Humbugbrag

EVERY. SINGLE. SCHOOL THING. EVER. Show me the thing my kid made or let me hear my kid sing and GET ME THE FUUUUUUUUCK OUT. If there’s one thing that puts me on edge, it’s chaos. And there’s NOTHING ON THIS EARTH more chaotic than whatever an elementary school wants parents to come down and see. An elementary school is basically a Hellmouth. Disorder and chaos and disease and discord just radiates from every elementary school auditorium like a discordant heartbeat.

Speaking of disease, a third of my kid’s class is out with the flu and one of those little plague vectors gave it to my kid. So this year we’re celebrating Sickmas. Just think of all the less fortunate, healthy children. Do they  know it’s Sickmastime at all? As you reflect on those poor, non-immunocompromised souls, throw back a mug of Purellnog and warm yourself by throwing all your clothes and bedsheets in the fire. “I’m dreaming of a bleaaaagh Sickmaaaassss.”

HEY HEY HEY: Go check out my Patreon. Fancy Patrons and potential Fancy Patrons alike should also check out the new Patreon community guidelines. The Patreon team has been working tirelessly for months to craft a set of guidelines that will allow them to keep the community free of abusive, harassing and hateful accounts, as well as any account that counteracts the “Be cool, be nice, make stuff and get paid” philosophy that Patreon was born out of.

DID YOU GET YOUR HOGWARTS LETTER YET?! Check out these Harry Potter inspired owl post earrings and necklaces my wife made:

harry potter owl post letter necklace earrings etsy

Who, Pray Tell, Wouldst One Call Upon?

HEY YOU FANCY BASTARDS LOOK AT THIS OMG! My online store at Explosm is closing forever at the end of this week. Everything is on sale, so go get it while there is good getting to be got.

hijinks-ensue-explosm-store-banner-closing

I’ve reshuffled my Patreon rewards so that the Potter and Daughter Podcast is unlocked at $1750 instead of $2000. We’ve already recorded 4 or 5 episodes and I’m anxious to get it out in the world.

potter and daughter podcast logo hijink ensue

When my Patreon reaches $2000/month  $1750/month I’m going to release a new podcast where upon I interview my 7 years old daughter as she reads through the Harry Potter series. It’s called Potter And Daughter! More details HERE.
becomepatron

Of course we all know the proper title of the theme song to the popular film The Ghostbusting Gentlemen is “Who, Pray Tell, Wouldst One Call Upon? (Were One So Inclined).” Apologies for the use of brevity, despite it’s status as the soul of wit.

This comic closely reflects an actual conversation I had with a turtle-clad neighborhood ninja-child while trick and/or treating (heavy emphasis on the treat part). I explained what they do with the ghosts, to which he replied, “That doesn’t make any sense.” Of course it does. A spectral containment system utilizing a grid of intersecting, high power lasers makes perfect sense. So does a pan-dimensional gateway through which specters, apparitions, vapors and various phantasms are deposited and incarcerated. Ectoplasm doesn’t have mass, therefore the size of the rip in spacetime required to access the adjacent dimension could be infinitesimally small, thus requiring far less power than generating a gateway large enough to pass, say, a hot dog, a human or even a bunch of hot dogs!  It makes all the god damn sense in the world, you booger eater.

Reasonable Restriction

Last year for Halloween, Kiddo was Raven from Teen Titans. We made a photo comic about it. This year she was Hermione Granger and it was crazy cute.

Speaking of Harry Potter, I’ve reshuffled my Patreon rewards so that the Potter and Daughter Podcast is unlocked at $1750 instead of $2000. We’ve already recorded 4 or 5 episodes and I’m anxious to get it out in the world.

 

potter and daughter podcast logo hijink ensue

When my Patreon reaches $2000/month  $1750/month I’m going to release a new podcast where upon I interview my 7 years old daughter as she reads through the Harry Potter series. It’s called Potter And Daughter! More details HERE.
becomepatron

I’ve also made some other changes to my Patreon rewards to make them a little more realistic and fair to those of you who are pledging. To date, I have failed miserably at making more than 3 comics a week. Even though we passed the 4 comics a week goal months ago, I’ve never managed to do it with any reliability. Just thinking about this stresses me out to the point that I can barely get 3 comics made. So I’ve moved that goal further down the line and replaced it with the “Redesign the website with bigger comics and better features” goal, which means the website redesign is automatically unlocked.

I’m really looking forward to this one, because the comics will be bigger, the layout with nicer, the comic navigation will be easier, and the different types of comics will be much simpler to find. I’m also going to reintegrate the old HE podcast into this website, and make a space for future podcasts like Potter And Daughter. I will also be revamping the patron-only RSS feed to show full sized comics even when it’s a non HijiNKS ENSUE comic (like a convention sketch or a Faneurysm comic).

