Eterni-T

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Did you know my books have 1000’s of words (many of them quite funny) that you haven’t read? I don’t just put the comics you’ve already seen on the pages. I write NEW COMMENTARY for each and every comic. There’s also funny character pages, forewords, stories, random nonsense and embarrassing crap I drew in middle school. What I’m trying to say is BUY MY BOOKS! I worked really hard to make them special and I think they’re great. 

This is a thing I have been concerned about for a while. WHY DOESN’T MR. T AGE?! He is identical to the man (or is it myth?) that I knew of as a boy. Had that god damn son of a bitch kid that lived next door to me when I was 8 NOT broken my Mr. T action figure, I’m sure I could compare it to the man today and see no discrepancy other than his lack of a torso joint that spun 360 degrees! Oh, and REAL clever using Scotch tape to reattach Mr. T’s head, shitty fucking neighbor kid. Like I wasn’t going to notice. I was in honors classes! They taught us to look for shit like that! Context clues, motherfucker! Comprehension! And I was SUPPOSED to get to borrow your scooter in exchange for letting you take my Mr. T for the weekend, but when I went to claim my half of the bargain, your step dad told me it was locked in the shed and you were at your mom’s! FUCK YOU IN THE FACE FOREVER.

But I digress. My working theory is that Mr. T always has been and always will be. He might be some sort of celestial observer like Uatu The Watcher who just keeps tabs on Humanity for some unknown (hopefully benevolent) purpose. Or perhaps every planet has a Mr. T to protect it, like a jewelry-laden Green Lantern. Any one of those chains could be his power source. He probably wears so many to confuse his enemies. Using advanced maths and a comprehensive knowledge of 80’s pop culture, I can deduce that Richard Simmons is the Sinestro to T’s Hal Jordan. Their energies certainly seem equal but opposite.

COMMENTERS: Post your theories about Mr. T’s origins or mythic back story. Even if he’s just a regular human, you have to admit, he has aged remarkably little in the last 30 years. If not space magic, then how has he maintained his appearance? I bet it’s camel spider venom.

Holy shitC2E2 in Chicago is next week. I’ll be with Blind Ferret at Booth 432. You Chicago FB’s saw how well Seattle did in the cookies, coffee, and booze gift  department right? Are you going to let them show you up? Have you seen how shallow the pizza in Seattle is? Are you going to let them win?! [iced or hot soy latte, Starbucks Doubleshots, rum, vodka, tequila, pretty much any kind of chocolate, no nut allergies… I’m just sayin’.]

Hulk: El Hombre Increíble

UPDATE: Or maybe this didn’t happen at all.

In the same week it was announced that former TV Hulk, Lou “The Ferrigs” Ferrigno, was joining Steven “Fat Karate” Seagal in the Arizona Anti-Illegal Immigration Marauder Posse Squad Strike Force Delta, AND that Guillermo “The Most Mexican Director In Hollywood” del Toro would be bringing a new Hulk TV series to ABC.

Keep Your Laws Off My Ovipositor T-ShirtI can put up with a lot of things, but brand disparity among individuals loosely affiliated with the same fictional property is ALWAYS where I draw the line. I guess. Come on, The Incredible Hulk Franchise. Pro-Mexican or Anti-Mexican? Pick a side. We’re at war.

Is it just me, or does this story make it seem like Steven Seagal actually is the character he played in Robert Rodriguez’s Machete? Pro-tip for illegals trying to sneak past Lou Ferrigno at the border: he’s partially deaf. Stay behind him and be very, very quiet. If he catches you in a sleeper hold, it’s lights out.

For those unfamiliar with Eli’s Vespa-riding doppleganger, it is his friend Alex. He last appeared in THIS COMIC taking Eli’s place after Eli asked for too much imaginary comic money.

COMMENTERS: This whole thing just screams, “set up for a reality show.” Name the show, come up with the tagline, and/or give us an episode synopsis. I’ll get you started:

“Bean Counters with Lou Ferrigno and Steven Seagal! We’re taking these illegals back to brown-town!”

A Dramatic Recreation

IS THIS COMIC SUPER-CONFUSING? READ THESE ARTICLES 1st THEN COME BACK FOR LAUGH-TIMES:

NEW LoFiJINKS Podcast!!! [here] and If you want to support HE, please READ THIS.

