $40,000? I KNOW you got it man! I KNOW YOU GOT IT! YOU COCKSUCKER! THEY’RE GOING TO TAKE MY HANDS! MYYYY HAAAAAANDS!”

The above comic illustrates everything I love about being a self-employed cartoonist. The dialog comes straight from a BUSINESS EMAIL between me, Kris and a few others. BUSINESS. Like the stuff you get paid for. That kind of business. What?

COMMENTERS: What conversation, activity, or other whatever have you been the most shocked by (either positively or negatively) in a business setting? One time my old boss called me into his office to look at something that was wrong with his computer. When I got there he typed on his screen, “You can totally see down [female coworker]’s top from here. She keeps shaking her foot and making them bounce. I can’t get any work done. I don’t know what to do?”

Fully Functional

You’re The Last Of The Timelords, Charlie Brown
The Doctor Is In T-Shirt, Funny Doctor Who Parody Shirt, Charlie Brown, Sci-Fi

I’m not saying I fucked your washing machine. I’m just implying that in about 9 months there might be a litter of baby appliances running around your kitchen that look a lot like a cross between me and your Kenmore Elite Front Load. 

I have been known to covet a gadget or two in my day. I’ve even continued those covetous feelings AFTER already owning a gadget. The experience could be described as “gadget lust,” but I have never considered actually having intercourse with my iPad. Ok, I have never actually taken practical steps toward fucking my iPad. I guess there’s a distinction that needs to be made between figuring out the mechanics of an act in your head and actually going to Home Depot to purchase materials.

As panel 1 above suggests, I really think the fuckable iPad marks a significant moment in human history. We’ll likely start measuring recorded history in B.C., A.D. and A.F.i. (After Fuckable iPad). The only question is whether we will say “I can’t imagine how terrible life must have been pre-A.F.i.” or “Remember pre-A.F.i. when roving gangs of cyber-wolves didn’t patrol the streets of the burned cities in their decapitanks? Remember clean water? Remember the sun? Remember OH SHIT LOOK OUT IT’S CHIEF CYBER-WOLF, VICEROY STEELPAW!”

Maybe it won’t be all that severe. Maybe fuckable iPads will just be the next “checking email while jogging” or “texting while driving” or “breaking while entering.” Regardless, I am going to start investing in companies that sell close up videos of the tops of peoples’ heads bobbing up and down. Mark my word. It’s going to be the next Hula Hoop. You know? For kids.

COMMENTERS: Fuckable iPads: What a person does in their own home without harming or victimizing anyone else is their own business, or ruination of the species? Is it harmless fun or a slippery slope to shoving laptops up our asses? That slope would have to be PRETTY slippery.

You can now purchase a super high quality 11×17″ print of any HE comic by clicking the “Buy A Print” button between the “Previous” and “Next” buttons in the navigation menu. If you don’t see it, try refreshing your browser cache.

Get HijiNKS ENSUE Comic Prints!

How It’s Laid

Team Edward James Olmos shirt, Funny geeky shirt, parody, battlestar galactica, twilight, team edward, team jacob

OMG FOR THE LOVE OF KRAMPUS, CAN WE PLEASE MAKE #howitslaid A THING?! PLEASE?! It’s all I want for Christmas. 

Earlier this week I was live tweeting an episode of How It’s Made where, from the sounds of it, they were either hand-crafting horse saddles or reanimating Frankenstein’d leather daddies:

“He inserts the bushing in the center hole.” #howitslaid
“The seat area gets one last leather buildup.” #howitslaid
“He glues leather around the base of the horn, an area called the swells.” #howitslaid
“This makes it smooth so it won’t chafe the horse or the rider.”#howitslaid

Man, my nipples are getting pierced just thinking about all of that. [Thanks to @d20monkey for coming up with the hashtag. Go read his comic.]

COMMENTERS: Let’s just go ahead and keep this about unintentional dick jokes, preferably from show like How It’s Made, since they are so often discussing things like shafts and flanges and obvious dong-analogies and what not. Those dirty birds. Any episodes that really stuck out as offenders? I should mention how much I really do LOVE that show. Dick jokes not withstanding (is THAT a dick joke?), what’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned from How It’s Made or shows like it? I thought it was crazy when I found out they froze soapy water inside trombones so they could bend the bend the tubing without kinking it… [snicker snicker].