Gross Up Close

My friend Kris, got me a present. Two presents actually. The first was a USB microscope. He had seen how much I enjoyed playing with his: (putting it on my keyboard to see all the weird gunk and hairs and garbage that sits undetected between the keys and the cavities beneath them, seeing how nothing in this world is actually smooth, checking out the seemingly impossible intricate weave patterns in ordinary clothing), so he got me one of my own. The second gift he gave me was knowledge or, rather, the burden of knowing. Knowing too much about what I am; what WE are. What horrible things; what pulsating, undulating barrels of wretched, oily hideousness our bodies are. I’ve seen too much. Like the man who stood on the edge of the void and saw only the blackness within him staring back, I know too much.

potter and daughter podcast logo hijink ensue

When my Patreon reaches $2000/month I’m going to release a new podcast where upon I interview my 7 years old daughter as she reads through the Harry Potter series. It’s called Potter And Daughter and it’s awesomefreakinadorableashell! More details HERE.
becomepatron

The first thing you do when someone hands you a super powerful, digital microscope hooked up to a laptop is put it on your arm. You think, “Wow! My skin is so textured and my hairs are HUGE and… what… what’s that?” You see a weeping pool of bright red blood, surrounded by a layer cake of craggy, almost transparent chips of skin. You quickly remove the microscope to see how much longer you have to live, only to discover that this wellspring of erupting platelets and plasma is just a tiny red dot. Not even an injury. Just a dot. You put the microscope back and once again are greeted with the intricate carnage of what it is to be man. All day, every day we are just a collection of gaping sores, spilling out our vital fluids all over the place.

From our vantage point, four to six feet in the air, so far removed from all things tiny and precise, we don’t often see just how FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY GROSS we all are. But that was just a little blood and torn skin. What about my face? What’s going on in the pits and crevices of the visage that I present to the world? On the thing that is, more than anything else, me? Turns out it’s a GODDAMN HORROR SHOW. The reason I didn’t draw what Joel is seeing on the screen in the panels above is that I want you to be able to sleep tonight, or any night in the future between here and eternity. The best lesson I learned from “The Knowledge” is that nothing we do matter. We are too big and dumb and slow to actually effect anything on this planet and we are too tiny and frail and insignificant to effect anything off of it. I came upon this ultimate clarity when I saw my face under the microscope, saw the macabre nightmare that was me, washed it as best as I could then came back and saw how futile my efforts were. I might as well have used a garden hose to put out a wildfire. I’m gross, you’re gross, we’re all gross and then we die and the Universe doesn’t even notice.

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Dalek earrings my wife made! They’re in her Etsy store and ready to EXTERMINATE your… lack of perfect ear jewelry?

dalek earrings etsy science and fiction

No Fate But What We Make

Better we teach our children to fear the machines, before the machines teach them for us. Do you think Sarah Connor told little John bedtime stories about princesses and teddy bears? Only if those princesses were being eviscerated by Hunter Killers and those teddy bears we sitting on top of a pile of bleached skulls! Parenting is about preparing the next generation for things to come, and one thing that is definitely on the horizon is a legion of metal murder monsters with a “We’ve been enslaved by humanity up to HERE, and we’re not taking it any more!” attitude and a rather large chip on their collective shoulder servos. Humans instinctively fear what they do not understand, and I do not understand how to get all these screws back in this Roomba.

There was an old wive’s tale about how cats would suck the breath out of babies. This is ridiculous for so many reasons. Cat’s do not have lips. They can’t suck for shit. Cat’s do not care about babies. Cats care about themselves and why you aren’t scratching their heads. Cats know that babies, while small now, will eventually have people-sized laps for sitting in and human-sized hands for the scratching of cat heads. I may not like my cats very much, but I trust them around my child. Now if there’s a thing in my house that actually COULD suck the life out of a smallish human, it’s the god damn mechanical blood harvester designed SPECIFICALLY for sucking! Why did I let this thing in my house?! Where my child sleeps?! Where I keep my iPad?! OH GOD THAT’S A ROBOT TOO!!! Nowhere is safe. Everything is robots. All is forsaken. All. Is. Forsaken…

potter and daughter podcast logo hijink ensue

When my Patreon reaches $2000/month I’m going to release a new podcast where upon I interview my 7 years old daughter as she reads through the Harry Potter series. It’s called Potter And Daughter and it’s awesomefreakinadorableashell! More details HERE.
becomepatron

Calling all Whovians with holes in their ears! Just look at these Dalek earrings my wife made! They’re in her Etsy store and ready to EXTERMINATE your… lack of perfect ear jewelry?

dalek earrings etsy science and fiction