Poor Mel Gibson. The media has really blown his rampant Jew-hating, misogyny, n-word using (they run in packs now?) and general horribleness out of proportion. Give him a break. He’s only human. A despicable, racist, hate-filled human.

I hope you (those of you in the US) exercised your right to make explosions for freedom yesterday. My wife and I took our 3 year old daughter out into the sticks and left her there with nothing but a hatchet and a compass. If she finds her way home she will get her medicine name and be recognized at the tribal council. Wait. No. We took her out there to explode things because that’s what George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and the other one would have wanted (there were 3 founding fathers right?).

Saturday night was our first attempt at explosiberty, which was thwarted (I shit you not) by a stray cow in the road which attracted a cop. The cop, in the midst of all her shooing and “YAH! GET!”ing of the wayward bovine, noticed us and informed us that though there were 400 fireworks stands along the highway there was ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE within 100 miles that we could utilize them for their intended purpose. We then drove a few miles down a darker, scarier more “dueling banjos” type of road and sang “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” while our daughter made air circles with sparklers.

Sunday night we met a friend and his daughter and went to our town’s fireworks display shindig by the lake. The airborne explosives were as majestic as the cover band playing that night was awful (they were majestically awful).

Special thanks to Fancy Bastard @Hermetic for suggesting the name of Eli’s firework.

Update: Mel Gibson Admits to Hitting Ex on Tape

Git ‘Er Dunham

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ACTUAL POST!

I was going to write a long post about how fucking tragic it is that America embraces lowest common denominator comedy but I think I nailed it with my early synopsis: Basically Jeff Dunham has a show where incredibly racist puppets do incredibly racist things. If he were actually funny, I wouldn’t be offended at all. It’s lazy comedy and it sucks.

I remember watching this guy in the 90’s when I was a kid and… yes, I admit I wanted to be a ventriloquist [dodges all the things you are throwing at my head place]. At the time he had his main fuzzy green monkey muppet, Peanut, and the jalapeno pepper-on-a-stick guy. When I was 11 the fact that the pepper character was sleepy and lazy and slow witted didn’t really register with me. Growing up in SE Texas the only Mexicans I knew about were cartoon mice with sombreros. The seeds of lazy racist comedy were there 15 years ago. Now his line up of co-starts consists of: Aforementioned green fuzz monkey guy, old guy, lazy mexican food stuff, black pimp with gold chains, dumb ass white redneck Nascar dude (psst… America, he’s making fun of YOU) and THE CORPSE OF A DEAD FUCKING MUSLIM TERRORIST! WTF!? I just… I have no idea.

It isn’t his racist, no-effort comedy that offends me. It’s the fact that it works; that America loves it. What a waste of LOLS.

BOOKS!
Books are going out in the mail every day. Artist Editions are taking forever because I want the drawing to be personalized and good and not 400 sketched of Josh’s face looking slightly to the left.

When you get your book, post a pic on Twitter with the tag #hebook.

SERIOUSLY, IF YOU WANT BOOKS BY THE HOLIDAYS, ORDER NOW!!!

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War Machine, HUH! Good God! What Is It Good For?

It seems Marvel didn’t even tell Mr. Howard that he’d gotten the axe…err… repulsor blast to the face. My interpretation is that they don’t want Terrence Howard to star in a potential War Machine spin off/ Iron Man Sequel. They said it was about money, but it seems like it was less about the money Howard wanted and more about the amount they would like to pay him. I’m sure Marvel never expected their first wholly owned production to be so successful.

We talked about this on Podcast #33, but we didn’t know about the unceremonious firing. So just ignore my ignorant comments about Howard asking for too much money.

The recast Eli is his best friend Alex. I hope he’s cool with appearing in the comic…

Speaking of Podcasts, in the Post Show for #33 we talked about some of the more (and less) memorable “Same Role/Different Actor” switcheroos in Hollywood history. My favorite is the whole Crispin Glover/Geroge McFly fiasco from the Back to the Future franchise. It’s a crazy-ass story.

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What are your most/least favorite recast roles from movies or TV?